Set-Backs

Let me just share my crap day with you all....

I know...I know....for weeks and months even I have been oozing rainbows and glitter, but let me tell you guys I have had a helluva day! And not in the best way possible! 

To start, I had a meeting with a priest today about my annulment. Now, for those who aren't Catholic, an annulment in the Church is NOT like an annulment in the secular world. It in no way makes my children illegitimate of claims I was never married; it simply states that the marriage, for whatever reason, failed due to certain reasons (basically whatever you file) and it must be a darn good reason. You see, Catholics don't mind if you divorce; they mind mind you getting remarried. ANYWAY, I had to meet with the head of the annulment tribunal and my case since I want a very strong, airtight case (yes, they can say, "Umm, no."). Now, I was under the impression that I HAD a strong, airtight case, but obviously I was wrong. 

WTF?!?!?!?!?!

How in the name of all that is holy can I NOT have a strong case?!  It was officially the first time in a very long time where I felt responsible for what happened. I felt like I was under attack. I felt like I I was almost being blamed. Plus, I must say that Father was very unimpressed that I used birth control while married. Ummm...is HE going to pay for all the kiddies? Yeah, I didn't think so. Just saying...

I must also meet with their psychologist to further strengthen my case. Sigh...whatthefuckever....

The big happy for all of that is, while the annulment may not be settled for almost another year, mi amorcito could care less. He also assures me that neither him mom nor his grandmother will even blink over the whole thing. Even MJ commented at lunch today, "Well, that is just stupid, I'm certainly glad you aren't waiting on that whole thing."

Ok, score!!!! 

My next worry.....I am terrified I will not get my dress shortened in time AND that I actually will not be able to fit into it. I mean, I have been worrying myself into a total frenzy all dang day. I cannot wait to try it on when I get back to Florida tomorrow. But I do NOT know what in the name of Heaven I will do if it doesn't fit. Holy shit I think I may throw up.

Actually, I think I will make sure my hair isn't a shitty shade of red and I'm going to bed. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day...

I'm Baaaack...

I was told today that my poor cuz was so lost because I haven't blogged in a while...Sorry, Sunnie. This one's for you.

I know it's been a while since I showed up here, but I spent week before last so darn sick that I barely had the energy to crawl into bed each night. Then last week I was in some crazy funk that I just couldn't shake no matter what I tried.


I'm thinking it was probably just the aftermath of my wonderful, amazing, fabulous Valentine's with mi Marquito. I mean, ya spend 24 hours wrapped in the light and loving warmth of Cloud 8,422 and then  plunged into the cold reality of life, it tends to play havoc on your psyche. I'm just guessing people; I have no clue why I was in my head all week. (Not that I don't have several theories mind you.)


However, I did manage to belly crawl out by this past Sunday and MAT was very happy to hear the difference in my voice. I guess the lunch time phone calls I received Thursday and Friday were literally to check on me because he said the other night he was starting to get concerned because I was acting differently, "Not like my Jamie."


I need to pause here to tell all of you that being referred to as "my Jamie" or the newly minted "mi Jamiecita" is absolutely thrilling. He used that to start a text this afternoon and got so giddy and light headed that I got up and gave all my students in that class and piece of candy-just cause. That is what that man does to me...he just makes every moment seem like one to celebrate.


Anyway...Between gaining two pounds while being too sick to track my eating on WW the week before or the fabulous news that I have to have a "procedure" for an abnormal pap (lucky me) or the lack of sleep that comes from MJ being out of town and both kids crawling into bed with me each night, it just wasn't my week. Ok, it didn't help that I know I wasn't going to be able to see MAT that weekend either. I joked with him that I knew it was important for him to work since he spent so much money on our amazing Valentine dinner. He was busy. I was busy. It was a beautiful weekend and even though I spent the majority of it outside with the kiddies, I couldn't help but think it'd be even more fun with MAT and little D running around with us.

I am feeling better and today's flirty chats with Marquito certainly helped my day. Insert large smile and cleansing sigh here...

Couch to 5K Again...

Here's the thing...I really want to be a runner when I grow up. I've always wanted to be a runner. But unfortunately I never really thought it was possible to become a runner.

Why?

#1 - I was always told I run too long in the same place.

