Just a bit late

So, my first "blogaversary" has come and gone with absolutely no fanfare because, to be honest, I forgot. Oops!

I know that I have been absent for a very long time, but there has been SO much to tell that I had no way to actually tell any of you what is happening. Why?

Because I was afraid it would slip through my fingers before I actually had time to wrap my brain around it all. 

I reread my first post and I'm amazed at the changes that have happened in just one year. http://jamieccouncil-findingbliss.blogspot.com/2010/03/once-upon-time-there-was-little-girl.html

The biggest changes?

ONE: I'm happy. I'm happy when I wake up. I'm happy when I go to sleep. I'm happy when I have to fuss at my kids for not being "good listeners", which happens WAY too often. I'm happy every time in between. In fact, I can't remember the last time I cried and coming from a place where I cried at least once every single day for about two years (one before the fateful "event" and one year after) that is pretty freaking amazing.

TWO: I have fallen totally, completely, amazingly, stupidly, and fabulously in love. Yep. You heard it here. And even more than that, I can absolutely put my finger on the exact moment I knew it. I'll write more about that later, but let's just say it's pretty schmoopy and disgusting. :)  

But... I love him. My kids love him. I love his son. My kids love his son. He loves my kids. And most importantly, he loves me. It's amazing! It also makes me realize how wrong I was for settling for anything less than what this is and what this feels like.  Euphoria. Heaven. Breathing. I can't imagine what life is like without hearing his voice each day, without getting little notes and texts from him at random times, without feeling his arms around me when I finally see him. 

He doesn't create my happiness; he enhances my happiness by listening, supporting, and understanding (or at least trying to) everything I am. he doesn't want me to be anything differently than exactly what and who I am. Hell, guys, he even thinks my damn freckles are beautiful. What's not to freaking love?!

So what's next? Doesn't even matter because he and I will be together when it happens. He wants to marry me...and I can't think of a better way to spend the next 50 years of my life than staring into the eyes and cuddling into the arms of my beautiful Colombian soccer player.

Hope Springs Eternal

So, all of you, faithful few, know that I follow Ms. Single Mom's blog. It's enlightening, relaxing, entertaining, and inspiring. Today she posted about a conversation she had with another Single Mom Friend (SMF) about Elizabeth Gilbert's new book Committed. (For those who do not know Ms. Gilbert's story pick up a copy of Eat, Pray, Love and read it. I've read it pre and post divorce.)
Although both women are in lovely relationships the idea of marriage still makes them a bit shaky and doe-eyed.

She posed the question to all of her followers, wonering what WE all think of the marriage question. Would we want to? What are the expectations you would take into a second marriage?

I actually thought about it. And I decided that I would throw my two cents into the fray and below is what I came up with...

Although it's taken a year of avoiding anything to do with "the M word", but I think I would like to get married again one day. However, I have several thoughts on the subject.

First and foremost, I would never marry so my children could have a father. I would never marry because as a teacher I will always struggle to make ends meet. I would never marry because "seems like the right thing to do". I would never marry someone I absolutly could not live without; instead I would marry someone I would want to live without and would stand beside the 3 of us as one of us and not an addition.

The last time around I searched to find love, support, acceptance, excitement, and a multitude of other things I thought would complete me; however, instead of looking for it in someone else, I have found all of it myself. This time I want not someone to complete me, but someone to compliment me-a warm breeze that makes me smile, not one who fills my sails.

Not too shabby, huh? 

All of that being said, the question on the wind is, "Will that someone ever pop up?" Idon'tknow. I am not on the hunt. I am not searching. I am enjoying the new experience of freedom and being. Just being. No expectations save my own. No true need to search for love outside of my own mirror and the faces of my children and there it is not a search-it is a fact.

Ahhh, but being the helpless romantic that I truely am-Damn, Victorian literature-I think of a time when I will again have someone's should on which to rest my head or someone's arms around me as a sleep. There's a part of my soul that craves it; that begs me to find it, but I think I'll let The Universe take care of that. After all, I gotta take care of Thing1 and Thing2. Oh, and me too! 

