Non-mushy Catch Up

I know that I've had a WHOLE lot to say about my Colombian and not so much to say about anything else lately. Sorry about that. Since I'm spending my weekend sans soccer player, I will take this time to fill all of you guys in on the goings on of me. 

The biggest thing would be my new job.  Can I just tell you guys how surprised I am that I actually like teaching Jr. High? Seriously. The seventh graders are just cute and still easily molded into whatever I want. I have NEVER been so "yes ma'am ed" in my life. I'm also lucky that I like my boss. He is a super principal and when he says, "Do whatever you feel like you need to do and I will back your play" I absolutely believe him. Love it!

I'm struggling with the idea of "where will I or should I be" still. or maybe it's again. No, no. I think it is still.  Since my job is only until May I am a bit worried about where I will be next year. Now, my boss's secretary has already voiced her opinion on the matter and wants me at Magnolia next year. While I'm down for that, I also hear there will be openings at JC in the English department, which is actually my total dream job. OK, after being a full time writer or just a person who gets paid insanely obscene amounts of money to read books all day, that is. Anyway, I've wanted to end up at a juco since I was a juco student back-in-the-day. I mean, it's more freedom that high school, but no "publish or perish" pressure. It's the perfect happy medium!

There are two things that totally poo-poo on those two ideas...ONE: I never wanted to ever live in this God forsaken town and area again (To those from this are, sorry, but I have to be honest. I hated growing up here).  TWO: the whole issue of being 3 hours from this certain beautiful and amazingly sexy Colombian (Sorry, I guess he HAD to make an appearance. I mean, if we always live 3 hours away from each other will we ever progress past the "rose colored glasses" phase and into reality? For real, guys, he thinks I'm funny and perfect so reality has just NOT set in at all; plus, I'm still waiting for something to be wrong with him. Well, something other than him thinking I'm funny and perfect. ;)  ).

Of course, I still feel all shaky after last year's total FUBAR set of interviews where I wasn't able to score a single job. That just can't happen this year!!! I will NOT live with the parents for another year. I just won't. I need to detox and reprogram my children. I need to find my bearings as a mother and an independent woman again. Plus, let's all be honest here, I'm ready to not feel like a total loser because I'm 33 years old and live with my freaking parents. I also need a bit of space from MJ. Really.

While I have decided to litter the world with my resume from the Coast, across LA (lower Alabama), west Florida, and north to the Atlanta area. Good grief, some great job should be available to me with all of those places covered. Right?

I did apply for a very cool juco job pre-Colombian and it would be even cooler to get it now since I'd be so close to him with that job. We will just have to see what shakes out. I must say that my frugal (cheap) side feels the most comfortable with the coastal jobs so I can live in this house for all but free. (Pop is retiring in August and will move him and MJ somewhere, but where jut depends on what he plans to do.) But that still make me a bit blech because of the whole distance thing. Here again, I'm still thinking that whatever will be will be. Right?! I mean, at least there would be room for him and D to come for the weekend and hang out with us. OK, I'm stopping. I have to stop. I just can't think about it right now because it's silly.

Anyway...I guess the moral of the story is that I am begin proactive in finding my place in the world, but I'm still totally unsure of where it is. However, at least I'm more willing to look now and I will have some money saved up so the idea of moving doesn't make me half as queasy as it did last year.

Light your candles fellas. Say a few prayers. Throw some salt. Or feel free to engage in any other Deity inspiring activity that will send positive energy and vibes my way. Please and thank you in advance. 

Applications and Jobs

I can't even tell you guys how many freaking applications I've filed out, how many resumes I've sent out, or how many times I'm crossed my fucking fingers to get a job that I inevitably do not get.

Here's the thing...I have paid my own way since I was 21. Apartment. Car. Food. Incidentals. Everything. Now, my parents would throw a bit of gas money my way if I visited home for a random weekend  (Ok, so that's usually HOW they got me home-the promise of money. Don't judge; I worked all the time and had to be compensated.), but all-in-all I was self sufficient.  And while I would occasionally throw a pity party for myself when I'd go to work and miss out on something fun my friends, who weren't self-sufficient, were doing that night. it never lasted too long because even then I realized that it would pay off in the long run...and I was proud that I could take care of myself. 

THEN I married a man who was terrible with money. Terrible. Awful. Horrible. Total Suck! Y'all I didn't even know what a bounced check notification letter looked like until I married him. I think it took 6 months to see my first one. By the time I was given full run of the finances (Yep, the one that still must count on fingers to add and subtract was given full responsibility for all money. Nice huh?), not only were they in a shambles, but he had quit his job and moved to Phoenix to wait tables. Hence, he made almost zero money. I lived 3 hours away, busting my ass and trying to figure out a way to get hired at a school in Phoenix-and also trying to get HIM hired as a teacher in Phoenix, which he was totally uninterested in being for some reason. However, I somehow always made it work. No matter how much or how little, I always figured out how to make everything work. Now, I will admit that it mainly consisted of me doing without anything I wanted so everyone else could get spoiled (and God knows he had to have a 12 pack of beer every fucking night), but I truly thought of it as "doing what I had to do." I could do without and not fly into a total rage or having a nervous breakdown so I did. Did I complain? Occasionally, but it's not like it ever mattered.  I even got two extra gigs teaching adjunct classes online so I didn't have to work quite as hard making pennies stretch.

And can I ever make pennies stretch!!! Trust me...I'm good.