#2 - MJ claims women were not built to run.

#3 - My brain can't stop thinking "Are you fucking kidding me! Big girls don't run!" each time I try.

So, even though I really want to I have this negative talk the revolves around my brain and thunders in my ears each time I get out there. But I think I have found the key...

If I have a hard time doing a whole minute, why not create my own Ramp up to C25K program, where I only run 30 seconds at a time. I'm thinking that after about 2 weeks I'll be able to accomplish the minute without as much problem.

I'm even going to set it up like the original program and I will walk between my "jog" days in addition. I have 14 Weeks until my 5 K.

I'm thinking 2 weeks for the "Ramp Up" program adn then I will start the 'real" program, but I'm still giving myself enough time to possibley repeat weeks if necessary.

I will do it this time. I will do it this time. I will do it this time. I will do it this time. Dammit!

Weighing Down

I don't think I've let you guys in one this little tidbit, but I joined Weight Watchers after the New Year. I have kept it a bit "hush hush" because I felt like only fat people join WW. Well, guess what? I'm pretty fat, guys. True story, even IF no one actually believes I weigh as much as I do.

So...I bit the bullet and joined after I saw a friend of mine getting amazing results.

Guys, I have to tell you...this shit ROCKS! Seriously!!!

I've always felt kinda pissed off that I could eat whenever I wanted and had to deprive myself when I hardly ever saw my skinny friends do that. Or my skinny sister and mother. Well, on this I CAN eat whatever I want, but I just have to keep it with my point range. I can do that. Of course, I'm finding that things I thought I HAD to be able to eat I don't really want anymore though, because there are things I prefer.

For example, my favorite snack now is a banana slathered with a tbsn of peanut butter. Who know Elvis wasn't actually full of shit?! I can also eat carrots and hummas (LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I was bummed that I couldn't have hummas when I was low carbing. now, I still don't eat a whole lot of bread and whatnot, but now it's by choice and not because I'm told not to.

Now, I'm pretty sure I would have hit my five pound goal before now, but I accidentally clicked the wrong thing and put myself in maintenance instead of weight loss. however, I think it's still good that I lost 5 pounds in 4 weeks. Slow and easy, right?

It's also teaching me how to eat. I biggest issue I've always fought is actually eating, well, eating at all. When I was growing up MJ would comment on having gained a few pounds and  instantly stop eating until she'd lost it (Oops, I "forgot" to eat lunch again.) or would constantly comment on every single thing Pop and I put in out mouths; so, I assumed to lose weight you jut had to not eat. For a long time I was good at that too. In fact, I'm willing to go on a limb and guesstimate that I consumed around 100 calories a day for the entirety of my freshman year of high school. Why? Well, I only ate around my parents and then I ate like I was on a diet. Oh, MJ was SO proud of my weight loss and talked about it to everyone. Truthfully, it's one of the only times I've felt she was really proud of me. Now, some of my friends noticed the whole not eating thing and started getting concerned, but the parents never noticed anything other than my loss. Ok, so that really WAS the plan, but it kinda pissed me off anyway. I know; I was a bitchy teenager. Well, after the school year ended and I had to been seen eating that summer I gained weight and couldn't find that "happy-not-hungry" place anymore when school finally started.

Truthfully, I was actually pretty ok, until the high school boyfriend. With his "help" I slid down into a huge gully of self loathing that continued for years. Perhaps I'll tell you guys about it one day, but I'm not sure if I want to. Suffice it to say that I'm not in that place anymore, but it damn sure took a long time to crawl out.   Anyway, I gained and pulled my fat around me subsociously thinking that only those REALLY interested in me would approach me and I'd be protected from the world. Not so much actually since I proceeded to pick guys that preyed on weak girls. And I was a weak girl. Notice the WAS!!

Sorry, I got derailed...my bad. Anyway, the point is I'm learning to feed my body with healthy foods and not depriving myself of "treats"; however, my definition of treat is changing. I am loving WW and already plan to sign you for three more months when my first 3 are up. I will be a WW girl probably forever.

The only thing I hate about it is that it took me so long to actually join. I can SO do this!

Non-mushy Catch Up

I know that I've had a WHOLE lot to say about my Colombian and not so much to say about anything else lately. Sorry about that. Since I'm spending my weekend sans soccer player, I will take this time to fill all of you guys in on the goings on of me. 

