Living in Paradise

So last week I made the first portion of "the move" this past weekend.

It has been a week and I can safely say that I have never felt more relaxed, or at least I don't remember a time when I was more relax and comfy. I really tought there would be a big adjustment period or that perhaps he would change his mind after living with us.

As it turns out, he is even more amazing than I knew. Because of his calm nature and the fact he is a phenom Dad, my kids are sleeping in their beds each night without complaint AND taking naps each afternoon. (Who are these kids and where did mine go. I don't really want them back, I just want to keep tabs on the little critters.)

There have been so many times when I have fought bursting into tears. Not because I'm sad, but because I can't believe I am so lucky. My kids are curling up with him and calling him Daddy (or Popi thanks to Dora) and his son is calling me Mom. Just thinking about them all running around on the pitch running and kicking the soccer ball around brings tears to my eyes right now. It's so natural and so amazing...there are no words, guys. There just aren't.

Anyway, I have to admit that it's going so well, the dark part of my brain has begun to try to sabotage me. At night, as this beautiful man is cuddled up next to me, holding my hand in his sleep, it begins to whisper, "Are you kidding me? How can this man, who is so sweet and patient and caring (not to mention hawt!) actually be in love with you? Do you remember being married to the "good enough"guy that decided that sex with other people was perfectly ok? What are you thinking girl?!"

Now I am lucky enough to be able to discuss this with people who can smack the darkness out of my head and then there is the lightness I feel when I tell MAT my fears. Having gone through a nasty break up with D's mom he understands, but there is something about being Colombian that makes me take things in stride and not dwell on the darkness in life. Ok, it might be genetic, but I still think it might be cultural.

I am determined to take each day and appreciate the hell out of it. 

Announcements

First of all...Cait has gone the entire day without an accident. I'm so proud...and I'm glad to save money by not buying pull ups or diapers. 

especially since I got a "we can't ask you back because we don't have any money" letter today. 

In the middle of a class. 

In the middle of the day. 

Delivered by the secretary. 

Yeah, I was pretty well bummed until my wonderful Marco reminded me that everything will be fine because we will make sure it is. Oh and I was also reminded to breathe. 



I must admit to still being a bit "grrrr" until I realized that it was a sign from God that the decision I have recently made was the correct one and I am supposed to pack my bags and leave MS for good. 

What's my decision you ask? 




Sure you wanna know?




I'm getting married everyone. 


It's true. July 16th we will be married in a super small ceremony at a little bed and breakfast in Alabama. Only immediate family will be in attendance (and his mom and grandmother will also be flying in for it!) and it will be just perfect. 

However, if any of you want to send wedding gifts or money, please feel free.   :)    

I'd like to say I'm kidding, but I'm really not. I never look gifts in the mouth....ok, more about getting married later. I think I'll take a nap.  

Downer Central

So, I got some super cool, totally killer news the other day. On a whim, I threw out a resume to an online University that was looking for a Curriculum designer. I never actually thought they'd call or anything, but low and behold...they freaking called! Seriously!

I talked to the Human Resources lady and she set up a phone interview for tomorrow afternoon. I am excited. My pop is pretty pumped. MAT is excited for me. Everyone seems to be excited...except MJ.

In addition to really not acting excited today she lowered the boom of her problem with this "whole thing". Let's, at this point, try to understand that I am only mildly qualified for this job, but it does get me on a community college/university level, which is where I have been wanting to be or at least wanting to get to. Do I expect to get this job? Well, no. Will this stop me from trying? Well, no.  Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled downer session...her problem is the job is located in Orange Beach, Alabama. Yep, two hours from Pascagoula and her. Why? Because from the sounds of it, I am supposed to stay put, cross my fingers for a job here, and never budge from where I am or strive for what I want in life because that makes me a bad mother. That's right fellas. I am a bad mother.

This isn't a conversation we haven't had before, but it never fails to overwhelm me every time. Any time I have a single thought that deviates from hers I become a bad mother. Shall we say that most of my thoughts diviate from hers. It's as though she doesn't understand that I do not have the luxury of being a stay at home mom and devoting every waking second of my life to my children. And to be honest, I dno't want to. I like being Jamie as much as I like being Mommy and I think it is possible to be both. Silly me. I actually said, durign this particular "discussion", "A happy Mommy is good for the kids." Her reply? "A happy Mommy comes second."

