Thanks

Night before last last I laid in bed and cried.


Now...before you guys get all up in arms...especially those related to me, you should know know they were happy tears.


I cried because my sweet husband held me in his arms and asked me why I never gave myself any credit for being smart or pretty or wonderful.


He held in in the darkness as he told me how important I was and how much I was worth not only to him, but to our family.


Trust me, I didn't cry even a quarter of what I wanted to; however, I let silent tears roll down my cheeks wishing I could bury my face in the pillow and release all the poison that had been built up in my system for so long-all the negative thoughts, ideas, and comments that rattle inside my brain. Instead I allowed my slow tears and my bursting heart to purge the negativity.


I'm not sure I've really thanked God properly for my husband...but I did that night. I sure did!

Time of a Change

So, I just realized that I have to change this whole blog thing. Why? Umm, because I'm staring down the barrel of not being a single mom anymore. In fact, since we've been happily tucked away in MAT's house in Florida since schol let out, I'd pretty much say that I'm definitely NOT a single mom anymore.

That and we picked up our wedding rings on Saturday.

Yep, I said it.

Wedding rings...CHECK!



I'll save the story of the rings for another day, but suffice it to say that I learned a whole lot about myself and his regaurd for me during our shopping jaunt. Things I thought I had moved past, but obvioulsy not. Nothing bad, mind you, but certainly things that I should work on within myself-Or more that I should work on within myself, rather. 

Now, if you forgive me, I must change my general description for this sucker.

Long, Wild, Crazy Ride

I realized a few minutes ago that, while today has a special significance for being Father's Day, it also bares a slightly stronger significance for my own life...two years ago today I though my world was completely over.

I thought there was no way I would ever recover from the feeling of betrayal that enveloped me like a large woman crushing me against her chest-hot, suffacating, and wholey unwelcome. 

 I never thought to ever have another Father's Day go by without acutly feeling what I had lost for my children, namely a Father of their very own. Yes, I said what I had lost them.

You see, although I had been miserable for longer than I dare even admit, I felt it was my duty to my children to keep the family together because it was not their fault that I was unhappy. He seems contented enough and the children were happy enough. I accepted that obviously it was just my own problem that I was desperately unhappy and unsatisfied with my lot in life. Why should I shake up my babies' lives for soemthing that was purely me?

After the insident in question, I spent some time contemplating how I was too blame for it. That obviously my dissatisfacion in my marriage caused me to become a sub-par wife and lead him down a path which lead directly to adultery...Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.  

I do, in fact, take respoinsibility for my failings in my first marriage, because I did certianly have some, but I no longer take total responsibility. I have not for some time actually. Thankfully.

However, it does color my current relationship some, as I'm sure MAT's failed relationship with his son's mom colors his time with me. Again, thankfully, it colors it in the best way possible because we have learned to appricate the good things and call out the questionsable things early.

While I have always felt blessed to have such a wonderful Dad, I can now say that my children are equally blessed becuase this man who has inherited the title to Dad takes it very seriously. He is everythig I could want in ta Father for them and loves them completely and eats up each time the call him "Dad" and each time they proudly use a Spanish word.

My world that so easily shattered two years ago, has risen like a Phoenix and it now as it should be...full of love, laughter, and family.

Me Worried?

I finally got the call I've been waiting for. The call that offers me an interview for a job in Florida.

Oh happy day!!!!!!!!!!!

Marco says he is officially taping his fingers crossed for me.

Now because he is desperate for me to have a job or thought I wouldn't get one, but because he knows I am willing and read to work any particular job to help our little (five isn't so little is it?) family and prefers that I get to actually DO what it is that I love and went to school to do. 

What a sweet man.

I can't wait to be in Florida again. I can't wait to sweat in the park while playing with my kids, dance around the kitchen while cooking dinner for my family, and curled up on the couch with the arms of the man I love wrapped around me and my head on his chest. It really IS the perfect way to spend an evening.

My favorite way to spend an evening...Or an afternoon...Or any time in between.

It's time to go home.

