Wanting What You Don't Have

I am so pissed off right now I almost can't see straight. For real; I'm not kidding. Oh, you guys will be too, just as son as I tell you the latest in the fucked up saga that surrounds anything to do with ex's fucked up family. AAAAKKKK!!!!!

Anyway, just a bit of background....

whathisname's "father" left his mom when he was around 10ish and had no actual relationship with him. Zero. Nada. Nothing. I was the one who encouraged the ex to get back in touch with the "father" because I thought it was a good idea. I'm not sure anymore.

The "father" lives maybe 20 minutes from my house. 20. Two-Zero. Twenty. That's it. Has that man, or his wife (Note-not the ex's mom) darkened the door of my home? Nope. They came to Cait's birthday party and to Tristan's birthday party. No phone calls. No cards. Nothing.

Well, perhaps not nothing...occasionally I get a message on FB from the "stepmom"-written in all caps-which I begrudgingly answer because it is usually heavy with guilt trip sauce...and I don't tolerate guilt trip shit from MJ so why would I tolorate it from someone else? I mean really people.

Anyway, I got a box via the US postal service today from, guess who...that's write. It was from them. The box is full of Christmas presents for the kids.

That's right, FF, those assholes could not even be bothered to drive 20 fucking minutes to come see my children and hand them their gifts in person. Nope, they mailed them.

Did I mention they live 20 minutes away?

Did I also mention that ex's Mom lives further away and drives to my house almost every time she is off work to come visit the kids? She usually only gets one day off a week, and she spends at least a few hours of it with those babies because they are important to her. Because of that, anytime we are anywhere near where she works we stop by and visit for a few minutes. I make an effort because SHE makes an effort.

If she isn't able to come by for a couple of weeks, she calls for a general update. Ok, so most of the time it's after she's around a 6 pack in so it's a short, but interesting conversation, but she tries.

What do I get from the others? Not a goshdamn thing. Actually, damn near less than that even.

Do they expect me to drive to their house, while they sit in their recliners, chain smoking in front of my children? Umm, yeah, NO! If my children are SOO important you can make an effort, therefore I will make an effort.

Now, I should know better because they never came to our house when we were married, so why us not being married anymore should make things any different, but...dammit! It just pisses me the fuck off.

And you know what, I bet they talk about me like I'm dog-shit because I do not go over there and visit with them. Once again, I bring up the smoke the billows out of the house when they open the door. Every time we took the kids as babies they cried the entire time and ended up with a cold because of the smoke. Plus, I have nothing-nothing-nothing-NOTHING in common with either one of those people, except the kids. I'm not all about a social call. I'm not about a "let's catch up". I don't really know them and from whe I can tell they don't really want to know anything about my kids.

Pop says to let it go and to not worry about them becasue the kids have plenty of grandparents. And I know I should, but it just gets in my crawl that those people are treating my babies like second class citizens that aren't worth thier time enough to come visit.

I know how that feels. I've been treated like that by MJ's mother since I was 11. (Don't ask, I still do not know what an 11yr old does to become oustrasized by her own grandmother. However, suffice to say neither me or my sister are, were, or ever will be the "Golden Grandchildren" that she gives two shits about.) And I didin't have anohter grandmother to pick up the slack. I was just grandparentless and I always felt like there was a huge, gaping hole in my soul where something should have been and wasn't. The idea that this person genetically bonded to me disliked me to such a degree that I didn't matter to them. I don't want the kids to feel that way. To feel slighted. My parents (along with ex's mom and my brother-in-laws parents) will defintely take up any slack, but I'm afraid as they get bigger they will always earn for that thing they will never get-just as I always have. The acceptance and love of those people who could fucking care less.

I mean, tell me a single person who would not just love these faces so much they wouldn't want to see them as much as possible....

Pops's right (as usual), screw them..my kids ROCK!!

Bags Galore: A Virtual Party

My sister, who is the Princess of shopping with MJ being the Queen of all things shopping, never ceases to amaze me. I swear every time I talk to her or go visit her I am introduced to yet another product or store that I cannot live without.

