Random thoughts and musings of a single Mom striving to follow dreams and find pure BLISS.


Let me just share my crap day with you all....

I know...I know....for weeks and months even I have been oozing rainbows and glitter, but let me tell you guys I have had a helluva day! And not in the best way possible! 

To start, I had a meeting with a priest today about my annulment. Now, for those who aren't Catholic, an annulment in the Church is NOT like an annulment in the secular world. It in no way makes my children illegitimate of claims I was never married; it simply states that the marriage, for whatever reason, failed due to certain reasons (basically whatever you file) and it must be a darn good reason. You see, Catholics don't mind if you divorce; they mind mind you getting remarried. ANYWAY, I had to meet with the head of the annulment tribunal and my case since I want a very strong, airtight case (yes, they can say, "Umm, no."). Now, I was under the impression that I HAD a strong, airtight case, but obviously I was wrong. 


How in the name of all that is holy can I NOT have a strong case?!  It was officially the first time in a very long time where I felt responsible for what happened. I felt like I was under attack. I felt like I I was almost being blamed. Plus, I must say that Father was very unimpressed that I used birth control while married. HE going to pay for all the kiddies? Yeah, I didn't think so. Just saying...

I must also meet with their psychologist to further strengthen my case. Sigh...whatthefuckever....

The big happy for all of that is, while the annulment may not be settled for almost another year, mi amorcito could care less. He also assures me that neither him mom nor his grandmother will even blink over the whole thing. Even MJ commented at lunch today, "Well, that is just stupid, I'm certainly glad you aren't waiting on that whole thing."

Ok, score!!!! 

My next worry.....I am terrified I will not get my dress shortened in time AND that I actually will not be able to fit into it. I mean, I have been worrying myself into a total frenzy all dang day. I cannot wait to try it on when I get back to Florida tomorrow. But I do NOT know what in the name of Heaven I will do if it doesn't fit. Holy shit I think I may throw up.

Actually, I think I will make sure my hair isn't a shitty shade of red and I'm going to bed. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day...

Time of a Change

So, I just realized that I have to change this whole blog thing. Why? Umm, because I'm staring down the barrel of not being a single mom anymore. In fact, since we've been happily tucked away in MAT's house in Florida since schol let out, I'd pretty much say that I'm definitely NOT a single mom anymore.

That and we picked up our wedding rings on Saturday.

Yep, I said it.

Wedding rings...CHECK!

I'll save the story of the rings for another day, but suffice it to say that I learned a whole lot about myself and his regaurd for me during our shopping jaunt. Things I thought I had moved past, but obvioulsy not. Nothing bad, mind you, but certainly things that I should work on within myself-Or more that I should work on within myself, rather. 

Now, if you forgive me, I must change my general description for this sucker.

Long, Wild, Crazy Ride

I realized a few minutes ago that, while today has a special significance for being Father's Day, it also bares a slightly stronger significance for my own life...two years ago today I though my world was completely over.

I thought there was no way I would ever recover from the feeling of betrayal that enveloped me like a large woman crushing me against her chest-hot, suffacating, and wholey unwelcome. 

 I never thought to ever have another Father's Day go by without acutly feeling what I had lost for my children, namely a Father of their very own. Yes, I said what I had lost them.

You see, although I had been miserable for longer than I dare even admit, I felt it was my duty to my children to keep the family together because it was not their fault that I was unhappy. He seems contented enough and the children were happy enough. I accepted that obviously it was just my own problem that I was desperately unhappy and unsatisfied with my lot in life. Why should I shake up my babies' lives for soemthing that was purely me?

After the insident in question, I spent some time contemplating how I was too blame for it. That obviously my dissatisfacion in my marriage caused me to become a sub-par wife and lead him down a path which lead directly to adultery...Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.  

I do, in fact, take respoinsibility for my failings in my first marriage, because I did certianly have some, but I no longer take total responsibility. I have not for some time actually. Thankfully.

However, it does color my current relationship some, as I'm sure MAT's failed relationship with his son's mom colors his time with me. Again, thankfully, it colors it in the best way possible because we have learned to appricate the good things and call out the questionsable things early.

While I have always felt blessed to have such a wonderful Dad, I can now say that my children are equally blessed becuase this man who has inherited the title to Dad takes it very seriously. He is everythig I could want in ta Father for them and loves them completely and eats up each time the call him "Dad" and each time they proudly use a Spanish word.

My world that so easily shattered two years ago, has risen like a Phoenix and it now as it should be...full of love, laughter, and family.

Me Worried?

I finally got the call I've been waiting for. The call that offers me an interview for a job in Florida.

Oh happy day!!!!!!!!!!!

Marco says he is officially taping his fingers crossed for me.

Now because he is desperate for me to have a job or thought I wouldn't get one, but because he knows I am willing and read to work any particular job to help our little (five isn't so little is it?) family and prefers that I get to actually DO what it is that I love and went to school to do. 

What a sweet man.

I can't wait to be in Florida again. I can't wait to sweat in the park while playing with my kids, dance around the kitchen while cooking dinner for my family, and curled up on the couch with the arms of the man I love wrapped around me and my head on his chest. It really IS the perfect way to spend an evening.

My favorite way to spend an evening...Or an afternoon...Or any time in between.

It's time to go home.

Living in Paradise

So last week I made the first portion of "the move" this past weekend.

It has been a week and I can safely say that I have never felt more relaxed, or at least I don't remember a time when I was more relax and comfy. I really tought there would be a big adjustment period or that perhaps he would change his mind after living with us.

As it turns out, he is even more amazing than I knew. Because of his calm nature and the fact he is a phenom Dad, my kids are sleeping in their beds each night without complaint AND taking naps each afternoon. (Who are these kids and where did mine go. I don't really want them back, I just want to keep tabs on the little critters.)

There have been so many times when I have fought bursting into tears. Not because I'm sad, but because I can't believe I am so lucky. My kids are curling up with him and calling him Daddy (or Popi thanks to Dora) and his son is calling me Mom. Just thinking about them all running around on the pitch running and kicking the soccer ball around brings tears to my eyes right now. It's so natural and so amazing...there are no words, guys. There just aren't.

Anyway, I have to admit that it's going so well, the dark part of my brain has begun to try to sabotage me. At night, as this beautiful man is cuddled up next to me, holding my hand in his sleep, it begins to whisper, "Are you kidding me? How can this man, who is so sweet and patient and caring (not to mention hawt!) actually be in love with you? Do you remember being married to the "good enough"guy that decided that sex with other people was perfectly ok? What are you thinking girl?!"

Now I am lucky enough to be able to discuss this with people who can smack the darkness out of my head and then there is the lightness I feel when I tell MAT my fears. Having gone through a nasty break up with D's mom he understands, but there is something about being Colombian that makes me take things in stride and not dwell on the darkness in life. Ok, it might be genetic, but I still think it might be cultural.

I am determined to take each day and appreciate the hell out of it.