The biggest thing would be my new job.  Can I just tell you guys how surprised I am that I actually like teaching Jr. High? Seriously. The seventh graders are just cute and still easily molded into whatever I want. I have NEVER been so "yes ma'am ed" in my life. I'm also lucky that I like my boss. He is a super principal and when he says, "Do whatever you feel like you need to do and I will back your play" I absolutely believe him. Love it!

I'm struggling with the idea of "where will I or should I be" still. or maybe it's again. No, no. I think it is still.  Since my job is only until May I am a bit worried about where I will be next year. Now, my boss's secretary has already voiced her opinion on the matter and wants me at Magnolia next year. While I'm down for that, I also hear there will be openings at JC in the English department, which is actually my total dream job. OK, after being a full time writer or just a person who gets paid insanely obscene amounts of money to read books all day, that is. Anyway, I've wanted to end up at a juco since I was a juco student back-in-the-day. I mean, it's more freedom that high school, but no "publish or perish" pressure. It's the perfect happy medium!

There are two things that totally poo-poo on those two ideas...ONE: I never wanted to ever live in this God forsaken town and area again (To those from this are, sorry, but I have to be honest. I hated growing up here).  TWO: the whole issue of being 3 hours from this certain beautiful and amazingly sexy Colombian (Sorry, I guess he HAD to make an appearance. I mean, if we always live 3 hours away from each other will we ever progress past the "rose colored glasses" phase and into reality? For real, guys, he thinks I'm funny and perfect so reality has just NOT set in at all; plus, I'm still waiting for something to be wrong with him. Well, something other than him thinking I'm funny and perfect. ;)  ).

Of course, I still feel all shaky after last year's total FUBAR set of interviews where I wasn't able to score a single job. That just can't happen this year!!! I will NOT live with the parents for another year. I just won't. I need to detox and reprogram my children. I need to find my bearings as a mother and an independent woman again. Plus, let's all be honest here, I'm ready to not feel like a total loser because I'm 33 years old and live with my freaking parents. I also need a bit of space from MJ. Really.

While I have decided to litter the world with my resume from the Coast, across LA (lower Alabama), west Florida, and north to the Atlanta area. Good grief, some great job should be available to me with all of those places covered. Right?

I did apply for a very cool juco job pre-Colombian and it would be even cooler to get it now since I'd be so close to him with that job. We will just have to see what shakes out. I must say that my frugal (cheap) side feels the most comfortable with the coastal jobs so I can live in this house for all but free. (Pop is retiring in August and will move him and MJ somewhere, but where jut depends on what he plans to do.) But that still make me a bit blech because of the whole distance thing. Here again, I'm still thinking that whatever will be will be. Right?! I mean, at least there would be room for him and D to come for the weekend and hang out with us. OK, I'm stopping. I have to stop. I just can't think about it right now because it's silly.

Anyway...I guess the moral of the story is that I am begin proactive in finding my place in the world, but I'm still totally unsure of where it is. However, at least I'm more willing to look now and I will have some money saved up so the idea of moving doesn't make me half as queasy as it did last year.

Light your candles fellas. Say a few prayers. Throw some salt. Or feel free to engage in any other Deity inspiring activity that will send positive energy and vibes my way. Please and thank you in advance. 

When the excitment just isn't there.

Have you ever really wanted to get excited about something, but just couldn't work up the nerve? That's what I'm currently feeling right now.

You see, I have 2 interviews this week and although I really want to get all pumped and excited about, I'm feeling a bit underwhelmed. Ok, I won't bullshit you guys, I'm scared as hell to get excited because, let's face it, I haven't had the best of luck in the interview department. I mean-Really. Now, I have also already interviewed for a job at this same school...humm, it was about this time last year as a matter of fact.

Needless to say, I didn't get the job. And I should have. Although, maybe they realize that now. 

Maybe that's a leg up or perhaps it just makes me look desperate as hell. I guess looking desperate isn't SO bad because, again something to face guys, I am. 


