Afternoon Happiness

So, let me just tell you, guys!! I had the most wonderful afternoon! Truly, I did! 

What happened you ask?


Well................................................

I met my sweet, beautiful, Colombian soccer player (henceforth known as MAT because, well, those are his initials.) in Mobile today at Starbucks. A coffee on the patio while we laughed and talked (and he held my hand) set the tone quite well. Yep, you read that correctly; as soon as we saw one another and hugged, he immediately slipped my hand to the inside crook of his arm, covering it with the other. (Totally swoon-worthy!)

Now this may not seem wondrously interesting to most, but as someone who has always craved touch, yet have never dated a man who shared that, it was a huge deal. I mean, I've had the constant gropers and the "Oh look we are alone" grabbers, but never, never have I had a man who could simply drape his arm around my shoulder as a gesture of affection or hold my hand without a single thought as to place, people, or appropriateness. Plus, it was touch that was affection for the sake of affection and not overtly sexual. (Not that there was no chemistry or slight undertone, but it wasn't touch meant to just be about sex. That was nice. Affection just to show care not just an avenue to get laid.)

And I must admit that because of that I have always been a bit timid, but I never gave it a second though to throw my arm around his waist and hug him back or reach backwards for his hand when the passageway was narrow and I had to walk ahead of him. It was as though I had been doing that for years.  I also haven't dated a guy who was as animated as me-hand and face.

I did find out juicy tidbits today....it is not a stereotype to assume that as a Colombian he loves coffee (when I asked the question he smiled and said, "Of course I love coffee; I'm Colombian."), he gets moody when hungry, almost always drives the speed limit (Except today, he got a speeding ticket on his way to Mobile. His first ever!), he likes to play with Diego's toys, and he thinks it would be interesting to live in Atlanta (However, I'm not sure he can just pick up and move since his company sponsor's his visa to live here. I don't really know how all that works.).

Didn't I tell you guys he was my Colombian soccer player? Yep, wasn't kidding. He really is from Colombia-like his whole life and his family still lives there. NOTE- He did ask me if I thought I'd enjoy or have a problem with visiting Colombia. Just saying. I know he is just ticking off random questions that might become an issue if this continues, but it still denotes the thought of future. Personally, I think it would rock! However, I like to travel to new places.

Oh, I also learned that bullshit you read in romance novels about a "smouldering" look can actually be accomplished by a Latin man. If it can be accomplished by anyone else I've never seen it, but I've seen attempts-laughable attempts. MAT can smile and then focus his eyes in a way that is just tingle central. Seriously, you can damn near feels what he's thinking. :) 

Anyway, when it was time to go, he drove me to my car and kissed me several times before I went to my car and began my trek home. or should I say...my smiley trek home.

Yep, I smiled all the way home.

It really was the kind of day that definitely makes all other things seem wonderful.

To be continued...

Applications and Jobs

I can't even tell you guys how many freaking applications I've filed out, how many resumes I've sent out, or how many times I'm crossed my fucking fingers to get a job that I inevitably do not get.

Here's the thing...I have paid my own way since I was 21. Apartment. Car. Food. Incidentals. Everything. Now, my parents would throw a bit of gas money my way if I visited home for a random weekend  (Ok, so that's usually HOW they got me home-the promise of money. Don't judge; I worked all the time and had to be compensated.), but all-in-all I was self sufficient.  And while I would occasionally throw a pity party for myself when I'd go to work and miss out on something fun my friends, who weren't self-sufficient, were doing that night. it never lasted too long because even then I realized that it would pay off in the long run...and I was proud that I could take care of myself. 