Please, do not misunderstand, I do love this woman, but she and I speak a different language. She sees herself as a martyr that sacrificed herself on the cross of motherhood and I see her as someone who really did as she pleased at any given time, but made it seem as though everything revolved around us. I wore the clothes she wanted me to wear, I wore my hair how she wanted me to wear it, I took the classes she wanted me to take, and I took it all with my head down and listened to her bitch about every small, insignificant thing I ever did, said, or thought that she disaproved of...and I did it with a smile people. Why? The same reason we all did, some battles cannot be won so you should just surrender before it begins. It was all about keeping the water smooth. Still is.

I'm not really a bad mother for wanting to follow my dreams am I?

This is what happens when I can't sleep...

I will regret this in the morning without a doubt. While my red, unfocused eyes stare blankly at my bouncing children I will think back on how I was not able to sleep and seriously regret not forcing myself to sleep.

Perhaps my mind keeps drifting forward a day to my first day of work where I will know no one....and I have to do a district inservice to boot. And, did I mention that said inservice is at the high school where I accepted a job and then was told I couldn't accept the job and felt like I had done something very wrong? Yeah, that one. Now, be sure to understand that I am not responsible and was never thought to have done anything wrong at all, but I hate all forms of conflict and two principals fighting over me smacks of conflict in my book. Just saying...

However, my mind could be racing over the thought that it is time for classes to resume at JC and I have not received an email or a call offering me a class. Umm, ok, so they do not even reopen until tomorrow, but that is decidedly beside the point! I want to know if I have an extra job, by God. Why do people never do things on MY time clock? Again...just saying...

Maybe my brain keeps replaying clips of phone conversations and emails and actual face-to-face dialogue between me and my MAT. (If he calls me "my Jamie," I'm thinking he can be mine too.) He's very curious about what everyone is saying about him, especially since I have actually mentioned him by name on a FB status, and I do not have the heart to tell him that I only refer to him as a nameless "date" on a blog and do not speak of him outloud otherwise. I'm just not sure he would understand that to say it out loud to those around me makes it real and therefore something that can crush me if/when it ends.

I know in some level he would because he was hurt deeply by his ex, but I can see none of that on his face-ever. Each time we are together, either in person or on the phone or online, he is fully there, ya know.  No holding back, no games, no subterfuge-just him and his honesty. Now he flirts...Lord does that man flirt...and Lord, bless my soul, is he ever good at it...but it feels differently than what I'm used to. I'm used to blatant flirting that is heavily laced with innuendo and propositions, but his is....well, honest and straightforward. Open. There is affection without overt references to sex being bandied about; there are only terms of endearment and questions about my day and plans and occasional "kiss" thrown in for good measure. In fact, the only thing remotely racy about our conversations is the increasing number of times the word "kiss" is thrown around. (Hell, he even says "kiss" before he gets off the phone with me.)  And I am sitting here feeling nervous because I have no words to describe what this feels like and I'm trying desperately to play it off and grown up because it's not like I'm a stupid teenager (although, I know you all probably don't believe it after all the crushes I've had in the past year) and can afford to be so flippant with thoughts and ideas.

While I know that whatever happens I will survive and move on, just as have before and will again, but I'm actually more afraid of getting used to this kind of treatment and always being disappointed if I never receive it again. I actually started to ask him if he was interested in a thing that's happening next month and stopped myself with the thought, "Really, Jamie. You want to ask him about next month. Ya assuming a lot aren't you?" 

This is after knowing that he already said he will run my first 5K with me in May, but I have a hard time counting on that.  It's not that I do not believe him; it's just that it boggles my damn mind. Seriously, guys, why. I mean I met him in November and started emailing and talking on the phone. We had our first date the saturday before Christmas. We just had our third date (AND we all know from past posts that I seem to have a shelf life of around 6 weeks or 3ish dates. Not sure why, but that has been the trend.) and I think I'm waiting for the shoe to drop and each day it doesn't I'm not sure whether to breath a sigh of relief and do a happy dance or just keep my fingers crossed.

I know...I know..I'm thinking WAY too much about all of this shit and I should give it a rest, get some sleep and just relax...easy for you to say, Paco. You don't have to worry about the weird fluttery feeling you get thinking about some really sweet and extremely handsome man with excellent hands and very, very muscled abs(Oh yes, hand on chest..zero fat, pudge, anything...just very hard, solid muscle. Whoa...) And how the more excited you get when his name pops up on the phone or online the more nervous you get and how stupid it all sounds-even when it's just said in your own head. I mean, Hallmark doesn't make a "I like you and it scares the mortal hell out of me because I just can't think of any reason why I should get to keep you even tough I have no idea why I'd even have a single thought about keeping anyone this soon after us meeting" card. Good God I'm nurotic tonight..