I also have  date this weekend.  And this would be another area I haven't been having the best of luck in.  It's funny though, I wasn't ever a dater before. Seriously. I jut kinda fell into relationships and never really was the girl that went on dates and "played the field". I never questioned it because, while I think I'm pretty damn cute, I realize that I was not, am not, and never will be that girl that instantly gets noticed from across the room. It's ok and it's not from a lack of self esteem, I promise. I'm just Jamie and there's nothing so eye catching and fantastical that instantly attracts the whole idea of eyes meeting from across the crowded, smoky room. That's not how I roll and that's ok. I'm more of the cute girl that becomes a "wow" after a conversation or two. Yep, I'm personality attractive. (And it's always pissed me off that "She has a great personality translates to "she's not attractive".)

So, I find it confusing to be this serial dater now. I'm not kidding. I've gone on dates with 3 (this Sat will be guy 4) since August and only one has made it to date 3. One of them would have had schedules been more kind and he not freaked out about my kids, but that' snot my problem. (Actually, I think he's trying to maneuver another one, but I'm only going to bite if I see some serious motivation on his part- then I'll think about it.  But please no one think I'm holding my breath...no really.) 

Anyway, at least the guy this Saturday has a little boy so he understands the idea of time constraints and responsibility that comes with molding a little person's life. He's also "motivated" (his words not mine) to drive anywhere at anytime to spend time with me. Odd. I'm not even sure why I should think it's odd, but I swear it fills me with trepidation.  I feel like I should dig into his psyche and find the hidden reason. Maybe it's because I never gave anyone the chance to act that way towards me or maybe I just kept picking the guys that wouldn't. Humm, probably both.

I've always done for other people because I really don't expect anything done for me. How sad that I do not expect a fuss to be made over me, but let's face it, having never been a "squeaky wheel" I've never had an abundance of attention lavished on me. I've always been able to disappear into the background. Convenient, but not exactly the fodder of dreams, ya know.

I think I'm just in the "Meh, why the hell should I get excited about something that will potentially disapointing and probably not work out anyway" phase. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not feel depressed and, yes, I've been taking my meds, but I just can't motivate myself to get all giddy and excited about either interview or my date. Does this mena that my natual optomism is fading and a pessimistic realism is taking over? Ugh, I hope not. How depressing would that be?

Maybe I just need a vacation.  or maybe I just need SOMETHING to fucking work out-at least for a minute.

Just guessing...

The Field Trip That Wasn't

Today was supposed to be Tristan's first ever real field trip. He was supposed to go to the aquarium in New Orleans and the IMax with the entire school.(In truth, I was nervous about him going because I felt he was a bit too young to go on a field trip so far away fromhome, but I didn't want my nervous nature to keep him from doing things with his class. I had an even worse feeling about it when I woke up to rain, but was determined to still let him go. It's only fair, right?!) Did he go? No. Why? Umm, let me tell you...

It was a pretty good morning, despite the fact that it was dark and rainy and we had to leave the house about the time we are usually getting dressed for school. However, I'm a stickler for being on time, so by God, we were early.

I pulled under the overhang to let T out of the car and was met by two of the older kid's teachers. I thought they were the "car greeters" this morning, but I was wrong.

"Are you going with us today?'
"No, sorry, I can't" (I was going to go until my aunt went into the hospital again and I had no one to keep Cait, but it's not like I had to explain myself to a teacher who's name I don't even know. Right?)
"You need to."
I looked at this woman expecting to see something in her face that told me how fun it would be or how special it is to experience the first field trip and once again, I was wrong.

Suddenly both teachers began to go into how T having "one of his tantrums" would just ruin the whole trip for everyone and describing each interacting they have ever had with T that was negative.

T instantly had THAT look on his face-I know it well. Being a little Leo (and yes, as a matter of fact, it does matter, I was raised by 2 damn Leos.) he cannot deal with embarrassment at all. And boy was he embarrassed. So was I. I mean, I was being told how terrible my son was.

Well, public embarrassment and those teachers standing right in front of him, blocking the entrance to the building, and mommy being totally ineffectual and not wanting to be the "not MY child" parent (I know how he is, but he's only 4, for God's sake) I caved and did exactly what they seemed to want  me to do. I put my child back in the car, as he was just starting to melt down, and drove home. No field trip for T today.

