Random thoughts and musings of a single Mom striving to follow dreams and find pure BLISS.

The End of a Year

Looking back over this past year and change I am awestruck by my own perseverance. Seriously, I might as well toot my own fucking horn here because just how many people do you know that could have not only survived the past two years of my life, let alone come out smiling....I mean really.


Anyway, I will begin my saying that I found 2009 to be the shittiest year in recorded history. There are just no accurate words to described the incredibly fucked up nature of that whole year. There are very few people I know who do NOT look at that year with disdain, but I have special reason to hate everything about it...

First, I lose my wonderful Aunt on Christmas Day (so, it was technically 2008, but you will understand in a minute why it all fits together.). Then, exactly 30 days later, on Jan 25th, I lose my Uncle. (It would be terribly romantic if it were people NOT related to me, but it's fucking terrible and depressing when you really love those people.) Then, a few months later, I lose my Godfather, who was also my Great Uncle. 

Can we say my family was having a shitty year and I was about to get worried for my Pop?! I mean REALLY people.

Anyhoo...A few months later I lose my marriage and family until thrusting me into full Single Mom status. Yippymotherfuckingskippy!

The rest of 2009 was spent with me trying desperately to figure out what the fuck I was supposed to do now that I had to start from the begining.

2010 began somehow...I seriously do not remember. Truthfully, I only remember thinking on New Year's Day that I went the whole day without crying and it was the first New Year's Day I hadn't cried in somewhere around 10 years. (Speaking of shitty and fucked up)

This past year was spent trying to navigate the mind-field of living with my parents, (ok, so maybe just my mom-God love her), trying to find a job, and trying to figure out exactly what I want out of life.

Do I know now? Nope.

Am I closer than I was two years ago? Oh hell yeah!!!

So, my New Year's day this year will be spent with a beautiful man who starts each conversation with "Hello gorgeous" or "hello beautiful" and I predict I will not cry this year either.

Tonight I am (besides typing this quickly from another room) hanging out with my bf D and my kiddies. We ate pizza, baked cookies, and have laughed a ton so far. Once the kiddies fall asleep or at least hold still a little while, we will have a drink and gossip about life.

So far, I'm a fan of 2011...

Thoughts and Things

Ya know, I was trying to remember this time last year and it seems so long ago, so far removed from who I am and where I am, that I absolutely do not remember. I know I was moving, but I can't remember what I did for New Year's Eve or anything. Well, not true...I remember thinking it was the first New Year's day in YEARS that I didn't cry at all; however, other than that, I got nothing. Do you know what I'm doing this year?

This year I'm hanging out with my bestie D on the Eve and spending New Year's Day afternoon with MAT, my beautiful, sweet, sexy, Colombian soccer player. Now that's a weekend to remember.

Now, I will pause here and tell you all that I'm more nervous about this particular date than I was about the first one because it will be date number 3...and we all know what happens on date number 3... I get dumped soon after. sigh.  However, I'm trying to be optimistic by looking at things that caused the big D before that are very different with sweet MAT:
  • He is not afraid of my children. now this is pretty funny because a guy friend of mine giggled when I said the last few guys were "afraid of my children" and replied, "Don't they realize they are still small; I mean, I'm pretty sure they could take 'em." However, because MAT has a son and plays the role of single Dad at least half the week, he is totally at ease with the idea of my kiddies. In fact, he always asks about them and remembers little things I've said about them. It's pretty cool to share anecdotes about our children when we talk. It's just another thing that makes him sweet. Plus, let's all be honest, the whole Good Daddy thing is super hot!
  • He is never "too busy" or at least seemingly so. For example, he checked on our progress home from Atlanta yesterday on several different occasions, just to make sure we were still safe. Today he texed me on a break and when I didn't reply her popped on FB just to say "hi" and see how my day was going. There were times with the other fellas I dated that it seemed almost a bother to send the "made it home safe" text. He just always seems happy to hear from me. Call me crazy, but I appreciate that. I guess what seemed "needy" to white guys is normal to Latin men.
  • I think I am also a bit different with him. I have been uncharacteristically and bluntly honest about everything on my mind since the first time we met and began emailing because I didn't think he'd ever actually ask me out. True story, never thought it was a possibility. Why? Well, experience had taught me that 2 kids are at least one, but probably 2 more than more guys can handle. Plus, he's younger than me, not crazy younger than me, but three years that would be significant for most people. (He's only 30.) And then there's the whole thing with him being all beautiful and sexy and stuff. Yep, didn't think we'd get to a first date let alone a third. Nothing really to lose by begin yourself if you don't think it's going to happen anyway.
We are still trying to decide what exactly we will do on Saturday, but he did say that "us being together and seeing each other is what is important."
Whoa! Shall we all swoon together? topic of randomness...I need new hair. Ok, so not actually NEW hair, just something done to mine to give it a bit of something. It's kinda blah and I don't feel like being blah.

