Happy Birthday Baby...

Today you are three.

I am overwhelemed by you every day, my sweet baby. Overwhelmed by your laugh and how you crinkle your nose like I do when you are being cute. 

How you make those facial expressions that are so me, but yet so you.  

How you are becoming a strong personality that I do worry will overpower me-until I remember how strong my personality is now that is.

How you amazingly decided to wear big girl panties just like we hadn't been trying to get you to go to the potty for months. You decided on youe own. So strong. So independant. So much of what I hope you continue to be.

But most of all, I am most overwhelmed when you are sleeping and I can still pretened you are my little baby...that I do not have to think about giving you up one day.

I am amazed at the little girl you have become and stand breatheless thinking of the person you will grow into.

I love you Cait! 

So Cute

Disclaimer: This is a seriously sappy posting! Please do not continue reading if you have low tolerances for sap in its many forms. Please stop reading immediately if you find yourself gagging or the eye rolling gets frequent enough to strain any muscles.  

Don't say I didn't warn you...


SO, I met my beautiful Colombian again this weekend. I am constantly taken aback by the big smile that travels right up past his eyes to his forehead every time he sees me. Hugs, kisses, and hand holding follow that smile that never actually fades.

Then he asks, "Do you like my shirt?"

Now this may sound like like a random and slightly odd question, and I thought so to until I looked again at it. You see, the shirt was a tiny, tiny, tiny red and white gingham that looks almost pink from far away. Still confused?  Once before I had made a comment about how nice he'd look in pink because of his complexion. Let me just say, the pink looked fabulous on him and I told him so. 

I also had to add, "So, did you buy that shirt because I told you you'd look so good in pink?"

He looked down smiling, "Yeeeahhhh. I did; so you DO like?" Do you know how hard it was to play it cool on that question? Seriously, people. You just do NOT know! However, I did show my appreciation for him going out on a limb and believing me. Once again, trying not to read things into it, but can't help but giggle at what it could possibly mean.


Anyway...we venture on our merry way and stop for coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact we do always have coffee first. Why? Because I'm a McCarty and he's Colombian-that's why. SO there!  There was a girl in front of us that had on a pair of bright pink shoes. they weren't the cutest things in the world (kinda like a low top Uggs), but I liked the color and they looked comfy. I commented on them, but he looked and then immediately looked at my feet. You see I have a pair of bright pink suede loafers that I love and have worn several times. SO he looks at me and says, "They aren't cute. YOURS are much cuter? Why you didn't wear your pink shoes? You could have shown her cute shoes." Ahhh, it's like he knows exactly what a girl needs to hear to feel wonderful.

Good times. Good times.

Anyway, he asked me about wanting to go back to school to get his Master's degree, thinking he could work for a bigger company if he had a diploma from the US instead of just from Colombia. Personally, I think it's bullshit his diploma isn't as accepted here. I mean, mathmatics in the same in every language and country right? I also imagine Physics is the same. Sooooo is an Engineering degree from Colombia THAT different from one from here? Pfft! Whatever people! He seemed to really want my input and, of course, I was positive about it because it seemed very important to him to have an American diploma AND because he has ambition to do more that what he is currently doing. Plus, you guys know I'm all about education.  

We talked, laughed, drank coffee, ate, walked, hugged, held hands, kissed and generally had a wonderful time. His assessment of me? I'm pleasant to spend time with, nice, sweet, easy going, understanding, cute, funny, smart, fun, optimistic, flexible, relaxing...and that's pretty much where he stopped. I think that's a damn fine list. (especially since, from what I gather, D's mom is the exact opposite of all of that. OK, I'm betting she's pretty, but I've never seen a pic or anything of her.)

What do you guys think? Is that what becomes a girl friend, or would if I didn't live 3 hours away? I guess we shall see... 

Good Kinds of Trouble Brewing

Sooooooooooo, I have to share this basically because I want a written record that I have just had one of the three cutest, most disgustily sweet and nausiating conversations ever with my beautiful Colombian! (Conversations that I never thought I would ever had in my entire life, mind you.)

The first?
After a particularly sweet comment I giggled (I do a lot of giggling) and said, "Oh, you are so sweet." His reply? (I swear I am telling the truth; this is not a lie or a put on in any way even if it sounds like it!) "No, you are sweet." Me: "I dont' know you are awful sweet." Him: "You are sweeter."

If I'm lying I'm dying!

The next one of those was started over me saying he was cute. Swear to God (Thanks Uncle Sonny) he instantly said, "No, you are cute." And thus the "argument" begins...

