Random thoughts and musings of a single Mom striving to follow dreams and find pure BLISS.

I'm Baaaack...

I was told today that my poor cuz was so lost because I haven't blogged in a while...Sorry, Sunnie. This one's for you.

I know it's been a while since I showed up here, but I spent week before last so darn sick that I barely had the energy to crawl into bed each night. Then last week I was in some crazy funk that I just couldn't shake no matter what I tried.

I'm thinking it was probably just the aftermath of my wonderful, amazing, fabulous Valentine's with mi Marquito. I mean, ya spend 24 hours wrapped in the light and loving warmth of Cloud 8,422 and then  plunged into the cold reality of life, it tends to play havoc on your psyche. I'm just guessing people; I have no clue why I was in my head all week. (Not that I don't have several theories mind you.)

However, I did manage to belly crawl out by this past Sunday and MAT was very happy to hear the difference in my voice. I guess the lunch time phone calls I received Thursday and Friday were literally to check on me because he said the other night he was starting to get concerned because I was acting differently, "Not like my Jamie."

I need to pause here to tell all of you that being referred to as "my Jamie" or the newly minted "mi Jamiecita" is absolutely thrilling. He used that to start a text this afternoon and got so giddy and light headed that I got up and gave all my students in that class and piece of candy-just cause. That is what that man does to me...he just makes every moment seem like one to celebrate.

Anyway...Between gaining two pounds while being too sick to track my eating on WW the week before or the fabulous news that I have to have a "procedure" for an abnormal pap (lucky me) or the lack of sleep that comes from MJ being out of town and both kids crawling into bed with me each night, it just wasn't my week. Ok, it didn't help that I know I wasn't going to be able to see MAT that weekend either. I joked with him that I knew it was important for him to work since he spent so much money on our amazing Valentine dinner. He was busy. I was busy. It was a beautiful weekend and even though I spent the majority of it outside with the kiddies, I couldn't help but think it'd be even more fun with MAT and little D running around with us.

I am feeling better and today's flirty chats with Marquito certainly helped my day. Insert large smile and cleansing sigh here...


Perhaps I am overly dramatic or fatalistic, but I swear at least once a week I expect to get the call, email, text, chat, or whatever that effectively ends this little cloud of giggly joy of mine. Yep, it still just seems impossible that this will continue because, let's face it, I really haven't had the best luck with guys ever. I'm guessing this is different because I didn't choose him, he started it so technically he chose me. That boggles my mind, guys. It just does and I promise, I really do have a moderately healthy self

Anyway, I had to ask a question that made me queasy, but I did it anyway. You see, I found this little gift that i knew I had to get for him, but first I needed to find out if it needed to be a Valentine's gift or a birthday gift. (His birthday is the 20th.) So, I asked what it should be for.

He replied that he'd "be happy if you'd be my Valentine." I swear my hands were shaky and sweating waiting for that reply. Did I think he'd be all, "Are you kidding, Hell no," or "That's a bit too much for me right now,"? Umm, yeah, actually I did. Hear again, I keep expecting the worst and getting pleasantly surprised.

Anyway, long story short (too late) I have a Valentine's date! He made reservations for us to take a cooking class where we make this fancy brunch with the help of a chef and then eat it. I've always wanted to do something like that! Isnt' it just the sweetest?! I'm gushing...I know. It's totally disgusting and I'd vomit myself if it weren't actually happening to me.

I think it is cute and sweet and all romantical. Like him...

Downer Central

So, I got some super cool, totally killer news the other day. On a whim, I threw out a resume to an online University that was looking for a Curriculum designer. I never actually thought they'd call or anything, but low and behold...they freaking called! Seriously!

I talked to the Human Resources lady and she set up a phone interview for tomorrow afternoon. I am excited. My pop is pretty pumped. MAT is excited for me. Everyone seems to be excited...except MJ.

In addition to really not acting excited today she lowered the boom of her problem with this "whole thing". Let's, at this point, try to understand that I am only mildly qualified for this job, but it does get me on a community college/university level, which is where I have been wanting to be or at least wanting to get to. Do I expect to get this job? Well, no. Will this stop me from trying? Well, no.  Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled downer session...her problem is the job is located in Orange Beach, Alabama. Yep, two hours from Pascagoula and her. Why? Because from the sounds of it, I am supposed to stay put, cross my fingers for a job here, and never budge from where I am or strive for what I want in life because that makes me a bad mother. That's right fellas. I am a bad mother.

This isn't a conversation we haven't had before, but it never fails to overwhelm me every time. Any time I have a single thought that deviates from hers I become a bad mother. Shall we say that most of my thoughts diviate from hers. It's as though she doesn't understand that I do not have the luxury of being a stay at home mom and devoting every waking second of my life to my children. And to be honest, I dno't want to. I like being Jamie as much as I like being Mommy and I think it is possible to be both. Silly me. I actually said, durign this particular "discussion", "A happy Mommy is good for the kids." Her reply? "A happy Mommy comes second."

Please, do not misunderstand, I do love this woman, but she and I speak a different language. She sees herself as a martyr that sacrificed herself on the cross of motherhood and I see her as someone who really did as she pleased at any given time, but made it seem as though everything revolved around us. I wore the clothes she wanted me to wear, I wore my hair how she wanted me to wear it, I took the classes she wanted me to take, and I took it all with my head down and listened to her bitch about every small, insignificant thing I ever did, said, or thought that she disaproved of...and I did it with a smile people. Why? The same reason we all did, some battles cannot be won so you should just surrender before it begins. It was all about keeping the water smooth. Still is.

I'm not really a bad mother for wanting to follow my dreams am I?