I'm definitely thinking layers and bangs. (I must admit to feeling a bit of tightness at the idea of doing that because my first thought was, "Omg, I wonder if MAT would hate it." What? I'm a freaking girl OK; so, there will be times when I actually act all girly. I AM going to do it anyway.)

I think that's all the randomness I can spill, but I'm sure there will be something later...

Christmas in the Making

The Christmas PJs have been opened and I'm hoping that the kids will eventually go to bed. Perhaps they will before I fall asleep because I have to be honest, folks...I'm freaking tired!

Sis and I exchanged MJ's gift and then braved WalMart for last minute Christmas dinner items. It wasn't as bad as it should have been, but it was still insane. It made me very glad I've been taking an extra dose of Lexapro for the past few days. I have totally been thinking ahead!

However, it didn't keep me from feeling a bit of stress and calling my sexy Colombian to hear a calm, soothing voice to drown out the crazy rants of, actually, Sis. (Sis has NOT been taking HER medicine at all let alone the extra doses like me.), can I tell you all how fluttery I get when I hear, "Helllooooo, how are you babe?! My Jeeemie." (Yes, he pronounces it more Jemie than Jamie, but it's very adorable. Come on, he's Colombian.) I even got a text earlier today that was just a little "thinking of you" note referring to me as "babydoll".

Can we say swoon?! 

Anyway...I have to get Jekyll back in bed for at least the 50th time...G'Night.

Merry Christmas!!!

Admitting the Obvious

Ok, So if you are reading this you probably read yesterday's post about my lovely afternoon. Well, I ended the day by chatting with him and him telling me that although I will be in Atlanta and he will be in Florida for Christmas, he will be thinking of me. Actually, the direct quote really was, "Wherever I am I will be thinking of you," because a few different friends have invited him over for Christmas festivities. 

Now, my normal modus operandi is to simply say thank you or something lame like that because, well, because I tend to feel a snatch of fear in the face of admitting something as vulnerable as "I'll be thinking of you too." You guys must admit that my previous experience has taught me that it is a skosh dangerous to be so forthcoming about my actual feelings. That being said, I bit the bullet and did tell him that I would think of him as well. Does this mean that I'm feeling all brave and shit? Nope. In fact, I must admit to the following:

Am I pretty sure that I do like him? Yep.

Am I waiting of the other shoe to drop and him suddenly either disappear or stop liking me? Yep.

Am I in constant wonder as to why this guy seems to like me? Yep.

Am I thinking that the 3 hour difference will soon become a deal and the "motivation" may wane? Yep.

Am I trying not to think about the inevitable and just enjoy everything as it comes to me? Yep.

Am I finding it difficult? Yep.

I mean, it's not as though you guys haven't read about numerous crushes I've had over this past year that have all ended in nothing. However, I have been using The Happiness Project Toolbox to determine resolutions for this coming year and found a wonderful group resolution to take advantage of:

I hereby resolve to let go of everything that I do not wish to see in 2011. This includes old hurts, old pain, anything I have outgrown, anything no longer useful, anything limiting, any aspect of myself I am no longer interested in being, etc.