THEN I married a man who was terrible with money. Terrible. Awful. Horrible. Total Suck! Y'all I didn't even know what a bounced check notification letter looked like until I married him. I think it took 6 months to see my first one. By the time I was given full run of the finances (Yep, the one that still must count on fingers to add and subtract was given full responsibility for all money. Nice huh?), not only were they in a shambles, but he had quit his job and moved to Phoenix to wait tables. Hence, he made almost zero money. I lived 3 hours away, busting my ass and trying to figure out a way to get hired at a school in Phoenix-and also trying to get HIM hired as a teacher in Phoenix, which he was totally uninterested in being for some reason. However, I somehow always made it work. No matter how much or how little, I always figured out how to make everything work. Now, I will admit that it mainly consisted of me doing without anything I wanted so everyone else could get spoiled (and God knows he had to have a 12 pack of beer every fucking night), but I truly thought of it as "doing what I had to do." I could do without and not fly into a total rage or having a nervous breakdown so I did. Did I complain? Occasionally, but it's not like it ever mattered.  I even got two extra gigs teaching adjunct classes online so I didn't have to work quite as hard making pennies stretch.

And can I ever make pennies stretch!!! Trust me...I'm good.

Anyway, this whole "waiting for a full time gig" while working two part time gigs is starting to wear thin. Thin I tell you! I miss the days of being self-sufficient. I miss the days of everything around me being mine. I miss not having to share and not feeling guilty if I don't feel like cleaning the kitchen.

I mean, I'm trying to keep positive and keep the belief that there is something out there for me and me alone and it will totally work out for me alive in my heart...but my friends, I'm being rubbed raw by my current adventures in limbo.

The only thing really getting me through is knowing my Pop understands the pride in my soul that screams and rages at its bonds each time I have to ask for help, or money, or anything at all. He understands because he is the one who molded the pride of my self sufficiency in me.

Perhaps it's just PMS that has gotten me going, but I talked to a guy on Monday that told me he'd contact me for an interview as soon as he was given all the applications and I still haven't gotten a phone call. I think I might can wait until Friday to call again (it would be call number 3 total), but I'm terrified of looking too desperate. (Now we all know I am, but does he really need to know?) 

I'm really just looking for a bit of good luck because I think the Good Luck Fairly lost my fucking address. If anyone sees her please send her to me...please.

Challenge

Ok, so I know I talked about the 50K in 50 days challenge a few months back. Umm, yeah, that totally didn't happen. I got about 12,000 good words in, but life, lack of motivation, fear and time got in the way.

Lame excuse?

Yep, but that can't be helped now. I still plan to finish but I'm giving myself a bit more time.

Why?

Because I think I might have found a way to kinda support myself or at least become well on my way to supporting myself with my writing.

How?

New Love Stories Magazine. That's right; you read it correctly. It's a magazine dedicated to love stories. Although it's not something that I would necessarily read, I plan to write and submit a few stories for publication. I'd only have to write a story between 2,800 to 3,750 words. I think I can certainly knock that out from idea all the way to editing in about a week.

I'll try to keep all of you guys posted on my progress this week, but for now I'm going to work on honing in on just one idea. Wish me luck....

Discovery of the Obvious

Today I had a job interview. This will be the sixth one I've had in the past year when it became obvious that needing a job was more than a necessity. Now, I've only gotten ONE of those jobs- my gig at Pearl River- but I had to leave it to move back to Goula because living on a part time teacher salary is harder than living on a full time teacher salary. Go figure, right?!

Anyway. I was super nervous because I would have to teach a 15 minute lesson in front of 5 teachers/administrators. now this may not sound like a big deal since I once taught 2 hour high school classes, but I've been out of the classroom for a while and had actually been thinking about leaving it permanently. To strike out in the world of jobs that pay more than peanuts so I can raise my babies without sweating about my sad, little, peanut paycheck.

However, I discovered today that I can't leave.

Like a moth inexplicable drawn to the flame they undoubtedly know will end them, so I am drawn to the classroom. As soon as I opened my mouth today, I fell into "teacher" mode and every bundle of nerves and butterfly vanished and I felt totally at home. I smiled, laughed, cajoled, talked, joked, and had a great time. In fact, I was almost sad when my 15 minutes were up. I had literally forgotten how much I really love teaching. (In truth the state test sucked a majority of my love out and I had to rebuild it. I didn't love it last summer.) But most importantly I had forgotten how damn good I am at it. In seconds all 5 adults were entertained and interested in what I was saying-not just because it was their job to evaluate me. It took less than 5 minutes after my presentation for them to discuss the fact that they loved me and thought I'd "be a perfect fit".