Seriously! She introduced me to Swatch watches and  Guess jeans when I was a kid and took me into my first Old Navy when I was in college. I guess begin older than me and living in the big ATL has some serious advantages.  

So once again, my sister has shown me a new line of bags that I want in every style and every color. Thirty-One Gifts....

Ahhh, I wish I were rich instead of cute... (hee hee)

Anyway, you guys should all hope on over to Thirty-One Gifts and take a look because I just KNOW that someone in your lives would kill to have an insulated lunch bag, make-up bag, tote, or any one of the other wonderful bags available. I mean, what girl does NOT love bags!! (I know I do and for that matter, so does my Cait.)

In fact.... my lovely sister is having a virtual party at Thirty-One Gifts. Anyone who orders $31 worth of these fabulous bags will receive a gift of a hard case wallet. Plus, almost all of them can be skipped directly to you or the person in your life who LOVES bags by Christmas! Great deal, huh?! (especially for those of you who hate to get out in the hustle and bustle of the shopping crowds. You know who you are!)

I not only encourage you guys to shop under her PARTY I really, really want you guys to.

Spread the word to your friends and family members. Seriously, it's a win-win. You guys get a fabulous bag and wallet and my sis gets a  few goodies for herself. (She's known to spread the love around to yours truly, AKA, her favorite sister.) 

Check it out and enjoy shopping!!

Sticking it to the BBC

Accordingg to the BBC,  most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books listed here. I'd just like to say that not only have I read more, but I'm an American who's read more than 6.

Ha, so THERE!


Stick that is your pipe and smoke it!

Anyway, see how you guys measure up so we can all prove them wrong...

• Copy this list.


• Bold those books you’ve read in their entirety.


• Italicize the ones you started but didn’t finish or read only an excerpt.



1.Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen


2.The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien (I know, flog me for this NOT being in bold.)


3.Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte


4.Harry Potter series – JK Rowling


5.To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee


6.The Bible When I went from Baptist to Catholic, I read to find all of the passages and books that I hadn't seen up to age 12. For those wo do not know there are differences...Oh yeah. Ole King James and his people took out a bunch of stuff.)


7.Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte


8.Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell (FAV!!)


9.His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman


10.Great Expectations – Charles Dickens


11.Little Women – Louisa M Alcott*


12.Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy


13.Catch 22 – Joseph Heller ( I was 14 and didn't get it. Sue for not getting back around to it yet.)


14.Complete Works of Shakespeare


15.Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier


16.The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien


17.Birdsong – Sebastian Faulk


18.Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger


19.The Time Traveler’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger


20.Middlemarch – George Eliot


21.Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell


22.The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald


23.War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy


24.The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams


25.Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh


26.Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky


27.Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck


28.Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll


29.The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame


30.Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy (It's on my Kindle awaiting me.)


31.David Copperfield – Charles Dickens*


32.Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis (Yep, another reason to beat me.)


33.Emma -Jane Austen


34.Persuasion – Jane Austen


35.The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe – CS Lewis


36.The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini


37.Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Bernieres


38.Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden


39.Winnie the Pooh – A.A. Milne


40.Animal Farm – George Orwell


41.The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown


42.One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez


43.A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving


44.The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins


45.Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery


46.Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy


47.The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood


48.Lord of the Flies – William Golding


49.Atonement – Ian McEwan


50.Life of Pi – Yann Martel


51.Dune – Frank Herbert


52.Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons


53.Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen


54.A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth


55.The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon


56.A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens


57.Brave New World – Aldous Huxley


58.The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon


59.Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez


60.Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck


61.Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov (Waiting for me on my Kindle.)


62.The Secret History – Donna Tartt


63.The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold


64.Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas (Can I add that I read it in French for extra credit.)


65.On The Road – Jack Kerouac


66.Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy


67.Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding


68.Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie


69.Moby Dick – Herman Melville


70.Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens


71.Dracula – Bram Stoker


72.The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett


73.Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson


74.Ulysses – James Joyce (Don't feel the need to ever finish this one. Really.)