Maybe this will help me be brave and optimistic.

Guess we shall all see how this plays out...

Afternoon Happiness

So, let me just tell you, guys!! I had the most wonderful afternoon! Truly, I did! 

What happened you ask?


I met my sweet, beautiful, Colombian soccer player (henceforth known as MAT because, well, those are his initials.) in Mobile today at Starbucks. A coffee on the patio while we laughed and talked (and he held my hand) set the tone quite well. Yep, you read that correctly; as soon as we saw one another and hugged, he immediately slipped my hand to the inside crook of his arm, covering it with the other. (Totally swoon-worthy!)

Now this may not seem wondrously interesting to most, but as someone who has always craved touch, yet have never dated a man who shared that, it was a huge deal. I mean, I've had the constant gropers and the "Oh look we are alone" grabbers, but never, never have I had a man who could simply drape his arm around my shoulder as a gesture of affection or hold my hand without a single thought as to place, people, or appropriateness. Plus, it was touch that was affection for the sake of affection and not overtly sexual. (Not that there was no chemistry or slight undertone, but it wasn't touch meant to just be about sex. That was nice. Affection just to show care not just an avenue to get laid.)

And I must admit that because of that I have always been a bit timid, but I never gave it a second though to throw my arm around his waist and hug him back or reach backwards for his hand when the passageway was narrow and I had to walk ahead of him. It was as though I had been doing that for years.  I also haven't dated a guy who was as animated as me-hand and face.

I did find out juicy tidbits is not a stereotype to assume that as a Colombian he loves coffee (when I asked the question he smiled and said, "Of course I love coffee; I'm Colombian."), he gets moody when hungry, almost always drives the speed limit (Except today, he got a speeding ticket on his way to Mobile. His first ever!), he likes to play with Diego's toys, and he thinks it would be interesting to live in Atlanta (However, I'm not sure he can just pick up and move since his company sponsor's his visa to live here. I don't really know how all that works.).

Didn't I tell you guys he was my Colombian soccer player? Yep, wasn't kidding. He really is from Colombia-like his whole life and his family still lives there. NOTE- He did ask me if I thought I'd enjoy or have a problem with visiting Colombia. Just saying. I know he is just ticking off random questions that might become an issue if this continues, but it still denotes the thought of future. Personally, I think it would rock! However, I like to travel to new places.

Oh, I also learned that bullshit you read in romance novels about a "smouldering" look can actually be accomplished by a Latin man. If it can be accomplished by anyone else I've never seen it, but I've seen attempts-laughable attempts. MAT can smile and then focus his eyes in a way that is just tingle central. Seriously, you can damn near feels what he's thinking. :) 

Anyway, when it was time to go, he drove me to my car and kissed me several times before I went to my car and began my trek home. or should I smiley trek home.

Yep, I smiled all the way home.

It really was the kind of day that definitely makes all other things seem wonderful.

To be continued...

Be Still my Heart

I received the most exciting phone call today...

You guys will SO never guess!!!

My beautiful, sexy, Colombian soccer player called and asked if he could dive down one day this week and see me.

Yep, he is going to drive almost 3 hours to come see little, ole me.

And he's all anxious and excited. (giggle)


I have no freaking clue.  

However, I refuse to think all negativly and wonder "Why in the world does this man want to spend time with me?" (even if I have seen pictures of his ex on FB and , let me just say that she was beautiful.)

Instead I will just enjoy the time we spend together and embrace the NOW of it all.

  • I'm pretty excited that he's excited.
  • I'm pretty excited he wants to see me again.
  • I'm pretty excited that he's willing to drive all the way here to see me.

Ok, I'm just pretty excited...but not in a weird, crazy-girl, "I think this means we are destined to be together" kind of way.

More of a "Wow, he's really sweet and cute and precious and we really had fun last time" kind of feeling.

BTW, I won't even get into the crazy amounts of tingles that occurred with the sweet, (almost) chaste kiss he gave me. Whoa!








