When the excitment just isn't there.

Have you ever really wanted to get excited about something, but just couldn't work up the nerve? That's what I'm currently feeling right now.

You see, I have 2 interviews this week and although I really want to get all pumped and excited about, I'm feeling a bit underwhelmed. Ok, I won't bullshit you guys, I'm scared as hell to get excited because, let's face it, I haven't had the best of luck in the interview department. I mean-Really. Now, I have also already interviewed for a job at this same school...humm, it was about this time last year as a matter of fact.

Needless to say, I didn't get the job. And I should have. Although, maybe they realize that now. 

Maybe that's a leg up or perhaps it just makes me look desperate as hell. I guess looking desperate isn't SO bad because, again something to face guys, I am. 


I also have  date this weekend.  And this would be another area I haven't been having the best of luck in.  It's funny though, I wasn't ever a dater before. Seriously. I jut kinda fell into relationships and never really was the girl that went on dates and "played the field". I never questioned it because, while I think I'm pretty damn cute, I realize that I was not, am not, and never will be that girl that instantly gets noticed from across the room. It's ok and it's not from a lack of self esteem, I promise. I'm just Jamie and there's nothing so eye catching and fantastical that instantly attracts the whole idea of eyes meeting from across the crowded, smoky room. That's not how I roll and that's ok. I'm more of the cute girl that becomes a "wow" after a conversation or two. Yep, I'm personality attractive. (And it's always pissed me off that "She has a great personality translates to "she's not attractive".)

So, I find it confusing to be this serial dater now. I'm not kidding. I've gone on dates with 3 (this Sat will be guy 4) since August and only one has made it to date 3. One of them would have had schedules been more kind and he not freaked out about my kids, but that' snot my problem. (Actually, I think he's trying to maneuver another one, but I'm only going to bite if I see some serious motivation on his part- then I'll think about it.  But please no one think I'm holding my breath...no really.) 

Anyway, at least the guy this Saturday has a little boy so he understands the idea of time constraints and responsibility that comes with molding a little person's life. He's also "motivated" (his words not mine) to drive anywhere at anytime to spend time with me. Odd. I'm not even sure why I should think it's odd, but I swear it fills me with trepidation.  I feel like I should dig into his psyche and find the hidden reason. Maybe it's because I never gave anyone the chance to act that way towards me or maybe I just kept picking the guys that wouldn't. Humm, probably both.

I've always done for other people because I really don't expect anything done for me. How sad that I do not expect a fuss to be made over me, but let's face it, having never been a "squeaky wheel" I've never had an abundance of attention lavished on me. I've always been able to disappear into the background. Convenient, but not exactly the fodder of dreams, ya know.

I think I'm just in the "Meh, why the hell should I get excited about something that will potentially disapointing and probably not work out anyway" phase. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not feel depressed and, yes, I've been taking my meds, but I just can't motivate myself to get all giddy and excited about either interview or my date. Does this mena that my natual optomism is fading and a pessimistic realism is taking over? Ugh, I hope not. How depressing would that be?

Maybe I just need a vacation.  or maybe I just need SOMETHING to fucking work out-at least for a minute.

Just guessing...

Smiles All Around

So, for those that do not follow me on facebook, which means for those who aren't in my immediate family,  I and having the BEST time begin back in the classroom, even if it is only on a part time basis. I swear that it gets  more fun with each class.

But first a bit of back story...the class I'm teaching at the local Community College (MSGCC-JC to be exact) is a short term Comp I & Comp II class. In essence, they will get a year's worth of English in one semester. Tough, but great to get things out of the way. Anyway, the "normal" teacher is out with back surgery. She has been the ONLY person to ever teach these two particular class. EVER!

A majority of the students were expecting her, only to see my smiling face the first day. Needless to say, those expecting her had reservations until about half way through the first class.

That begin said, last night I was told the coolest thing EVER and had to share...I had a student, a returning non-traditional student who had talked to and expected the "other" lady to be exact, told me on her way out of the class that she and another student were discussing me during one of the class breaks. (It's a 5 hour class, we take lots of breaks.) She told me that they were both really glad that I was their teacher and couldn't imagine the other teacher being anywhere as supportive and fun as I am.

Now I tried to be modest and replied, "Well I hope you both still feel that way in December," but inwardly, my faithful few, I was preening like a peacock.

Damn, it's hard to be humble sometimes.

Let's just hope comments like that make their way around campus and land me a permanent position. Fingers cross people. Fingers crossed!!!