75.The Inferno – Dante


76.Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome


77.Germinal – Emile Zola


78.Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray


79.Possession – AS Byatt


80.Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens*


81.Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell


82.The Color Purple – Alice Walker (ALL time favorite!!)


83.The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro


84.Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert


85.A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry


86.Charlotte’s Web – E.B. White


87.The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom


88.Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle


89.The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton


90.Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad


91.The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery


92.The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks


93.Watership Down – Richard Adams


94.A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole (Should have read it for Southern  lit, but wasn't a fan so it didn't get finished.)


95.A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute


96.The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas


97.Hamlet – William Shakespeare


98.Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl


99.Les Miserables – Victor Hugo (Bonus points once again for reading it in French. Just saying.)


100.??? (For you observant types, yes the list does appear to be missing book no. 100)


What can I say...I'm a huge, phenomenal dork. And perhaps I read too much...what do you guys think?


How do you guys measure up?

I Stand Corrected

Do you how I have said over and over and over that I hate roses, especially red ones? Umm, I have to officially retract that statement.

While they will probably never be my favorite in the world, I received a red rose last night and it was undoubtedly the sweetest gesture I have ever witness on a first date.

I found myself both preening like a peacock and blushing furiously at the same time.

Most of the time when roses are presented it seems very contrived, and while it may be typical for him, it didn't feel like it. It felt like he actually wanted to make the effort to make me smile. I like that.

I guess roses aren't so bad after all.  

Feeling Better

Yeah, so I'm feeling better today; sorry about the complete and total meltdown.  

Not that it wasn't totally warranted and I'm somehow not allowed to completely lose my shit whenever I want, but I do try to keep my crazy at a minimum.

Really, I do. Promise.

And tonight I'm going out with a friend and I will have a great time and tomorrow the kids and I are going to Pensacola to hang out with D and bake cookies. Next week I get to chill with the family.

Recharging my soul with my peeps will be just the ticket.

I'll Never Understand

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck....sigh damn.

So sorry, usually I give you guys a warning before I launch into a tirade, but I'm all about being honest. This is my honest right now.

Why is it that when a guy has a kid it's all wonderful and precious, but a girl has a kid it's scary? Huh? Why? I swear I will never in my whole damn life understand this stupid guy/dating shit. I mean wtf?!

You talk for hours and say they like you and then...nothing.

Or decide they aren't ready for "kids in my life" right now.

Ummm, did I mistakenly ask someone to marry me? Oh wait...NO. No, I didn't.

In fact, I haven't asked a goddamn person to take care of me or my kids because they are mine and mine ALONE.  (A fact I am very fucking aware of thankyouveryfuckingmuch.)

Now I believe the women who give away or hurt their children because the new men in their lives are lower than low-more deplorable than Hitler skinning a baby seal with an elephant tusk knife. However, after the handful of dates I've had in the past sixish months,  the complete hopelessness that crossed their weak little minds must have been numbing and overwhelming.

Sometimes it is for me, but I swallow it down. I get it out of my brain and my heart because I will not let it defeat me. I can't. 

But it does get me down sometimes times, guys. It really does.

And in case you didn't notice...today is one of those times.

In Honor of Being Sneaky

I have been racking my brain since I signed up for my friend's blogfest at Cerebral Lunchbox to figure out exactly what to write about. You see, we are supposed to write about a time when we screwed someone over (or got screwed over ourselves) in honor of just how badly the native Americans were screwed over when the first "pale face" stepped foot off a boat.

Ahhh...that was a fine bit of nasty sneakiness wasn't it?

Of course, I totally feel remorseless because every person who would create the future genetics of me were either chillin in Ireland or being of the screwed over Choctaws. Therefore, I can SO talk all the shit I want.

But I believe I digress...I still have to think of something witty and creatively intelligent to say about being screwed over. Grrrr... So here's the thing, I started this blog because I was screwed over. Like Royally So! (If you are new here I really don't want to go into it but feel free to rifle through old posts to hear all about whatshisname and all of the fun we had while married. Whoa palatable sarcasm. Too much?) Anyway...

