Why I Hate Alabama

Now the title may be a  bit inflammatory, but I seriously DO have an intense dislike of Alabama right now. I do apologize to anyone who lives there, was born there, knows someone from there, or generally likes anything in the general direction of that state-several people in that state have earned my ire and therefore the entire state is on notice!

Notice I tell you!!!!!!!!!!!

Lets start at the beginning...This has all happened since December:

1- Marco got his first ever speeding ticket in Alabama coming to visit me.

2- I got MY first ever speeding ticket coming home from my sister's house.

3- We were stopped at a random roadblock on a back road at 10:00 at night and the cop acted like a total ass to Marco. "Son, you been drinking?" Really? Plus shined the flashlight in the car and almost woke up the kids and took his SWEET time in clearing us through. I guess he expected to find a van load of illegals or something. I half expected him to ask for Marco's papers or some shit. Really, dude?  

4- Yesterday we went to get our marriage license in Dothan. Let me tell you guys something, these people have the stupidest working hours known to man! (and that's another story, I guess.) Anyway, The broad behind the counter was obviously not a fan of brown people (or perhaps just her job in general) because she was all about evil-eyeing us the whole time...but it got worse when Marco opened his mouth. You see, I never notice his accent until we are around people who give him "that look" when they hear his accent. So, between the accent and his social security card, which states he is here for work purposes only, she did NOT warm up to the happy couple. I mean, she still looked at him like his paperwork was fake or something. THEN, she notices his Pink Floyd short and says, "What do you know about Pink Floyd anyway or are you just wearing the shirt?" He simply smiled and said, "Well, I certainly know several songs of theirs, but I also liked the shirt."(God, he is so easy going and polite!) I, on the other hand, was FUMING, people! Fuming! Just who in the name of hell did she think she was to say anything like that?! Just when I thought it could get no worse, she decided to be an ignorant bitch about the name on the marriage license. I even explained that in Latin culture the Father's name is used and then the Mother's maiden name is added at the end; however the "last name"is still the Father's name. Nope, "According to the social security card, the first name listed is the first name and the last name listed in the last name. I can capitalize both names, but you will end up with both names when you go change your name." I think she really enjoyed that. Stupid bitch. Even a the bank, which everyone knows is super careful about names, dropped the "mother's name" for him since it tended to cause issues and just generally be super long on checks. She had a nice little half smile/smirk on her face when she said it too. Grr, what a bitch. What she may NOT know it that the last time I changed my name I literally got the option of choosing what name went where as well as what was kept and what was discarded. I guess she thought it was my penance for marrying a foreigner...I'm sure in her head she said Mexican because all brown people are Mexican, right?!  I'm also sure she went home to her rednecky friends and family had they sat around bitching about those damn Mexicans who are "stealing our jobs" and NOW our women. Sigh... Anyway, to top the whole experience with a cherry, they do NOT mail the certified copies; so, to receive a copy of my marriage license and change my name to the super-long-craziness she thinks she has saddled me with, I have to drive BACK to DothanfuckingAlabama to see that fat bitch once again. Oh. Happy. Day.

As an addendum, I will say that not all people in Alabama are like that because we had a wonderful waitress for dinner right after who even replied in Spanish to Tristan when he told her, "Gracias." However, I stand beside my statement, which was made as we left the licensing office, "We will never live in Alabama!" 

Sorry, Bama, you lost five knew potential residents due to the arrogance and the racism of many of your residents.      

Long, Wild, Crazy Ride

I realized a few minutes ago that, while today has a special significance for being Father's Day, it also bares a slightly stronger significance for my own life...two years ago today I though my world was completely over.

I thought there was no way I would ever recover from the feeling of betrayal that enveloped me like a large woman crushing me against her chest-hot, suffacating, and wholey unwelcome. 

 I never thought to ever have another Father's Day go by without acutly feeling what I had lost for my children, namely a Father of their very own. Yes, I said what I had lost them.

