Mi Amorcito

When I first saw this man back in October, I remember thinking that there was no way in hell he'd ever be actually interested in me. Just no damn way, people.  He's almost three years younger with three percent body fat and totally yummy. (I mean the accent alone, guys!) What in hell can I offer this man?!?!

Obviously a lot as it turns out because he has chosen me. Shut the Front DooR!!!

And better than that...he is all about me begin as girly as I absolutely want to be. In fact, he encourages me to get my nails done. I asked him if he thought it was a stupid expense and he replied, "Are you going to get them redone every 3 days?"

"Well, no; that's just silly."

"Then there is nothing wrong with you needing to get your nails done. It makes you feel good."

Sorry girls, he's all mine.

He is encouraging my weight loss and reminding me to eat (he used to check that I ate breakfast every day until it became a habit), but not because I'm big; because, "The kids and I need you around a long time, baby." I must say it's easy to eat well around him because he eats so well. Fruit, vegetables, rice, protien, smoothies...he likes good fod, but it isn't a NEED for him. Food fuels his body; it's not something he lives for.

Hummm...What a novel concept.

Actually, he asked me what I thought the other day because he was afraid he is getting too skinny. I told him that I would fatten him up soon enough with some good Southern cooking, but I wouldn't change a single thing about him. I have seriously never thought hip bones were sexy on a man until recently. Wow. Really.

Anyhoooooooo....

I feel myself blossoming under his light. I can remember once liking the feeling of being girly and feminine, but I stopped because it became passe'. I love the feeling of wearing dresses and feeling pretty...and I do. Where a majority of my life I always felt my weight (regardless of what I weighed) and felt awkward in pretty clothes because I didn't think I was pretty enough to wear pretty clothes.

For some reason I thought that pretty clothes highlighted my lack of pretty by drawing attention to myself instead of helping me become prettier. I know I'm not crazy and other people have felt the same way...right?

Now, as I stand beside him, I feel like the most beautiful girl in the room. Seriously. I do not notice who is prettier or skinnier or has a cuter outfit; I just focus on us and how good I feel around him. It's like the huge mountain of uncertainty disapears and I can finally relax into my skin. I have more fun. I smile more. I laugh more. I stress less. I fidget less. (This is HUGE in itself!) And all of these things are felt both with and without kids. I am as relaxed with all 3 kids as I am with just us 2. He just lets me be me and really loves it.

My cousin commented months ago that it was true love becasue I said I felt skinny around him. It's true. I do. I'm am never self conscious of my weight around him and when I've said I could wear something I've seen in a store window he has just looked at me oddly and said, "Why?" Like the fact that I'm probably around 70 pounds overweight has never really occured to him.

God, I love that Latin men like women with meat on their bones. Because while I may never lose all of this 70 pounds (even though I'm really trying and it's decreasing sssslllowllllyyyyyyy), he will still think I'm just as beautiful at a smaller size as he does right now. I mean...I'm going to get nothing but better!

Hell, I may be freaking impossible to live with by the time I lose a bit more weight. 


For example, I bought a dress on a whim. I thought it was pretty, but I would have NEVER even attempted to wear at any other time in my life...even when I was in college! But I bought this cute, lilac colored, strapless dress with ruffled tiers. (see below)

 I wore it out the other night with a little black shrug and wedge heels with black flowers onteh strapes and his eyes bugged out of his head. "Baby, this dress this dress!!! You look georgous!! Where did you get this dress!"

Don't ask me what anyone else was wearing that night. And don't bother asking his what anyone else was wearing because he proudly held onto me the entire night. I felt like a queen. I fetl like no one has ever made me feel before...I felt like my Pop finally wasn't full of total shit for the past 33 years...I felt beautiful.

Holy shit...I guess I am beautiful after all.  :)

I'm Baaaack...

I was told today that my poor cuz was so lost because I haven't blogged in a while...Sorry, Sunnie. This one's for you.

I know it's been a while since I showed up here, but I spent week before last so darn sick that I barely had the energy to crawl into bed each night. Then last week I was in some crazy funk that I just couldn't shake no matter what I tried.


I'm thinking it was probably just the aftermath of my wonderful, amazing, fabulous Valentine's with mi Marquito. I mean, ya spend 24 hours wrapped in the light and loving warmth of Cloud 8,422 and then  plunged into the cold reality of life, it tends to play havoc on your psyche. I'm just guessing people; I have no clue why I was in my head all week. (Not that I don't have several theories mind you.)


However, I did manage to belly crawl out by this past Sunday and MAT was very happy to hear the difference in my voice. I guess the lunch time phone calls I received Thursday and Friday were literally to check on me because he said the other night he was starting to get concerned because I was acting differently, "Not like my Jamie."


I need to pause here to tell all of you that being referred to as "my Jamie" or the newly minted "mi Jamiecita" is absolutely thrilling. He used that to start a text this afternoon and got so giddy and light headed that I got up and gave all my students in that class and piece of candy-just cause. That is what that man does to me...he just makes every moment seem like one to celebrate.