Since I can conjure up any examples of a time when I deliberately screwed someone over in a malicious way (I'm one of those people that's just too damn nice for her own good. It's disgusting really.) I figured I'd talk about how I subtly subject my little children to being screwed over in small amount each day. (Having half of my genes they too, are too nice for their own good too.)

Now, before anyone calls DHS on me, just read on because it's more about being sneaky than really being mean...because it's all about leaving the house.

You see my babies tend towards being Mommy Clingy (even now I'm typing this one handed because Cait is laying beside me holding my hand. Not hating, just saying.) and the love to go places. They love riding in cars (I'm so thankful they are good trip takers, but I think that's another post). They love going shopping They love people watching. Basically, it's obvious that we share genetics because I'm the same way, I just like to go and be out. Now most of the time I take them wherever I go, but there are times when Mommy needs a break. A Break, do you hear me?! 

I have never never never understood those "Martyr Mommies" that insist that they love to live for their children's every waking moment and breathe. Seriously? Did you just move here from Stepford or are you diseased? Don't get too close I'm afraid whatever it is you have will rub off on me and I will forget how to be Jamie. Personally, I think they are lying because they think that's what woman/mommies are supposed to do. Yeah, umm not so much here...Anywhoo, I digress yet again, sorry...

So back to my break. I do not get them very often, but when I do I am ready and out the door in 5 minutes flat!!! I do not want to waste a single second to sweet freedom and quiet, but I am almost always left with the problem of how to get out of the door unnoticed. Now Tuesday nights, when I have class, they are nonplussed about me leaving then because they know that mommy works on that night, but any other time I have tiny tots scrambling for shoes and trying to barricade the door by the time I get there. "I go. I go!!" Sigh

How do I get them out of the way so I can sneak out and enjoy my time alone? Oh, I'm a total sneak and, thankfully, my parents share this trait and have no problem with bribery. I usually send them into the den under the guise of "Poppa has a treat for you guys" and as soon as they round the corner to the den, I silently slide out the door.

Now it doesn't always work and there have been times I have left them yelling and banging on the door, and yes, as a matter of fact, I can here them as I walk to the car. And yes, I do continue to walk to the car. Why?

Three reasons:

1. My parents will bribe them with candy or food to make them stop.
2. They will be over it and be completely fine in 60 seconds.
3. By the time I'm willing to leave without distraction, I need to go. Seriously. Need. To. Go.

Does this make the world's worst Mommy? While so many think so, I tend to belive that perserving my sanity makes me a much better Mommy...sneakiness and all.  

A Friend's Happiness

I awoke to some of the best news that has absolutely does not involve me in anyway at all!  My sorority sister got engaged last night!

(Isn't she precious?!)

Now, she isn't just a sorority sister though, she and I have gone to school together since I was in first grade AND we played softball together when we were 5...I have known this girl for a minute!!

She had one of those wonderfully successful "right out of college" like I did, but she was smart enough to leave WAY before I did. She and her little man have been a two person family since he was 15 months old-now he's six.

She was the first to reach out and lift me out of my personal despair when I thought I'd never be able to survive begin a single mom. In fact, she probably would have helped me become a single mom way before I did had I been "allowed" to hang out with my Thetas more. (You just can't hide misery from the ones that know you best.)

Anyway, she was also the first to show me that a single mom could find love and happiness with someone new...that fairly tales really did happen. Until then I wasn't really certain it was possible.

However...

around, this time last year we heard all about this guy she met. Suddenly this woman who had been contentedly single was considering coupledom. Now, the road wasn't exactly easy because when you put two people who had been broken in the past there are all sorts of hurdles and repairs to be made before you become brave enough to walk that wire again, but we could all tell that those two particular broken hearts could only be healed when they were stitched together.

They just seemed to fit and be happier together then they could ever be apart.