What was today's about? Ummm, it was about who was more wonderful.

Isn't it just disgusting?

Do I love it?

Oh, you bet your sweet ass I do!

I'm enjoying every single second of it. I have even stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, I realize that it can at any second, but I'm pretty sure he'd give me a heads up AND I'm really enjoying the ride right now and plan to not get in my head too much about it.

Besides, a Theta sistah of mine, who is married to a beautiful Latin man herself, told me that from the sounds of it I should go ahead and start planning the wedding. Not that I will or anything because that'd be pretty creepy, but I do accept the fact that he does like me and does want to continue to develop things, even if we are 3 hours apart.

Me? Of course I do. I mean, how often does a girl get a text at 7:00 AM that says, "Good morning precious. have a great day."

Group Date

So the last time I uttered the question, "The kids and I are going to ____, why don't you come with us" to a guy there was a deafening simlence that followed and a few days later he bolted! Seriosuly, he really did. No call. No text. No return texts. No FB chat. NOTHING. Whatever.

So, the other day when I made the comment, "Since you ahve to work on Saturday and you don't have a sitter on Sunday, what do you think about all of us getting together-the whole crew?"

Now, I would be lying if I said I wasn't completely naucious as soon as I realized what I had just said because of previous experience. Granted the last guy didn't have kids and MAT does, but that doens't mean he'd be all Woo Hoo about hanging out with my kiddies. 

His reaction? "That sounds great!" And he means it! I did asl him if it made him uncomfortable and I swear I heard the confused look on his face as he typed (yep, we were chatting), "No. We have kids, so it's a natural thing for us to do something together with our kids." So...he and I are having a group date on Sunday....me, him, Tristan, Caitlin, and Diego.

I'm both excited and a bit nervous. What if my kids are terrible and behave like wild animals? What if Diego just hates me? (Not that I've ever met a 2 year old that didn't like, but but you never know.) What if lots of things...

Not that I've ever been in this position, but I'm thinking it's kind of a big deal for two people who have kids and like one another to get together with thier kids. It feels like a big deal.

The End of a Year

Looking back over this past year and change I am awestruck by my own perseverance. Seriously, I might as well toot my own fucking horn here because just how many people do you know that could have not only survived the past two years of my life, let alone come out smiling....I mean really.

TOOT-TOOT!!!!!!

Anyway, I will begin my saying that I found 2009 to be the shittiest year in recorded history. There are just no accurate words to described the incredibly fucked up nature of that whole year. There are very few people I know who do NOT look at that year with disdain, but I have special reason to hate everything about it...

First, I lose my wonderful Aunt on Christmas Day (so, it was technically 2008, but you will understand in a minute why it all fits together.). Then, exactly 30 days later, on Jan 25th, I lose my Uncle. (It would be terribly romantic if it were people NOT related to me, but it's fucking terrible and depressing when you really love those people.) Then, a few months later, I lose my Godfather, who was also my Great Uncle. 

Can we say my family was having a shitty year and I was about to get worried for my Pop?! I mean REALLY people.

Anyhoo...A few months later I lose my marriage and family until thrusting me into full Single Mom status. Yippymotherfuckingskippy!

The rest of 2009 was spent with me trying desperately to figure out what the fuck I was supposed to do now that I had to start from the begining.

2010 began somehow...I seriously do not remember. Truthfully, I only remember thinking on New Year's Day that I went the whole day without crying and it was the first New Year's Day I hadn't cried in somewhere around 10 years. (Speaking of shitty and fucked up)

This past year was spent trying to navigate the mind-field of living with my parents, (ok, so maybe just my mom-God love her), trying to find a job, and trying to figure out exactly what I want out of life.

Do I know now? Nope.

Am I closer than I was two years ago? Oh hell yeah!!!

So, my New Year's day this year will be spent with a beautiful man who starts each conversation with "Hello gorgeous" or "hello beautiful" and I predict I will not cry this year either.

Tonight I am (besides typing this quickly from another room) hanging out with my bf D and my kiddies. We ate pizza, baked cookies, and have laughed a ton so far. Once the kiddies fall asleep or at least hold still a little while, we will have a drink and gossip about life.

So far, I'm a fan of 2011...

Afternoon Happiness

So, let me just tell you, guys!! I had the most wonderful afternoon! Truly, I did! 

What happened you ask?


Well................................................

I met my sweet, beautiful, Colombian soccer player (henceforth known as MAT because, well, those are his initials.) in Mobile today at Starbucks. A coffee on the patio while we laughed and talked (and he held my hand) set the tone quite well. Yep, you read that correctly; as soon as we saw one another and hugged, he immediately slipped my hand to the inside crook of his arm, covering it with the other. (Totally swoon-worthy!)

