The End of a Year

Looking back over this past year and change I am awestruck by my own perseverance. Seriously, I might as well toot my own fucking horn here because just how many people do you know that could have not only survived the past two years of my life, let alone come out smiling....I mean really.

TOOT-TOOT!!!!!!

Anyway, I will begin my saying that I found 2009 to be the shittiest year in recorded history. There are just no accurate words to described the incredibly fucked up nature of that whole year. There are very few people I know who do NOT look at that year with disdain, but I have special reason to hate everything about it...

First, I lose my wonderful Aunt on Christmas Day (so, it was technically 2008, but you will understand in a minute why it all fits together.). Then, exactly 30 days later, on Jan 25th, I lose my Uncle. (It would be terribly romantic if it were people NOT related to me, but it's fucking terrible and depressing when you really love those people.) Then, a few months later, I lose my Godfather, who was also my Great Uncle. 

Can we say my family was having a shitty year and I was about to get worried for my Pop?! I mean REALLY people.

Anyhoo...A few months later I lose my marriage and family until thrusting me into full Single Mom status. Yippymotherfuckingskippy!

The rest of 2009 was spent with me trying desperately to figure out what the fuck I was supposed to do now that I had to start from the begining.

2010 began somehow...I seriously do not remember. Truthfully, I only remember thinking on New Year's Day that I went the whole day without crying and it was the first New Year's Day I hadn't cried in somewhere around 10 years. (Speaking of shitty and fucked up)

This past year was spent trying to navigate the mind-field of living with my parents, (ok, so maybe just my mom-God love her), trying to find a job, and trying to figure out exactly what I want out of life.

Do I know now? Nope.

Am I closer than I was two years ago? Oh hell yeah!!!

So, my New Year's day this year will be spent with a beautiful man who starts each conversation with "Hello gorgeous" or "hello beautiful" and I predict I will not cry this year either.

Tonight I am (besides typing this quickly from another room) hanging out with my bf D and my kiddies. We ate pizza, baked cookies, and have laughed a ton so far. Once the kiddies fall asleep or at least hold still a little while, we will have a drink and gossip about life.

So far, I'm a fan of 2011...

Christmas in the Making

The Christmas PJs have been opened and I'm hoping that the kids will eventually go to bed. Perhaps they will before I fall asleep because I have to be honest, folks...I'm freaking tired!

Sis and I exchanged MJ's gift and then braved WalMart for last minute Christmas dinner items. It wasn't as bad as it should have been, but it was still insane. It made me very glad I've been taking an extra dose of Lexapro for the past few days. I have totally been thinking ahead!

However, it didn't keep me from feeling a bit of stress and calling my sexy Colombian to hear a calm, soothing voice to drown out the crazy rants of, actually, Sis. (Sis has NOT been taking HER medicine at all let alone the extra doses like me.)

Ahhhhh...so, can I tell you all how fluttery I get when I hear, "Helllooooo, how are you babe?! My Jeeemie." (Yes, he pronounces it more Jemie than Jamie, but it's very adorable. Come on, he's Colombian.) I even got a text earlier today that was just a little "thinking of you" note referring to me as "babydoll".

Can we say swoon?! 

Anyway...I have to get Jekyll back in bed for at least the 50th time...G'Night.

Merry Christmas!!!

The Field Trip That Wasn't

Today was supposed to be Tristan's first ever real field trip. He was supposed to go to the aquarium in New Orleans and the IMax with the entire school.(In truth, I was nervous about him going because I felt he was a bit too young to go on a field trip so far away fromhome, but I didn't want my nervous nature to keep him from doing things with his class. I had an even worse feeling about it when I woke up to rain, but was determined to still let him go. It's only fair, right?!) Did he go? No. Why? Umm, let me tell you...

It was a pretty good morning, despite the fact that it was dark and rainy and we had to leave the house about the time we are usually getting dressed for school. However, I'm a stickler for being on time, so by God, we were early.

I pulled under the overhang to let T out of the car and was met by two of the older kid's teachers. I thought they were the "car greeters" this morning, but I was wrong.

"Are you going with us today?'
"No, sorry, I can't" (I was going to go until my aunt went into the hospital again and I had no one to keep Cait, but it's not like I had to explain myself to a teacher who's name I don't even know. Right?)
"You need to."
I looked at this woman expecting to see something in her face that told me how fun it would be or how special it is to experience the first field trip and once again, I was wrong.

Suddenly both teachers began to go into how T having "one of his tantrums" would just ruin the whole trip for everyone and describing each interacting they have ever had with T that was negative.

T instantly had THAT look on his face-I know it well. Being a little Leo (and yes, as a matter of fact, it does matter, I was raised by 2 damn Leos.) he cannot deal with embarrassment at all. And boy was he embarrassed. So was I. I mean, I was being told how terrible my son was.