Living in Paradise

So last week I made the first portion of "the move" this past weekend.

It has been a week and I can safely say that I have never felt more relaxed, or at least I don't remember a time when I was more relax and comfy. I really tought there would be a big adjustment period or that perhaps he would change his mind after living with us.

As it turns out, he is even more amazing than I knew. Because of his calm nature and the fact he is a phenom Dad, my kids are sleeping in their beds each night without complaint AND taking naps each afternoon. (Who are these kids and where did mine go. I don't really want them back, I just want to keep tabs on the little critters.)

There have been so many times when I have fought bursting into tears. Not because I'm sad, but because I can't believe I am so lucky. My kids are curling up with him and calling him Daddy (or Popi thanks to Dora) and his son is calling me Mom. Just thinking about them all running around on the pitch running and kicking the soccer ball around brings tears to my eyes right now. It's so natural and so amazing...there are no words, guys. There just aren't.

Anyway, I have to admit that it's going so well, the dark part of my brain has begun to try to sabotage me. At night, as this beautiful man is cuddled up next to me, holding my hand in his sleep, it begins to whisper, "Are you kidding me? How can this man, who is so sweet and patient and caring (not to mention hawt!) actually be in love with you? Do you remember being married to the "good enough"guy that decided that sex with other people was perfectly ok? What are you thinking girl?!"

Now I am lucky enough to be able to discuss this with people who can smack the darkness out of my head and then there is the lightness I feel when I tell MAT my fears. Having gone through a nasty break up with D's mom he understands, but there is something about being Colombian that makes me take things in stride and not dwell on the darkness in life. Ok, it might be genetic, but I still think it might be cultural.

I am determined to take each day and appreciate the hell out of it. 

Happy Birthday Baby...

Today you are three.

I am overwhelemed by you every day, my sweet baby. Overwhelmed by your laugh and how you crinkle your nose like I do when you are being cute. 

How you make those facial expressions that are so me, but yet so you.  

How you are becoming a strong personality that I do worry will overpower me-until I remember how strong my personality is now that is.

How you amazingly decided to wear big girl panties just like we hadn't been trying to get you to go to the potty for months. You decided on youe own. So strong. So independant. So much of what I hope you continue to be.

But most of all, I am most overwhelmed when you are sleeping and I can still pretened you are my little baby...that I do not have to think about giving you up one day.

I am amazed at the little girl you have become and stand breatheless thinking of the person you will grow into.

I love you Cait! 

Announcements

First of all...Cait has gone the entire day without an accident. I'm so proud...and I'm glad to save money by not buying pull ups or diapers. 

especially since I got a "we can't ask you back because we don't have any money" letter today. 

In the middle of a class. 

In the middle of the day. 

Delivered by the secretary. 

Yeah, I was pretty well bummed until my wonderful Marco reminded me that everything will be fine because we will make sure it is. Oh and I was also reminded to breathe. 



I must admit to still being a bit "grrrr" until I realized that it was a sign from God that the decision I have recently made was the correct one and I am supposed to pack my bags and leave MS for good. 

What's my decision you ask? 




Sure you wanna know?




I'm getting married everyone. 


It's true. July 16th we will be married in a super small ceremony at a little bed and breakfast in Alabama. Only immediate family will be in attendance (and his mom and grandmother will also be flying in for it!) and it will be just perfect. 

However, if any of you want to send wedding gifts or money, please feel free.   :)    

I'd like to say I'm kidding, but I'm really not. I never look gifts in the mouth....ok, more about getting married later. I think I'll take a nap.  

Mi Amorcito

When I first saw this man back in October, I remember thinking that there was no way in hell he'd ever be actually interested in me. Just no damn way, people.  He's almost three years younger with three percent body fat and totally yummy. (I mean the accent alone, guys!) What in hell can I offer this man?!?!

Obviously a lot as it turns out because he has chosen me. Shut the Front DooR!!!

And better than that...he is all about me begin as girly as I absolutely want to be. In fact, he encourages me to get my nails done. I asked him if he thought it was a stupid expense and he replied, "Are you going to get them redone every 3 days?"