I am hurt, angry, embarrassed, and sad that my child seems to be so thoroughly discussed in a negative way among the teachers (they were continuing to bitch about him while I was talking to T; I have really good "teacher" hearing) and that I haven't been as apprised of the situation as thoroughly (his teacher is always so positive and just "it was a bad day" when he doesn't get a green face). Don't get me wrong, I know how my child is. Seriously. He can be obstinate, but he's also extremely loving and loads of fun when handled the correct way. (And let me just say here that, as a teacher, I recognize a teachers who talk AT students instead of TO students. Just saying.)

So, we are at home today, curled up on the couch, both licking our respective wounds from this morning. I have to concentrate on not takign my hurt out on him and just teachign him that he must always be respectful and obedient, even when he may not want to be. I think Mommy should learn how not to be those things when she doesn't have to be.

I will probably never get over the fact that I cried over this today. I will never get over the fact that T cried over this today. I will never got over the fact that T and I were both mad eto feel badly amount him being a hard headed 4 year old, who does have a abandonment and trust issues...damn, people, who wouldn't have them if they'd lead his little life.

T? Oh, he's sharing his breafast (part 2) with his little sister and isn't bothered about not going on the field trip anymore. He may mention it a little later, but it's far from his mind now. Hell, he doesn't even begrudge me for not letting him go.

I sure wish I could forgive and forget like a 4 year old...

Targeting Ten

So, after the crazy anti-fat person article from Marie Claire, I have been reexamining my eating habits. You see, I'm a total yo-yo dieter that eats from boredom. 

You'd think being aware of that fact would help in some way, but nope-not-so-much.  I'm pretty hard headed, I guess.

Trust me FF, I've been pretty damn bored lately. The scale has fluxuated between 3 pounds for weeks now because of my laziness and apathy.



Anyway. I've been thinking that perhaps I've been tackling this whole weight thing the wrong way. You see, I've always focused on the ultimate goal, on what I wanted, instead of how to get there.

How does one get there?

I mean, I know the same condescending bullshit answers that Ms. Kelly gave in the article, but if it were that easy me and every other overweight person that was tired of being overweight would no longer be overweight. Right? Right.

I think my first call to action is to take things in smaller bites than I've been doing.

First, I'm going to only focus on 10 pounds at a time. I'm down enough that each ten pounds will make a pretty significant difference. I'm also giving myself a deadline for that ten pounds...3 weeks.

Why 3 weeks? Because when I incorporate #2 and get my ass BACK into the gym, it really shouldn't be all that hard to see a difference. Seriously.

Secondly, I will resume my food diary. each time I've done really well, I've kept one. Well, then I'd get lazy, slack off, and end up having to start all over again. grr!  Just think, if you are too lazy to write it down, you are too lazy to eat it. right? Exactly. Plus, it totally shames you to actually put it all in writing. And just to make sure I'm properly shamed, I'm going to post it here at the bottom of whatever my random thoughts for the day happen to be.

Can we say accountability? Yes, yes, I think we can my friends.

The whole getting back into the gym thing is a total given because I've been feeling like crap and it's what used to make me feel good. I am also going to post my activity level for the day along with my food intake.

Crazy? yes, yes I am. Thank you.

Anyway, I think ten pounds is a much easier pill to swallow than the eighty pounds I supposedly have to lose according to "experts". Seriously, people, can you really imagine me eighty pounds smaller? I'm thinking I'd look like a scarier Kate Moss after a three week 8ball bender. <> I totally realize I'm only 5'4', but people I have a sturdy bone structure. Good, hardy peasant stock. 

No, I think that idea is unrealistic and would be hard to revolve my life around.  I'm thinking the ultimate goal should be a healthy BMI, in whatever size it's in. Now, since most of my weight is actually settled in my midsection thanks to my new, post baby body, it does provide a bigger challenge that it used to. But its a challenge I can deal with...10 little pounds at a time.        

Smack me in the Face and Let's Start Again.

As I'm lying down to sleep, which I dearly need to do right now, I begin thinking about this search that has gotten started. It's something very akin to The Great Guy Search. I realized that every time I find myself in the vicinity of a male I instantly check out that left hand. It's almost a compulsion now. It wasn't until I was standing in the check out line in Hell Walmart that I noticed I had made a mental note of wedding rings on every male around me.