Anyway...Between gaining two pounds while being too sick to track my eating on WW the week before or the fabulous news that I have to have a "procedure" for an abnormal pap (lucky me) or the lack of sleep that comes from MJ being out of town and both kids crawling into bed with me each night, it just wasn't my week. Ok, it didn't help that I know I wasn't going to be able to see MAT that weekend either. I joked with him that I knew it was important for him to work since he spent so much money on our amazing Valentine dinner. He was busy. I was busy. It was a beautiful weekend and even though I spent the majority of it outside with the kiddies, I couldn't help but think it'd be even more fun with MAT and little D running around with us.

I am feeling better and today's flirty chats with Marquito certainly helped my day. Insert large smile and cleansing sigh here...

Valentine

Perhaps I am overly dramatic or fatalistic, but I swear at least once a week I expect to get the call, email, text, chat, or whatever that effectively ends this little cloud of giggly joy of mine. Yep, it still just seems impossible that this will continue because, let's face it, I really haven't had the best luck with guys ever. I'm guessing this is different because I didn't choose him, he started it so technically he chose me. That boggles my mind, guys. It just does and I promise, I really do have a moderately healthy self esteem...now.

Anyway, I had to ask a question that made me queasy, but I did it anyway. You see, I found this little gift that i knew I had to get for him, but first I needed to find out if it needed to be a Valentine's gift or a birthday gift. (His birthday is the 20th.) So, I asked what it should be for.

He replied that he'd "be happy if you'd be my Valentine." I swear my hands were shaky and sweating waiting for that reply. Did I think he'd be all, "Are you kidding, Hell no," or "That's a bit too much for me right now,"? Umm, yeah, actually I did. Hear again, I keep expecting the worst and getting pleasantly surprised.

Anyway, long story short (too late) I have a Valentine's date! He made reservations for us to take a cooking class where we make this fancy brunch with the help of a chef and then eat it. I've always wanted to do something like that! Isnt' it just the sweetest?! I'm gushing...I know. It's totally disgusting and I'd vomit myself if it weren't actually happening to me.

I think it is cute and sweet and all romantical. Like him...

So Cute

Disclaimer: This is a seriously sappy posting! Please do not continue reading if you have low tolerances for sap in its many forms. Please stop reading immediately if you find yourself gagging or the eye rolling gets frequent enough to strain any muscles.  

Don't say I didn't warn you...


SO, I met my beautiful Colombian again this weekend. I am constantly taken aback by the big smile that travels right up past his eyes to his forehead every time he sees me. Hugs, kisses, and hand holding follow that smile that never actually fades.

Then he asks, "Do you like my shirt?"

Now this may sound like like a random and slightly odd question, and I thought so to until I looked again at it. You see, the shirt was a tiny, tiny, tiny red and white gingham that looks almost pink from far away. Still confused?  Once before I had made a comment about how nice he'd look in pink because of his complexion. Let me just say, the pink looked fabulous on him and I told him so. 

I also had to add, "So, did you buy that shirt because I told you you'd look so good in pink?"

He looked down smiling, "Yeeeahhhh. I did; so you DO like?" Do you know how hard it was to play it cool on that question? Seriously, people. You just do NOT know! However, I did show my appreciation for him going out on a limb and believing me. Once again, trying not to read things into it, but can't help but giggle at what it could possibly mean.


Anyway...we venture on our merry way and stop for coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact we do always have coffee first. Why? Because I'm a McCarty and he's Colombian-that's why. SO there!  There was a girl in front of us that had on a pair of bright pink shoes. they weren't the cutest things in the world (kinda like a low top Uggs), but I liked the color and they looked comfy. I commented on them, but he looked and then immediately looked at my feet. You see I have a pair of bright pink suede loafers that I love and have worn several times. SO he looks at me and says, "They aren't cute. YOURS are much cuter? Why you didn't wear your pink shoes? You could have shown her cute shoes." Ahhh, it's like he knows exactly what a girl needs to hear to feel wonderful.

Good times. Good times.

Anyway, he asked me about wanting to go back to school to get his Master's degree, thinking he could work for a bigger company if he had a diploma from the US instead of just from Colombia. Personally, I think it's bullshit his diploma isn't as accepted here. I mean, mathmatics in the same in every language and country right? I also imagine Physics is the same. Sooooo is an Engineering degree from Colombia THAT different from one from here? Pfft! Whatever people! He seemed to really want my input and, of course, I was positive about it because it seemed very important to him to have an American diploma AND because he has ambition to do more that what he is currently doing. Plus, you guys know I'm all about education.  

We talked, laughed, drank coffee, ate, walked, hugged, held hands, kissed and generally had a wonderful time. His assessment of me? I'm pleasant to spend time with, nice, sweet, easy going, understanding, cute, funny, smart, fun, optimistic, flexible, relaxing...and that's pretty much where he stopped. I think that's a damn fine list. (especially since, from what I gather, D's mom is the exact opposite of all of that. OK, I'm betting she's pretty, but I've never seen a pic or anything of her.)

What do you guys think? Is that what becomes a girl friend, or would if I didn't live 3 hours away? I guess we shall see... 

Group Date

So the last time I uttered the question, "The kids and I are going to ____, why don't you come with us" to a guy there was a deafening simlence that followed and a few days later he bolted! Seriosuly, he really did. No call. No text. No return texts. No FB chat. NOTHING. Whatever.

So, the other day when I made the comment, "Since you ahve to work on Saturday and you don't have a sitter on Sunday, what do you think about all of us getting together-the whole crew?"