Well, public embarrassment and those teachers standing right in front of him, blocking the entrance to the building, and mommy being totally ineffectual and not wanting to be the "not MY child" parent (I know how he is, but he's only 4, for God's sake) I caved and did exactly what they seemed to want  me to do. I put my child back in the car, as he was just starting to melt down, and drove home. No field trip for T today.

I am hurt, angry, embarrassed, and sad that my child seems to be so thoroughly discussed in a negative way among the teachers (they were continuing to bitch about him while I was talking to T; I have really good "teacher" hearing) and that I haven't been as apprised of the situation as thoroughly (his teacher is always so positive and just "it was a bad day" when he doesn't get a green face). Don't get me wrong, I know how my child is. Seriously. He can be obstinate, but he's also extremely loving and loads of fun when handled the correct way. (And let me just say here that, as a teacher, I recognize a teachers who talk AT students instead of TO students. Just saying.)

So, we are at home today, curled up on the couch, both licking our respective wounds from this morning. I have to concentrate on not takign my hurt out on him and just teachign him that he must always be respectful and obedient, even when he may not want to be. I think Mommy should learn how not to be those things when she doesn't have to be.

I will probably never get over the fact that I cried over this today. I will never get over the fact that T cried over this today. I will never got over the fact that T and I were both mad eto feel badly amount him being a hard headed 4 year old, who does have a abandonment and trust issues...damn, people, who wouldn't have them if they'd lead his little life.

T? Oh, he's sharing his breafast (part 2) with his little sister and isn't bothered about not going on the field trip anymore. He may mention it a little later, but it's far from his mind now. Hell, he doesn't even begrudge me for not letting him go.

I sure wish I could forgive and forget like a 4 year old...

Parenting

(Please remember I love my kids more than life itself, but sometimes my job as "The Mom" sucks!)

For any of you that do not have children that may be thinking about the whole baby thing OR have babies that are still tiny and want to know some basics...


What are the best things about being a parent?

• the "I love you's"
• the hugs
• the kisses
• the cuddles
• baby breath. (It lasts until around age 3 then brushing the teeth is necessary to prevent stinking breath, not just tooth health.)
• begin able to teach them new things
• learning to make crafts
• coloring together
• giggles
• watching a budding personality develop
• learning to understand their "language"
• listening to the kids play together

Worst thing about being a parent?

• the phone call from the school principal that your 4 yr old is in the office. (yep, that was today)
• the whole not listening thing!!! (that's pretty consistent, unfortunately)
• doing the whole discipline thing. (especially when you are the first, last, and only defence)
• Holding back your laughter when they do something that you have to get onto them for...(everyday)
• picking eating habits
• tantrums (especially when your kids are half your size and almost stronger than you. lol)
• Did I mention the principal calling? sigh...

The Thing About Moms.

I don't know if you know this, but I am great with moms. Seriously! My whole life moms have loved me like no one's business. If I dated their sons, they wanted me to be thier daughter in law. If I was friends with their daughters, they wanted ME to be their daughter instead. And I have no idea why because I've never had that same luck with my own.

Strangely enough my absolute favorite teacher in the entire world looks so much like my mom that they have often been mistaken for one another. I distinctly remember having to do double takes occasionally in class. Now, I would have loved, her reguardless of how she looked just for her vitality, positive spirit, and joy, but I cannot express the feelings that washed over me everytime I was given praise for even the smallest thing. Even now, as an adult, I still well up with tears when she showers me with encouragment and praise. Why? Because she is way more generous with it than her doppleganger has ever been. (There were actually times in high school when I would pretend it had been my mom that said those things instead of just me teacher.)

Don't get my wrong, she loves and all that, but I'm still willing to place odds that if she got to go back and choose that daughter she'd want...it really woudn't be me. (Truthfully, it'd be a boy. Yes, as a matter of fact I do know that is true, thank you. I was told.)  The thing is she is just very fugal with her praise and positive encouragement. She tends to say the first thing that pops into her head, which is often a bit harsh. But she is unaware of it.

However, I have just never understood why I am unable to even name the number of mom-type people in my life that think I am beyond wonderful and hav no problem telling me so and my own only finds fault with every.single.thing.I.do.or.try.or.am.

I often tought that maybe it's just the way the whole mother/dughter dynamic jsut worked, but I'm not like that with Cait. I cannot even count the number of times a day I tell her how beautiful she is or how smart she is, or how proud I am of her. Now this could be me overcomensationg, but I don't think so. I really and truely, to the bottom of my soul, believe everything I tell her. Maybe I'm just not afraid to tell her.  Maybe I'm just unafraid to release control just a smidge and allow for imperfections to show and accept they exist.