When did I become this girl? I mean, I'm not feeling some deep societal push to couple up because all of my friends are like "Meh, give it time." I'm not feeling familial pressures because my Pop has already made that one abundantly clear. I believe the conversation went something along the lines of, "I hope to hell you think you have to get married again just to make it because that's bullshit and unnecessary." I might have missed a word here or there, but that was the general message. I've always thought my Pop had such a way with words...

So, back to the whole bed thing...I'm thinking about my newest obsession with wedding rings and realize that, again, I have listened to my Pop, but not heard him. I found the kernel of doubt that has me looking searching and thinking I need a man in my life because (drum roll please) I seriously do not think it will ever be possible for me to live on my own with Things 1 and 2 without any sort of support or help from my Pop.

I mean, examining the evidence in questions so far, it's pretty plain why that issue exists. 

• teaching adjunct online
• teaching adjunct at community college
• no full time job
• no one is hiring (or at least not hiring me)
• I actually had to swallow my pride and borrow money from my Pop for my bills last month. (I get paid very erratically from U of P and won't get a ju co one until the end of Sept. Let's just say that I cried, my Pop wrote a check and couldnt' figure out how to make me not cry. It was just beyond me, but yet, he understood. Yes, pride is my Sin of choice.)
• I have 2, count them 2, children. Two.

Now when I think about "How Long" it been I am slightly deceived. Although I have been "married since June of 2009 (I don't care WHAT the law says; in my soul I was NOT married as of May 21-when I came out of my haze. Damnit!), I have only lived with my parents since after Christmas. This is what? Month 8? now in my head I should already have everything in life 4x4, but I do realize that life just doesn't work that way.

Kinda like losing weight-it took years to put it on so it'll take years to take off. Great in theory, but shitty in practice. I just hate waiting. (Humm, do I smell another bout of pride? Why, yes, yes I do!)  And it's especially hard for me because, lets face it, numbers have never been my strong suit and I have no idea what it would take for the 3 of us to live without me having constant panic attacks over what bill gets paid this month.  I always think, it was easier having two incomes...well, not really. It should have been easier, but nothing was easy living with, you know, whatshisname.

He's the reason I'm still paying off a credit card that I haven't touched since Tristan was born. thank God I've gotten the others paid off finally, but that one has a pretty hefty balance left on it and every time the bill comes in I get so pissed off I can't even see straight because I know that is because of beer, beer, nights he "had" to get out of the house and drink beer in a bar, more beer, and taking me out to eat once in a bluefuckingmoon. Did I mention beer?

Sorry...bitter rant. Should have warned you. My bad. Anyhoo...

I guess  the long and the short of the issue is that I'm afraid. There I said it. I'm afraid and I'd like someone to swoop in and take care of everything and solve all of these problems that I can't see a way out of.

Problem!!!!

Umm, last I looked at my birth certificate, it didn't say "Princess" or place silver spoon here AND the last time I got married it didn't solve a single problem.

I need to remember what started this journey. I started it. And I started it so I could make sure that I had a firm hold of "Me" so if, by some chance, since I'm not all that unfortunate looking, someone does come along I never lose me again. I started it so I could rediscover my voice and my passions and my dreams that got lost amid beer cans and nights sleeping alone.

So, like Elizabeth Gilbert says in Eat, Pray, Love...

Operation self esteem. Day fucking one.

(Take, at least, two. SNAP)

The Thing About Moms.

I don't know if you know this, but I am great with moms. Seriously! My whole life moms have loved me like no one's business. If I dated their sons, they wanted me to be thier daughter in law. If I was friends with their daughters, they wanted ME to be their daughter instead. And I have no idea why because I've never had that same luck with my own.

Strangely enough my absolute favorite teacher in the entire world looks so much like my mom that they have often been mistaken for one another. I distinctly remember having to do double takes occasionally in class. Now, I would have loved, her reguardless of how she looked just for her vitality, positive spirit, and joy, but I cannot express the feelings that washed over me everytime I was given praise for even the smallest thing. Even now, as an adult, I still well up with tears when she showers me with encouragment and praise. Why? Because she is way more generous with it than her doppleganger has ever been. (There were actually times in high school when I would pretend it had been my mom that said those things instead of just me teacher.)