SEE!!!

This is what happens when I can't sleep!!! I toss. I turn. I starting thinking and then I can't turn my fucking brain off!! Holy hell!!  I'm fucking going to bed....

PS-Just to let you guys know, i'm pretty sure this all spurred from the possibility of us going a group outing this weekend. Me and my two & him and his one. I keep thinking that either sometime this week (in a panic of "OMG her kids that might be too serious") or next week (in a panic of "OMG her kids are wild and I can't deal") the death knell will sound and that will be all she wrote...sigh.......damn, I really AM going to bed this time.

The End of a Year

Looking back over this past year and change I am awestruck by my own perseverance. Seriously, I might as well toot my own fucking horn here because just how many people do you know that could have not only survived the past two years of my life, let alone come out smiling....I mean really.

TOOT-TOOT!!!!!!

Anyway, I will begin my saying that I found 2009 to be the shittiest year in recorded history. There are just no accurate words to described the incredibly fucked up nature of that whole year. There are very few people I know who do NOT look at that year with disdain, but I have special reason to hate everything about it...

First, I lose my wonderful Aunt on Christmas Day (so, it was technically 2008, but you will understand in a minute why it all fits together.). Then, exactly 30 days later, on Jan 25th, I lose my Uncle. (It would be terribly romantic if it were people NOT related to me, but it's fucking terrible and depressing when you really love those people.) Then, a few months later, I lose my Godfather, who was also my Great Uncle. 

Can we say my family was having a shitty year and I was about to get worried for my Pop?! I mean REALLY people.

Anyhoo...A few months later I lose my marriage and family until thrusting me into full Single Mom status. Yippymotherfuckingskippy!

The rest of 2009 was spent with me trying desperately to figure out what the fuck I was supposed to do now that I had to start from the begining.

2010 began somehow...I seriously do not remember. Truthfully, I only remember thinking on New Year's Day that I went the whole day without crying and it was the first New Year's Day I hadn't cried in somewhere around 10 years. (Speaking of shitty and fucked up)

This past year was spent trying to navigate the mind-field of living with my parents, (ok, so maybe just my mom-God love her), trying to find a job, and trying to figure out exactly what I want out of life.

Do I know now? Nope.

Am I closer than I was two years ago? Oh hell yeah!!!

So, my New Year's day this year will be spent with a beautiful man who starts each conversation with "Hello gorgeous" or "hello beautiful" and I predict I will not cry this year either.

Tonight I am (besides typing this quickly from another room) hanging out with my bf D and my kiddies. We ate pizza, baked cookies, and have laughed a ton so far. Once the kiddies fall asleep or at least hold still a little while, we will have a drink and gossip about life.

So far, I'm a fan of 2011...

Afternoon Happiness

So, let me just tell you, guys!! I had the most wonderful afternoon! Truly, I did! 

What happened you ask?


Well................................................

I met my sweet, beautiful, Colombian soccer player (henceforth known as MAT because, well, those are his initials.) in Mobile today at Starbucks. A coffee on the patio while we laughed and talked (and he held my hand) set the tone quite well. Yep, you read that correctly; as soon as we saw one another and hugged, he immediately slipped my hand to the inside crook of his arm, covering it with the other. (Totally swoon-worthy!)

Now this may not seem wondrously interesting to most, but as someone who has always craved touch, yet have never dated a man who shared that, it was a huge deal. I mean, I've had the constant gropers and the "Oh look we are alone" grabbers, but never, never have I had a man who could simply drape his arm around my shoulder as a gesture of affection or hold my hand without a single thought as to place, people, or appropriateness. Plus, it was touch that was affection for the sake of affection and not overtly sexual. (Not that there was no chemistry or slight undertone, but it wasn't touch meant to just be about sex. That was nice. Affection just to show care not just an avenue to get laid.)

And I must admit that because of that I have always been a bit timid, but I never gave it a second though to throw my arm around his waist and hug him back or reach backwards for his hand when the passageway was narrow and I had to walk ahead of him. It was as though I had been doing that for years.  I also haven't dated a guy who was as animated as me-hand and face.