But here I am, just as I was as a kid, hiding my hurt feelings behind a smile to placate and keep the status quo. (And God knows when I mention those feelings it's somehow my fault for feeling that like anyway because I'm way too sensitive.)  Does she get mad and fraustrated with me? Yep. Does she talk to me the same way she ever has? Yep. Do I say anything about it? Not enough to make a difference because I promised Pop I wouldn't.  However, where at first I was afraid that in her frustration with me and the kids she'd eventually force me to leave so she could regain her "space," I know that is one fight my Pop would absolutly fight for me.

The funny thing is...when I do leave she'll cry and be sad and miss us. Too bad she can't channel future feelings into her current ones and not take us (me) for granted while we are here.

Oh I KNOW he didn't!

Let me just tell you, my ever loyal FF (faithful few), that I am about as pissed off as I can possible get about right now. In fact, I had to wait an extra hour after finding my "topic" today just so this post would be more than an example of Gangsta Rap-curse words with a bit of non curse words thrown in to almost make a complete thought. OH. MY. GOOD. GRACIOUS. BUT. I. AM. MAD!!!!

You see, I am a teacher. I've taught CCD (Catholic equivalent of Sunday school), high schoolers, adults, and my own children. I have tried to be anything other than a teacher, but have found that I am a teacher.

Why?

Well I have always seen teaching as my personal calling. (I know I usually don't get all "churchy" and choose to keep most of my religious views to myself due to growing up the lone Catholic among Baptists who thought all Catholics were going to Hell because we worship statues and aren't Christian, so hold on cause I mean business!!) No matter what I have ever tried to do in my life I have come back to teacher because I KNOW beyond a shadow that no matter how frustrated I get my frustration lies with "man" and not with the teaching itself.

Ya see, when you are truly called do DO or BE something, you will never find complete fulfillment until you answer that call. Translation, I can do any job I want, but will never find contentment in my soul until I teach.

Don't believe me? Read this...

1 Corinthians 12:28
And in the church God has appointed first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then workers of miracles, also those having gifts of healing, those able to help others, those with gifts of administration, and those speaking in different kinds of tongues. 


See? I told you!

So, now I will get to why I'm angry...
"You should have chosen a different career field."

Are you freaking kidding me?????????????????????????????????????????????????????  Seriously! Are you an idiot on purpose or does that shit just come naturally? What a schmo!!

What happened to teaching being an honorable profession that was respected?

I think it started with all of that "Those who can't...Teach" bullshit! I mean WTF people. If I could sucked at what I do then I damn sure couldn't teach it. For example, I suck at math; therefore I do not teach math. However, I am a good writer; therefore I teach writing. See what I mean?!  I do not know who concocted that little jewel of propaganda, but I'd sure like to whoop his/her ass!

I mean, damn, we are begged to become teachers and then allowed to drown in a pit of overwhelming frustration by barley being able to support ourselves (or our families) and pay our students loans and deal with parents who think we are against their children and deal with students who think we are against them and appease administrators who have no idea what we do but are under so much pressure to make numbers that they can't help but make our lives miserable. Did I mention that we are begged to become teachers by the very government that has created all of these stupid-assed state tests that absolutely have no way of assessing  what a student actually knows. How do I know that? BECAUSE I FUCKING WENT TO SCHOOL FOR 5 YEARS AND GOT A MASTER'S DEGREE IN EDUCATION THAT TELLS ME HOW TO ASSESS STUDENTS COMPREHENSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! An over-lengthy multiple choice test that lasts between 2 to 4 hours was NOT mentioned in any class I ever had as something positive. Translation: It's a stupid idea that only hurts our students...but I think I'll stop now and give this rant it's own personal post later.

Anyway, I digress so, back to my original topic...It seems that Mr. Taylor has just outlived his usefulness as a public servant. I never minded that he was a Catholic school alum. I never minded that his children all attended Catholic school. However, when MY career and MY calling (as well as that of so many others) is dismissed so completely and so thoughtlessly, I can now see that he has become part of the problem instead part of the solution.

Now, do I know how schools should be funded so teachers can finally receive the paychecks they deserve? Nope. Why? I didn't go to school to figure that out. I went to school to hone my skills as a teacher so I could spread the love of language. Why? Because I love to read and I love to write so I decided to combine my love of those things with my passion and calling for teaching and....Voila!! English teacher!

So, now I am told that I'm at fault for being poorly paid. That I should have chosen better? That I should have ignored my true calling from God and committed my life to another  occupation that would fill my pocketbook, but not my soul? That since I did, in fact, choose to be a teacher I should shut up and deal because "I should have known better"?

Well, guess what, Mr. Taylor? While I knew I would never be rich, I did think that I could support myself and while I never thought I would ever be a single mom of two that needed to live with her parents because it is all but impossible to survive. But I guess THAT'S my fault too.

I know one thing that I will happily take credit for...helping vote you out of office. Maybe they will let you teach at your Alma mater when you come back home.

Gene Taylor, a Representative that my family has voted into office for years and years and years (until now), was asked a question about why teachers were the second lowest paid college degree, but one of the most important. His reply was....