Don't get my wrong, she loves and all that, but I'm still willing to place odds that if she got to go back and choose that daughter she'd want...it really woudn't be me. (Truthfully, it'd be a boy. Yes, as a matter of fact I do know that is true, thank you. I was told.)  The thing is she is just very fugal with her praise and positive encouragement. She tends to say the first thing that pops into her head, which is often a bit harsh. But she is unaware of it.

However, I have just never understood why I am unable to even name the number of mom-type people in my life that think I am beyond wonderful and hav no problem telling me so and my own only finds fault with every.single.thing.I.do.or.try.or.am.

I often tought that maybe it's just the way the whole mother/dughter dynamic jsut worked, but I'm not like that with Cait. I cannot even count the number of times a day I tell her how beautiful she is or how smart she is, or how proud I am of her. Now this could be me overcomensationg, but I don't think so. I really and truely, to the bottom of my soul, believe everything I tell her. Maybe I'm just not afraid to tell her.  Maybe I'm just unafraid to release control just a smidge and allow for imperfections to show and accept they exist.

But here I am, just as I was as a kid, hiding my hurt feelings behind a smile to placate and keep the status quo. (And God knows when I mention those feelings it's somehow my fault for feeling that like anyway because I'm way too sensitive.)  Does she get mad and fraustrated with me? Yep. Does she talk to me the same way she ever has? Yep. Do I say anything about it? Not enough to make a difference because I promised Pop I wouldn't.  However, where at first I was afraid that in her frustration with me and the kids she'd eventually force me to leave so she could regain her "space," I know that is one fight my Pop would absolutly fight for me.

The funny thing is...when I do leave she'll cry and be sad and miss us. Too bad she can't channel future feelings into her current ones and not take us (me) for granted while we are here.

Women, Food, and God - The End / The Final Review

I'm not usually one to ramble on about God and spirituality. I believe in God and I am spiritual in my own way. I'm a pretty good Catholic girl; however, I don't feel the need to inform the world. I'm perfectly happy be-bopping my own marry way and letting everyone else be-bop theirs. My guess this comes from my years as a public high school teacher, you know the whole separation of Church and state thing-I'm very "Don't ask- Don't tell" when it comes to God.

Anyhoo, that being said, I picked up Women, Food, and God with some degree of trepidation, even though one of my most trusted sources in the world told me to pick it up.  Let me tell you, my faithful few, it rocked my freaking world! Seriously. Maybe you have read my previous posts about this book, but now that I'm finished with it, I think I may read it again and give it out as gifts until everyone I know has this book!

It has completely changed my idea of eating and food in general. I'm not saying that my brain is now perfectly clear and rainbows are as far as I can see, but I am telling you that I'm aware of shit now that I knew, but didn't realize effected me. And I also didn't know that anyone else felt the same way about themselves that I fet about myself. Woe Buddy!!

You see, this book doesn't tell you what to eat or how to eat; it makes you think about "Why" you are eating. Are you eating because you are hungry or because you are sad/angry/frustrated/overwhelmed/etc? Do you know? Can you tell the difference? I coudn't. At least I know after I do it now  I realize what I have done.

For example, at lunch, I stuffed food down my face quickly so I could get my kids situated with thier meals, drinks, napkins, and headed off to nap-time; I didn't realize until afterwards that I have no idea what I ate or even what it tasted like. I am only vaugly aware of the after-taste of mustard.) Why could I not have made the meal more pleasureable to all of us? Why did I have to be SO in control for the surroundings and trapping of "meal" that I was unaware of mine. Then, as all moms do, I found myself picking off of the kid's plates as I cleaned up...Hello!! Not hungry, McCarty! Why are you putting food in your mouth?!!!  Sease and disist!!! Unhand those fries!!!

These are the kind of things that are discussed in the book. Begining the moment instead of off somewhere else, hiding from something "unpleasant". I hide from unpleasant all the time, but I realized recently that I miss out on a whole lot of pleasant when I do that. Now I have a guide out of my hidey hole and into the world.

Although I said above the book doesn't tell you what or how to eat, it does give you 7 Guidelines and they are both simple common sense and incredibly difficult-all at the same time.