I did find out juicy tidbits today....it is not a stereotype to assume that as a Colombian he loves coffee (when I asked the question he smiled and said, "Of course I love coffee; I'm Colombian."), he gets moody when hungry, almost always drives the speed limit (Except today, he got a speeding ticket on his way to Mobile. His first ever!), he likes to play with Diego's toys, and he thinks it would be interesting to live in Atlanta (However, I'm not sure he can just pick up and move since his company sponsor's his visa to live here. I don't really know how all that works.).

Didn't I tell you guys he was my Colombian soccer player? Yep, wasn't kidding. He really is from Colombia-like his whole life and his family still lives there. NOTE- He did ask me if I thought I'd enjoy or have a problem with visiting Colombia. Just saying. I know he is just ticking off random questions that might become an issue if this continues, but it still denotes the thought of future. Personally, I think it would rock! However, I like to travel to new places.

Oh, I also learned that bullshit you read in romance novels about a "smouldering" look can actually be accomplished by a Latin man. If it can be accomplished by anyone else I've never seen it, but I've seen attempts-laughable attempts. MAT can smile and then focus his eyes in a way that is just tingle central. Seriously, you can damn near feels what he's thinking. :) 

Anyway, when it was time to go, he drove me to my car and kissed me several times before I went to my car and began my trek home. or should I say...my smiley trek home.

Yep, I smiled all the way home.

It really was the kind of day that definitely makes all other things seem wonderful.

To be continued...

Be Still my Heart

I received the most exciting phone call today...



You guys will SO never guess!!!


My beautiful, sexy, Colombian soccer player called and asked if he could dive down one day this week and see me.


Yep, he is going to drive almost 3 hours to come see little, ole me.

And he's all anxious and excited. (giggle)

Why?

I have no freaking clue.  


However, I refuse to think all negativly and wonder "Why in the world does this man want to spend time with me?" (even if I have seen pictures of his ex on FB and , let me just say that she was beautiful.)

Instead I will just enjoy the time we spend together and embrace the NOW of it all.

• I'm pretty excited that he's excited.
•  
• I'm pretty excited he wants to see me again.
•  
• I'm pretty excited that he's willing to drive all the way here to see me.

Ok, I'm just pretty excited...but not in a weird, crazy-girl, "I think this means we are destined to be together" kind of way.

More of a "Wow, he's really sweet and cute and precious and we really had fun last time" kind of feeling.

BTW, I won't even get into the crazy amounts of tingles that occurred with the sweet, (almost) chaste kiss he gave me. Whoa!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ugh, Why Me?!?!

I almost died today while getting ready for Church.

I do not lie, perhaps I exaggerate, but I do not lie. 

While washing my face to reapply a fresh face for public consumption, leaned into the mirror to check my brows, which badly need plucking btw, and noticed the most horrific thing EVER!!! 

I have lines around my eyes.

The last time I really looked I only had a few little slight things fluttering straight off of the corner of my eyes. Not a big deal. They were hardly noticeable unless I smiled and then they were only a vague badge that showed how often I've smiled in my life. Not a deal!

Today I saw terrible, horrible, grotesque caverns that not only settled into my skin straight from my eyes, but they also traveled SOUTH from my eyes. Holfyfuckingshit, people! What is that about!!!????!!!!

I'm serious, the only thing that has been different in the past few months is my weight loss... 

OMFG!!! Is nature telling me that as I lose weight I will find myself amazingly disfigured by wrinkles???

What's that shit about? Is weight loss that important?

Should I keep the weight just so I don't become the Crypt Keeper?

Oh, someone help me?! I need to go to Walmart TO-NIGHT and buy some serious wrinkle cream!!! Heaven help me...I really am too vain to have anything so horrible around my favorite feature. *sigh* 

Perhaps I just waited too long to lose weight and I really will just find that I will have more and more and more as I shrink...OMG, I really DO look like the people I talk about that look old for my age.

Alas...Karma begins to kick my ass....

Wanting What You Don't Have

I am so pissed off right now I almost can't see straight. For real; I'm not kidding. Oh, you guys will be too, just as son as I tell you the latest in the fucked up saga that surrounds anything to do with ex's fucked up family. AAAAKKKK!!!!!

Anyway, just a bit of background....

whathisname's "father" left his mom when he was around 10ish and had no actual relationship with him. Zero. Nada. Nothing. I was the one who encouraged the ex to get back in touch with the "father" because I thought it was a good idea. I'm not sure anymore.