Now, I would be lying if I said I wasn't completely naucious as soon as I realized what I had just said because of previous experience. Granted the last guy didn't have kids and MAT does, but that doens't mean he'd be all Woo Hoo about hanging out with my kiddies. 

His reaction? "That sounds great!" And he means it! I did asl him if it made him uncomfortable and I swear I heard the confused look on his face as he typed (yep, we were chatting), "No. We have kids, so it's a natural thing for us to do something together with our kids." So...he and I are having a group date on Sunday....me, him, Tristan, Caitlin, and Diego.

I'm both excited and a bit nervous. What if my kids are terrible and behave like wild animals? What if Diego just hates me? (Not that I've ever met a 2 year old that didn't like, but but you never know.) What if lots of things...

Not that I've ever been in this position, but I'm thinking it's kind of a big deal for two people who have kids and like one another to get together with thier kids. It feels like a big deal.

This is what happens when I can't sleep...

I will regret this in the morning without a doubt. While my red, unfocused eyes stare blankly at my bouncing children I will think back on how I was not able to sleep and seriously regret not forcing myself to sleep.

Perhaps my mind keeps drifting forward a day to my first day of work where I will know no one....and I have to do a district inservice to boot. And, did I mention that said inservice is at the high school where I accepted a job and then was told I couldn't accept the job and felt like I had done something very wrong? Yeah, that one. Now, be sure to understand that I am not responsible and was never thought to have done anything wrong at all, but I hate all forms of conflict and two principals fighting over me smacks of conflict in my book. Just saying...

However, my mind could be racing over the thought that it is time for classes to resume at JC and I have not received an email or a call offering me a class. Umm, ok, so they do not even reopen until tomorrow, but that is decidedly beside the point! I want to know if I have an extra job, by God. Why do people never do things on MY time clock? Again...just saying...

Maybe my brain keeps replaying clips of phone conversations and emails and actual face-to-face dialogue between me and my MAT. (If he calls me "my Jamie," I'm thinking he can be mine too.) He's very curious about what everyone is saying about him, especially since I have actually mentioned him by name on a FB status, and I do not have the heart to tell him that I only refer to him as a nameless "date" on a blog and do not speak of him outloud otherwise. I'm just not sure he would understand that to say it out loud to those around me makes it real and therefore something that can crush me if/when it ends.

I know in some level he would because he was hurt deeply by his ex, but I can see none of that on his face-ever. Each time we are together, either in person or on the phone or online, he is fully there, ya know.  No holding back, no games, no subterfuge-just him and his honesty. Now he flirts...Lord does that man flirt...and Lord, bless my soul, is he ever good at it...but it feels differently than what I'm used to. I'm used to blatant flirting that is heavily laced with innuendo and propositions, but his is....well, honest and straightforward. Open. There is affection without overt references to sex being bandied about; there are only terms of endearment and questions about my day and plans and occasional "kiss" thrown in for good measure. In fact, the only thing remotely racy about our conversations is the increasing number of times the word "kiss" is thrown around. (Hell, he even says "kiss" before he gets off the phone with me.)  And I am sitting here feeling nervous because I have no words to describe what this feels like and I'm trying desperately to play it off and grown up because it's not like I'm a stupid teenager (although, I know you all probably don't believe it after all the crushes I've had in the past year) and can afford to be so flippant with thoughts and ideas.

While I know that whatever happens I will survive and move on, just as have before and will again, but I'm actually more afraid of getting used to this kind of treatment and always being disappointed if I never receive it again. I actually started to ask him if he was interested in a thing that's happening next month and stopped myself with the thought, "Really, Jamie. You want to ask him about next month. Ya assuming a lot aren't you?" 

This is after knowing that he already said he will run my first 5K with me in May, but I have a hard time counting on that.  It's not that I do not believe him; it's just that it boggles my damn mind. Seriously, guys, why. I mean I met him in November and started emailing and talking on the phone. We had our first date the saturday before Christmas. We just had our third date (AND we all know from past posts that I seem to have a shelf life of around 6 weeks or 3ish dates. Not sure why, but that has been the trend.) and I think I'm waiting for the shoe to drop and each day it doesn't I'm not sure whether to breath a sigh of relief and do a happy dance or just keep my fingers crossed.

I know...I know..I'm thinking WAY too much about all of this shit and I should give it a rest, get some sleep and just relax...easy for you to say, Paco. You don't have to worry about the weird fluttery feeling you get thinking about some really sweet and extremely handsome man with excellent hands and very, very muscled abs(Oh yes, hand on chest..zero fat, pudge, anything...just very hard, solid muscle. Whoa...) And how the more excited you get when his name pops up on the phone or online the more nervous you get and how stupid it all sounds-even when it's just said in your own head. I mean, Hallmark doesn't make a "I like you and it scares the mortal hell out of me because I just can't think of any reason why I should get to keep you even tough I have no idea why I'd even have a single thought about keeping anyone this soon after us meeting" card. Good God I'm nurotic tonight..

SEE!!!

This is what happens when I can't sleep!!! I toss. I turn. I starting thinking and then I can't turn my fucking brain off!! Holy hell!!  I'm fucking going to bed....