1. Eat when hungry. (What if you can't recongnize hungery from boredom or saddness or fear?)
2. Eat in a clam environment. (Piff, Dude, I have kids! What calm environment?)
3. Eat without distractions. (See Guideline 2)
4. Eat what your body wants. (It sounds great, but...dangerous)
5. Eat until you are satisfied. (See guideline 1)
6. Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others. (See below!)
7. Eat with enjoyment. (Problem! I have never felt anything but guilt and disgust when I eat.)

Ok, Number 6 knocked the wind out of my body. I swear I didn't realize other people were as fucked up as I am. As far back as I can remember I have hated eating in front of people because I always "felt" their thoughts and judgments..."She SO shouldn't be eating that! Put down the food, big girl! A salad, yeah right! So, NOW we all know how you got that way!" (The book calls that The Voice. It sucks and I now know I can tell it to "fuck off". Yippy!)  I think I've eaten in a restraunt alone once and I took a book with me because I just HAD to block out the idea that people were watching me eat. The idea that I must be prepared to always eat in front of someone and never sneak a quick snack while no one is looking is terrifying. It breaks everything I have ever thought about eating down to the very core. Honestly, I'm scared.

But I also want to stop hiding. I want to feel every single emotion, even if it is unpleasant or unseeminly or messy. I want to know that I did truely "live deliberately... live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die Discover that I had not lived.” (Thoreau).

Why I bother?

So I made a fatal mistake once again, faithful few, I tried to explain myself and reach out for support. I'm a dumb-ass and a glutton for punishment-Maybe I'm a masochist? All I really know for a fact is that I am completely insane...I keep doing the same exact thing and expecting a different response. *sigh* I used to be so smart....

Whether the whole "no life, no job, few prospects, and getting shitty grades on my Pop's grammar quizzes" thing is catching up to me or perhaps its just PMS, but I melted down today. OK, truthfully, I think it's all of the above. But I absolutely hate melting down in front of people, especially when it's in front of a certainwomanwhosharesDNAwithme. WHY? Frankly, because she doesn't get it or me so while Pop always made the joke about finding sympathy between shit and syphilis in the dictionary, SHE really believes it obviously because that's about as much as I ever get from her.

With tears running down my face I'm talking about my struggle and frustration about finding a job (and being rejected at each turn) and my fear of not being able to support the 3 of us on a teacher's salary. What do I get? "Well, we tried to tell you that when you said you wanted to be a teacher?" FUCKING REALLY?!

Never in a million fucking years would I EVER say that to Cait or T!! EVER! But she said she's just trying to be on the "up and up" with me. Okey Dokey! Thanks. How about some support? How about not saying shit? How about listening? How about not passing fucking judgment on me for just one damn day? I think that would be just peachy!! Thanks.

I'm thinking that if I stay here much longer one of us will need to up our dosage of Lexapro, seriously!  Why on Earth do I even bother...

Things That Piss Me Off

I thought I'd let loose a bit of anger and frustration today...

• I have to color my hair today and I'm only a week when I should have done it. I'm not pissed so much that I haven't done it yet, I'm pissed that I have to do it. I mean, I have my Mom color all my WHITE hair while she gets to dance around in her natural, greyless hair color. Talk about some shit!
• I'm having huge bouts of insomnia again. Grrrrr!
• This whole, spinning wheels, unsure where to go or what I'm going to do is pretty much completely in opposition to how I prefer to live my life. I just need some sort of direction, preferably in the form of a job offer, so I can begin making plans again.
• Why is it that some people are continuously allergic to telling the truth. Seriously!?!
• It really does annoy me that Sweet Mamma was right about a Leopard never changing its spots. I keep trying to believe the best in people, but I'll be damned if they keep letting me down. I guess I'll never learn either; it's just sad that I have to learn that lesson.
• My ex STILL hasn't had any sort of court date to put him anywhere other than county jail, which means I STILL haven't gotten my computer back. So, the fucking thing is now a year old and I only used it for 2 months. Pictures of my children are on it. I want it!
• Now, I just wish my life were a Lifetime movie; it's too boring to be on TV at all now. 
• I'm alone, but surrounded by people. I really hate being lonely. I really hate being surrounded. *sigh* I'm bored.
• My life is on hold and it really, really, really pisses me off.