The Past Year

Today is May 17th.

In two days, it will be May 19th.

Three Hundred and Sixty-Three days since "that day".

Since that day was so amazingly life changing, I thought I'd reflect on just what these past 363 days have done both TO me and FOR me. 

• It tested my skills as a Mother. Before I have loads of help and support, even if that was just because I was always told I wasn't a very good mother, but the fact remains that I flitted through the first years of my children's lives with minimal fuss or muss and always had the opportunity to "pass off" any disagreeable jobs. Now I have me. Don't get me wrong, when I'm at the end of my rope my parents are right there to boost me back up, but it's still just me. While my kids are fairly well behaved (most days), they are not always angels or quiet or still. However, they say "ma'am" and "sir" and I think that is something special. The rest is nothing that will make them delinquents later in life, so I'm OK with my wild youngins.
• It helped me reestablish Jamie. I didn't realize I had lost her until I no longer had another person demanding I devote every spare second of thought and molecule of energy on him. The first time someone made me laugh I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I'd had a reason to laugh let alone just let loose and laughed. I had been SO wound up in trying desperately try to fix what I knew was broken and dying-just so focused in trying to make HIM happy somehow-that I forgot that MY feelings and MY happiness were never even considered. I dressed how HE wanted me to dress. Did my hair how HE preferred it done. Cooked what HE liked to eat. Went places that HE wanted to go (For any unaware, those are only places that serve beer, which is why I haven't been to the movies in years.) I deferred everything him because he was the one that was emotionally erratic and seemly dissatisfied with anything involving being an adult. (home, family, responsibility, job, etc.) MY wants, needs, desires, feelings, thoughts, opinions, likes, dislikes, tastes were pushed aside by me, at the same time they were deemed unimportant by him.  SO, these past 363 days I have gotten to unpack my wants, needs, desires, feelings, thoughts, opinions, likes, dislikes, tastes and dust them off from seven years of disuse. It's been eye-opening to spend bits of time rustling through all of it; I really am nothing now like the person I was then. I feel I should reintroduce myself to those who only know me from that time. Hell, no wonder I was "encouraged" to not see or contact my old friends or family members. You guys, wouldn't have recognized me! I was kinda like the Zombie version of Jamie or submissive Barbie Jamie. NO good! The BIGGEST thing I've found I like...is ME!!!
• It allowed me the opportunity to re find my dreams. Once upon a time I wrote silly stories and poems as they popped into my brain. I've always referred to it as an itchy feeling in my brain and the only relief I get from that feeling is to write out the itch. (I really thought I was crazy until my Dad told me the the exact same thing happens to him-down to describing it as an itch. Wild.) I even remember writing "Write a novel" on my 25 Things to Do list I made in Mrs. Ladner's Oral Communications class my Senior year. Unfortunately, I married someone who people thought was creative, but wasn't. In fact, he was always jealous of it. Between that jealousy and my personal deprivation, my itches gradually dwindled into oblivion. Gone. Nada. Nothing. I wanted them, but could not conjure up the simplest idea, let alone flesh anything out. I felt empty-drained of what I can only describe as a twinkle.  Strangely enough, when the initial haze of disbelief cleared it all came back to me. And let me just say, it freaking FLOODED my brain. I started this blog to help with the overflow of ideas, but I think there are no less than nine different folders on my computers containing, what I believe are good idea and snippets of research. Now I'm just wondering how I will ever get everything written with all the free time I have...buahahahahahaha. I'm just glad to have it back.
• It brought me back into the fold of my family and friends. You see, he wasn't a fan of anyone HE didn't personally bring into our circle of friends. If they were my friends first there was always something wrong with them. Except my Theta Sisters, he knew better than to talk shit about them; it was just friends I tried to make after we were married. this past year has definitely taught me who my real friends are and who really loves me. I mean, actions speak louder than words and I got the intended message loud and clear from a few I thought were buddies of mine.

I think the most important lesson I've learned is that I am way more capable, talented, beautiful, intelligent, and amazing than I thought I could ever be...and All I really did to accomplish it was get shed of a husband. Who knew?!