"Well, no; that's just silly."

"Then there is nothing wrong with you needing to get your nails done. It makes you feel good."

Sorry girls, he's all mine.

He is encouraging my weight loss and reminding me to eat (he used to check that I ate breakfast every day until it became a habit), but not because I'm big; because, "The kids and I need you around a long time, baby." I must say it's easy to eat well around him because he eats so well. Fruit, vegetables, rice, protien, smoothies...he likes good fod, but it isn't a NEED for him. Food fuels his body; it's not something he lives for.

Hummm...What a novel concept.

Actually, he asked me what I thought the other day because he was afraid he is getting too skinny. I told him that I would fatten him up soon enough with some good Southern cooking, but I wouldn't change a single thing about him. I have seriously never thought hip bones were sexy on a man until recently. Wow. Really.

Anyhoooooooo....

I feel myself blossoming under his light. I can remember once liking the feeling of being girly and feminine, but I stopped because it became passe'. I love the feeling of wearing dresses and feeling pretty...and I do. Where a majority of my life I always felt my weight (regardless of what I weighed) and felt awkward in pretty clothes because I didn't think I was pretty enough to wear pretty clothes.

For some reason I thought that pretty clothes highlighted my lack of pretty by drawing attention to myself instead of helping me become prettier. I know I'm not crazy and other people have felt the same way...right?

Now, as I stand beside him, I feel like the most beautiful girl in the room. Seriously. I do not notice who is prettier or skinnier or has a cuter outfit; I just focus on us and how good I feel around him. It's like the huge mountain of uncertainty disapears and I can finally relax into my skin. I have more fun. I smile more. I laugh more. I stress less. I fidget less. (This is HUGE in itself!) And all of these things are felt both with and without kids. I am as relaxed with all 3 kids as I am with just us 2. He just lets me be me and really loves it.

My cousin commented months ago that it was true love becasue I said I felt skinny around him. It's true. I do. I'm am never self conscious of my weight around him and when I've said I could wear something I've seen in a store window he has just looked at me oddly and said, "Why?" Like the fact that I'm probably around 70 pounds overweight has never really occured to him.

God, I love that Latin men like women with meat on their bones. Because while I may never lose all of this 70 pounds (even though I'm really trying and it's decreasing sssslllowllllyyyyyyy), he will still think I'm just as beautiful at a smaller size as he does right now. I mean...I'm going to get nothing but better!

Hell, I may be freaking impossible to live with by the time I lose a bit more weight. 


For example, I bought a dress on a whim. I thought it was pretty, but I would have NEVER even attempted to wear at any other time in my life...even when I was in college! But I bought this cute, lilac colored, strapless dress with ruffled tiers. (see below)

 I wore it out the other night with a little black shrug and wedge heels with black flowers onteh strapes and his eyes bugged out of his head. "Baby, this dress this dress!!! You look georgous!! Where did you get this dress!"

Don't ask me what anyone else was wearing that night. And don't bother asking his what anyone else was wearing because he proudly held onto me the entire night. I felt like a queen. I fetl like no one has ever made me feel before...I felt like my Pop finally wasn't full of total shit for the past 33 years...I felt beautiful.

Holy shit...I guess I am beautiful after all.  :)

Just a bit late

So, my first "blogaversary" has come and gone with absolutely no fanfare because, to be honest, I forgot. Oops!

I know that I have been absent for a very long time, but there has been SO much to tell that I had no way to actually tell any of you what is happening. Why?

Because I was afraid it would slip through my fingers before I actually had time to wrap my brain around it all. 

I reread my first post and I'm amazed at the changes that have happened in just one year. http://jamieccouncil-findingbliss.blogspot.com/2010/03/once-upon-time-there-was-little-girl.html

The biggest changes?

ONE: I'm happy. I'm happy when I wake up. I'm happy when I go to sleep. I'm happy when I have to fuss at my kids for not being "good listeners", which happens WAY too often. I'm happy every time in between. In fact, I can't remember the last time I cried and coming from a place where I cried at least once every single day for about two years (one before the fateful "event" and one year after) that is pretty freaking amazing.