PS-Just to let you guys know, i'm pretty sure this all spurred from the possibility of us going a group outing this weekend. Me and my two & him and his one. I keep thinking that either sometime this week (in a panic of "OMG her kids that might be too serious") or next week (in a panic of "OMG her kids are wild and I can't deal") the death knell will sound and that will be all she wrote...sigh.......damn, I really AM going to bed this time.

New Year's Day - 1/1/11 Rocks!

I have successfully spent a New Year's Day in a total state of bliss! Now, I know I am prone to exaggeration, but I'm really NOT this time. It was a fanfuckingtastic day!

I woke up with my babies curled up around me.. nice.

They watched PBS while I took a shower and started getting dressed...very nice.

Although it rained on my drive to meet MAT, had a cup of coffee with me and plenty of time to get there...not bad.

I was early and found us a nice corner booth in W.H. and had, yet another cup of coffee, while I waited...excellent.

He walked in shaking off water from him head and immediately broke into a huge smile as soon as he saw me...most excellent.

Walked over and promptly dropped the first of many kisses on my lips and grabbed my hands from across the table...sigh

Because of the rain, our original plan was ruined so we went bowling instead...cute (Yep, this girl went bowling. Good grief, I hadn't been bowling since I still lived in Phoenix and have refused to go since then...I busted my ass and had the freaking bruise to show for it, for like, 6 months. Shitty!)

He won a game and then I won a game. Damn, that was some super fun bowling! Seriously. Of course, anything is fun when you are trying your best to distract the other person in the name of being "supportive"...amazing!

Then we played 2 games of pool...fabulous! (Again, I have not played pool since whatshisname because he took that shit so seriously that I was bored, pretty much, every time; however, how could I get bored with so much attention and affection being lavished on me? YES, I said lavished!! swoon)

Long story short (too late!) we had a wonderful time. We talked,  laughed, held hands, and, well, kissed from the time he walked in the restaurant until I closed the door of my van to drive back to D's house.

My drive back to MS was dry and the kids slept the whole way, which was good because my mind kept wandering just a skosh. To be perfectly honest, I can't even begin to tell you guys what I was thinking the entire time we were together because I'm just not sure I have the appropriate vocabulary. Lie...I HAVE the vocabulary, but even I can't say some things out loud. Whoa...

On the whole the only thing that sucked about the entire day was saying goodbye to my sexy soccer player. I really love 2011 right now...

Thoughts and Things

Ya know, I was trying to remember this time last year and it seems so long ago, so far removed from who I am and where I am, that I absolutely do not remember. I know I was moving, but I can't remember what I did for New Year's Eve or anything. Well, not true...I remember thinking it was the first New Year's day in YEARS that I didn't cry at all; however, other than that, I got nothing. Do you know what I'm doing this year?


This year I'm hanging out with my bestie D on the Eve and spending New Year's Day afternoon with MAT, my beautiful, sweet, sexy, Colombian soccer player. Now that's a weekend to remember.


Now, I will pause here and tell you all that I'm more nervous about this particular date than I was about the first one because it will be date number 3...and we all know what happens on date number 3... I get dumped soon after. sigh.  However, I'm trying to be optimistic by looking at things that caused the big D before that are very different with sweet MAT:

• He is not afraid of my children. now this is pretty funny because a guy friend of mine giggled when I said the last few guys were "afraid of my children" and replied, "Don't they realize they are still small; I mean, I'm pretty sure they could take 'em." However, because MAT has a son and plays the role of single Dad at least half the week, he is totally at ease with the idea of my kiddies. In fact, he always asks about them and remembers little things I've said about them. It's pretty cool to share anecdotes about our children when we talk. It's just another thing that makes him sweet. Plus, let's all be honest, the whole Good Daddy thing is super hot!
• He is never "too busy" or at least seemingly so. For example, he checked on our progress home from Atlanta yesterday on several different occasions, just to make sure we were still safe. Today he texed me on a break and when I didn't reply her popped on FB just to say "hi" and see how my day was going. There were times with the other fellas I dated that it seemed almost a bother to send the "made it home safe" text. He just always seems happy to hear from me. Call me crazy, but I appreciate that. I guess what seemed "needy" to white guys is normal to Latin men.
• I think I am also a bit different with him. I have been uncharacteristically and bluntly honest about everything on my mind since the first time we met and began emailing because I didn't think he'd ever actually ask me out. True story, never thought it was a possibility. Why? Well, experience had taught me that 2 kids are at least one, but probably 2 more than more guys can handle. Plus, he's younger than me, not crazy younger than me, but three years that would be significant for most people. (He's only 30.) And then there's the whole thing with him being all beautiful and sexy and stuff. Yep, didn't think we'd get to a first date let alone a third. Nothing really to lose by begin yourself if you don't think it's going to happen anyway.

We are still trying to decide what exactly we will do on Saturday, but he did say that "us being together and seeing each other is what is important."

Whoa! Shall we all swoon together?

So...next topic of randomness...I need new hair. Ok, so not actually NEW hair, just something done to mine to give it a bit of something. It's kinda blah and I don't feel like being blah.

I'm definitely thinking layers and bangs. (I must admit to feeling a bit of tightness at the idea of doing that because my first thought was, "Omg, I wonder if MAT would hate it." What? I'm a freaking girl OK; so, there will be times when I actually act all girly. I AM going to do it anyway.)