That's right, faithful few, they loved me! They want me. Now they have to see if they can give me full time or the half an hour drive to Mobile 3 days a week may not exactly worth it. Ahhh, the rub!

If nothing else it helped me remember that I really am a freaking, outdamnstanding teacher and I do want to be back into the classroom. Even if I don't go to work there, at least I know that teaching is still my passion and my calling. Score 1 for Team Jamie.

W, F, and G - Part 3

This book is kicking my butt! Seriously. For years I have felt these nameless feelings and never knew how to communicate them-how to give them a name. This thing has hit the proverbial nail on the head.

"Wanting what I wanted was not allowed. I needed to sacrifice, atone, make up for being myself."

"Diets are based on the unspoken fear that you are a madwoman, a food terrorists, lunatic. Eventually you will destroy all that you love and so you need to be stopped. The promise of a diet is not only that you will have a different body; it is that in having a different body, you will have a different life. If you hate yourself enough, you will love yourself. If you torture yourself enough, you will become a peaceful, relaxed person."

Luckily, it didn't hurt for long. It was just a little prick and then...calm. Actual calm.

I closed my eyes last night and drifted to sleep without a single ounce of stress or "Ican'tturnmybrainoff" tossing and turning. It was freaking great.

Who knew I could ever stop feeling bad and ashamed for being me...

I think it might just be possible. God, I hope so cause I'm pretty tired of it.

Taking Responsibility

It's been a year now. A year since my marriage ended and time that I identify and take responsibility for my role in what was a "pretty on the outside and ugly on the inside" marriage.

Don't get me wrong, I certainly don't think I caused this, but I do not think I necessarily helped either. You see I had a list. Yep, a list of things that would make a good boyfriend/husband. I thought I had hit some sort of weird jackpot because he met every requirement on that list; in addition to that, he met lists that weren't on the list also. I used my head...checked off my list and pushed in my chips. Done.

What I didn't do was hand over the keys to me. I held back a small piece of myself that, truthfully, I've hidden from everyone. hell, I'd almost forgotten it was there until recently.  So, while I was throwing every once of attention, support, and loyalty into my marriage I ultimately left out two major things...love and trust. Why? Well, suffice it to say, I never really intended anyone to get them. They are messy and more likely than not, will end up exploding in your face. I thought I was safer to keep part of myself back. (Gee, no wonder I was so ecstatically happy all the time.) No shit, I thought him loving me as much as he did would be enough to carry me through life. I didn't believe in fairy tales...they just didn't happen to girls like me.

Strangely enough, as most chicks in my situation, the divorced-single Mom favor, as anti-fairy tale- No longer believing in love or anything resembling it. Me? I finally do.

Isn't that both fucked up and hilarious?!

Just when I should be raging against love, I finally think I'd like to try it. Why? I feel like I was saved from my life because something better was planned for me. I guess I prayed hard enough to God, The Universe, and every other Deity in the world that they collectively decided to give me what I least expected...happiness.

Now, I have found this happiness and love? Nope. Will I find this happiness and love? Truthfully, I don't know. I think I will, but I now know that nothing is certain in life. However, I think the greatest gift I've been given is the  realization that I short-changed myself and my ex-husband, and for that I am sorry. But I have the opportunity to make it up to myself and actually be willing to accept and give love. Will I go searching under every rock until I come find it? Will I create a page long list of requirements that this imaginary man must reach? Nope. I'm good. I did that the last time remember? I have totally learned my lesson.

Love will come to me when it does. When I have made my peace with myself, with my life, with those around me, with The Universe. How do I know this?

Because I deserve it AND because I now believe in fairy tales.

And I'm proud to say that that is the first time I have EVER been able to say that in my entire life.

The Past Year

Today is May 17th.

In two days, it will be May 19th.