TWO: I have fallen totally, completely, amazingly, stupidly, and fabulously in love. Yep. You heard it here. And even more than that, I can absolutely put my finger on the exact moment I knew it. I'll write more about that later, but let's just say it's pretty schmoopy and disgusting. :)  

But... I love him. My kids love him. I love his son. My kids love his son. He loves my kids. And most importantly, he loves me. It's amazing! It also makes me realize how wrong I was for settling for anything less than what this is and what this feels like.  Euphoria. Heaven. Breathing. I can't imagine what life is like without hearing his voice each day, without getting little notes and texts from him at random times, without feeling his arms around me when I finally see him. 

He doesn't create my happiness; he enhances my happiness by listening, supporting, and understanding (or at least trying to) everything I am. he doesn't want me to be anything differently than exactly what and who I am. Hell, guys, he even thinks my damn freckles are beautiful. What's not to freaking love?!

So what's next? Doesn't even matter because he and I will be together when it happens. He wants to marry me...and I can't think of a better way to spend the next 50 years of my life than staring into the eyes and cuddling into the arms of my beautiful Colombian soccer player.

I'm Baaaack...

I was told today that my poor cuz was so lost because I haven't blogged in a while...Sorry, Sunnie. This one's for you.

I know it's been a while since I showed up here, but I spent week before last so darn sick that I barely had the energy to crawl into bed each night. Then last week I was in some crazy funk that I just couldn't shake no matter what I tried.


I'm thinking it was probably just the aftermath of my wonderful, amazing, fabulous Valentine's with mi Marquito. I mean, ya spend 24 hours wrapped in the light and loving warmth of Cloud 8,422 and then  plunged into the cold reality of life, it tends to play havoc on your psyche. I'm just guessing people; I have no clue why I was in my head all week. (Not that I don't have several theories mind you.)


However, I did manage to belly crawl out by this past Sunday and MAT was very happy to hear the difference in my voice. I guess the lunch time phone calls I received Thursday and Friday were literally to check on me because he said the other night he was starting to get concerned because I was acting differently, "Not like my Jamie."


I need to pause here to tell all of you that being referred to as "my Jamie" or the newly minted "mi Jamiecita" is absolutely thrilling. He used that to start a text this afternoon and got so giddy and light headed that I got up and gave all my students in that class and piece of candy-just cause. That is what that man does to me...he just makes every moment seem like one to celebrate.


Anyway...Between gaining two pounds while being too sick to track my eating on WW the week before or the fabulous news that I have to have a "procedure" for an abnormal pap (lucky me) or the lack of sleep that comes from MJ being out of town and both kids crawling into bed with me each night, it just wasn't my week. Ok, it didn't help that I know I wasn't going to be able to see MAT that weekend either. I joked with him that I knew it was important for him to work since he spent so much money on our amazing Valentine dinner. He was busy. I was busy. It was a beautiful weekend and even though I spent the majority of it outside with the kiddies, I couldn't help but think it'd be even more fun with MAT and little D running around with us.

I am feeling better and today's flirty chats with Marquito certainly helped my day. Insert large smile and cleansing sigh here...

Valentine

Perhaps I am overly dramatic or fatalistic, but I swear at least once a week I expect to get the call, email, text, chat, or whatever that effectively ends this little cloud of giggly joy of mine. Yep, it still just seems impossible that this will continue because, let's face it, I really haven't had the best luck with guys ever. I'm guessing this is different because I didn't choose him, he started it so technically he chose me. That boggles my mind, guys. It just does and I promise, I really do have a moderately healthy self esteem...now.

Anyway, I had to ask a question that made me queasy, but I did it anyway. You see, I found this little gift that i knew I had to get for him, but first I needed to find out if it needed to be a Valentine's gift or a birthday gift. (His birthday is the 20th.) So, I asked what it should be for.