I think that's all the randomness I can spill, but I'm sure there will be something later...

Admitting the Obvious

Ok, So if you are reading this you probably read yesterday's post about my lovely afternoon. Well, I ended the day by chatting with him and him telling me that although I will be in Atlanta and he will be in Florida for Christmas, he will be thinking of me. Actually, the direct quote really was, "Wherever I am I will be thinking of you," because a few different friends have invited him over for Christmas festivities. 

Now, my normal modus operandi is to simply say thank you or something lame like that because, well, because I tend to feel a snatch of fear in the face of admitting something as vulnerable as "I'll be thinking of you too." You guys must admit that my previous experience has taught me that it is a skosh dangerous to be so forthcoming about my actual feelings. That being said, I bit the bullet and did tell him that I would think of him as well. Does this mean that I'm feeling all brave and shit? Nope. In fact, I must admit to the following:

Am I pretty sure that I do like him? Yep.




Am I waiting of the other shoe to drop and him suddenly either disappear or stop liking me? Yep.

Am I in constant wonder as to why this guy seems to like me? Yep.

Am I thinking that the 3 hour difference will soon become a deal and the "motivation" may wane? Yep.

Am I trying not to think about the inevitable and just enjoy everything as it comes to me? Yep.

Am I finding it difficult? Yep.


I mean, it's not as though you guys haven't read about numerous crushes I've had over this past year that have all ended in nothing. However, I have been using The Happiness Project Toolbox to determine resolutions for this coming year and found a wonderful group resolution to take advantage of:

I hereby resolve to let go of everything that I do not wish to see in 2011. This includes old hurts, old pain, anything I have outgrown, anything no longer useful, anything limiting, any aspect of myself I am no longer interested in being, etc.


Maybe this will help me be brave and optimistic.

Guess we shall all see how this plays out...

Afternoon Happiness

So, let me just tell you, guys!! I had the most wonderful afternoon! Truly, I did! 

What happened you ask?


Well................................................

I met my sweet, beautiful, Colombian soccer player (henceforth known as MAT because, well, those are his initials.) in Mobile today at Starbucks. A coffee on the patio while we laughed and talked (and he held my hand) set the tone quite well. Yep, you read that correctly; as soon as we saw one another and hugged, he immediately slipped my hand to the inside crook of his arm, covering it with the other. (Totally swoon-worthy!)

Now this may not seem wondrously interesting to most, but as someone who has always craved touch, yet have never dated a man who shared that, it was a huge deal. I mean, I've had the constant gropers and the "Oh look we are alone" grabbers, but never, never have I had a man who could simply drape his arm around my shoulder as a gesture of affection or hold my hand without a single thought as to place, people, or appropriateness. Plus, it was touch that was affection for the sake of affection and not overtly sexual. (Not that there was no chemistry or slight undertone, but it wasn't touch meant to just be about sex. That was nice. Affection just to show care not just an avenue to get laid.)

And I must admit that because of that I have always been a bit timid, but I never gave it a second though to throw my arm around his waist and hug him back or reach backwards for his hand when the passageway was narrow and I had to walk ahead of him. It was as though I had been doing that for years.  I also haven't dated a guy who was as animated as me-hand and face.

I did find out juicy tidbits today....it is not a stereotype to assume that as a Colombian he loves coffee (when I asked the question he smiled and said, "Of course I love coffee; I'm Colombian."), he gets moody when hungry, almost always drives the speed limit (Except today, he got a speeding ticket on his way to Mobile. His first ever!), he likes to play with Diego's toys, and he thinks it would be interesting to live in Atlanta (However, I'm not sure he can just pick up and move since his company sponsor's his visa to live here. I don't really know how all that works.).

Didn't I tell you guys he was my Colombian soccer player? Yep, wasn't kidding. He really is from Colombia-like his whole life and his family still lives there. NOTE- He did ask me if I thought I'd enjoy or have a problem with visiting Colombia. Just saying. I know he is just ticking off random questions that might become an issue if this continues, but it still denotes the thought of future. Personally, I think it would rock! However, I like to travel to new places.

Oh, I also learned that bullshit you read in romance novels about a "smouldering" look can actually be accomplished by a Latin man. If it can be accomplished by anyone else I've never seen it, but I've seen attempts-laughable attempts. MAT can smile and then focus his eyes in a way that is just tingle central. Seriously, you can damn near feels what he's thinking. :) 

Anyway, when it was time to go, he drove me to my car and kissed me several times before I went to my car and began my trek home. or should I say...my smiley trek home.

Yep, I smiled all the way home.

It really was the kind of day that definitely makes all other things seem wonderful.

To be continued...

Be Still my Heart

I received the most exciting phone call today...



You guys will SO never guess!!!


My beautiful, sexy, Colombian soccer player called and asked if he could dive down one day this week and see me.


Yep, he is going to drive almost 3 hours to come see little, ole me.

And he's all anxious and excited. (giggle)

Why?

I have no freaking clue.  


However, I refuse to think all negativly and wonder "Why in the world does this man want to spend time with me?" (even if I have seen pictures of his ex on FB and , let me just say that she was beautiful.)

Instead I will just enjoy the time we spend together and embrace the NOW of it all.