Oh I KNOW he didn't!

Let me just tell you, my ever loyal FF (faithful few), that I am about as pissed off as I can possible get about right now. In fact, I had to wait an extra hour after finding my "topic" today just so this post would be more than an example of Gangsta Rap-curse words with a bit of non curse words thrown in to almost make a complete thought. OH. MY. GOOD. GRACIOUS. BUT. I. AM. MAD!!!!

You see, I am a teacher. I've taught CCD (Catholic equivalent of Sunday school), high schoolers, adults, and my own children. I have tried to be anything other than a teacher, but have found that I am a teacher.

Why?

Well I have always seen teaching as my personal calling. (I know I usually don't get all "churchy" and choose to keep most of my religious views to myself due to growing up the lone Catholic among Baptists who thought all Catholics were going to Hell because we worship statues and aren't Christian, so hold on cause I mean business!!) No matter what I have ever tried to do in my life I have come back to teacher because I KNOW beyond a shadow that no matter how frustrated I get my frustration lies with "man" and not with the teaching itself.

Ya see, when you are truly called do DO or BE something, you will never find complete fulfillment until you answer that call. Translation, I can do any job I want, but will never find contentment in my soul until I teach.

Don't believe me? Read this...

1 Corinthians 12:28
And in the church God has appointed first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then workers of miracles, also those having gifts of healing, those able to help others, those with gifts of administration, and those speaking in different kinds of tongues. 


See? I told you!

So, now I will get to why I'm angry...
"You should have chosen a different career field."

Are you freaking kidding me?????????????????????????????????????????????????????  Seriously! Are you an idiot on purpose or does that shit just come naturally? What a schmo!!

What happened to teaching being an honorable profession that was respected?

I think it started with all of that "Those who can't...Teach" bullshit! I mean WTF people. If I could sucked at what I do then I damn sure couldn't teach it. For example, I suck at math; therefore I do not teach math. However, I am a good writer; therefore I teach writing. See what I mean?!  I do not know who concocted that little jewel of propaganda, but I'd sure like to whoop his/her ass!

I mean, damn, we are begged to become teachers and then allowed to drown in a pit of overwhelming frustration by barley being able to support ourselves (or our families) and pay our students loans and deal with parents who think we are against their children and deal with students who think we are against them and appease administrators who have no idea what we do but are under so much pressure to make numbers that they can't help but make our lives miserable. Did I mention that we are begged to become teachers by the very government that has created all of these stupid-assed state tests that absolutely have no way of assessing  what a student actually knows. How do I know that? BECAUSE I FUCKING WENT TO SCHOOL FOR 5 YEARS AND GOT A MASTER'S DEGREE IN EDUCATION THAT TELLS ME HOW TO ASSESS STUDENTS COMPREHENSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! An over-lengthy multiple choice test that lasts between 2 to 4 hours was NOT mentioned in any class I ever had as something positive. Translation: It's a stupid idea that only hurts our students...but I think I'll stop now and give this rant it's own personal post later.

Anyway, I digress so, back to my original topic...It seems that Mr. Taylor has just outlived his usefulness as a public servant. I never minded that he was a Catholic school alum. I never minded that his children all attended Catholic school. However, when MY career and MY calling (as well as that of so many others) is dismissed so completely and so thoughtlessly, I can now see that he has become part of the problem instead part of the solution.

Now, do I know how schools should be funded so teachers can finally receive the paychecks they deserve? Nope. Why? I didn't go to school to figure that out. I went to school to hone my skills as a teacher so I could spread the love of language. Why? Because I love to read and I love to write so I decided to combine my love of those things with my passion and calling for teaching and....Voila!! English teacher!

So, now I am told that I'm at fault for being poorly paid. That I should have chosen better? That I should have ignored my true calling from God and committed my life to another  occupation that would fill my pocketbook, but not my soul? That since I did, in fact, choose to be a teacher I should shut up and deal because "I should have known better"?

Well, guess what, Mr. Taylor? While I knew I would never be rich, I did think that I could support myself and while I never thought I would ever be a single mom of two that needed to live with her parents because it is all but impossible to survive. But I guess THAT'S my fault too.

I know one thing that I will happily take credit for...helping vote you out of office. Maybe they will let you teach at your Alma mater when you come back home.

Gene Taylor, a Representative that my family has voted into office for years and years and years (until now), was asked a question about why teachers were the second lowest paid college degree, but one of the most important. His reply was....

