Blowing My Mind

Ok, so there is this thing that has been absolutly killing me for the longest time....

United States 119

United Kingdom 8
Denmark 5
Germany 4
Slovenia 3
France 2
Hungary 1

Russia 1




That, my FF is the Audience form this past week. Here's what kills me: I have a sorority sister in France and I know 2 people who live in Germany, and, of course, the United States is just a given, but I am in awe over the people who are reading this thing. For real! Actually this has been a low week because there are usually people from China and various other places too.

To be perfectly onest I have no idea why anyone in the world other than my family and most sorority sisters would read my mindless ramblings and rants. Crazy! However, thanks guys!!!! Love ya!!!

Number Two in the list of things that blow my mind...my sweet MAT who calls just to see how my day is going, thinks it is sexy that I know what little Spanish I do. (I can only cuss and hold very short, simple conversations, but mainly cuss.), is excited to hang out with me and my kiddies tomorrow, and occasionally whines, "Why do you have to live so far away my beautiful Jamie?"  

Ahhhh my poor little fluttery heart....

Shut the Front Door!

I'd like to open by thanking my Faithful Few, who has grown to a whopping twenty-two.

(Did that sound kind of Seussical to anyone else? Hee Hee!) 

veintidós. vingt-deux. venti-due. Είκοσι-δυο. Dwadzieścia dwa. tjugo-två. ยี่สิบสอง. Ashirin da biyu. Twenty-two!!!

When this little project of mine started I seriously didn't think anyone would read my aimless droning and whiny ramblings.


Ummmm.....


Well, I take that back, I thought my family would read it because, let's face it, we are genetically predisposed to be nosey and get all up in everyone else's business and comment. Hence, the perfect way to purge my personal demons AND allow my family to practice our favorite past time. (Notice I am saying OUR and not THEIR. Ohh, I am soooooooooooo guilty of this.)

Anyway, it's totally amazing to me that people I do not share genetic markers with actually read what I write. In fact, I checked out the "Stats"  tab and found that I had had readers in North Korea (WTF?) and New Zealand, among other places. Seriously, 2 from North Korea. I'm fucking international people!!! WooHoooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

However, all excitement aside, I really appreciate the time all of you (even those who are "officially" followers, we will SO go into why you are officially following me another time...you know who you are!) take by reading my randomness, or rather embracing my crazy little chaotic, ADHD, who-the-hell-knows-what-I-am-thinking-least-of-all-me, often bitchy, and occasionally mournful epistles. (One of you, and you know who you are, said I didn't whine, but let's be honest...I do. I know I do. I'm cute and foul-mouthed a majority of the time, but when the mood strikes just wrong I am overdramatically and fatalistically morose. It, too, is a genetic trait shared by several among you-only because, you  know, the whole genetic marker sharing thing.) 


I am humbled and honored beyond reason that you guys desided to join me on my journey. God only knows what will happen next, but I'm sure hoping for my broken, gravel road to disapear behind me as I cruise ahead on something more akin to cobblestone. Let's face it, I know I have a long way to go before I can get to a nice, smooth, asphalt interstate and I'm all right with that.  Cobblestone gives me balance while allowing me to experience all of life's little quirky bumps, plus I kinda dig the whole Victorian feel of it.  


Thanks for the love, the support, and the constant ego boost that comes from each click you make on this site.


All My Love...
Me

Smack me in the Face and Let's Start Again.

As I'm lying down to sleep, which I dearly need to do right now, I begin thinking about this search that has gotten started. It's something very akin to The Great Guy Search. I realized that every time I find myself in the vicinity of a male I instantly check out that left hand. It's almost a compulsion now. It wasn't until I was standing in the check out line in Hell Walmart that I noticed I had made a mental note of wedding rings on every male around me.

When did I become this girl? I mean, I'm not feeling some deep societal push to couple up because all of my friends are like "Meh, give it time." I'm not feeling familial pressures because my Pop has already made that one abundantly clear. I believe the conversation went something along the lines of, "I hope to hell you think you have to get married again just to make it because that's bullshit and unnecessary." I might have missed a word here or there, but that was the general message. I've always thought my Pop had such a way with words...

So, back to the whole bed thing...I'm thinking about my newest obsession with wedding rings and realize that, again, I have listened to my Pop, but not heard him. I found the kernel of doubt that has me looking searching and thinking I need a man in my life because (drum roll please) I seriously do not think it will ever be possible for me to live on my own with Things 1 and 2 without any sort of support or help from my Pop.