The "father" lives maybe 20 minutes from my house. 20. Two-Zero. Twenty. That's it. Has that man, or his wife (Note-not the ex's mom) darkened the door of my home? Nope. They came to Cait's birthday party and to Tristan's birthday party. No phone calls. No cards. Nothing.

Well, perhaps not nothing...occasionally I get a message on FB from the "stepmom"-written in all caps-which I begrudgingly answer because it is usually heavy with guilt trip sauce...and I don't tolerate guilt trip shit from MJ so why would I tolorate it from someone else? I mean really people.

Anyway, I got a box via the US postal service today from, guess who...that's write. It was from them. The box is full of Christmas presents for the kids.

That's right, FF, those assholes could not even be bothered to drive 20 fucking minutes to come see my children and hand them their gifts in person. Nope, they mailed them.

Did I mention they live 20 minutes away?

Did I also mention that ex's Mom lives further away and drives to my house almost every time she is off work to come visit the kids? She usually only gets one day off a week, and she spends at least a few hours of it with those babies because they are important to her. Because of that, anytime we are anywhere near where she works we stop by and visit for a few minutes. I make an effort because SHE makes an effort.

If she isn't able to come by for a couple of weeks, she calls for a general update. Ok, so most of the time it's after she's around a 6 pack in so it's a short, but interesting conversation, but she tries.

What do I get from the others? Not a goshdamn thing. Actually, damn near less than that even.

Do they expect me to drive to their house, while they sit in their recliners, chain smoking in front of my children? Umm, yeah, NO! If my children are SOO important you can make an effort, therefore I will make an effort.

Now, I should know better because they never came to our house when we were married, so why us not being married anymore should make things any different, but...dammit! It just pisses me the fuck off.

And you know what, I bet they talk about me like I'm dog-shit because I do not go over there and visit with them. Once again, I bring up the smoke the billows out of the house when they open the door. Every time we took the kids as babies they cried the entire time and ended up with a cold because of the smoke. Plus, I have nothing-nothing-nothing-NOTHING in common with either one of those people, except the kids. I'm not all about a social call. I'm not about a "let's catch up". I don't really know them and from whe I can tell they don't really want to know anything about my kids.

Pop says to let it go and to not worry about them becasue the kids have plenty of grandparents. And I know I should, but it just gets in my crawl that those people are treating my babies like second class citizens that aren't worth thier time enough to come visit.

I know how that feels. I've been treated like that by MJ's mother since I was 11. (Don't ask, I still do not know what an 11yr old does to become oustrasized by her own grandmother. However, suffice to say neither me or my sister are, were, or ever will be the "Golden Grandchildren" that she gives two shits about.) And I didin't have anohter grandmother to pick up the slack. I was just grandparentless and I always felt like there was a huge, gaping hole in my soul where something should have been and wasn't. The idea that this person genetically bonded to me disliked me to such a degree that I didn't matter to them. I don't want the kids to feel that way. To feel slighted. My parents (along with ex's mom and my brother-in-laws parents) will defintely take up any slack, but I'm afraid as they get bigger they will always earn for that thing they will never get-just as I always have. The acceptance and love of those people who could fucking care less.

I mean, tell me a single person who would not just love these faces so much they wouldn't want to see them as much as possible....

Pops's right (as usual), screw them..my kids ROCK!!

Parenting

(Please remember I love my kids more than life itself, but sometimes my job as "The Mom" sucks!)

For any of you that do not have children that may be thinking about the whole baby thing OR have babies that are still tiny and want to know some basics...


What are the best things about being a parent?

• the "I love you's"
• the hugs
• the kisses
• the cuddles
• baby breath. (It lasts until around age 3 then brushing the teeth is necessary to prevent stinking breath, not just tooth health.)
• begin able to teach them new things
• learning to make crafts
• coloring together
• giggles
• watching a budding personality develop
• learning to understand their "language"
• listening to the kids play together

Worst thing about being a parent?

• the phone call from the school principal that your 4 yr old is in the office. (yep, that was today)
• the whole not listening thing!!! (that's pretty consistent, unfortunately)
• doing the whole discipline thing. (especially when you are the first, last, and only defence)
• Holding back your laughter when they do something that you have to get onto them for...(everyday)
• picking eating habits
• tantrums (especially when your kids are half your size and almost stronger than you. lol)
• Did I mention the principal calling? sigh...