He replied that he'd "be happy if you'd be my Valentine." I swear my hands were shaky and sweating waiting for that reply. Did I think he'd be all, "Are you kidding, Hell no," or "That's a bit too much for me right now,"? Umm, yeah, actually I did. Hear again, I keep expecting the worst and getting pleasantly surprised.

Anyway, long story short (too late) I have a Valentine's date! He made reservations for us to take a cooking class where we make this fancy brunch with the help of a chef and then eat it. I've always wanted to do something like that! Isnt' it just the sweetest?! I'm gushing...I know. It's totally disgusting and I'd vomit myself if it weren't actually happening to me.

I think it is cute and sweet and all romantical. Like him...

Good Kinds of Trouble Brewing

Sooooooooooo, I have to share this basically because I want a written record that I have just had one of the three cutest, most disgustily sweet and nausiating conversations ever with my beautiful Colombian! (Conversations that I never thought I would ever had in my entire life, mind you.)

The first?
After a particularly sweet comment I giggled (I do a lot of giggling) and said, "Oh, you are so sweet." His reply? (I swear I am telling the truth; this is not a lie or a put on in any way even if it sounds like it!) "No, you are sweet." Me: "I dont' know you are awful sweet." Him: "You are sweeter."

If I'm lying I'm dying!

The next one of those was started over me saying he was cute. Swear to God (Thanks Uncle Sonny) he instantly said, "No, you are cute." And thus the "argument" begins...

What was today's about? Ummm, it was about who was more wonderful.

Isn't it just disgusting?

Do I love it?

Oh, you bet your sweet ass I do!

I'm enjoying every single second of it. I have even stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, I realize that it can at any second, but I'm pretty sure he'd give me a heads up AND I'm really enjoying the ride right now and plan to not get in my head too much about it.

Besides, a Theta sistah of mine, who is married to a beautiful Latin man herself, told me that from the sounds of it I should go ahead and start planning the wedding. Not that I will or anything because that'd be pretty creepy, but I do accept the fact that he does like me and does want to continue to develop things, even if we are 3 hours apart.

Me? Of course I do. I mean, how often does a girl get a text at 7:00 AM that says, "Good morning precious. have a great day."

Blowing My Mind

Ok, so there is this thing that has been absolutly killing me for the longest time....

United States 119

United Kingdom 8
Denmark 5
Germany 4
Slovenia 3
France 2
Hungary 1

Russia 1




That, my FF is the Audience form this past week. Here's what kills me: I have a sorority sister in France and I know 2 people who live in Germany, and, of course, the United States is just a given, but I am in awe over the people who are reading this thing. For real! Actually this has been a low week because there are usually people from China and various other places too.

To be perfectly onest I have no idea why anyone in the world other than my family and most sorority sisters would read my mindless ramblings and rants. Crazy! However, thanks guys!!!! Love ya!!!

Number Two in the list of things that blow my mind...my sweet MAT who calls just to see how my day is going, thinks it is sexy that I know what little Spanish I do. (I can only cuss and hold very short, simple conversations, but mainly cuss.), is excited to hang out with me and my kiddies tomorrow, and occasionally whines, "Why do you have to live so far away my beautiful Jamie?"  

Ahhhh my poor little fluttery heart....

Admitting the Obvious

Ok, So if you are reading this you probably read yesterday's post about my lovely afternoon. Well, I ended the day by chatting with him and him telling me that although I will be in Atlanta and he will be in Florida for Christmas, he will be thinking of me. Actually, the direct quote really was, "Wherever I am I will be thinking of you," because a few different friends have invited him over for Christmas festivities. 

Now, my normal modus operandi is to simply say thank you or something lame like that because, well, because I tend to feel a snatch of fear in the face of admitting something as vulnerable as "I'll be thinking of you too." You guys must admit that my previous experience has taught me that it is a skosh dangerous to be so forthcoming about my actual feelings. That being said, I bit the bullet and did tell him that I would think of him as well. Does this mean that I'm feeling all brave and shit? Nope. In fact, I must admit to the following:

Am I pretty sure that I do like him? Yep.