• I'm pretty excited that he's excited.
•  
• I'm pretty excited he wants to see me again.
•  
• I'm pretty excited that he's willing to drive all the way here to see me.

Ok, I'm just pretty excited...but not in a weird, crazy-girl, "I think this means we are destined to be together" kind of way.

More of a "Wow, he's really sweet and cute and precious and we really had fun last time" kind of feeling.

BTW, I won't even get into the crazy amounts of tingles that occurred with the sweet, (almost) chaste kiss he gave me. Whoa!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bellingrath Gardens

So, I was telling you guys earlier in the week that I had a date for Friday night, so since it's Saturday, I figured I'd update...

Yep, I did in fact have a date. Interesting fact, even in heels, I only come mid-chest to someone who is 6'6". Just saying. why is this important? Well, because BG is, in fact, 6'6".   And kudos for him that there were no short jokes thrown about-at least out loud.

He was very sweet. Great voice. Great smile. Soothing demeanor. And I'm always a fan of someone who doesn't mind a few silences - comfortable silences.

After meeting at the resraunt where we would eventually have dinner, we wandered through Belligrath. We chatted a bit, made both appropriate and inappropriate jokes about people and the scenery (he likes to eavesdrop too; a major plus for me), and since he'd been there before he was a wonderful tour guide while I sipped hot chocolate and enjoyed his company. Now, I'm not saying there wasn't a bit of underlying tension because I can tell he is naturally as shy as I am, but we were both working through it and having a good time.

Ok, so I have to interject that when I slid into the passanger seat of his car I was instantly surrounded by the masculine smell of him, I did instantly feel warm and comfortable...and just a little tingly.

Anyway, after the gardens we had dinner and pleasant conversation. He smiles very well. I travels up to his eyes and lights up his face. He also mentioned another Christmasy thing that he enjoyed and was searching for...and double checked when I was leaving for Atlanta. Hummm, I think that means I'm going to be invited out again.  

Once dinner was over he walked me to my car, hugged me, and asked me to be careful.

I texted him to let him know I was home safe and sounds and he was glad I let him know and said he'd talk to me soon. 

I wonder how soon? 

It's Raining all Kinds of Good Things!!

Have a listen in my brain for a minute...

It's Raining Men!

Hallelujah!

It's Raining Men!

Amen!

It's Raining Jobs!

Hallelujah!

It's Raining Jobs!

Ame---------nnnn!

Why am I singing such a silly song and changing words? Because this whole past week it really is literally raining men and jobs.

Let me explain...

I applied for an Academic Tutor position at a Jr high and then got a call from the high school. I was offered both jobs and the principals were almost willing to fight over who got to have me. I'm SO not kidding. the Superintendent had to settle it and place me where HE thought I should go.

Am I concerned? Oh hell no! I'm just glad I have a job! and After a year and a half of not being the choice, it feels pretty damn awesome to be everyone's choice.

Now for the men...

Ok, so there is my sexy, Colombian soccer player. He is sweet and loves to shower me with compliments, which I'm a HUGE fan of. Seriously.

So, my email was given to another nice guy by a friend of mine and we have been communicating only through email for a week or so now. He just asked me out.  We haven't even had a phone conversation and he really feels like he wants to take me out. We are going to Bellingrath gardens to tour the lights and to dinner. How sweet! I'm pretty excited. I swear my palms started sweating just reading the email.

However, this leaves me to question the Universe...

Where in the hell has all of this been my whole damn life??

Is it possible to be grateful and question the reasoning at the same time? I'm serious, I would have loved to have various nice, sweet, handsome, complimentary guys vying for my attention, like, my whole life! What's up with all this? Here again, I'm totally grateful and appreciate the Universe leading me to this point, but it just feels strange.

I mean, I'm the same person I've always been, aren't I?  Arent' I?

What is the major difference that has all of this happening. Let's just examine this for a second...I have been out on dates with five different guys since August. August!! Five!

I didn't even date like that in college. I didn't even date like that in high school. I mean, I wanted to, but I was never asked out. Hell, I even asked Joe out for our first date! 

And I was thinner and younger and, well, thinner. Wild!!

Of course, I am more confident now. More together. I know who I am now and had no DAMN clue anytime before now.

I guess I just find it odd because I was once told by a guy I no longer really talk to that as a single mom I have to be less choosy and put up with more. That guys could actually end up with "quite a bargain" by dating a single mom.

(Gee, I wonder why I stopped talking to him...)

After that I realized that I'd rather be alone than have to settle for something that even remotely resembled what I had left. And, might I add,  I'd be just fine being alone.

Soooo does a complete lack of interest add to my mystique? Go figure.  I guess it worked for the whole job thing too.

When the excitment just isn't there.

Have you ever really wanted to get excited about something, but just couldn't work up the nerve? That's what I'm currently feeling right now.

You see, I have 2 interviews this week and although I really want to get all pumped and excited about, I'm feeling a bit underwhelmed. Ok, I won't bullshit you guys, I'm scared as hell to get excited because, let's face it, I haven't had the best of luck in the interview department. I mean-Really. Now, I have also already interviewed for a job at this same school...humm, it was about this time last year as a matter of fact.

Needless to say, I didn't get the job. And I should have. Although, maybe they realize that now. 