Bellingrath Gardens

So, I was telling you guys earlier in the week that I had a date for Friday night, so since it's Saturday, I figured I'd update...

Yep, I did in fact have a date. Interesting fact, even in heels, I only come mid-chest to someone who is 6'6". Just saying. why is this important? Well, because BG is, in fact, 6'6".   And kudos for him that there were no short jokes thrown about-at least out loud.

He was very sweet. Great voice. Great smile. Soothing demeanor. And I'm always a fan of someone who doesn't mind a few silences - comfortable silences.

After meeting at the resraunt where we would eventually have dinner, we wandered through Belligrath. We chatted a bit, made both appropriate and inappropriate jokes about people and the scenery (he likes to eavesdrop too; a major plus for me), and since he'd been there before he was a wonderful tour guide while I sipped hot chocolate and enjoyed his company. Now, I'm not saying there wasn't a bit of underlying tension because I can tell he is naturally as shy as I am, but we were both working through it and having a good time.

Ok, so I have to interject that when I slid into the passanger seat of his car I was instantly surrounded by the masculine smell of him, I did instantly feel warm and comfortable...and just a little tingly.

Anyway, after the gardens we had dinner and pleasant conversation. He smiles very well. I travels up to his eyes and lights up his face. He also mentioned another Christmasy thing that he enjoyed and was searching for...and double checked when I was leaving for Atlanta. Hummm, I think that means I'm going to be invited out again.  

Once dinner was over he walked me to my car, hugged me, and asked me to be careful.

I texted him to let him know I was home safe and sounds and he was glad I let him know and said he'd talk to me soon. 

I wonder how soon? 

It's Raining all Kinds of Good Things!!

Have a listen in my brain for a minute...

It's Raining Men!
It's Raining Men!

It's Raining Jobs!
It's Raining Jobs!

Why am I singing such a silly song and changing words? Because this whole past week it really is literally raining men and jobs.

Let me explain...

I applied for an Academic Tutor position at a Jr high and then got a call from the high school. I was offered both jobs and the principals were almost willing to fight over who got to have me. I'm SO not kidding. the Superintendent had to settle it and place me where HE thought I should go.

Am I concerned? Oh hell no! I'm just glad I have a job! and After a year and a half of not being the choice, it feels pretty damn awesome to be everyone's choice.

Now for the men...

Ok, so there is my sexy, Colombian soccer player. He is sweet and loves to shower me with compliments, which I'm a HUGE fan of. Seriously.

So, my email was given to another nice guy by a friend of mine and we have been communicating only through email for a week or so now. He just asked me out.  We haven't even had a phone conversation and he really feels like he wants to take me out. We are going to Bellingrath gardens to tour the lights and to dinner. How sweet! I'm pretty excited. I swear my palms started sweating just reading the email.

However, this leaves me to question the Universe...

Where in the hell has all of this been my whole damn life??

Is it possible to be grateful and question the reasoning at the same time? I'm serious, I would have loved to have various nice, sweet, handsome, complimentary guys vying for my attention, like, my whole life! What's up with all this? Here again, I'm totally grateful and appreciate the Universe leading me to this point, but it just feels strange.

I mean, I'm the same person I've always been, aren't I?  Arent' I?

What is the major difference that has all of this happening. Let's just examine this for a second...I have been out on dates with five different guys since August. August!! Five!

I didn't even date like that in college. I didn't even date like that in high school. I mean, I wanted to, but I was never asked out. Hell, I even asked Joe out for our first date! 

And I was thinner and younger and, well, thinner. Wild!!

Of course, I am more confident now. More together. I know who I am now and had no DAMN clue anytime before now.

I guess I just find it odd because I was once told by a guy I no longer really talk to that as a single mom I have to be less choosy and put up with more. That guys could actually end up with "quite a bargain" by dating a single mom.

(Gee, I wonder why I stopped talking to him...)

After that I realized that I'd rather be alone than have to settle for something that even remotely resembled what I had left. And, might I add,  I'd be just fine being alone.