Am I waiting of the other shoe to drop and him suddenly either disappear or stop liking me? Yep.

Am I in constant wonder as to why this guy seems to like me? Yep.

Am I thinking that the 3 hour difference will soon become a deal and the "motivation" may wane? Yep.

Am I trying not to think about the inevitable and just enjoy everything as it comes to me? Yep.

Am I finding it difficult? Yep.


I mean, it's not as though you guys haven't read about numerous crushes I've had over this past year that have all ended in nothing. However, I have been using The Happiness Project Toolbox to determine resolutions for this coming year and found a wonderful group resolution to take advantage of:

I hereby resolve to let go of everything that I do not wish to see in 2011. This includes old hurts, old pain, anything I have outgrown, anything no longer useful, anything limiting, any aspect of myself I am no longer interested in being, etc.


Maybe this will help me be brave and optimistic.

Guess we shall all see how this plays out...

Be Still my Heart

I received the most exciting phone call today...



You guys will SO never guess!!!


My beautiful, sexy, Colombian soccer player called and asked if he could dive down one day this week and see me.


Yep, he is going to drive almost 3 hours to come see little, ole me.

And he's all anxious and excited. (giggle)

Why?

I have no freaking clue.  


However, I refuse to think all negativly and wonder "Why in the world does this man want to spend time with me?" (even if I have seen pictures of his ex on FB and , let me just say that she was beautiful.)

Instead I will just enjoy the time we spend together and embrace the NOW of it all.

• I'm pretty excited that he's excited.
•  
• I'm pretty excited he wants to see me again.
•  
• I'm pretty excited that he's willing to drive all the way here to see me.

Ok, I'm just pretty excited...but not in a weird, crazy-girl, "I think this means we are destined to be together" kind of way.

More of a "Wow, he's really sweet and cute and precious and we really had fun last time" kind of feeling.

BTW, I won't even get into the crazy amounts of tingles that occurred with the sweet, (almost) chaste kiss he gave me. Whoa!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's Raining all Kinds of Good Things!!

Have a listen in my brain for a minute...

It's Raining Men!

Hallelujah!

It's Raining Men!

Amen!

It's Raining Jobs!

Hallelujah!

It's Raining Jobs!

Ame---------nnnn!

Why am I singing such a silly song and changing words? Because this whole past week it really is literally raining men and jobs.

Let me explain...

I applied for an Academic Tutor position at a Jr high and then got a call from the high school. I was offered both jobs and the principals were almost willing to fight over who got to have me. I'm SO not kidding. the Superintendent had to settle it and place me where HE thought I should go.

Am I concerned? Oh hell no! I'm just glad I have a job! and After a year and a half of not being the choice, it feels pretty damn awesome to be everyone's choice.

Now for the men...

Ok, so there is my sexy, Colombian soccer player. He is sweet and loves to shower me with compliments, which I'm a HUGE fan of. Seriously.

So, my email was given to another nice guy by a friend of mine and we have been communicating only through email for a week or so now. He just asked me out.  We haven't even had a phone conversation and he really feels like he wants to take me out. We are going to Bellingrath gardens to tour the lights and to dinner. How sweet! I'm pretty excited. I swear my palms started sweating just reading the email.

However, this leaves me to question the Universe...

Where in the hell has all of this been my whole damn life??

Is it possible to be grateful and question the reasoning at the same time? I'm serious, I would have loved to have various nice, sweet, handsome, complimentary guys vying for my attention, like, my whole life! What's up with all this? Here again, I'm totally grateful and appreciate the Universe leading me to this point, but it just feels strange.

I mean, I'm the same person I've always been, aren't I?  Arent' I?

What is the major difference that has all of this happening. Let's just examine this for a second...I have been out on dates with five different guys since August. August!! Five!

I didn't even date like that in college. I didn't even date like that in high school. I mean, I wanted to, but I was never asked out. Hell, I even asked Joe out for our first date! 

And I was thinner and younger and, well, thinner. Wild!!