Maybe that's a leg up or perhaps it just makes me look desperate as hell. I guess looking desperate isn't SO bad because, again something to face guys, I am. 


I also have  date this weekend.  And this would be another area I haven't been having the best of luck in.  It's funny though, I wasn't ever a dater before. Seriously. I jut kinda fell into relationships and never really was the girl that went on dates and "played the field". I never questioned it because, while I think I'm pretty damn cute, I realize that I was not, am not, and never will be that girl that instantly gets noticed from across the room. It's ok and it's not from a lack of self esteem, I promise. I'm just Jamie and there's nothing so eye catching and fantastical that instantly attracts the whole idea of eyes meeting from across the crowded, smoky room. That's not how I roll and that's ok. I'm more of the cute girl that becomes a "wow" after a conversation or two. Yep, I'm personality attractive. (And it's always pissed me off that "She has a great personality translates to "she's not attractive".)

So, I find it confusing to be this serial dater now. I'm not kidding. I've gone on dates with 3 (this Sat will be guy 4) since August and only one has made it to date 3. One of them would have had schedules been more kind and he not freaked out about my kids, but that' snot my problem. (Actually, I think he's trying to maneuver another one, but I'm only going to bite if I see some serious motivation on his part- then I'll think about it.  But please no one think I'm holding my breath...no really.) 

Anyway, at least the guy this Saturday has a little boy so he understands the idea of time constraints and responsibility that comes with molding a little person's life. He's also "motivated" (his words not mine) to drive anywhere at anytime to spend time with me. Odd. I'm not even sure why I should think it's odd, but I swear it fills me with trepidation.  I feel like I should dig into his psyche and find the hidden reason. Maybe it's because I never gave anyone the chance to act that way towards me or maybe I just kept picking the guys that wouldn't. Humm, probably both.

I've always done for other people because I really don't expect anything done for me. How sad that I do not expect a fuss to be made over me, but let's face it, having never been a "squeaky wheel" I've never had an abundance of attention lavished on me. I've always been able to disappear into the background. Convenient, but not exactly the fodder of dreams, ya know.

I think I'm just in the "Meh, why the hell should I get excited about something that will potentially disapointing and probably not work out anyway" phase. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not feel depressed and, yes, I've been taking my meds, but I just can't motivate myself to get all giddy and excited about either interview or my date. Does this mena that my natual optomism is fading and a pessimistic realism is taking over? Ugh, I hope not. How depressing would that be?

Maybe I just need a vacation.  or maybe I just need SOMETHING to fucking work out-at least for a minute.

Just guessing...

I Stand Corrected

Do you how I have said over and over and over that I hate roses, especially red ones? Umm, I have to officially retract that statement.

While they will probably never be my favorite in the world, I received a red rose last night and it was undoubtedly the sweetest gesture I have ever witness on a first date.

I found myself both preening like a peacock and blushing furiously at the same time.

Most of the time when roses are presented it seems very contrived, and while it may be typical for him, it didn't feel like it. It felt like he actually wanted to make the effort to make me smile. I like that.

I guess roses aren't so bad after all.  

I'll Never Understand

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck....sigh damn.

So sorry, usually I give you guys a warning before I launch into a tirade, but I'm all about being honest. This is my honest right now.

Why is it that when a guy has a kid it's all wonderful and precious, but a girl has a kid it's scary? Huh? Why? I swear I will never in my whole damn life understand this stupid guy/dating shit. I mean wtf?!

You talk for hours and say they like you and then...nothing.

Or decide they aren't ready for "kids in my life" right now.

Ummm, did I mistakenly ask someone to marry me? Oh wait...NO. No, I didn't.

In fact, I haven't asked a goddamn person to take care of me or my kids because they are mine and mine ALONE.  (A fact I am very fucking aware of thankyouveryfuckingmuch.)

Now I believe the women who give away or hurt their children because the new men in their lives are lower than low-more deplorable than Hitler skinning a baby seal with an elephant tusk knife. However, after the handful of dates I've had in the past sixish months,  the complete hopelessness that crossed their weak little minds must have been numbing and overwhelming.

Sometimes it is for me, but I swallow it down. I get it out of my brain and my heart because I will not let it defeat me. I can't. 

But it does get me down sometimes times, guys. It really does.

And in case you didn't notice...today is one of those times.

Associations

So, here are just a few words that have been associated with me by a certain, very sweet someone...

• adorable (This has been said several times in conversation.)
• awesome (This was accompanied by an exclamation mark in a text message, thank you very much.)
• great
• cool
• funny

Just saying....I'm totally smiling right now (and blushing eeeever so slightly).

Interests and Dealbreakers

So, I started composing this in my head last night while driving home from Hattiesburg, home from my date with LC. I thought about how my life has changed evolved over the past decade. As a young 22 year old (I'm NOT 33 yet, people) I had a definitely LIST of what I wanted in a guy. Let me just tell you that this list was long, detailed, and definitely specific. Now, I was no different from any of my friends or any other girls I knew because we ALL had lists, but I had no idea where the LIST would lead-eventual disaster. Yep, the ex embodied the list. He met pretty much every singe requirement, even "Must be able to recite Shakespeare" and I thought I must be the luckiest girl ever. Now, when the world blew up on me I began to readjust my perspective. As I healed up I decided that the list did me wrong or maybe I just did the list wrong. Yeah, I did the list wrong.  Instead of concentrating on a list of random attributes I should have thought about things that would make life happier.