Three Hundred and Sixty-Three days since "that day".

Since that day was so amazingly life changing, I thought I'd reflect on just what these past 363 days have done both TO me and FOR me. 

• It tested my skills as a Mother. Before I have loads of help and support, even if that was just because I was always told I wasn't a very good mother, but the fact remains that I flitted through the first years of my children's lives with minimal fuss or muss and always had the opportunity to "pass off" any disagreeable jobs. Now I have me. Don't get me wrong, when I'm at the end of my rope my parents are right there to boost me back up, but it's still just me. While my kids are fairly well behaved (most days), they are not always angels or quiet or still. However, they say "ma'am" and "sir" and I think that is something special. The rest is nothing that will make them delinquents later in life, so I'm OK with my wild youngins.
• It helped me reestablish Jamie. I didn't realize I had lost her until I no longer had another person demanding I devote every spare second of thought and molecule of energy on him. The first time someone made me laugh I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I'd had a reason to laugh let alone just let loose and laughed. I had been SO wound up in trying desperately try to fix what I knew was broken and dying-just so focused in trying to make HIM happy somehow-that I forgot that MY feelings and MY happiness were never even considered. I dressed how HE wanted me to dress. Did my hair how HE preferred it done. Cooked what HE liked to eat. Went places that HE wanted to go (For any unaware, those are only places that serve beer, which is why I haven't been to the movies in years.) I deferred everything him because he was the one that was emotionally erratic and seemly dissatisfied with anything involving being an adult. (home, family, responsibility, job, etc.) MY wants, needs, desires, feelings, thoughts, opinions, likes, dislikes, tastes were pushed aside by me, at the same time they were deemed unimportant by him.  SO, these past 363 days I have gotten to unpack my wants, needs, desires, feelings, thoughts, opinions, likes, dislikes, tastes and dust them off from seven years of disuse. It's been eye-opening to spend bits of time rustling through all of it; I really am nothing now like the person I was then. I feel I should reintroduce myself to those who only know me from that time. Hell, no wonder I was "encouraged" to not see or contact my old friends or family members. You guys, wouldn't have recognized me! I was kinda like the Zombie version of Jamie or submissive Barbie Jamie. NO good! The BIGGEST thing I've found I like...is ME!!!
• It allowed me the opportunity to re find my dreams. Once upon a time I wrote silly stories and poems as they popped into my brain. I've always referred to it as an itchy feeling in my brain and the only relief I get from that feeling is to write out the itch. (I really thought I was crazy until my Dad told me the the exact same thing happens to him-down to describing it as an itch. Wild.) I even remember writing "Write a novel" on my 25 Things to Do list I made in Mrs. Ladner's Oral Communications class my Senior year. Unfortunately, I married someone who people thought was creative, but wasn't. In fact, he was always jealous of it. Between that jealousy and my personal deprivation, my itches gradually dwindled into oblivion. Gone. Nada. Nothing. I wanted them, but could not conjure up the simplest idea, let alone flesh anything out. I felt empty-drained of what I can only describe as a twinkle.  Strangely enough, when the initial haze of disbelief cleared it all came back to me. And let me just say, it freaking FLOODED my brain. I started this blog to help with the overflow of ideas, but I think there are no less than nine different folders on my computers containing, what I believe are good idea and snippets of research. Now I'm just wondering how I will ever get everything written with all the free time I have...buahahahahahaha. I'm just glad to have it back.
• It brought me back into the fold of my family and friends. You see, he wasn't a fan of anyone HE didn't personally bring into our circle of friends. If they were my friends first there was always something wrong with them. Except my Theta Sisters, he knew better than to talk shit about them; it was just friends I tried to make after we were married. this past year has definitely taught me who my real friends are and who really loves me. I mean, actions speak louder than words and I got the intended message loud and clear from a few I thought were buddies of mine.

I think the most important lesson I've learned is that I am way more capable, talented, beautiful, intelligent, and amazing than I thought I could ever be...and All I really did to accomplish it was get shed of a husband. Who knew?!