You see, although I had been miserable for longer than I dare even admit, I felt it was my duty to my children to keep the family together because it was not their fault that I was unhappy. He seems contented enough and the children were happy enough. I accepted that obviously it was just my own problem that I was desperately unhappy and unsatisfied with my lot in life. Why should I shake up my babies' lives for soemthing that was purely me?

After the insident in question, I spent some time contemplating how I was too blame for it. That obviously my dissatisfacion in my marriage caused me to become a sub-par wife and lead him down a path which lead directly to adultery...Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.  

I do, in fact, take respoinsibility for my failings in my first marriage, because I did certianly have some, but I no longer take total responsibility. I have not for some time actually. Thankfully.

However, it does color my current relationship some, as I'm sure MAT's failed relationship with his son's mom colors his time with me. Again, thankfully, it colors it in the best way possible because we have learned to appricate the good things and call out the questionsable things early.

While I have always felt blessed to have such a wonderful Dad, I can now say that my children are equally blessed becuase this man who has inherited the title to Dad takes it very seriously. He is everythig I could want in ta Father for them and loves them completely and eats up each time the call him "Dad" and each time they proudly use a Spanish word.

My world that so easily shattered two years ago, has risen like a Phoenix and it now as it should be...full of love, laughter, and family.

Mi Amorcito

When I first saw this man back in October, I remember thinking that there was no way in hell he'd ever be actually interested in me. Just no damn way, people.  He's almost three years younger with three percent body fat and totally yummy. (I mean the accent alone, guys!) What in hell can I offer this man?!?!

Obviously a lot as it turns out because he has chosen me. Shut the Front DooR!!!

And better than that...he is all about me begin as girly as I absolutely want to be. In fact, he encourages me to get my nails done. I asked him if he thought it was a stupid expense and he replied, "Are you going to get them redone every 3 days?"

"Well, no; that's just silly."

"Then there is nothing wrong with you needing to get your nails done. It makes you feel good."

Sorry girls, he's all mine.

He is encouraging my weight loss and reminding me to eat (he used to check that I ate breakfast every day until it became a habit), but not because I'm big; because, "The kids and I need you around a long time, baby." I must say it's easy to eat well around him because he eats so well. Fruit, vegetables, rice, protien, smoothies...he likes good fod, but it isn't a NEED for him. Food fuels his body; it's not something he lives for.

Hummm...What a novel concept.

Actually, he asked me what I thought the other day because he was afraid he is getting too skinny. I told him that I would fatten him up soon enough with some good Southern cooking, but I wouldn't change a single thing about him. I have seriously never thought hip bones were sexy on a man until recently. Wow. Really.

Anyhoooooooo....

I feel myself blossoming under his light. I can remember once liking the feeling of being girly and feminine, but I stopped because it became passe'. I love the feeling of wearing dresses and feeling pretty...and I do. Where a majority of my life I always felt my weight (regardless of what I weighed) and felt awkward in pretty clothes because I didn't think I was pretty enough to wear pretty clothes.

For some reason I thought that pretty clothes highlighted my lack of pretty by drawing attention to myself instead of helping me become prettier. I know I'm not crazy and other people have felt the same way...right?

Now, as I stand beside him, I feel like the most beautiful girl in the room. Seriously. I do not notice who is prettier or skinnier or has a cuter outfit; I just focus on us and how good I feel around him. It's like the huge mountain of uncertainty disapears and I can finally relax into my skin. I have more fun. I smile more. I laugh more. I stress less. I fidget less. (This is HUGE in itself!) And all of these things are felt both with and without kids. I am as relaxed with all 3 kids as I am with just us 2. He just lets me be me and really loves it.

My cousin commented months ago that it was true love becasue I said I felt skinny around him. It's true. I do. I'm am never self conscious of my weight around him and when I've said I could wear something I've seen in a store window he has just looked at me oddly and said, "Why?" Like the fact that I'm probably around 70 pounds overweight has never really occured to him.

God, I love that Latin men like women with meat on their bones. Because while I may never lose all of this 70 pounds (even though I'm really trying and it's decreasing sssslllowllllyyyyyyy), he will still think I'm just as beautiful at a smaller size as he does right now. I mean...I'm going to get nothing but better!