Of course, I am more confident now. More together. I know who I am now and had no DAMN clue anytime before now.

I guess I just find it odd because I was once told by a guy I no longer really talk to that as a single mom I have to be less choosy and put up with more. That guys could actually end up with "quite a bargain" by dating a single mom.

(Gee, I wonder why I stopped talking to him...)

After that I realized that I'd rather be alone than have to settle for something that even remotely resembled what I had left. And, might I add,  I'd be just fine being alone.

Soooo does a complete lack of interest add to my mystique? Go figure.  I guess it worked for the whole job thing too.

When the excitment just isn't there.

Have you ever really wanted to get excited about something, but just couldn't work up the nerve? That's what I'm currently feeling right now.

You see, I have 2 interviews this week and although I really want to get all pumped and excited about, I'm feeling a bit underwhelmed. Ok, I won't bullshit you guys, I'm scared as hell to get excited because, let's face it, I haven't had the best of luck in the interview department. I mean-Really. Now, I have also already interviewed for a job at this same school...humm, it was about this time last year as a matter of fact.

Needless to say, I didn't get the job. And I should have. Although, maybe they realize that now. 

Maybe that's a leg up or perhaps it just makes me look desperate as hell. I guess looking desperate isn't SO bad because, again something to face guys, I am. 


I also have  date this weekend.  And this would be another area I haven't been having the best of luck in.  It's funny though, I wasn't ever a dater before. Seriously. I jut kinda fell into relationships and never really was the girl that went on dates and "played the field". I never questioned it because, while I think I'm pretty damn cute, I realize that I was not, am not, and never will be that girl that instantly gets noticed from across the room. It's ok and it's not from a lack of self esteem, I promise. I'm just Jamie and there's nothing so eye catching and fantastical that instantly attracts the whole idea of eyes meeting from across the crowded, smoky room. That's not how I roll and that's ok. I'm more of the cute girl that becomes a "wow" after a conversation or two. Yep, I'm personality attractive. (And it's always pissed me off that "She has a great personality translates to "she's not attractive".)

So, I find it confusing to be this serial dater now. I'm not kidding. I've gone on dates with 3 (this Sat will be guy 4) since August and only one has made it to date 3. One of them would have had schedules been more kind and he not freaked out about my kids, but that' snot my problem. (Actually, I think he's trying to maneuver another one, but I'm only going to bite if I see some serious motivation on his part- then I'll think about it.  But please no one think I'm holding my breath...no really.) 

Anyway, at least the guy this Saturday has a little boy so he understands the idea of time constraints and responsibility that comes with molding a little person's life. He's also "motivated" (his words not mine) to drive anywhere at anytime to spend time with me. Odd. I'm not even sure why I should think it's odd, but I swear it fills me with trepidation.  I feel like I should dig into his psyche and find the hidden reason. Maybe it's because I never gave anyone the chance to act that way towards me or maybe I just kept picking the guys that wouldn't. Humm, probably both.

I've always done for other people because I really don't expect anything done for me. How sad that I do not expect a fuss to be made over me, but let's face it, having never been a "squeaky wheel" I've never had an abundance of attention lavished on me. I've always been able to disappear into the background. Convenient, but not exactly the fodder of dreams, ya know.

I think I'm just in the "Meh, why the hell should I get excited about something that will potentially disapointing and probably not work out anyway" phase. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not feel depressed and, yes, I've been taking my meds, but I just can't motivate myself to get all giddy and excited about either interview or my date. Does this mena that my natual optomism is fading and a pessimistic realism is taking over? Ugh, I hope not. How depressing would that be?

Maybe I just need a vacation.  or maybe I just need SOMETHING to fucking work out-at least for a minute.

Just guessing...

Bags Galore: A Virtual Party

My sister, who is the Princess of shopping with MJ being the Queen of all things shopping, never ceases to amaze me. I swear every time I talk to her or go visit her I am introduced to yet another product or store that I cannot live without.