Anyway, this whole "waiting for a full time gig" while working two part time gigs is starting to wear thin. Thin I tell you! I miss the days of being self-sufficient. I miss the days of everything around me being mine. I miss not having to share and not feeling guilty if I don't feel like cleaning the kitchen.

I mean, I'm trying to keep positive and keep the belief that there is something out there for me and me alone and it will totally work out for me alive in my heart...but my friends, I'm being rubbed raw by my current adventures in limbo.

The only thing really getting me through is knowing my Pop understands the pride in my soul that screams and rages at its bonds each time I have to ask for help, or money, or anything at all. He understands because he is the one who molded the pride of my self sufficiency in me.

Perhaps it's just PMS that has gotten me going, but I talked to a guy on Monday that told me he'd contact me for an interview as soon as he was given all the applications and I still haven't gotten a phone call. I think I might can wait until Friday to call again (it would be call number 3 total), but I'm terrified of looking too desperate. (Now we all know I am, but does he really need to know?) 

I'm really just looking for a bit of good luck because I think the Good Luck Fairly lost my fucking address. If anyone sees her please send her to me...please.

Begining at the Begining Again

Operation Self-Esteem--Day Fucking One.
(Elizabeth Gilbert)

Yep, I think I have finally hit the self-analysis wall. Actually, I slammed into it head first, rubbed up against it like a cat, and just- kept- beating- my- head- against- the- stupid- ass- fucking- wall! So, now hopefully all of that is out of my system for a minute and perhaps, it is time to back off and take stock of life as it stands.

I have a job. It may not start until October, but at least I know that I have one. And that interview really boosted my confidence so I'm willing to look into other options that start before October.

I'm not yet the size I want to be and I didn't meet the goal I set in January; HOWEVER, I am numerous inches smaller in most of the areas I wanted to shrink. I'm also pretty proud of the hourglass figure I've achieved and most of the time I feel very Marilyn.

I may not have completed the C25K, but I've decided to start again since I'm in better shape this time than last time I tried. The treadmill is cleaned off for use (since it's too bleeding hot to do it outside) and I even have an app for that on my phone.

My kids aren't the best behaved in the world, but they are cute, polite, listen relatively well, and will be going back to school soon. Did I mention they are cute? Plus they are gong to be way smarter than me so I totally may need to go back to school just so I can keep up.

I might still be living at home, but when Pop graduates from USM (finally) they are going on some trips so I get a bit of a break. Plus, I never have to pay a babysitter when I go to the gym.

I've decided to eliminate all toxic people from my life as much as possible, and if it isn't possible I can at least limit my exposure and how I allow them to effect me and my life.  First and foremost being my ex-husband because he is officially a guest of the state way up in North Mississippi for the next 15 years. I know it sounds strange, but until everything was final I just had this nagging feeling that he could show up at my door. Now, rationally, I know he had no way to do that, but his bail had been lowered and I just couldn't feel totally safe. Not really. Living with my pop has given me the most solace because he would never be dumb enough to face my Dad after what he did; however, I'm sure he's really pissed at me and bound to get even more pissed. (But that's for a later post)

DB told me last night that I need to talk less, do more. Actually that is a paraphrase, but that was the basic thought. She's right, of course, and not just because she is a physiologist and isnt' her job to be right, but because she's known me forever and knows I need to just get out and DO. Do what? Doesn't matter as long as I just get out and do something! I am gong to start a list of things I really want to do in the next year and hopefully I can get them all checked off by the time my year is up.

Most of all I'm going to give myself a break; I just think it is time. Each day, no matter how hard it gets, I'm going to pay myself on the shoulder and congratulate myself on what I have done up to this point. Yep, actually give myself credit for not crawling into the hole I really REALLY wanted to crawl into last year and floating through life letting everyone else take care of me. Good job, Me!

Sick and Tired

I am So freaking sick and fucking tired of filling out applications. Seriously. I'm over it. I am in a constant state of applying for jobs, crossing my fingers, getting rejections letters, and applying for something else.  I'm just sick to death of this shit.

When I became a teacher it was under the understanding that teachers were always needed. Umm, lie! At this point I probably couldn't get a job in the Delta right now. I feel like a pariah or something on the coast and I'm not seeing anything further up. Grr!!!!

And just for the record, filling out teacher applications is different from any other, run-of-the-mill application. You have to basically write down everything in the whole world, or maybe it just seems like a lot since I've worked in so many different fucking schools. (Thanks asshole.)

Maybe I'll take a break from the search, even if it does make me feel like a complete loser to sit at my parents home with my kids and my little part time job. I have totally given up writing in the search for a job of some kind, so maybe I should give up the search and go back to writing.

I know I should be patient, but I really feel like my life is on hold-shelved until further notice with no real way out. This that I have now is a partial life because while I live here I feel like and am treated like a teenager (at least my mom does, my Dad realizes I am an adult and the two moneys in the back are my kids.). I mean, I am constantly surrounded without a moment of alone and quiet. I don't feel like I am able to go anywhere or do anything-with or without the kids. I write and there's either a head hanging over me, reading, or a burning look which accuses me other terrible things. Sigh...

I just want to feel like my life is my own. Like my kids and I can get back to our little groove in the world. We had a good thing going in Hattiesburg, but now the idea of the Burg doesn't feel like home anymore. Trouble is I don't know what WILL feel like home. The Coast isn't home. The Burg isn't home. What IS home? I guess I can make anything home that I want to be home, but I'm not quite sure where that will be. Perhaps home is where I will find a job, but what if I don't find a job?! What if I'm stuck here another year?!

Another year of doing nothing, going nowhere, feeling stuck, feeling squished, and wishing my life would start again.