So, last night they had a nice little night out with friends and the most wonderful thing happened...but I've told you about that already.

Congratulations to the wonderful new engaged couple. May the years be long, happy, and smooth because you both deserve it!!!!!

Thing 1's Journey

So, I've talked about the recent struggles that T has been having in school lately and you guys have been very outspoken and supportive. Thank you.

He was suspended from school yesterday for the same behavior from the last time I blogged about him (he did it on Monday and Tuesday, which is why he was suspended on Wednesday) and, at the suggestion of my sister, I went ahead and and took him to the doctor yesterday while he was "out".

To be fair, he also has had a cough for a few days too.

So, we went to the doctor (a new pediatrician too, but I did make sure I picked the woman since he's more comfy with women than men.). I promised no shots so he was more than willing to go.

He instantly loved the nurse (There is something my son LOVES about black women and blonds. What/ It's true!!) Anyway, the doctor came in and he loved her too. (Perhaps it was the blond highlights, idk.)

She checked his breathing, among other things, and gave me a proscription for his sinus, beginning bronchitis cough....

then I had her check out his face where my sister's fucking dog bit him...ON THE FACE! (Kim, I'm sorry but that dog is going to die when I see him next. Just saying. I'd kennel him for Christmas if you want him to live.)  Anyway, I wanted to see what I could put on the developing scar to minimize it. Seriously, I'm very excited about the keloid that is developing. Really. Thank you genetics that  get nothing, am I mean absolutely nothing (not a tan, not the beautiful think, black hair)  from my Indian blood except the whole keloid scar thing...and then my son gets it too-on his face. Fucking Really??!! Thanks....that rocks....sigh

Anywhooo. I ended the visit with this jem of communication brilliance, "I know he's only four, but, I mean, he's really having trouble in school and at home."

She listened as I went into greater detail about some of the "issues" that we've been dealing with, but was not surprised because she had watched this child literally bounce around the room since she walked in. She asked the question I was waiting for..."Is there anyone else in the family that has these issues." Is there?! "Um, me, my dad, his father, my sister's four kids, my sister, my aunts, a majority of my cousins...and almost all of them/us are medicated in some way for it."

So, she gave me an evaluation to fill out and one for his teacher to fill out.

There were so many things floating through my head as I read it.

• Almost all of these thing sound like him
• Almost all of these things sound like me
• How sad and overwhelmed my baby must feel a majority of the time
• How much I loath the idea of medicating my baby boy, but desperately want him to have an easier time in school than I had.

While I was never a hyper active kid, I was and still am a fidgeter. Something on my body is always in motion-usually it is my leg or foot. (My kids were never really rocked to sleep as babies; they were lulled to sleep by my leg shake-think metronome.)

I would also miss chucks of information because my mind would drift away either in a daydream or get distracted watching out the window. Now, I certainly never admitted to that because I thought my Pop would kill me for goofing off in class and it was never noticed because I was a good kid that never was any trouble and my grades were good. (I always doubled my efforts and learned the information I missed myself so I could keep my grades up.)

My real problems were manifested in anxiety.

I also didn't know that I had a problem with anxiety until I was pregnant with Caitlin. I really always thought that everyone would get severe stomach aches (and occasionally either gag or throw up) anytime they had a test, exam, speech, project, or was called on in class to answer a question. Normal people would get overwhelmed with the thought of every single worst case scenario anytime they left the house right? Maybe  the entire body physically shaking and and overwhelming "bad feeling" about things might have been a bit odd, but my whole family tends to be "high strung" so it's a family thing, but everything else is pretty standard.

Well, it turns out that no, no it's really not normal.

Go figure.

And each time T would display "Jamie" tendencies I would just say, "Poor thing, he's so much like me."

Now, after I finally was told-no, I did not come to this realization myself, I had to be TOLD- I began looking at my child differently. It made makes me sad that he has this same shadow over his head that dims every situation and makes it almost impossible to fully enjoy life.

This is why when asked if I'd ever consider coming off of lexapro I say, "Are you fucking kidding? Hell no!"