I mean, examining the evidence in questions so far, it's pretty plain why that issue exists. 

• teaching adjunct online
• teaching adjunct at community college
• no full time job
• no one is hiring (or at least not hiring me)
• I actually had to swallow my pride and borrow money from my Pop for my bills last month. (I get paid very erratically from U of P and won't get a ju co one until the end of Sept. Let's just say that I cried, my Pop wrote a check and couldnt' figure out how to make me not cry. It was just beyond me, but yet, he understood. Yes, pride is my Sin of choice.)
• I have 2, count them 2, children. Two.

Now when I think about "How Long" it been I am slightly deceived. Although I have been "married since June of 2009 (I don't care WHAT the law says; in my soul I was NOT married as of May 21-when I came out of my haze. Damnit!), I have only lived with my parents since after Christmas. This is what? Month 8? now in my head I should already have everything in life 4x4, but I do realize that life just doesn't work that way.

Kinda like losing weight-it took years to put it on so it'll take years to take off. Great in theory, but shitty in practice. I just hate waiting. (Humm, do I smell another bout of pride? Why, yes, yes I do!)  And it's especially hard for me because, lets face it, numbers have never been my strong suit and I have no idea what it would take for the 3 of us to live without me having constant panic attacks over what bill gets paid this month.  I always think, it was easier having two incomes...well, not really. It should have been easier, but nothing was easy living with, you know, whatshisname.

He's the reason I'm still paying off a credit card that I haven't touched since Tristan was born. thank God I've gotten the others paid off finally, but that one has a pretty hefty balance left on it and every time the bill comes in I get so pissed off I can't even see straight because I know that is because of beer, beer, nights he "had" to get out of the house and drink beer in a bar, more beer, and taking me out to eat once in a bluefuckingmoon. Did I mention beer?

Sorry...bitter rant. Should have warned you. My bad. Anyhoo...

I guess  the long and the short of the issue is that I'm afraid. There I said it. I'm afraid and I'd like someone to swoop in and take care of everything and solve all of these problems that I can't see a way out of.

Problem!!!!

Umm, last I looked at my birth certificate, it didn't say "Princess" or place silver spoon here AND the last time I got married it didn't solve a single problem.

I need to remember what started this journey. I started it. And I started it so I could make sure that I had a firm hold of "Me" so if, by some chance, since I'm not all that unfortunate looking, someone does come along I never lose me again. I started it so I could rediscover my voice and my passions and my dreams that got lost amid beer cans and nights sleeping alone.

So, like Elizabeth Gilbert says in Eat, Pray, Love...

Operation self esteem. Day fucking one.

(Take, at least, two. SNAP)

Challenge

Ok, so I know I talked about the 50K in 50 days challenge a few months back. Umm, yeah, that totally didn't happen. I got about 12,000 good words in, but life, lack of motivation, fear and time got in the way.

Lame excuse?

Yep, but that can't be helped now. I still plan to finish but I'm giving myself a bit more time.

Why?

Because I think I might have found a way to kinda support myself or at least become well on my way to supporting myself with my writing.

How?

New Love Stories Magazine. That's right; you read it correctly. It's a magazine dedicated to love stories. Although it's not something that I would necessarily read, I plan to write and submit a few stories for publication. I'd only have to write a story between 2,800 to 3,750 words. I think I can certainly knock that out from idea all the way to editing in about a week.

I'll try to keep all of you guys posted on my progress this week, but for now I'm going to work on honing in on just one idea. Wish me luck....

New Beginings with BBQ

So, yesterday was kinda of a downer of a day, as I'm sure you guys realize, but I am newly motivated to get back on the proverbial writing horse.

Why?

Oh, I was invited to a BBQ at my new friend, Karen's blog Down the Mountain by my supper, supportive buddy Jessica. I have made some wonderful new friends that give superior writing tips, advice and inspiration. And you guys know that making new friends is part of my new goals I set. One a month. (Hummm, so would making a bunch of blogging friends count separately or do I just add them together as one friend? )

Even though I'm always a bit shy at first, I decided to  show up with my homemade sangria and a decorative patter of tums (What? There's a lot of food. Someone is bound to have interjection and I want to be prepared.)