Now this may not seem wondrously interesting to most, but as someone who has always craved touch, yet have never dated a man who shared that, it was a huge deal. I mean, I've had the constant gropers and the "Oh look we are alone" grabbers, but never, never have I had a man who could simply drape his arm around my shoulder as a gesture of affection or hold my hand without a single thought as to place, people, or appropriateness. Plus, it was touch that was affection for the sake of affection and not overtly sexual. (Not that there was no chemistry or slight undertone, but it wasn't touch meant to just be about sex. That was nice. Affection just to show care not just an avenue to get laid.)

And I must admit that because of that I have always been a bit timid, but I never gave it a second though to throw my arm around his waist and hug him back or reach backwards for his hand when the passageway was narrow and I had to walk ahead of him. It was as though I had been doing that for years.  I also haven't dated a guy who was as animated as me-hand and face.

I did find out juicy tidbits today....it is not a stereotype to assume that as a Colombian he loves coffee (when I asked the question he smiled and said, "Of course I love coffee; I'm Colombian."), he gets moody when hungry, almost always drives the speed limit (Except today, he got a speeding ticket on his way to Mobile. His first ever!), he likes to play with Diego's toys, and he thinks it would be interesting to live in Atlanta (However, I'm not sure he can just pick up and move since his company sponsor's his visa to live here. I don't really know how all that works.).

Didn't I tell you guys he was my Colombian soccer player? Yep, wasn't kidding. He really is from Colombia-like his whole life and his family still lives there. NOTE- He did ask me if I thought I'd enjoy or have a problem with visiting Colombia. Just saying. I know he is just ticking off random questions that might become an issue if this continues, but it still denotes the thought of future. Personally, I think it would rock! However, I like to travel to new places.

Oh, I also learned that bullshit you read in romance novels about a "smouldering" look can actually be accomplished by a Latin man. If it can be accomplished by anyone else I've never seen it, but I've seen attempts-laughable attempts. MAT can smile and then focus his eyes in a way that is just tingle central. Seriously, you can damn near feels what he's thinking. :) 

Anyway, when it was time to go, he drove me to my car and kissed me several times before I went to my car and began my trek home. or should I say...my smiley trek home.

Yep, I smiled all the way home.

It really was the kind of day that definitely makes all other things seem wonderful.

To be continued...

Ugh, Why Me?!?!

I almost died today while getting ready for Church.

I do not lie, perhaps I exaggerate, but I do not lie. 

While washing my face to reapply a fresh face for public consumption, leaned into the mirror to check my brows, which badly need plucking btw, and noticed the most horrific thing EVER!!! 

I have lines around my eyes.

The last time I really looked I only had a few little slight things fluttering straight off of the corner of my eyes. Not a big deal. They were hardly noticeable unless I smiled and then they were only a vague badge that showed how often I've smiled in my life. Not a deal!

Today I saw terrible, horrible, grotesque caverns that not only settled into my skin straight from my eyes, but they also traveled SOUTH from my eyes. Holfyfuckingshit, people! What is that about!!!????!!!!

I'm serious, the only thing that has been different in the past few months is my weight loss... 

OMFG!!! Is nature telling me that as I lose weight I will find myself amazingly disfigured by wrinkles???

What's that shit about? Is weight loss that important?

Should I keep the weight just so I don't become the Crypt Keeper?

Oh, someone help me?! I need to go to Walmart TO-NIGHT and buy some serious wrinkle cream!!! Heaven help me...I really am too vain to have anything so horrible around my favorite feature. *sigh* 

Perhaps I just waited too long to lose weight and I really will just find that I will have more and more and more as I shrink...OMG, I really DO look like the people I talk about that look old for my age.

Alas...Karma begins to kick my ass....

I really have nothing to say today because it's a really good day. LC had to work today, but he did send a very sweet text. 


"Thinking about you!"  



 (Excuse me while I giggle like a fourteen year old girl right now...{blush})

That's all I got for today. 

Well, that and my smile.  

Big Smiles

Can I say that I all but swooned on this gem I received today....

Can't stay on line but just wanted to say that I am thinking about you. Have a great day!

 

I swear, just about the time I think I'm totally imagining the whole thing and there's no way he could really like me I get something like this from him...and then, of course, I get all silly and smiley. I'm such a damn girl.  

Associations

So, here are just a few words that have been associated with me by a certain, very sweet someone...