Since being medicated myself I love my life. I can taste the highs and lows, savouring each flavor without it spoiling everything else. Now I may be given the opportunity to give T that same gift, the gift of calm. The gift of feeling sane and normal all the time. The gift of not choking on constant fear of people, situations, success, failure, and everything in between.



Is it worth it? Until he's old enough to make the choice for himself...yeah, I think it just might be worth it.

Not too Bad

So, MJ (not MY MJ, but my FF MJ) told me I should totally post pictures of me in my new jeans. They are the best pics in the world, but you definitely get the general idea.


I'm SO almost to my goal!!! 

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.4

Damn Right!

Since MJ finally got home from Jackson, I slipped out f the house for a little quiet Jamie time this afternoon. I had nowhere in particular in mind to go, but I was just happy to be unencumbered and alone in the world.

Now I noticed as I got dressed for my outing that my top seemed a bit less fitted than before and my jeans were just big. Now these are the jeans I bought in April that were a bit snug in the waist, but fit in the legs. Right now I can pull these suckers on and off without unbuttoning them-straight out of the dryer no less.

So walking around I began to feel kinda frumpy because I kept having to pull them up and the bagginess was actually making me look bigger. (Not a good thing since I've been feeling a bit delicate for the past few days anyway.) I even found a pair of boots I liked, but they just looked totally off with the pants I was wearing; just wrong.

SOOOO, I decided to try on some new pants.  

Now, to be perfectly honest, I didn't think they'd fit. Seriously. I mean , I've learned that just because one size pants are baggy absolutely does NOT mean the next size down will fit. Women's sizes are just retarded like that.

I walked into the store and headed straight for the sales rack and found 5 pairs of jeans on the rack. *sigh* Five. I wasn't feeling very optimistic since the first pair I touched were not just big, but BIG, if ya know what I mean. The next pair were bigger than me too. The third pair were the wrong color-sorry I do not like light colored jeans. And, yes, I can afford to be the picky; it'd be MY ass that looks huge, people.

So, four was my magic number because it was the size I needed. it was so cool to pick up that pair of pants and carry them back to the dressing room...again, not actually thinking they would fit, but hoping. However, I was not hoping enough that my fingers were crossed or anything. I was just willing to accept whatever happened in the dressing room-otherwise known as the outer rim of hell.  

Legs in...they were much closer fitting than the ones I just took off so I figured they'd stop at my hips.

Oh, get out they slid right over my hips without even a wiggle. Score!

Ok, so I do have to suck in a skosh to button them, but it was worth it. Why? Because I'm telling you guys that my legs and my butt looked good on those pants. Plus, do you know how long it's been since I've slipped on a pair of size 16 jeans, people?

Conservatively, I'd say since about 2001. Yep, 9 years since I've had my butt comfortably in a pair of jeans that size. Hummm, excuse me for a moment, I have to do a celebratory happy dance now....







almost done.....






not quite done yet.......






Ahhhh, ok. I think I'm finished, at least for the time being, but I can't promise I won't randomly break into crazy dance moves in the near future. I'm just excited...and I think I wanna go put them on again.

Oh,and just so you guys know...I have NO idea how I am managing this whole shrinkage thing, but I'm going to enjoy, embrace, and accept it...and possibly help it along on purpose.

The Field Trip That Wasn't

Today was supposed to be Tristan's first ever real field trip. He was supposed to go to the aquarium in New Orleans and the IMax with the entire school.(In truth, I was nervous about him going because I felt he was a bit too young to go on a field trip so far away fromhome, but I didn't want my nervous nature to keep him from doing things with his class. I had an even worse feeling about it when I woke up to rain, but was determined to still let him go. It's only fair, right?!) Did he go? No. Why? Umm, let me tell you...

It was a pretty good morning, despite the fact that it was dark and rainy and we had to leave the house about the time we are usually getting dressed for school. However, I'm a stickler for being on time, so by God, we were early.

I pulled under the overhang to let T out of the car and was met by two of the older kid's teachers. I thought they were the "car greeters" this morning, but I was wrong.