Soooo does a complete lack of interest add to my mystique? Go figure.  I guess it worked for the whole job thing too.

Constant Amazement

I know I shouldn't be surprised when I'm found attractive by a man, bit it really never fails to amaze me. I met a really sweet, tall, dark, and handsome guy who made me smile and laugh. He is originally from Colombia so I must add that the accent is dead sexy. Well, that and he looks like a soccer player.

At one point he asked me if id ever dated a Latin man before and I thankfully kept my first thought from popping out of my mouth, which was, "Not yet."

He took me to brunch and smiled this enourmous smile at me and leaned in to talk and listen. It was a very nice time. He was very nice company.

I definitly think we will do that again.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

The Great Job Hunt Comes To An End

Holy shit, you guys, I got a job!


Can you freaking believe it? It's only taken a fucking year and a half to get hired by a school, but once more I will have a classroom, a consistent paycheck, and insurance. I am SOOOO amazingly relieved.

Can I get a "Hell Yeah"?

Can I get an "Amen"?

Oh, I finally feel I will be able to take care of my babies and work towards total independence. Plus, I have to say that I enjoyed hearing that I was the gift "God" provided to them since all of my teaching experience was in 10th grade. (Especially since I actually applied for the position before now and wasn't hired for it and now it is MINE).

Can I get another big AMEN, my peoples?


When the excitment just isn't there.

Have you ever really wanted to get excited about something, but just couldn't work up the nerve? That's what I'm currently feeling right now.

You see, I have 2 interviews this week and although I really want to get all pumped and excited about, I'm feeling a bit underwhelmed. Ok, I won't bullshit you guys, I'm scared as hell to get excited because, let's face it, I haven't had the best of luck in the interview department. I mean-Really. Now, I have also already interviewed for a job at this same school...humm, it was about this time last year as a matter of fact.

Needless to say, I didn't get the job. And I should have. Although, maybe they realize that now. 

Maybe that's a leg up or perhaps it just makes me look desperate as hell. I guess looking desperate isn't SO bad because, again something to face guys, I am. 

I also have  date this weekend.  And this would be another area I haven't been having the best of luck in.  It's funny though, I wasn't ever a dater before. Seriously. I jut kinda fell into relationships and never really was the girl that went on dates and "played the field". I never questioned it because, while I think I'm pretty damn cute, I realize that I was not, am not, and never will be that girl that instantly gets noticed from across the room. It's ok and it's not from a lack of self esteem, I promise. I'm just Jamie and there's nothing so eye catching and fantastical that instantly attracts the whole idea of eyes meeting from across the crowded, smoky room. That's not how I roll and that's ok. I'm more of the cute girl that becomes a "wow" after a conversation or two. Yep, I'm personality attractive. (And it's always pissed me off that "She has a great personality translates to "she's not attractive".)

So, I find it confusing to be this serial dater now. I'm not kidding. I've gone on dates with 3 (this Sat will be guy 4) since August and only one has made it to date 3. One of them would have had schedules been more kind and he not freaked out about my kids, but that' snot my problem. (Actually, I think he's trying to maneuver another one, but I'm only going to bite if I see some serious motivation on his part- then I'll think about it.  But please no one think I'm holding my really.) 

Anyway, at least the guy this Saturday has a little boy so he understands the idea of time constraints and responsibility that comes with molding a little person's life. He's also "motivated" (his words not mine) to drive anywhere at anytime to spend time with me. Odd. I'm not even sure why I should think it's odd, but I swear it fills me with trepidation.  I feel like I should dig into his psyche and find the hidden reason. Maybe it's because I never gave anyone the chance to act that way towards me or maybe I just kept picking the guys that wouldn't. Humm, probably both.

I've always done for other people because I really don't expect anything done for me. How sad that I do not expect a fuss to be made over me, but let's face it, having never been a "squeaky wheel" I've never had an abundance of attention lavished on me. I've always been able to disappear into the background. Convenient, but not exactly the fodder of dreams, ya know.

