The Great Job Hunt Comes To An End

Holy shit, you guys, I got a job!

Hallelujah!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you freaking believe it? It's only taken a fucking year and a half to get hired by a school, but once more I will have a classroom, a consistent paycheck, and insurance. I am SOOOO amazingly relieved.

Can I get a "Hell Yeah"?

Can I get an "Amen"?

Oh, I finally feel I will be able to take care of my babies and work towards total independence. Plus, I have to say that I enjoyed hearing that I was the gift "God" provided to them since all of my teaching experience was in 10th grade. (Especially since I actually applied for the position before now and wasn't hired for it and now it is MINE).

Can I get another big AMEN, my peoples?

AMEN!!

Hope Springs Eternal

So, all of you, faithful few, know that I follow Ms. Single Mom's blog. It's enlightening, relaxing, entertaining, and inspiring. Today she posted about a conversation she had with another Single Mom Friend (SMF) about Elizabeth Gilbert's new book Committed. (For those who do not know Ms. Gilbert's story pick up a copy of Eat, Pray, Love and read it. I've read it pre and post divorce.)
Although both women are in lovely relationships the idea of marriage still makes them a bit shaky and doe-eyed.

She posed the question to all of her followers, wonering what WE all think of the marriage question. Would we want to? What are the expectations you would take into a second marriage?

I actually thought about it. And I decided that I would throw my two cents into the fray and below is what I came up with...

Although it's taken a year of avoiding anything to do with "the M word", but I think I would like to get married again one day. However, I have several thoughts on the subject.

First and foremost, I would never marry so my children could have a father. I would never marry because as a teacher I will always struggle to make ends meet. I would never marry because "seems like the right thing to do". I would never marry someone I absolutly could not live without; instead I would marry someone I would want to live without and would stand beside the 3 of us as one of us and not an addition.

The last time around I searched to find love, support, acceptance, excitement, and a multitude of other things I thought would complete me; however, instead of looking for it in someone else, I have found all of it myself. This time I want not someone to complete me, but someone to compliment me-a warm breeze that makes me smile, not one who fills my sails.

Not too shabby, huh? 

All of that being said, the question on the wind is, "Will that someone ever pop up?" Idon'tknow. I am not on the hunt. I am not searching. I am enjoying the new experience of freedom and being. Just being. No expectations save my own. No true need to search for love outside of my own mirror and the faces of my children and there it is not a search-it is a fact.

Ahhh, but being the helpless romantic that I truely am-Damn, Victorian literature-I think of a time when I will again have someone's should on which to rest my head or someone's arms around me as a sleep. There's a part of my soul that craves it; that begs me to find it, but I think I'll let The Universe take care of that. After all, I gotta take care of Thing1 and Thing2. Oh, and me too! 

Women, Food, and God - The End / The Final Review

I'm not usually one to ramble on about God and spirituality. I believe in God and I am spiritual in my own way. I'm a pretty good Catholic girl; however, I don't feel the need to inform the world. I'm perfectly happy be-bopping my own marry way and letting everyone else be-bop theirs. My guess this comes from my years as a public high school teacher, you know the whole separation of Church and state thing-I'm very "Don't ask- Don't tell" when it comes to God.

Anyhoo, that being said, I picked up Women, Food, and God with some degree of trepidation, even though one of my most trusted sources in the world told me to pick it up.  Let me tell you, my faithful few, it rocked my freaking world! Seriously. Maybe you have read my previous posts about this book, but now that I'm finished with it, I think I may read it again and give it out as gifts until everyone I know has this book!

It has completely changed my idea of eating and food in general. I'm not saying that my brain is now perfectly clear and rainbows are as far as I can see, but I am telling you that I'm aware of shit now that I knew, but didn't realize effected me. And I also didn't know that anyone else felt the same way about themselves that I fet about myself. Woe Buddy!!

You see, this book doesn't tell you what to eat or how to eat; it makes you think about "Why" you are eating. Are you eating because you are hungry or because you are sad/angry/frustrated/overwhelmed/etc? Do you know? Can you tell the difference? I coudn't. At least I know after I do it now  I realize what I have done.

For example, at lunch, I stuffed food down my face quickly so I could get my kids situated with thier meals, drinks, napkins, and headed off to nap-time; I didn't realize until afterwards that I have no idea what I ate or even what it tasted like. I am only vaugly aware of the after-taste of mustard.) Why could I not have made the meal more pleasureable to all of us? Why did I have to be SO in control for the surroundings and trapping of "meal" that I was unaware of mine. Then, as all moms do, I found myself picking off of the kid's plates as I cleaned up...Hello!! Not hungry, McCarty! Why are you putting food in your mouth?!!!  Sease and disist!!! Unhand those fries!!!

These are the kind of things that are discussed in the book. Begining the moment instead of off somewhere else, hiding from something "unpleasant". I hide from unpleasant all the time, but I realized recently that I miss out on a whole lot of pleasant when I do that. Now I have a guide out of my hidey hole and into the world.

Although I said above the book doesn't tell you what or how to eat, it does give you 7 Guidelines and they are both simple common sense and incredibly difficult-all at the same time.

1. Eat when hungry. (What if you can't recongnize hungery from boredom or saddness or fear?)
2. Eat in a clam environment. (Piff, Dude, I have kids! What calm environment?)
3. Eat without distractions. (See Guideline 2)
4. Eat what your body wants. (It sounds great, but...dangerous)
5. Eat until you are satisfied. (See guideline 1)
6. Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others. (See below!)
7. Eat with enjoyment. (Problem! I have never felt anything but guilt and disgust when I eat.)

Ok, Number 6 knocked the wind out of my body. I swear I didn't realize other people were as fucked up as I am. As far back as I can remember I have hated eating in front of people because I always "felt" their thoughts and judgments..."She SO shouldn't be eating that! Put down the food, big girl! A salad, yeah right! So, NOW we all know how you got that way!" (The book calls that The Voice. It sucks and I now know I can tell it to "fuck off". Yippy!)  I think I've eaten in a restraunt alone once and I took a book with me because I just HAD to block out the idea that people were watching me eat. The idea that I must be prepared to always eat in front of someone and never sneak a quick snack while no one is looking is terrifying. It breaks everything I have ever thought about eating down to the very core. Honestly, I'm scared.

But I also want to stop hiding. I want to feel every single emotion, even if it is unpleasant or unseeminly or messy. I want to know that I did truely "live deliberately... live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die Discover that I had not lived.” (Thoreau).

W, F, and G - Part 3

This book is kicking my butt! Seriously. For years I have felt these nameless feelings and never knew how to communicate them-how to give them a name. This thing has hit the proverbial nail on the head.

"Wanting what I wanted was not allowed. I needed to sacrifice, atone, make up for being myself."

"Diets are based on the unspoken fear that you are a madwoman, a food terrorists, lunatic. Eventually you will destroy all that you love and so you need to be stopped. The promise of a diet is not only that you will have a different body; it is that in having a different body, you will have a different life. If you hate yourself enough, you will love yourself. If you torture yourself enough, you will become a peaceful, relaxed person."

Luckily, it didn't hurt for long. It was just a little prick and then...calm. Actual calm.

I closed my eyes last night and drifted to sleep without a single ounce of stress or "Ican'tturnmybrainoff" tossing and turning. It was freaking great.

Who knew I could ever stop feeling bad and ashamed for being me...

I think it might just be possible. God, I hope so cause I'm pretty tired of it.