"Are you going with us today?'
"No, sorry, I can't" (I was going to go until my aunt went into the hospital again and I had no one to keep Cait, but it's not like I had to explain myself to a teacher who's name I don't even know. Right?)
"You need to."
I looked at this woman expecting to see something in her face that told me how fun it would be or how special it is to experience the first field trip and once again, I was wrong.

Suddenly both teachers began to go into how T having "one of his tantrums" would just ruin the whole trip for everyone and describing each interacting they have ever had with T that was negative.

T instantly had THAT look on his face-I know it well. Being a little Leo (and yes, as a matter of fact, it does matter, I was raised by 2 damn Leos.) he cannot deal with embarrassment at all. And boy was he embarrassed. So was I. I mean, I was being told how terrible my son was.

Well, public embarrassment and those teachers standing right in front of him, blocking the entrance to the building, and mommy being totally ineffectual and not wanting to be the "not MY child" parent (I know how he is, but he's only 4, for God's sake) I caved and did exactly what they seemed to want  me to do. I put my child back in the car, as he was just starting to melt down, and drove home. No field trip for T today.

I am hurt, angry, embarrassed, and sad that my child seems to be so thoroughly discussed in a negative way among the teachers (they were continuing to bitch about him while I was talking to T; I have really good "teacher" hearing) and that I haven't been as apprised of the situation as thoroughly (his teacher is always so positive and just "it was a bad day" when he doesn't get a green face). Don't get me wrong, I know how my child is. Seriously. He can be obstinate, but he's also extremely loving and loads of fun when handled the correct way. (And let me just say here that, as a teacher, I recognize a teachers who talk AT students instead of TO students. Just saying.)

So, we are at home today, curled up on the couch, both licking our respective wounds from this morning. I have to concentrate on not takign my hurt out on him and just teachign him that he must always be respectful and obedient, even when he may not want to be. I think Mommy should learn how not to be those things when she doesn't have to be.

I will probably never get over the fact that I cried over this today. I will never get over the fact that T cried over this today. I will never got over the fact that T and I were both mad eto feel badly amount him being a hard headed 4 year old, who does have a abandonment and trust issues...damn, people, who wouldn't have them if they'd lead his little life.

T? Oh, he's sharing his breafast (part 2) with his little sister and isn't bothered about not going on the field trip anymore. He may mention it a little later, but it's far from his mind now. Hell, he doesn't even begrudge me for not letting him go.

I sure wish I could forgive and forget like a 4 year old...

Applications and Jobs

I can't even tell you guys how many freaking applications I've filed out, how many resumes I've sent out, or how many times I'm crossed my fucking fingers to get a job that I inevitably do not get.

Here's the thing...I have paid my own way since I was 21. Apartment. Car. Food. Incidentals. Everything. Now, my parents would throw a bit of gas money my way if I visited home for a random weekend  (Ok, so that's usually HOW they got me home-the promise of money. Don't judge; I worked all the time and had to be compensated.), but all-in-all I was self sufficient.  And while I would occasionally throw a pity party for myself when I'd go to work and miss out on something fun my friends, who weren't self-sufficient, were doing that night. it never lasted too long because even then I realized that it would pay off in the long run...and I was proud that I could take care of myself. 

THEN I married a man who was terrible with money. Terrible. Awful. Horrible. Total Suck! Y'all I didn't even know what a bounced check notification letter looked like until I married him. I think it took 6 months to see my first one. By the time I was given full run of the finances (Yep, the one that still must count on fingers to add and subtract was given full responsibility for all money. Nice huh?), not only were they in a shambles, but he had quit his job and moved to Phoenix to wait tables. Hence, he made almost zero money. I lived 3 hours away, busting my ass and trying to figure out a way to get hired at a school in Phoenix-and also trying to get HIM hired as a teacher in Phoenix, which he was totally uninterested in being for some reason. However, I somehow always made it work. No matter how much or how little, I always figured out how to make everything work. Now, I will admit that it mainly consisted of me doing without anything I wanted so everyone else could get spoiled (and God knows he had to have a 12 pack of beer every fucking night), but I truly thought of it as "doing what I had to do." I could do without and not fly into a total rage or having a nervous breakdown so I did. Did I complain? Occasionally, but it's not like it ever mattered.  I even got two extra gigs teaching adjunct classes online so I didn't have to work quite as hard making pennies stretch.

