Random thoughts and musings of a single Mom striving to follow dreams and find pure BLISS.

Why I bother?

So I made a fatal mistake once again, faithful few, I tried to explain myself and reach out for support. I'm a dumb-ass and a glutton for punishment-Maybe I'm a masochist? All I really know for a fact is that I am completely insane...I keep doing the same exact thing and expecting a different response. *sigh* I used to be so smart....

Whether the whole "no life, no job, few prospects, and getting shitty grades on my Pop's grammar quizzes" thing is catching up to me or perhaps its just PMS, but I melted down today. OK, truthfully, I think it's all of the above. But I absolutely hate melting down in front of people, especially when it's in front of a certainwomanwhosharesDNAwithme. WHY? Frankly, because she doesn't get it or me so while Pop always made the joke about finding sympathy between shit and syphilis in the dictionary, SHE really believes it obviously because that's about as much as I ever get from her.

With tears running down my face I'm talking about my struggle and frustration about finding a job (and being rejected at each turn) and my fear of not being able to support the 3 of us on a teacher's salary. What do I get? "Well, we tried to tell you that when you said you wanted to be a teacher?" FUCKING REALLY?!

Never in a million fucking years would I EVER say that to Cait or T!! EVER! But she said she's just trying to be on the "up and up" with me. Okey Dokey! Thanks. How about some support? How about not saying shit? How about listening? How about not passing fucking judgment on me for just one damn day? I think that would be just peachy!! Thanks.

I'm thinking that if I stay here much longer one of us will need to up our dosage of Lexapro, seriously!  Why on Earth do I even bother...


  1. I used to melt down to my dad and he'd always have some up and up comment on how he thought my problem could be "fixed". One day I lost it on him and screamed, "Just because I'm losing it doesn't mean I want answers. Just validate me and tell me it sucks unless I say, "What should I do?"!" Things go much better when I lose it these days.

  2. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I love you and so wish I was there to hug you and let you cry and snot all over my shoulder..... Tears are God's washing powder, it cleanses us from all the ground in gunk that is weighing us down. Never fail to use your "God Powder" when life is causing gunky stuff in your vessel. When God is trying to carry you remember to notice there is only one set of footprints in the sand... Hang in there, Jamie girl...and please know you are loved... Work on your 4th of July squares...

  3. Sweetie girl, when you want to be listened to and not judged, call 615-310-7401. I can listen and hear you. Sending tons of love your way - - Sharon XO


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