Random thoughts and musings of a single Mom striving to follow dreams and find pure BLISS.

This is what happens when I can't sleep...

I will regret this in the morning without a doubt. While my red, unfocused eyes stare blankly at my bouncing children I will think back on how I was not able to sleep and seriously regret not forcing myself to sleep.

Perhaps my mind keeps drifting forward a day to my first day of work where I will know no one....and I have to do a district inservice to boot. And, did I mention that said inservice is at the high school where I accepted a job and then was told I couldn't accept the job and felt like I had done something very wrong? Yeah, that one. Now, be sure to understand that I am not responsible and was never thought to have done anything wrong at all, but I hate all forms of conflict and two principals fighting over me smacks of conflict in my book. Just saying...

However, my mind could be racing over the thought that it is time for classes to resume at JC and I have not received an email or a call offering me a class. Umm, ok, so they do not even reopen until tomorrow, but that is decidedly beside the point! I want to know if I have an extra job, by God. Why do people never do things on MY time clock? Again...just saying...

Maybe my brain keeps replaying clips of phone conversations and emails and actual face-to-face dialogue between me and my MAT. (If he calls me "my Jamie," I'm thinking he can be mine too.) He's very curious about what everyone is saying about him, especially since I have actually mentioned him by name on a FB status, and I do not have the heart to tell him that I only refer to him as a nameless "date" on a blog and do not speak of him outloud otherwise. I'm just not sure he would understand that to say it out loud to those around me makes it real and therefore something that can crush me if/when it ends.

I know in some level he would because he was hurt deeply by his ex, but I can see none of that on his face-ever. Each time we are together, either in person or on the phone or online, he is fully there, ya know.  No holding back, no games, no subterfuge-just him and his honesty. Now he flirts...Lord does that man flirt...and Lord, bless my soul, is he ever good at it...but it feels differently than what I'm used to. I'm used to blatant flirting that is heavily laced with innuendo and propositions, but his is....well, honest and straightforward. Open. There is affection without overt references to sex being bandied about; there are only terms of endearment and questions about my day and plans and occasional "kiss" thrown in for good measure. In fact, the only thing remotely racy about our conversations is the increasing number of times the word "kiss" is thrown around. (Hell, he even says "kiss" before he gets off the phone with me.)  And I am sitting here feeling nervous because I have no words to describe what this feels like and I'm trying desperately to play it off and grown up because it's not like I'm a stupid teenager (although, I know you all probably don't believe it after all the crushes I've had in the past year) and can afford to be so flippant with thoughts and ideas.

While I know that whatever happens I will survive and move on, just as have before and will again, but I'm actually more afraid of getting used to this kind of treatment and always being disappointed if I never receive it again. I actually started to ask him if he was interested in a thing that's happening next month and stopped myself with the thought, "Really, Jamie. You want to ask him about next month. Ya assuming a lot aren't you?" 

This is after knowing that he already said he will run my first 5K with me in May, but I have a hard time counting on that.  It's not that I do not believe him; it's just that it boggles my damn mind. Seriously, guys, why. I mean I met him in November and started emailing and talking on the phone. We had our first date the saturday before Christmas. We just had our third date (AND we all know from past posts that I seem to have a shelf life of around 6 weeks or 3ish dates. Not sure why, but that has been the trend.) and I think I'm waiting for the shoe to drop and each day it doesn't I'm not sure whether to breath a sigh of relief and do a happy dance or just keep my fingers crossed.

I know...I know..I'm thinking WAY too much about all of this shit and I should give it a rest, get some sleep and just relax...easy for you to say, Paco. You don't have to worry about the weird fluttery feeling you get thinking about some really sweet and extremely handsome man with excellent hands and very, very muscled abs(Oh yes, hand on fat, pudge, anything...just very hard, solid muscle. Whoa...) And how the more excited you get when his name pops up on the phone or online the more nervous you get and how stupid it all sounds-even when it's just said in your own head. I mean, Hallmark doesn't make a "I like you and it scares the mortal hell out of me because I just can't think of any reason why I should get to keep you even tough I have no idea why I'd even have a single thought about keeping anyone this soon after us meeting" card. Good God I'm nurotic tonight..


This is what happens when I can't sleep!!! I toss. I turn. I starting thinking and then I can't turn my fucking brain off!! Holy hell!!  I'm fucking going to bed....

PS-Just to let you guys know, i'm pretty sure this all spurred from the possibility of us going a group outing this weekend. Me and my two & him and his one. I keep thinking that either sometime this week (in a panic of "OMG her kids that might be too serious") or next week (in a panic of "OMG her kids are wild and I can't deal") the death knell will sound and that will be all she wrote...sigh.......damn, I really AM going to bed this time.

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