Hell, I may be freaking impossible to live with by the time I lose a bit more weight. 


For example, I bought a dress on a whim. I thought it was pretty, but I would have NEVER even attempted to wear at any other time in my life...even when I was in college! But I bought this cute, lilac colored, strapless dress with ruffled tiers. (see below)

 I wore it out the other night with a little black shrug and wedge heels with black flowers onteh strapes and his eyes bugged out of his head. "Baby, this dress this dress!!! You look georgous!! Where did you get this dress!"

Don't ask me what anyone else was wearing that night. And don't bother asking his what anyone else was wearing because he proudly held onto me the entire night. I felt like a queen. I fetl like no one has ever made me feel before...I felt like my Pop finally wasn't full of total shit for the past 33 years...I felt beautiful.

Holy shit...I guess I am beautiful after all.  :)

Just a bit late

So, my first "blogaversary" has come and gone with absolutely no fanfare because, to be honest, I forgot. Oops!

I know that I have been absent for a very long time, but there has been SO much to tell that I had no way to actually tell any of you what is happening. Why?

Because I was afraid it would slip through my fingers before I actually had time to wrap my brain around it all. 

I reread my first post and I'm amazed at the changes that have happened in just one year. http://jamieccouncil-findingbliss.blogspot.com/2010/03/once-upon-time-there-was-little-girl.html

The biggest changes?

ONE: I'm happy. I'm happy when I wake up. I'm happy when I go to sleep. I'm happy when I have to fuss at my kids for not being "good listeners", which happens WAY too often. I'm happy every time in between. In fact, I can't remember the last time I cried and coming from a place where I cried at least once every single day for about two years (one before the fateful "event" and one year after) that is pretty freaking amazing.

TWO: I have fallen totally, completely, amazingly, stupidly, and fabulously in love. Yep. You heard it here. And even more than that, I can absolutely put my finger on the exact moment I knew it. I'll write more about that later, but let's just say it's pretty schmoopy and disgusting. :)  

But... I love him. My kids love him. I love his son. My kids love his son. He loves my kids. And most importantly, he loves me. It's amazing! It also makes me realize how wrong I was for settling for anything less than what this is and what this feels like.  Euphoria. Heaven. Breathing. I can't imagine what life is like without hearing his voice each day, without getting little notes and texts from him at random times, without feeling his arms around me when I finally see him. 

He doesn't create my happiness; he enhances my happiness by listening, supporting, and understanding (or at least trying to) everything I am. he doesn't want me to be anything differently than exactly what and who I am. Hell, guys, he even thinks my damn freckles are beautiful. What's not to freaking love?!

So what's next? Doesn't even matter because he and I will be together when it happens. He wants to marry me...and I can't think of a better way to spend the next 50 years of my life than staring into the eyes and cuddling into the arms of my beautiful Colombian soccer player.

This is what happens when I can't sleep...

I will regret this in the morning without a doubt. While my red, unfocused eyes stare blankly at my bouncing children I will think back on how I was not able to sleep and seriously regret not forcing myself to sleep.

Perhaps my mind keeps drifting forward a day to my first day of work where I will know no one....and I have to do a district inservice to boot. And, did I mention that said inservice is at the high school where I accepted a job and then was told I couldn't accept the job and felt like I had done something very wrong? Yeah, that one. Now, be sure to understand that I am not responsible and was never thought to have done anything wrong at all, but I hate all forms of conflict and two principals fighting over me smacks of conflict in my book. Just saying...

However, my mind could be racing over the thought that it is time for classes to resume at JC and I have not received an email or a call offering me a class. Umm, ok, so they do not even reopen until tomorrow, but that is decidedly beside the point! I want to know if I have an extra job, by God. Why do people never do things on MY time clock? Again...just saying...

