Random thoughts and musings of a single Mom striving to follow dreams and find pure BLISS.

Applications and Jobs

I can't even tell you guys how many freaking applications I've filed out, how many resumes I've sent out, or how many times I'm crossed my fucking fingers to get a job that I inevitably do not get.

Here's the thing...I have paid my own way since I was 21. Apartment. Car. Food. Incidentals. Everything. Now, my parents would throw a bit of gas money my way if I visited home for a random weekend  (Ok, so that's usually HOW they got me home-the promise of money. Don't judge; I worked all the time and had to be compensated.), but all-in-all I was self sufficient.  And while I would occasionally throw a pity party for myself when I'd go to work and miss out on something fun my friends, who weren't self-sufficient, were doing that night. it never lasted too long because even then I realized that it would pay off in the long run...and I was proud that I could take care of myself. 

THEN I married a man who was terrible with money. Terrible. Awful. Horrible. Total Suck! Y'all I didn't even know what a bounced check notification letter looked like until I married him. I think it took 6 months to see my first one. By the time I was given full run of the finances (Yep, the one that still must count on fingers to add and subtract was given full responsibility for all money. Nice huh?), not only were they in a shambles, but he had quit his job and moved to Phoenix to wait tables. Hence, he made almost zero money. I lived 3 hours away, busting my ass and trying to figure out a way to get hired at a school in Phoenix-and also trying to get HIM hired as a teacher in Phoenix, which he was totally uninterested in being for some reason. However, I somehow always made it work. No matter how much or how little, I always figured out how to make everything work. Now, I will admit that it mainly consisted of me doing without anything I wanted so everyone else could get spoiled (and God knows he had to have a 12 pack of beer every fucking night), but I truly thought of it as "doing what I had to do." I could do without and not fly into a total rage or having a nervous breakdown so I did. Did I complain? Occasionally, but it's not like it ever mattered.  I even got two extra gigs teaching adjunct classes online so I didn't have to work quite as hard making pennies stretch.

And can I ever make pennies stretch!!! Trust me...I'm good.

Anyway, this whole "waiting for a full time gig" while working two part time gigs is starting to wear thin. Thin I tell you! I miss the days of being self-sufficient. I miss the days of everything around me being mine. I miss not having to share and not feeling guilty if I don't feel like cleaning the kitchen.

I mean, I'm trying to keep positive and keep the belief that there is something out there for me and me alone and it will totally work out for me alive in my heart...but my friends, I'm being rubbed raw by my current adventures in limbo.

The only thing really getting me through is knowing my Pop understands the pride in my soul that screams and rages at its bonds each time I have to ask for help, or money, or anything at all. He understands because he is the one who molded the pride of my self sufficiency in me.

Perhaps it's just PMS that has gotten me going, but I talked to a guy on Monday that told me he'd contact me for an interview as soon as he was given all the applications and I still haven't gotten a phone call. I think I might can wait until Friday to call again (it would be call number 3 total), but I'm terrified of looking too desperate. (Now we all know I am, but does he really need to know?) 

I'm really just looking for a bit of good luck because I think the Good Luck Fairly lost my fucking address. If anyone sees her please send her to me...please.

1 comment:

  1. Life sucks.
    Whether it be what you are going through or what I am or what they are, it just plain sucks.
    Keep swimming.
    AND use this time to do what you thought you couldn't or wouldn't.
    I actually "lost" my job when I got pregnant with my first b/c they wouldn't let me do work from home or change my hours. I said peace out and eventually started working from home with my own business. It was always something I dreamed, but never tried to do. Now it works.

    PS. If you ever respond to my comments you can simply reply in your email, it should come straight to mine (guilty for not coming back here and checking to see if you responded).


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