Fat is the new Black

While I've been hearing the scuttlebutt around the Internet for a few weeks about an offensive article in Marie Claire, I didn't bother to read it because I try not to purposely read something that will piss me off. Ya know?!

SO, when Jen Lancaster chimed in with her own reaction to the article I took the bait and read it, along with her-very well put-response to the author.

In case you guys haven't read this jem of literary magnificence, I give you the opportunity here to read it complete with my own running commentary.


 Should "Fatties" Get a Room? (Even on TV?)Wow, you SO went there in the title? Really?

by Maura Kelly




The other day, my editor asked me, "Do you really think people feel uncomfortable when they see overweight people making out on television?" Slow news day, kitten? I guess everyone has to take a break from deep investigative reporting like new sex positions and what products Jennifer Anniston uses on her hair-you know, the hair do that hasn't changed in 15 years. We So care. Really.  



Because I can be kind of clueless say it ain't so?— I'm not much of a TV person how very cultured of you, I guess you are a much better person than me— I had no idea what she was talking about, so she steered me to this CNN article, about the CBS sitcom Mike & Molly. As CNN explains, "the show centers around a couple who meet at an Overeaters Anonymous group [and] has drawn complaints for its abundance of fat jokes [as well as] cries from some viewers who aren't comfortable watching intimacy between two plus-sized actors." I tend to think of fat jokes in the same vein as religious or ethnic jokes..you can tell it if you are apart of it. For example, I can tell Catholic jokes and "Mic" jokes because I am both, but I'm not as willing to laugh if told be an Italian protestant. Just me.


My initial response was: Hmm, being overweight is one thing — those people are downright obese! So, what is your medical training to determine that? Did you run tests and take measurements? And while I think our country's obsession with physical perfection is unhealthy, I also think it's at least equally crazy, albeit I'm so proud that you know a big word, pumpkin in the other direction, to be implicitly promoting obesity! So, a show that features fat people is promoting fat as the new black? Yes, anorexia is sick that's a big left field, we were talking about fat people, but at least some slim models are simply naturally skinny there isn't on damn woman who is 5'10" and 100 naturally. Fuck you!. No one who is as fat as Mike and Molly can be healthy. Whoa, I'd love for the actors who play those characters to whip your ass to show you how unhealthy they are!And obesity is costing our country far more in terms of all the related health problems we are paying for, by way of our insurance, than any other health problem, even cancer. Were you told this or do you have charts? Where is you actual evidence? Cite it! (Not that I don't believe it, but she's throwing too much info around that isn't being cited.)


So anyway, yes, I think I'd be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each otherwell, I don't want to watch a couple of bony people spearing each other with their jutting bones while trying to embrace one another. CLANK! ... because I'd be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I'd find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.Holy shit! That is really the most offensive thing I've ever heard in my life. As the former wife of an alcoholic, I can tell you watching someone work real hard to drink themselves into oblivion every single day is MUCH less aesthetically pleasing than a big person walking. Advice: Don't Fucking Watch! Turn you head, which I'm sure is bleached out blond with four pounds of makeup to make up for the dark circles and sickeningly protruding cheekbones from waking up at 4AM each morning to work out fiendishly while living on martini olives and lettuce.



Now, don't go getting the wrong impression too late for that shit!: I have a few friends who could be called plump Oh, well, how open-minded of you; what are they, a size 6 instead of a "healthy" size 4? Wonder if they will return your calls now?. I'm not some size-ist jerk.LIE!!! And I also know how tough it can be for truly heavy people to psych themselves up for the long process of slimming down Oh you DO? So, what part of your existence have you ever spent with a weight problem? . (For instance, the overweight maintenance guy at my gym has talked to me a little bit about how it seems worthless for him to even try working out, because he's been heavy for as long as he can remember.) Awe, look how sweet you are to actually talk to help, even if he is a fatty.


But ... I think obesity is something that most people have a ton of control over. It's something they can change, if only they put their minds to it.I'd like to repeat the question from earlier about how long your' battled your own weight problem? How's that anorexia coming?