This being said, I have developed The Dealbreakers. There are not very many, but they are concrete, unchangable, and nonnegotiable.

1-Addictionless. I will never again subject myself to dealing with alcoholism or any other additction that takes away from me or my family.
2-Must love my babies and be willing to be an "instant dad" because my children have no other, and barely remember the "donor". (In fact, Cait doesn't at all. She thinks my dad is her dad.) 

Yep, that's it. No Shakespeare. No physical features. No specific personality traits. Just no addicts and love my babies. Why? Those are the things that are super important to me and were the issues that caused strife in my life and my former marriage.

That being said, I bet you guys want me to just get on with the discussion of my date yesterday. Well, it went a little something like this...

By the time I got to Hattiesburg, I really was thinking I'd have to pull over to throw up. I mean, I was chewing a piece of gum (Hey, I drank a lot of coffee during class, don't judge) and even my little piece of Big Red was making me gag. Yep, it was pretty bad. Thankfully, just being in the Burg relaxes me, so that's a big plus. I also found out a very significant thing about myself yesterday; I feel compelled to constantly reapply mascara when nervous.Ii think I had on at least 6 layers and the details of my eyelashes could be seen for at least a mile. Just saying.

Anyway, he arrived just before me and my first thought was, "Holy shit he's tall. Ooo I don't think I've ever seen a guys truck that clean in my life." (Don't you guys just love my inner monologue?! Such an insite to my random-ass psyche.) Since he was there first there was no final hair fluff or lipstick check (SO glad I reapplied at the last stop light) so I just got out of the car, took a deep breath, and walked over to him. I was right...he is seriously tall. Seriously, I had too look up at him and didn't even come up to his shoulder. (I realize that I'm pretty short at 5'3", but he's like 6'1". More about that later.)

I won't bore anyone with the details like he has really pretty eyes (A blue/grey that have an inner and outer ring of darker blue) that never left my face, even though I had on a V neck top. He might have peaked when my head was turned, but I never noticed. Call me crazy, but that's a sign of a polite and very disciplined guy.

I referred to him above as a guy, but actually, guy is the wrong word for him.  He's a man. A grown man. And as scary as that sounds to me, it was nice to be in the company of someone who was totally comfortable with himself and his life. He is every bit of who I saw yesterday and that was so new and relaxing.

I had a great time. I found myself smiling at the strangest moments-like the whole time. We laughed the entire time. When we sat next to one another it was toally natural for him to put his arm around me to play with my hair. I was every bit of who I naturally am-my opinions, my thoughts, my mannerisms, my voice where I would normally feel as though I should shift or alter myself to present the "best face" (see earlier post She's Shifty for examples). He held my hand it felt as though it had always been there. He even continued to pay attention to me as he had to take a work call; we all know I'm a sucker for attention.

I felt important. But most importantly...

I never felt anxious, which you guys know is almost crazy talk. In fact, it continued on the way home because I had no wild, nervous energy to work off or think out. I simply drove home and spoke to him occasionally as he checked up on me at random intervals.

He texted me this morning to tell me he had a great time and I was "awesome", plus making usre I'd had a nice time. 

I'd say it a good sign....

This week

I know it's been a while since I last posted, but, in all honesty, I just have not known what to say. I mean there are so many random things going on my my little head that I haven't really been able to focus on any one thing at all.

Seriously, just as a "for example"...

• Tristan's finger decided to become infected again.
• I've been attempting to write little stories of a magazine, but finding it harder than expected.
• I think I've had a headache about every day. (But I think I've found the culprit for that one.)
• I've texted and talked on the phone with the nicest guy pretty much every day for the past few weeks. 
• The library keeps sending me books I put on hold not thinking everything would be ready at once.
•  I have 20 essays to grade each week from my ju-co class in addition to my Phoenix classes.

yep, you totally read that correctly. I have been talking on the phone like a silly teenager these past few weeks-giggling, flirting, talking, and occasionally listening to slience because I have no other idea what to say but just can't hang up the phone. Now, we haven't hit the 3 hour mark again like the first night because he is way too responsible to stay up until 1 in the morning every night, but we probably could.

So, I guess you could say that I've maintained complete distraction for a few weeks now, but I'm not complaining. I mean, I'm still losing weight-dropped another jeans size-but havinte even been able to get to the gym in weeks. *sigh*  I just keep hoping that I make it "tomorrow", whenever that is.

Oh, I've also been trying to figure out the perfect "date" outfit for Saturday. I think I'm so in trouble, but in every imaginable good way. We will just have to see.

Nothing Much

I really don't have much to say, but I did want to make sure you guys knew I was alive and well.

Ummmm.......................

In truth, I do have a date on saturday. Yep, it's someone new. Who knew that I would become a serial dater and flit from fella to fella. Crazy talk, right?! Anyway, this one is quite a bit different from the ones before. This one makes me nervous, where the other ones never did. It was alway slike "Oh, ok. So, it's a date." But it's not nerve-wraking in a bad, creepy, scary way; only in a good, butterfies in tummy way. (which is pretty scary.)

However, I will not say another word about it until it's over...But do feel free to wish me luck.