Maybe my brain keeps replaying clips of phone conversations and emails and actual face-to-face dialogue between me and my MAT. (If he calls me "my Jamie," I'm thinking he can be mine too.) He's very curious about what everyone is saying about him, especially since I have actually mentioned him by name on a FB status, and I do not have the heart to tell him that I only refer to him as a nameless "date" on a blog and do not speak of him outloud otherwise. I'm just not sure he would understand that to say it out loud to those around me makes it real and therefore something that can crush me if/when it ends.

I know in some level he would because he was hurt deeply by his ex, but I can see none of that on his face-ever. Each time we are together, either in person or on the phone or online, he is fully there, ya know.  No holding back, no games, no subterfuge-just him and his honesty. Now he flirts...Lord does that man flirt...and Lord, bless my soul, is he ever good at it...but it feels differently than what I'm used to. I'm used to blatant flirting that is heavily laced with innuendo and propositions, but his is....well, honest and straightforward. Open. There is affection without overt references to sex being bandied about; there are only terms of endearment and questions about my day and plans and occasional "kiss" thrown in for good measure. In fact, the only thing remotely racy about our conversations is the increasing number of times the word "kiss" is thrown around. (Hell, he even says "kiss" before he gets off the phone with me.)  And I am sitting here feeling nervous because I have no words to describe what this feels like and I'm trying desperately to play it off and grown up because it's not like I'm a stupid teenager (although, I know you all probably don't believe it after all the crushes I've had in the past year) and can afford to be so flippant with thoughts and ideas.

While I know that whatever happens I will survive and move on, just as have before and will again, but I'm actually more afraid of getting used to this kind of treatment and always being disappointed if I never receive it again. I actually started to ask him if he was interested in a thing that's happening next month and stopped myself with the thought, "Really, Jamie. You want to ask him about next month. Ya assuming a lot aren't you?" 

This is after knowing that he already said he will run my first 5K with me in May, but I have a hard time counting on that.  It's not that I do not believe him; it's just that it boggles my damn mind. Seriously, guys, why. I mean I met him in November and started emailing and talking on the phone. We had our first date the saturday before Christmas. We just had our third date (AND we all know from past posts that I seem to have a shelf life of around 6 weeks or 3ish dates. Not sure why, but that has been the trend.) and I think I'm waiting for the shoe to drop and each day it doesn't I'm not sure whether to breath a sigh of relief and do a happy dance or just keep my fingers crossed.

I know...I know..I'm thinking WAY too much about all of this shit and I should give it a rest, get some sleep and just relax...easy for you to say, Paco. You don't have to worry about the weird fluttery feeling you get thinking about some really sweet and extremely handsome man with excellent hands and very, very muscled abs(Oh yes, hand on chest..zero fat, pudge, anything...just very hard, solid muscle. Whoa...) And how the more excited you get when his name pops up on the phone or online the more nervous you get and how stupid it all sounds-even when it's just said in your own head. I mean, Hallmark doesn't make a "I like you and it scares the mortal hell out of me because I just can't think of any reason why I should get to keep you even tough I have no idea why I'd even have a single thought about keeping anyone this soon after us meeting" card. Good God I'm nurotic tonight..

SEE!!!

This is what happens when I can't sleep!!! I toss. I turn. I starting thinking and then I can't turn my fucking brain off!! Holy hell!!  I'm fucking going to bed....

PS-Just to let you guys know, i'm pretty sure this all spurred from the possibility of us going a group outing this weekend. Me and my two & him and his one. I keep thinking that either sometime this week (in a panic of "OMG her kids that might be too serious") or next week (in a panic of "OMG her kids are wild and I can't deal") the death knell will sound and that will be all she wrote...sigh.......damn, I really AM going to bed this time.

New Year's Day - 1/1/11 Rocks!

I have successfully spent a New Year's Day in a total state of bliss! Now, I know I am prone to exaggeration, but I'm really NOT this time. It was a fanfuckingtastic day!

I woke up with my babies curled up around me.. nice.

They watched PBS while I took a shower and started getting dressed...very nice.

Although it rained on my drive to meet MAT, had a cup of coffee with me and plenty of time to get there...not bad.

I was early and found us a nice corner booth in W.H. and had, yet another cup of coffee, while I waited...excellent.