(I'm happy to give you some nutrition and fitness suggestions if you need them — but long story short, eat more fresh and unprocessed foods, read labels and avoid foods with any kind of processed sweetener in them whether it's cane sugar or high fructose corn syrup, increase the amount of fiber you're getting, get some kind of exercise for 30 minutes at least five times a week, and do everything you can to stand up more — even while using your computer — and walk more. I admit that there's plenty that makes slimming down tough, but YOU CAN DO IT! Trust me. It will take some time, but you'll also feel so good, physically and emotionally. A nutritionist or personal trainer will help — and if you can't afford one, visit your local YMCA for some advice.)If it's SO damn easy and simple then why is most of America heavy? And I don' know who are are when you are at home, but you sure as shit ain't anything that I feel the need to take YOUR advice when it comes to a nutrition and fitness regime. 

Then again, I guess these characters are in Overeaters Anonymous. So ... points for trying?how gracious you are...

Then again, I tend to think most television shows are a kind of junk food for the mind and body.because you aren't an elitist bitch or anything.  The boob tube gives us an excuse to turn off both our brains and our bodies and probably does a helluva lot to contribute to the obesity problem, love the instant analysis on culture. maybe you should be elected to the federal government since you can obviously solve every one's problems with a random blanket of one-size-fits-all information. over all. So ... I don't know. No. no, you really don't. Finally a true statement.


What do you guys think? If they agree with you, probably very little. Fat people making out on TV — are you cool with it? Do you think I'm being an insensitive jerk? Yep, pretty much, thanks for asking, BTW. Oh, and your editor is also a complete schmuk! 



Now, any of you that are not familiar with the amazingly and biting hilarious Jen Lancaster; allow me to introduce her to you via her counterpoint to the hateful bitch.





I think I may go have a cookie...

Throwing Myself Under the Bus

Yep, I'm going to do it; you heard it here first. (or at all actually because I don't think my comings and goings are really news worthy-yet (WINKWINK) )

Anyway, I have come to a huge decision and wanted to share it here so I would have people constantly on my ass about it basically. If you have never looked at the pages listed along the top, left side of this page (No the Other Left. Geeze guys!) you should notice a link that is titled What this Girl will Do in a Year.

If you can't see it you are, indeed looking at the wrong side of the page, so look again. Ahh, now we are cooking with gas.

Well, one of the items on that list is to finish my major WIP (work in progress) by Christmas. The idea for this particular piece struck me (damn near literally) while I was attempting the C25K back in Febuary. (No, I didn't finish that either, but it is ALSO on my list. By God, I WILL do it!) However, after working and piddling with it I decided to get super serious this past June. And then I hit a huge block wall...

It's not I ran out of things to say,  I literally hit a section that I couldn't write through, under, over, sidways, beside, or in the general vicinity of and every time I tried I hated it so completely that it began to color the entire work for me. Well, FF I just couldn't have that!  

So, I took some time off to work on other pieces.

Then I did some traveling.

Then I got my classes at JC.

Then T started to school and I thought my time would magically open up...WRONG!

Nope, now MJ makes even more snide comments whenever she sees anyone on a computer. "What? I wasn't saying anything about you?!" Methinks she doth protest too damn much, but that's just me. Patience has never been a virtue of mine (ask any former students, they'll tell ya that's the honest truth.), but I have tried to be as passive as possible (as a gift to my Pop) in expalining that between the writing I'm (attempting), teaching online, grading papers via email, and yes, periodically checking FB to catch up on anything that happens outside the city limits of Pascafuckingoula that the computer is pretty much necessary to my life.

With that being said... have spent less and less time working on anything of substance because I can only throw short snatches of time together to do anything without being made to feel, well, like total shit about it. (I even stopped going to the gym for 2 solid months so I never had to be away from the kids. guess what? No parade...)

The writing has suffered. I have suffered.  

The suffering ends now. Damnit. I WILL finish. I will mark this off my list. It will be something I'm proud of, but I have to stop accepting convenient excuses to put it off.

And how, pray tell, will I accomplish this lofty goal? Besides tell all of you so you can stay on my ass out it, I am actually going to query a few agent. AAKK!!!!! Yep, you read that correctly. I read about a couple of agents that are looking for new blood and thought, "What. The. Hell. Why not?"

Now, I fully intend for those of these nice ladies to read my query letter and first 5-10 pages and basically tell me, "It was nice, but it's me not you." I mean, no one gets a stroke of luck on their first shot. Would it be awesome? Hell yeah, but not exactly practical. that being said I'm sure I will thrown an enormous pity party complete with streamers, confetti, and hats while eating Ben and Jerry's Birthday Cake Ice cream straight out of the carton. Knowing something doesn't make it easier, folks, you know this. Don't judge!

