When the excitment just isn't there.

Have you ever really wanted to get excited about something, but just couldn't work up the nerve? That's what I'm currently feeling right now.

You see, I have 2 interviews this week and although I really want to get all pumped and excited about, I'm feeling a bit underwhelmed. Ok, I won't bullshit you guys, I'm scared as hell to get excited because, let's face it, I haven't had the best of luck in the interview department. I mean-Really. Now, I have also already interviewed for a job at this same school...humm, it was about this time last year as a matter of fact.

Needless to say, I didn't get the job. And I should have. Although, maybe they realize that now. 

Maybe that's a leg up or perhaps it just makes me look desperate as hell. I guess looking desperate isn't SO bad because, again something to face guys, I am. 


I also have  date this weekend.  And this would be another area I haven't been having the best of luck in.  It's funny though, I wasn't ever a dater before. Seriously. I jut kinda fell into relationships and never really was the girl that went on dates and "played the field". I never questioned it because, while I think I'm pretty damn cute, I realize that I was not, am not, and never will be that girl that instantly gets noticed from across the room. It's ok and it's not from a lack of self esteem, I promise. I'm just Jamie and there's nothing so eye catching and fantastical that instantly attracts the whole idea of eyes meeting from across the crowded, smoky room. That's not how I roll and that's ok. I'm more of the cute girl that becomes a "wow" after a conversation or two. Yep, I'm personality attractive. (And it's always pissed me off that "She has a great personality translates to "she's not attractive".)

So, I find it confusing to be this serial dater now. I'm not kidding. I've gone on dates with 3 (this Sat will be guy 4) since August and only one has made it to date 3. One of them would have had schedules been more kind and he not freaked out about my kids, but that' snot my problem. (Actually, I think he's trying to maneuver another one, but I'm only going to bite if I see some serious motivation on his part- then I'll think about it.  But please no one think I'm holding my breath...no really.) 

Anyway, at least the guy this Saturday has a little boy so he understands the idea of time constraints and responsibility that comes with molding a little person's life. He's also "motivated" (his words not mine) to drive anywhere at anytime to spend time with me. Odd. I'm not even sure why I should think it's odd, but I swear it fills me with trepidation.  I feel like I should dig into his psyche and find the hidden reason. Maybe it's because I never gave anyone the chance to act that way towards me or maybe I just kept picking the guys that wouldn't. Humm, probably both.

I've always done for other people because I really don't expect anything done for me. How sad that I do not expect a fuss to be made over me, but let's face it, having never been a "squeaky wheel" I've never had an abundance of attention lavished on me. I've always been able to disappear into the background. Convenient, but not exactly the fodder of dreams, ya know.

I think I'm just in the "Meh, why the hell should I get excited about something that will potentially disapointing and probably not work out anyway" phase. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not feel depressed and, yes, I've been taking my meds, but I just can't motivate myself to get all giddy and excited about either interview or my date. Does this mena that my natual optomism is fading and a pessimistic realism is taking over? Ugh, I hope not. How depressing would that be?

Maybe I just need a vacation.  or maybe I just need SOMETHING to fucking work out-at least for a minute.

Just guessing...

She’s shifty

(Please do not mistake my musings for one of those sad and pathetic “my family is the root of all my problems” kind of tirades. I’m just retracing my steps to find out where I got lost. All responsibility for actions or non-actions is mine and mine alone. Thank you.)

So, I'm not sure why, but I have this affliction. As soon as I as within a touching distance of a guy I like and I lose ALL ability to hold onto my personality. Yep, that's right-I'm a personality shifter. I become exactly what the guys either want or expects me to be. and i also suddenly begin to love whatever they love. Why? for example, i don't like classical music or seafood, but I've dated guys who did and suddenly I'm listening to music without words, which would normally either put me to sleep or make me want to scream) and ordering shrimp instead of steak. Wha? My Mom is not like that. Other women in my family aren't like that. Why am I? Hell if I know. But I'm willing to do the leg-work to find out.

I realized that for the past 15 years I have spent no more than 3 months in a row without being in a relationship of some kind. Now, is that healthy? Obviously not because I'm in kinda sad shape right now.

How do you form your own personality? Is it ingrained in us from birth what we are to become or do we get to choose who we are and what we come to love?

Everyone in my family swears my baby-girl looks and acts just like me. I watch my daughter (23 months) and I am amazed by her vibrant, yet mercurial personality. Am I like that? I joke with people that Cait is what I would have been had I had any self esteem, but that’s really not a joke. She is unabashedly true to her wants and desires in a way I do not remember ever being. Just as I shift with guys, I shift in my family as well. I am the peace-keeper-the ever neutral Switzerland. Never having an opinion, but going with the flow and smoothing feathers. However, that was years ago when my Dad and my Sister (both with strong personalities) clashed at every turn. Why did I not evolve into my authentic self when my sister went to college and left me an only child at 12? What held me back? My parents would not have; in fact, they tried to get me to have true opinions even when my sister would have yelled them down.

In trying to find what I lost I will begin with defining those things that I love? (*note- I will be leaving out my children, my family, and my friends because they are all just a given.) Hummmmm, what do I love? Gerber daisies (I’ve decided even though they were in my wedding, carried by my bridesmaids, I can still like them.), Pink, Purple, Sparkle (of any kind), dandelions, tattoos (yes, I really do, and I want a couple more. However, I do NOT want to look like Kat Von D.), Tinkerbelle, making sarcastic remarks, laughing until I cry, any book, movie, or documentary set in Victorian, Tutor, or Elizabethan England (yep, I’m an Anglophile), sitting outside and feeling the wind and sun on my face, sitting alone and reading in silence (so, I don’t actually get to do that one much.), pedicures, facials, my hair being red, Disney, writing, taking naps, yoga pants, sitting under the stars, cuddling....

What do I hate?
Roses (sorry, i just don't like them, especially red ones. The bright pink ones are pretty nice though.), being in a hurry, competing with someone I love, people telling me what to do, people telling me what I think (especially when they are wrong), feeling scared, being confused, having no time to myself, my cluttered room (normally it's due to lack of effort, but it's actually lack of space currently), feeling alone in a crowd, having anger and hate bubble up at random moments, crying...

I'm leaving the ellipses up because I think this will be an ongoing experiment in myself. Feel free to leave comments of your own favorites- it might jst give me more ideas.