And can I ever make pennies stretch!!! Trust me...I'm good.

Anyway, this whole "waiting for a full time gig" while working two part time gigs is starting to wear thin. Thin I tell you! I miss the days of being self-sufficient. I miss the days of everything around me being mine. I miss not having to share and not feeling guilty if I don't feel like cleaning the kitchen.

I mean, I'm trying to keep positive and keep the belief that there is something out there for me and me alone and it will totally work out for me alive in my heart...but my friends, I'm being rubbed raw by my current adventures in limbo.

The only thing really getting me through is knowing my Pop understands the pride in my soul that screams and rages at its bonds each time I have to ask for help, or money, or anything at all. He understands because he is the one who molded the pride of my self sufficiency in me.

Perhaps it's just PMS that has gotten me going, but I talked to a guy on Monday that told me he'd contact me for an interview as soon as he was given all the applications and I still haven't gotten a phone call. I think I might can wait until Friday to call again (it would be call number 3 total), but I'm terrified of looking too desperate. (Now we all know I am, but does he really need to know?) 

I'm really just looking for a bit of good luck because I think the Good Luck Fairly lost my fucking address. If anyone sees her please send her to me...please.

Parenting

(Please remember I love my kids more than life itself, but sometimes my job as "The Mom" sucks!)

For any of you that do not have children that may be thinking about the whole baby thing OR have babies that are still tiny and want to know some basics...


What are the best things about being a parent?

• the "I love you's"
• the hugs
• the kisses
• the cuddles
• baby breath. (It lasts until around age 3 then brushing the teeth is necessary to prevent stinking breath, not just tooth health.)
• begin able to teach them new things
• learning to make crafts
• coloring together
• giggles
• watching a budding personality develop
• learning to understand their "language"
• listening to the kids play together

Worst thing about being a parent?

• the phone call from the school principal that your 4 yr old is in the office. (yep, that was today)
• the whole not listening thing!!! (that's pretty consistent, unfortunately)
• doing the whole discipline thing. (especially when you are the first, last, and only defence)
• Holding back your laughter when they do something that you have to get onto them for...(everyday)
• picking eating habits
• tantrums (especially when your kids are half your size and almost stronger than you. lol)
• Did I mention the principal calling? sigh...

Unreal

Do you ever get random calls on your phone from unidentified numbers? Yea, we all do, right? Truthfully I don't think about it because I have online students from everywhere and I tell them to feel free to call and leave a message. You see, I don't answer strange numbers.


Well, the past few days I've had a new number pop up, but not a new class. I should know all the numbers that call me. I just figured that whomever it is would eventually leave a message of he/she wanted to talk to me.


Anyway, the strange number totally left a message today...And guess who it was?


Come on, you can do it.


Just a guess...


Give up?


If you guessed my ex-husband you'd be right. Give yourself a cookie. I mean, really, what the Fuck people?! What in the name of hell makes that sonofabitch think I want to talk to him? Besides his obviously delusional state, that is.


How annoying? Not only do I have to get a letter a month, nut now phone calls too?!!!? Now, if I were receiving ANY sort of monetary support, I would be willing to endure some sort of contact, but I'm not now will I ever receive any...so Fuck him.


Seriously, how do I get rid of him? I want all of it to stop. Is everything he did and put me through not enough that must also put up with this shit too? For real? Dammit!!!


Of course, I was chatting with my Aggie friend and asked him to imagine how unbearable he'd make my life if he weren't actually in jail. His reply, "Jamie, you wouldn't have left him if he hadn't gone to jail." Sigh...damn I hate being known so well.

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