Seriously! She introduced me to Swatch watches and  Guess jeans when I was a kid and took me into my first Old Navy when I was in college. I guess begin older than me and living in the big ATL has some serious advantages.  

So once again, my sister has shown me a new line of bags that I want in every style and every color. Thirty-One Gifts....

Ahhh, I wish I were rich instead of cute... (hee hee)

Anyway, you guys should all hope on over to Thirty-One Gifts and take a look because I just KNOW that someone in your lives would kill to have an insulated lunch bag, make-up bag, tote, or any one of the other wonderful bags available. I mean, what girl does NOT love bags!! (I know I do and for that matter, so does my Cait.)

In fact.... my lovely sister is having a virtual party at Thirty-One Gifts. Anyone who orders $31 worth of these fabulous bags will receive a gift of a hard case wallet. Plus, almost all of them can be skipped directly to you or the person in your life who LOVES bags by Christmas! Great deal, huh?! (especially for those of you who hate to get out in the hustle and bustle of the shopping crowds. You know who you are!)

I not only encourage you guys to shop under her PARTY I really, really want you guys to.

Spread the word to your friends and family members. Seriously, it's a win-win. You guys get a fabulous bag and wallet and my sis gets a  few goodies for herself. (She's known to spread the love around to yours truly, AKA, her favorite sister.) 

Check it out and enjoy shopping!!

I'll Never Understand

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck....sigh damn.

So sorry, usually I give you guys a warning before I launch into a tirade, but I'm all about being honest. This is my honest right now.

Why is it that when a guy has a kid it's all wonderful and precious, but a girl has a kid it's scary? Huh? Why? I swear I will never in my whole damn life understand this stupid guy/dating shit. I mean wtf?!

You talk for hours and say they like you and then...nothing.

Or decide they aren't ready for "kids in my life" right now.

Ummm, did I mistakenly ask someone to marry me? Oh wait...NO. No, I didn't.

In fact, I haven't asked a goddamn person to take care of me or my kids because they are mine and mine ALONE.  (A fact I am very fucking aware of thankyouveryfuckingmuch.)

Now I believe the women who give away or hurt their children because the new men in their lives are lower than low-more deplorable than Hitler skinning a baby seal with an elephant tusk knife. However, after the handful of dates I've had in the past sixish months,  the complete hopelessness that crossed their weak little minds must have been numbing and overwhelming.

Sometimes it is for me, but I swallow it down. I get it out of my brain and my heart because I will not let it defeat me. I can't. 

But it does get me down sometimes times, guys. It really does.

And in case you didn't notice...today is one of those times.

A Friend's Happiness

I awoke to some of the best news that has absolutely does not involve me in anyway at all!  My sorority sister got engaged last night!

(Isn't she precious?!)

Now, she isn't just a sorority sister though, she and I have gone to school together since I was in first grade AND we played softball together when we were 5...I have known this girl for a minute!!

She had one of those wonderfully successful "right out of college" like I did, but she was smart enough to leave WAY before I did. She and her little man have been a two person family since he was 15 months old-now he's six.

She was the first to reach out and lift me out of my personal despair when I thought I'd never be able to survive begin a single mom. In fact, she probably would have helped me become a single mom way before I did had I been "allowed" to hang out with my Thetas more. (You just can't hide misery from the ones that know you best.)

Anyway, she was also the first to show me that a single mom could find love and happiness with someone new...that fairly tales really did happen. Until then I wasn't really certain it was possible.

However...

around, this time last year we heard all about this guy she met. Suddenly this woman who had been contentedly single was considering coupledom. Now, the road wasn't exactly easy because when you put two people who had been broken in the past there are all sorts of hurdles and repairs to be made before you become brave enough to walk that wire again, but we could all tell that those two particular broken hearts could only be healed when they were stitched together.

They just seemed to fit and be happier together then they could ever be apart.

So, last night they had a nice little night out with friends and the most wonderful thing happened...but I've told you about that already.

Congratulations to the wonderful new engaged couple. May the years be long, happy, and smooth because you both deserve it!!!!!