Begining at the Begining Again

Operation Self-Esteem--Day Fucking One.
(Elizabeth Gilbert)

Yep, I think I have finally hit the self-analysis wall. Actually, I slammed into it head first, rubbed up against it like a cat, and just- kept- beating- my- head- against- the- stupid- ass- fucking- wall! So, now hopefully all of that is out of my system for a minute and perhaps, it is time to back off and take stock of life as it stands.

I have a job. It may not start until October, but at least I know that I have one. And that interview really boosted my confidence so I'm willing to look into other options that start before October.

I'm not yet the size I want to be and I didn't meet the goal I set in January; HOWEVER, I am numerous inches smaller in most of the areas I wanted to shrink. I'm also pretty proud of the hourglass figure I've achieved and most of the time I feel very Marilyn.

I may not have completed the C25K, but I've decided to start again since I'm in better shape this time than last time I tried. The treadmill is cleaned off for use (since it's too bleeding hot to do it outside) and I even have an app for that on my phone.

My kids aren't the best behaved in the world, but they are cute, polite, listen relatively well, and will be going back to school soon. Did I mention they are cute? Plus they are gong to be way smarter than me so I totally may need to go back to school just so I can keep up.

I might still be living at home, but when Pop graduates from USM (finally) they are going on some trips so I get a bit of a break. Plus, I never have to pay a babysitter when I go to the gym.

I've decided to eliminate all toxic people from my life as much as possible, and if it isn't possible I can at least limit my exposure and how I allow them to effect me and my life.  First and foremost being my ex-husband because he is officially a guest of the state way up in North Mississippi for the next 15 years. I know it sounds strange, but until everything was final I just had this nagging feeling that he could show up at my door. Now, rationally, I know he had no way to do that, but his bail had been lowered and I just couldn't feel totally safe. Not really. Living with my pop has given me the most solace because he would never be dumb enough to face my Dad after what he did; however, I'm sure he's really pissed at me and bound to get even more pissed. (But that's for a later post)

DB told me last night that I need to talk less, do more. Actually that is a paraphrase, but that was the basic thought. She's right, of course, and not just because she is a physiologist and isnt' her job to be right, but because she's known me forever and knows I need to just get out and DO. Do what? Doesn't matter as long as I just get out and do something! I am gong to start a list of things I really want to do in the next year and hopefully I can get them all checked off by the time my year is up.

Most of all I'm going to give myself a break; I just think it is time. Each day, no matter how hard it gets, I'm going to pay myself on the shoulder and congratulate myself on what I have done up to this point. Yep, actually give myself credit for not crawling into the hole I really REALLY wanted to crawl into last year and floating through life letting everyone else take care of me. Good job, Me!

Discovery of the Obvious

Today I had a job interview. This will be the sixth one I've had in the past year when it became obvious that needing a job was more than a necessity. Now, I've only gotten ONE of those jobs- my gig at Pearl River- but I had to leave it to move back to Goula because living on a part time teacher salary is harder than living on a full time teacher salary. Go figure, right?!

Anyway. I was super nervous because I would have to teach a 15 minute lesson in front of 5 teachers/administrators. now this may not sound like a big deal since I once taught 2 hour high school classes, but I've been out of the classroom for a while and had actually been thinking about leaving it permanently. To strike out in the world of jobs that pay more than peanuts so I can raise my babies without sweating about my sad, little, peanut paycheck.

However, I discovered today that I can't leave.

Like a moth inexplicable drawn to the flame they undoubtedly know will end them, so I am drawn to the classroom. As soon as I opened my mouth today, I fell into "teacher" mode and every bundle of nerves and butterfly vanished and I felt totally at home. I smiled, laughed, cajoled, talked, joked, and had a great time. In fact, I was almost sad when my 15 minutes were up. I had literally forgotten how much I really love teaching. (In truth the state test sucked a majority of my love out and I had to rebuild it. I didn't love it last summer.) But most importantly I had forgotten how damn good I am at it. In seconds all 5 adults were entertained and interested in what I was saying-not just because it was their job to evaluate me. It took less than 5 minutes after my presentation for them to discuss the fact that they loved me and thought I'd "be a perfect fit".

That's right, faithful few, they loved me! They want me. Now they have to see if they can give me full time or the half an hour drive to Mobile 3 days a week may not exactly worth it. Ahhh, the rub!

If nothing else it helped me remember that I really am a freaking, outdamnstanding teacher and I do want to be back into the classroom. Even if I don't go to work there, at least I know that teaching is still my passion and my calling. Score 1 for Team Jamie.