So, that's the big announcement...

I will finish at least a first draft by Christmas AND I will send out 2 query letters so I can get the first of what I'm told will be a string of rejections out of the way.

Wish me luck!!!

Women, Food, and God - The End / The Final Review

I'm not usually one to ramble on about God and spirituality. I believe in God and I am spiritual in my own way. I'm a pretty good Catholic girl; however, I don't feel the need to inform the world. I'm perfectly happy be-bopping my own marry way and letting everyone else be-bop theirs. My guess this comes from my years as a public high school teacher, you know the whole separation of Church and state thing-I'm very "Don't ask- Don't tell" when it comes to God.

Anyhoo, that being said, I picked up Women, Food, and God with some degree of trepidation, even though one of my most trusted sources in the world told me to pick it up.  Let me tell you, my faithful few, it rocked my freaking world! Seriously. Maybe you have read my previous posts about this book, but now that I'm finished with it, I think I may read it again and give it out as gifts until everyone I know has this book!

It has completely changed my idea of eating and food in general. I'm not saying that my brain is now perfectly clear and rainbows are as far as I can see, but I am telling you that I'm aware of shit now that I knew, but didn't realize effected me. And I also didn't know that anyone else felt the same way about themselves that I fet about myself. Woe Buddy!!

You see, this book doesn't tell you what to eat or how to eat; it makes you think about "Why" you are eating. Are you eating because you are hungry or because you are sad/angry/frustrated/overwhelmed/etc? Do you know? Can you tell the difference? I coudn't. At least I know after I do it now  I realize what I have done.

For example, at lunch, I stuffed food down my face quickly so I could get my kids situated with thier meals, drinks, napkins, and headed off to nap-time; I didn't realize until afterwards that I have no idea what I ate or even what it tasted like. I am only vaugly aware of the after-taste of mustard.) Why could I not have made the meal more pleasureable to all of us? Why did I have to be SO in control for the surroundings and trapping of "meal" that I was unaware of mine. Then, as all moms do, I found myself picking off of the kid's plates as I cleaned up...Hello!! Not hungry, McCarty! Why are you putting food in your mouth?!!!  Sease and disist!!! Unhand those fries!!!

These are the kind of things that are discussed in the book. Begining the moment instead of off somewhere else, hiding from something "unpleasant". I hide from unpleasant all the time, but I realized recently that I miss out on a whole lot of pleasant when I do that. Now I have a guide out of my hidey hole and into the world.

Although I said above the book doesn't tell you what or how to eat, it does give you 7 Guidelines and they are both simple common sense and incredibly difficult-all at the same time.

1. Eat when hungry. (What if you can't recongnize hungery from boredom or saddness or fear?)
2. Eat in a clam environment. (Piff, Dude, I have kids! What calm environment?)
3. Eat without distractions. (See Guideline 2)
4. Eat what your body wants. (It sounds great, but...dangerous)
5. Eat until you are satisfied. (See guideline 1)
6. Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others. (See below!)
7. Eat with enjoyment. (Problem! I have never felt anything but guilt and disgust when I eat.)

Ok, Number 6 knocked the wind out of my body. I swear I didn't realize other people were as fucked up as I am. As far back as I can remember I have hated eating in front of people because I always "felt" their thoughts and judgments..."She SO shouldn't be eating that! Put down the food, big girl! A salad, yeah right! So, NOW we all know how you got that way!" (The book calls that The Voice. It sucks and I now know I can tell it to "fuck off". Yippy!)  I think I've eaten in a restraunt alone once and I took a book with me because I just HAD to block out the idea that people were watching me eat. The idea that I must be prepared to always eat in front of someone and never sneak a quick snack while no one is looking is terrifying. It breaks everything I have ever thought about eating down to the very core. Honestly, I'm scared.

But I also want to stop hiding. I want to feel every single emotion, even if it is unpleasant or unseeminly or messy. I want to know that I did truely "live deliberately... live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die Discover that I had not lived.” (Thoreau).

Further Evidence of my Crazy

So my crazy is evident once again. my brain has been stuck in a constant loop of day dreams, even when I can't write them down and I gotta tell ya, my make-believe world is way more interesting than reality.

Just the slightest hint of anything sends my mind off in search of all kinds of "what could be" situations. Maybe this will happen? What if this happens instead? This would be so cool!

Sigh

Then I remember, "Oh yeah, that's not really happening." Oh well. It was nice while it lasted.