He walked in shaking off water from him head and immediately broke into a huge smile as soon as he saw me...most excellent.

Walked over and promptly dropped the first of many kisses on my lips and grabbed my hands from across the table...sigh

Because of the rain, our original plan was ruined so we went bowling instead...cute (Yep, this girl went bowling. Good grief, I hadn't been bowling since I still lived in Phoenix and have refused to go since then...I busted my ass and had the freaking bruise to show for it, for like, 6 months. Shitty!)

He won a game and then I won a game. Damn, that was some super fun bowling! Seriously. Of course, anything is fun when you are trying your best to distract the other person in the name of being "supportive"...amazing!

Then we played 2 games of pool...fabulous! (Again, I have not played pool since whatshisname because he took that shit so seriously that I was bored, pretty much, every time; however, how could I get bored with so much attention and affection being lavished on me? YES, I said lavished!! swoon)

Long story short (too late!) we had a wonderful time. We talked,  laughed, held hands, and, well, kissed from the time he walked in the restaurant until I closed the door of my van to drive back to D's house.

My drive back to MS was dry and the kids slept the whole way, which was good because my mind kept wandering just a skosh. To be perfectly honest, I can't even begin to tell you guys what I was thinking the entire time we were together because I'm just not sure I have the appropriate vocabulary. Lie...I HAVE the vocabulary, but even I can't say some things out loud. Whoa...

On the whole the only thing that sucked about the entire day was saying goodbye to my sexy soccer player. I really love 2011 right now...

Admitting the Obvious

Ok, So if you are reading this you probably read yesterday's post about my lovely afternoon. Well, I ended the day by chatting with him and him telling me that although I will be in Atlanta and he will be in Florida for Christmas, he will be thinking of me. Actually, the direct quote really was, "Wherever I am I will be thinking of you," because a few different friends have invited him over for Christmas festivities. 

Now, my normal modus operandi is to simply say thank you or something lame like that because, well, because I tend to feel a snatch of fear in the face of admitting something as vulnerable as "I'll be thinking of you too." You guys must admit that my previous experience has taught me that it is a skosh dangerous to be so forthcoming about my actual feelings. That being said, I bit the bullet and did tell him that I would think of him as well. Does this mean that I'm feeling all brave and shit? Nope. In fact, I must admit to the following:

Am I pretty sure that I do like him? Yep.




Am I waiting of the other shoe to drop and him suddenly either disappear or stop liking me? Yep.

Am I in constant wonder as to why this guy seems to like me? Yep.

Am I thinking that the 3 hour difference will soon become a deal and the "motivation" may wane? Yep.

Am I trying not to think about the inevitable and just enjoy everything as it comes to me? Yep.

Am I finding it difficult? Yep.


I mean, it's not as though you guys haven't read about numerous crushes I've had over this past year that have all ended in nothing. However, I have been using The Happiness Project Toolbox to determine resolutions for this coming year and found a wonderful group resolution to take advantage of:

I hereby resolve to let go of everything that I do not wish to see in 2011. This includes old hurts, old pain, anything I have outgrown, anything no longer useful, anything limiting, any aspect of myself I am no longer interested in being, etc.


Maybe this will help me be brave and optimistic.

Guess we shall all see how this plays out...

Afternoon Happiness

So, let me just tell you, guys!! I had the most wonderful afternoon! Truly, I did! 

What happened you ask?


Well................................................

I met my sweet, beautiful, Colombian soccer player (henceforth known as MAT because, well, those are his initials.) in Mobile today at Starbucks. A coffee on the patio while we laughed and talked (and he held my hand) set the tone quite well. Yep, you read that correctly; as soon as we saw one another and hugged, he immediately slipped my hand to the inside crook of his arm, covering it with the other. (Totally swoon-worthy!)