I'm hoping all of my new buddies will keep me on the path to rediscovering my voice and keeping my head out of all of my mundane frustrations. After all, I know I'm easier to live with when I write it all out instead of just simmering in my own juices.

Welcome to any new faithfuls!

Shamless Plug

I want to take a moment to plug my friend D's new blog, As Yet Untitled . It is a great first post of a natural writer that has been burried under piles of exhaustion and self depretiation. I would encourage everyone to take a peek and offer words of wisdom and encouragment. Why? Well, because we've been friends forever and I live in constant hope that she will eventually believe in her own wonderfulness (I guess that's a word now) and talent. (Plus, I'm totally mentioned in the post!!)

Women, Food, and God - The End / The Final Review

I'm not usually one to ramble on about God and spirituality. I believe in God and I am spiritual in my own way. I'm a pretty good Catholic girl; however, I don't feel the need to inform the world. I'm perfectly happy be-bopping my own marry way and letting everyone else be-bop theirs. My guess this comes from my years as a public high school teacher, you know the whole separation of Church and state thing-I'm very "Don't ask- Don't tell" when it comes to God.

Anyhoo, that being said, I picked up Women, Food, and God with some degree of trepidation, even though one of my most trusted sources in the world told me to pick it up.  Let me tell you, my faithful few, it rocked my freaking world! Seriously. Maybe you have read my previous posts about this book, but now that I'm finished with it, I think I may read it again and give it out as gifts until everyone I know has this book!

It has completely changed my idea of eating and food in general. I'm not saying that my brain is now perfectly clear and rainbows are as far as I can see, but I am telling you that I'm aware of shit now that I knew, but didn't realize effected me. And I also didn't know that anyone else felt the same way about themselves that I fet about myself. Woe Buddy!!

You see, this book doesn't tell you what to eat or how to eat; it makes you think about "Why" you are eating. Are you eating because you are hungry or because you are sad/angry/frustrated/overwhelmed/etc? Do you know? Can you tell the difference? I coudn't. At least I know after I do it now  I realize what I have done.

For example, at lunch, I stuffed food down my face quickly so I could get my kids situated with thier meals, drinks, napkins, and headed off to nap-time; I didn't realize until afterwards that I have no idea what I ate or even what it tasted like. I am only vaugly aware of the after-taste of mustard.) Why could I not have made the meal more pleasureable to all of us? Why did I have to be SO in control for the surroundings and trapping of "meal" that I was unaware of mine. Then, as all moms do, I found myself picking off of the kid's plates as I cleaned up...Hello!! Not hungry, McCarty! Why are you putting food in your mouth?!!!  Sease and disist!!! Unhand those fries!!!

These are the kind of things that are discussed in the book. Begining the moment instead of off somewhere else, hiding from something "unpleasant". I hide from unpleasant all the time, but I realized recently that I miss out on a whole lot of pleasant when I do that. Now I have a guide out of my hidey hole and into the world.

Although I said above the book doesn't tell you what or how to eat, it does give you 7 Guidelines and they are both simple common sense and incredibly difficult-all at the same time.

1. Eat when hungry. (What if you can't recongnize hungery from boredom or saddness or fear?)
2. Eat in a clam environment. (Piff, Dude, I have kids! What calm environment?)
3. Eat without distractions. (See Guideline 2)
4. Eat what your body wants. (It sounds great, but...dangerous)
5. Eat until you are satisfied. (See guideline 1)
6. Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others. (See below!)
7. Eat with enjoyment. (Problem! I have never felt anything but guilt and disgust when I eat.)

Ok, Number 6 knocked the wind out of my body. I swear I didn't realize other people were as fucked up as I am. As far back as I can remember I have hated eating in front of people because I always "felt" their thoughts and judgments..."She SO shouldn't be eating that! Put down the food, big girl! A salad, yeah right! So, NOW we all know how you got that way!" (The book calls that The Voice. It sucks and I now know I can tell it to "fuck off". Yippy!)  I think I've eaten in a restraunt alone once and I took a book with me because I just HAD to block out the idea that people were watching me eat. The idea that I must be prepared to always eat in front of someone and never sneak a quick snack while no one is looking is terrifying. It breaks everything I have ever thought about eating down to the very core. Honestly, I'm scared.

But I also want to stop hiding. I want to feel every single emotion, even if it is unpleasant or unseeminly or messy. I want to know that I did truely "live deliberately... live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die Discover that I had not lived.” (Thoreau).