I think I'm just in the "Meh, why the hell should I get excited about something that will potentially disapointing and probably not work out anyway" phase. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not feel depressed and, yes, I've been taking my meds, but I just can't motivate myself to get all giddy and excited about either interview or my date. Does this mena that my natual optomism is fading and a pessimistic realism is taking over? Ugh, I hope not. How depressing would that be?

Maybe I just need a vacation.  or maybe I just need SOMETHING to fucking work out-at least for a minute.

Just guessing...

Not So Much

I really have nothing to talk about. I just wanted to say "hi" to everyone. I have been working on:

  • getting papers graded 
  • getting Christmas gifts made
  • getting gifts wrapped
  • figuring out when and where to go on a date with a new guy
  • finishing my Christmas shopping
  • losing more weight
See, my life is so hum-drum and boring. But I'm trying to live the hell out of each day!!!

Ugh, Why Me?!?!

I almost died today while getting ready for Church.

I do not lie, perhaps I exaggerate, but I do not lie. 

While washing my face to reapply a fresh face for public consumption, leaned into the mirror to check my brows, which badly need plucking btw, and noticed the most horrific thing EVER!!! 

I have lines around my eyes.

The last time I really looked I only had a few little slight things fluttering straight off of the corner of my eyes. Not a big deal. They were hardly noticeable unless I smiled and then they were only a vague badge that showed how often I've smiled in my life. Not a deal!

Today I saw terrible, horrible, grotesque caverns that not only settled into my skin straight from my eyes, but they also traveled SOUTH from my eyes. Holfyfuckingshit, people! What is that about!!!????!!!!

I'm serious, the only thing that has been different in the past few months is my weight loss... 

OMFG!!! Is nature telling me that as I lose weight I will find myself amazingly disfigured by wrinkles???

What's that shit about? Is weight loss that important?

Should I keep the weight just so I don't become the Crypt Keeper?

Oh, someone help me?! I need to go to Walmart TO-NIGHT and buy some serious wrinkle cream!!! Heaven help me...I really am too vain to have anything so horrible around my favorite feature. *sigh* 

Perhaps I just waited too long to lose weight and I really will just find that I will have more and more and more as I shrink...OMG, I really DO look like the people I talk about that look old for my age.

Alas...Karma begins to kick my ass....

Fall on the MS Gulf Coast

Ok, for those who may not know, I live here...

Actually, if you look closely you can see Pascagoula on the far right. Yep, that's where I was born, raised, and currently live.

Not really by choice, but that's another story.
Just because I don't want to live here doesn't mean it isn't a fabulous place to just holds too many questionable memories that I will never be able to release while I'm still here. But I'm trying...and in the meantime, I'm enjoying the hell out of fall. It's my favorite season!!!

Anyway, I'm joining  Mama Kat this week to show all of you just what Fall is like here on the MS Gulf Coast. Despite the oil spill and hurricane troubles that have plagued us the past few years,  (Please notice here that regardless of what the media has said about Katrina hitting New Orleans, it actually hit here. Seriously, I was here. I saw it. Just saying...) we really are still in business down here - And pretty nice to boot.

Wanna see what it's like?

Jealous yet?

You see, fall is when the humidity finally falls into single digits (if you have curly hair this place probably isn't for you.) and the temperature falls into the double digits. it might even get down to a blustery 50 or 40 degrees in December.

How about our mixture of evergreens and actual changing leaves...

or imagine your morning run like this...

You hate me don't you?

Because it doesn't really get cold, we are the south the birds flock to...even with choppy waters.

However, I have to say that this is my favorite...

It's the perfect mixture of woods and water, which is exactly what we are all about down here.

A Man Down

I guess I should have put a disclaimer on yesterday's post because I lost a follower. Oops.

Just to let you guys know, I stand by every thing I said, including the multiple "fucks" because, honestly, it's my blog and I can write any damn thing I choose. those that are sticking by me...thanks for accepting who I am, even when I'm crass and vulgar.

Just saying.