Now this may not seem wondrously interesting to most, but as someone who has always craved touch, yet have never dated a man who shared that, it was a huge deal. I mean, I've had the constant gropers and the "Oh look we are alone" grabbers, but never, never have I had a man who could simply drape his arm around my shoulder as a gesture of affection or hold my hand without a single thought as to place, people, or appropriateness. Plus, it was touch that was affection for the sake of affection and not overtly sexual. (Not that there was no chemistry or slight undertone, but it wasn't touch meant to just be about sex. That was nice. Affection just to show care not just an avenue to get laid.)

And I must admit that because of that I have always been a bit timid, but I never gave it a second though to throw my arm around his waist and hug him back or reach backwards for his hand when the passageway was narrow and I had to walk ahead of him. It was as though I had been doing that for years.  I also haven't dated a guy who was as animated as me-hand and face.

I did find out juicy tidbits today....it is not a stereotype to assume that as a Colombian he loves coffee (when I asked the question he smiled and said, "Of course I love coffee; I'm Colombian."), he gets moody when hungry, almost always drives the speed limit (Except today, he got a speeding ticket on his way to Mobile. His first ever!), he likes to play with Diego's toys, and he thinks it would be interesting to live in Atlanta (However, I'm not sure he can just pick up and move since his company sponsor's his visa to live here. I don't really know how all that works.).

Didn't I tell you guys he was my Colombian soccer player? Yep, wasn't kidding. He really is from Colombia-like his whole life and his family still lives there. NOTE- He did ask me if I thought I'd enjoy or have a problem with visiting Colombia. Just saying. I know he is just ticking off random questions that might become an issue if this continues, but it still denotes the thought of future. Personally, I think it would rock! However, I like to travel to new places.

Oh, I also learned that bullshit you read in romance novels about a "smouldering" look can actually be accomplished by a Latin man. If it can be accomplished by anyone else I've never seen it, but I've seen attempts-laughable attempts. MAT can smile and then focus his eyes in a way that is just tingle central. Seriously, you can damn near feels what he's thinking. :) 

Anyway, when it was time to go, he drove me to my car and kissed me several times before I went to my car and began my trek home. or should I say...my smiley trek home.

Yep, I smiled all the way home.

It really was the kind of day that definitely makes all other things seem wonderful.

To be continued...

The Great Job Hunt Comes To An End

Holy shit, you guys, I got a job!

Hallelujah!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you freaking believe it? It's only taken a fucking year and a half to get hired by a school, but once more I will have a classroom, a consistent paycheck, and insurance. I am SOOOO amazingly relieved.

Can I get a "Hell Yeah"?

Can I get an "Amen"?

Oh, I finally feel I will be able to take care of my babies and work towards total independence. Plus, I have to say that I enjoyed hearing that I was the gift "God" provided to them since all of my teaching experience was in 10th grade. (Especially since I actually applied for the position before now and wasn't hired for it and now it is MINE).

Can I get another big AMEN, my peoples?

AMEN!!

When the excitment just isn't there.

Have you ever really wanted to get excited about something, but just couldn't work up the nerve? That's what I'm currently feeling right now.

You see, I have 2 interviews this week and although I really want to get all pumped and excited about, I'm feeling a bit underwhelmed. Ok, I won't bullshit you guys, I'm scared as hell to get excited because, let's face it, I haven't had the best of luck in the interview department. I mean-Really. Now, I have also already interviewed for a job at this same school...humm, it was about this time last year as a matter of fact.

Needless to say, I didn't get the job. And I should have. Although, maybe they realize that now. 

Maybe that's a leg up or perhaps it just makes me look desperate as hell. I guess looking desperate isn't SO bad because, again something to face guys, I am. 


I also have  date this weekend.  And this would be another area I haven't been having the best of luck in.  It's funny though, I wasn't ever a dater before. Seriously. I jut kinda fell into relationships and never really was the girl that went on dates and "played the field". I never questioned it because, while I think I'm pretty damn cute, I realize that I was not, am not, and never will be that girl that instantly gets noticed from across the room. It's ok and it's not from a lack of self esteem, I promise. I'm just Jamie and there's nothing so eye catching and fantastical that instantly attracts the whole idea of eyes meeting from across the crowded, smoky room. That's not how I roll and that's ok. I'm more of the cute girl that becomes a "wow" after a conversation or two. Yep, I'm personality attractive. (And it's always pissed me off that "She has a great personality translates to "she's not attractive".)

So, I find it confusing to be this serial dater now. I'm not kidding. I've gone on dates with 3 (this Sat will be guy 4) since August and only one has made it to date 3. One of them would have had schedules been more kind and he not freaked out about my kids, but that' snot my problem. (Actually, I think he's trying to maneuver another one, but I'm only going to bite if I see some serious motivation on his part- then I'll think about it.  But please no one think I'm holding my breath...no really.) 

Anyway, at least the guy this Saturday has a little boy so he understands the idea of time constraints and responsibility that comes with molding a little person's life. He's also "motivated" (his words not mine) to drive anywhere at anytime to spend time with me. Odd. I'm not even sure why I should think it's odd, but I swear it fills me with trepidation.  I feel like I should dig into his psyche and find the hidden reason. Maybe it's because I never gave anyone the chance to act that way towards me or maybe I just kept picking the guys that wouldn't. Humm, probably both.

I've always done for other people because I really don't expect anything done for me. How sad that I do not expect a fuss to be made over me, but let's face it, having never been a "squeaky wheel" I've never had an abundance of attention lavished on me. I've always been able to disappear into the background. Convenient, but not exactly the fodder of dreams, ya know.

I think I'm just in the "Meh, why the hell should I get excited about something that will potentially disapointing and probably not work out anyway" phase. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not feel depressed and, yes, I've been taking my meds, but I just can't motivate myself to get all giddy and excited about either interview or my date. Does this mena that my natual optomism is fading and a pessimistic realism is taking over? Ugh, I hope not. How depressing would that be?

Maybe I just need a vacation.  or maybe I just need SOMETHING to fucking work out-at least for a minute.

Just guessing...

I'll Never Understand

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck....sigh damn.

So sorry, usually I give you guys a warning before I launch into a tirade, but I'm all about being honest. This is my honest right now.

Why is it that when a guy has a kid it's all wonderful and precious, but a girl has a kid it's scary? Huh? Why? I swear I will never in my whole damn life understand this stupid guy/dating shit. I mean wtf?!

You talk for hours and say they like you and then...nothing.

Or decide they aren't ready for "kids in my life" right now.

Ummm, did I mistakenly ask someone to marry me? Oh wait...NO. No, I didn't.

In fact, I haven't asked a goddamn person to take care of me or my kids because they are mine and mine ALONE.  (A fact I am very fucking aware of thankyouveryfuckingmuch.)

Now I believe the women who give away or hurt their children because the new men in their lives are lower than low-more deplorable than Hitler skinning a baby seal with an elephant tusk knife. However, after the handful of dates I've had in the past sixish months,  the complete hopelessness that crossed their weak little minds must have been numbing and overwhelming.

Sometimes it is for me, but I swallow it down. I get it out of my brain and my heart because I will not let it defeat me. I can't. 

But it does get me down sometimes times, guys. It really does.

And in case you didn't notice...today is one of those times.

A Friend's Happiness

I awoke to some of the best news that has absolutely does not involve me in anyway at all!  My sorority sister got engaged last night!

(Isn't she precious?!)

Now, she isn't just a sorority sister though, she and I have gone to school together since I was in first grade AND we played softball together when we were 5...I have known this girl for a minute!!

She had one of those wonderfully successful "right out of college" like I did, but she was smart enough to leave WAY before I did. She and her little man have been a two person family since he was 15 months old-now he's six.

She was the first to reach out and lift me out of my personal despair when I thought I'd never be able to survive begin a single mom. In fact, she probably would have helped me become a single mom way before I did had I been "allowed" to hang out with my Thetas more. (You just can't hide misery from the ones that know you best.)

Anyway, she was also the first to show me that a single mom could find love and happiness with someone new...that fairly tales really did happen. Until then I wasn't really certain it was possible.

However...

around, this time last year we heard all about this guy she met. Suddenly this woman who had been contentedly single was considering coupledom. Now, the road wasn't exactly easy because when you put two people who had been broken in the past there are all sorts of hurdles and repairs to be made before you become brave enough to walk that wire again, but we could all tell that those two particular broken hearts could only be healed when they were stitched together.

They just seemed to fit and be happier together then they could ever be apart.

So, last night they had a nice little night out with friends and the most wonderful thing happened...but I've told you about that already.

Congratulations to the wonderful new engaged couple. May the years be long, happy, and smooth because you both deserve it!!!!!

Damn Right!

Since MJ finally got home from Jackson, I slipped out f the house for a little quiet Jamie time this afternoon. I had nowhere in particular in mind to go, but I was just happy to be unencumbered and alone in the world.

Now I noticed as I got dressed for my outing that my top seemed a bit less fitted than before and my jeans were just big. Now these are the jeans I bought in April that were a bit snug in the waist, but fit in the legs. Right now I can pull these suckers on and off without unbuttoning them-straight out of the dryer no less.

So walking around I began to feel kinda frumpy because I kept having to pull them up and the bagginess was actually making me look bigger. (Not a good thing since I've been feeling a bit delicate for the past few days anyway.) I even found a pair of boots I liked, but they just looked totally off with the pants I was wearing; just wrong.

SOOOO, I decided to try on some new pants.  

Now, to be perfectly honest, I didn't think they'd fit. Seriously. I mean , I've learned that just because one size pants are baggy absolutely does NOT mean the next size down will fit. Women's sizes are just retarded like that.

I walked into the store and headed straight for the sales rack and found 5 pairs of jeans on the rack. *sigh* Five. I wasn't feeling very optimistic since the first pair I touched were not just big, but BIG, if ya know what I mean. The next pair were bigger than me too. The third pair were the wrong color-sorry I do not like light colored jeans. And, yes, I can afford to be the picky; it'd be MY ass that looks huge, people.

So, four was my magic number because it was the size I needed. it was so cool to pick up that pair of pants and carry them back to the dressing room...again, not actually thinking they would fit, but hoping. However, I was not hoping enough that my fingers were crossed or anything. I was just willing to accept whatever happened in the dressing room-otherwise known as the outer rim of hell.  

Legs in...they were much closer fitting than the ones I just took off so I figured they'd stop at my hips.

Oh, get out they slid right over my hips without even a wiggle. Score!

Ok, so I do have to suck in a skosh to button them, but it was worth it. Why? Because I'm telling you guys that my legs and my butt looked good on those pants. Plus, do you know how long it's been since I've slipped on a pair of size 16 jeans, people?

Conservatively, I'd say since about 2001. Yep, 9 years since I've had my butt comfortably in a pair of jeans that size. Hummm, excuse me for a moment, I have to do a celebratory happy dance now....







almost done.....






not quite done yet.......






Ahhhh, ok. I think I'm finished, at least for the time being, but I can't promise I won't randomly break into crazy dance moves in the near future. I'm just excited...and I think I wanna go put them on again.

Oh,and just so you guys know...I have NO idea how I am managing this whole shrinkage thing, but I'm going to enjoy, embrace, and accept it...and possibly help it along on purpose.

I really have nothing to say today because it's a really good day. LC had to work today, but he did send a very sweet text. 


"Thinking about you!"  



 (Excuse me while I giggle like a fourteen year old girl right now...{blush})

That's all I got for today. 

Well, that and my smile.  

Nothing Much

I really don't have much to say, but I did want to make sure you guys knew I was alive and well.

Ummmm.......................

In truth, I do have a date on saturday. Yep, it's someone new. Who knew that I would become a serial dater and flit from fella to fella. Crazy talk, right?! Anyway, this one is quite a bit different from the ones before. This one makes me nervous, where the other ones never did. It was alway slike "Oh, ok. So, it's a date." But it's not nerve-wraking in a bad, creepy, scary way; only in a good, butterfies in tummy way. (which is pretty scary.)

However, I will not say another word about it until it's over...But do feel free to wish me luck.