• adorable (This has been said several times in conversation.)
• awesome (This was accompanied by an exclamation mark in a text message, thank you very much.)
• great
• cool
• funny

Just saying....I'm totally smiling right now (and blushing eeeever so slightly).

Interests and Dealbreakers

So, I started composing this in my head last night while driving home from Hattiesburg, home from my date with LC. I thought about how my life has changed evolved over the past decade. As a young 22 year old (I'm NOT 33 yet, people) I had a definitely LIST of what I wanted in a guy. Let me just tell you that this list was long, detailed, and definitely specific. Now, I was no different from any of my friends or any other girls I knew because we ALL had lists, but I had no idea where the LIST would lead-eventual disaster. Yep, the ex embodied the list. He met pretty much every singe requirement, even "Must be able to recite Shakespeare" and I thought I must be the luckiest girl ever. Now, when the world blew up on me I began to readjust my perspective. As I healed up I decided that the list did me wrong or maybe I just did the list wrong. Yeah, I did the list wrong.  Instead of concentrating on a list of random attributes I should have thought about things that would make life happier.

This being said, I have developed The Dealbreakers. There are not very many, but they are concrete, unchangable, and nonnegotiable.

1-Addictionless. I will never again subject myself to dealing with alcoholism or any other additction that takes away from me or my family.
2-Must love my babies and be willing to be an "instant dad" because my children have no other, and barely remember the "donor". (In fact, Cait doesn't at all. She thinks my dad is her dad.) 

Yep, that's it. No Shakespeare. No physical features. No specific personality traits. Just no addicts and love my babies. Why? Those are the things that are super important to me and were the issues that caused strife in my life and my former marriage.

That being said, I bet you guys want me to just get on with the discussion of my date yesterday. Well, it went a little something like this...

By the time I got to Hattiesburg, I really was thinking I'd have to pull over to throw up. I mean, I was chewing a piece of gum (Hey, I drank a lot of coffee during class, don't judge) and even my little piece of Big Red was making me gag. Yep, it was pretty bad. Thankfully, just being in the Burg relaxes me, so that's a big plus. I also found out a very significant thing about myself yesterday; I feel compelled to constantly reapply mascara when nervous.Ii think I had on at least 6 layers and the details of my eyelashes could be seen for at least a mile. Just saying.

Anyway, he arrived just before me and my first thought was, "Holy shit he's tall. Ooo I don't think I've ever seen a guys truck that clean in my life." (Don't you guys just love my inner monologue?! Such an insite to my random-ass psyche.) Since he was there first there was no final hair fluff or lipstick check (SO glad I reapplied at the last stop light) so I just got out of the car, took a deep breath, and walked over to him. I was right...he is seriously tall. Seriously, I had too look up at him and didn't even come up to his shoulder. (I realize that I'm pretty short at 5'3", but he's like 6'1". More about that later.)

I won't bore anyone with the details like he has really pretty eyes (A blue/grey that have an inner and outer ring of darker blue) that never left my face, even though I had on a V neck top. He might have peaked when my head was turned, but I never noticed. Call me crazy, but that's a sign of a polite and very disciplined guy.

I referred to him above as a guy, but actually, guy is the wrong word for him.  He's a man. A grown man. And as scary as that sounds to me, it was nice to be in the company of someone who was totally comfortable with himself and his life. He is every bit of who I saw yesterday and that was so new and relaxing.

I had a great time. I found myself smiling at the strangest moments-like the whole time. We laughed the entire time. When we sat next to one another it was toally natural for him to put his arm around me to play with my hair. I was every bit of who I naturally am-my opinions, my thoughts, my mannerisms, my voice where I would normally feel as though I should shift or alter myself to present the "best face" (see earlier post She's Shifty for examples). He held my hand it felt as though it had always been there. He even continued to pay attention to me as he had to take a work call; we all know I'm a sucker for attention.

I felt important. But most importantly...

I never felt anxious, which you guys know is almost crazy talk. In fact, it continued on the way home because I had no wild, nervous energy to work off or think out. I simply drove home and spoke to him occasionally as he checked up on me at random intervals.

He texted me this morning to tell me he had a great time and I was "awesome", plus making usre I'd had a nice time. 

I'd say it a good sign....

On Love

People talk about love all the time. In fact, we probably over used the word; after all can we really love everything we claim to love?


If I say I love a movie or a song or a pair of shoes,  does it take away the meaning from when I say I love my children? It's different, of course, but is it possible to love a person and a pair of shoes the same amount, but on different planes?

I ask because, like most girls, I really expected love to be this amazing force that spun me around and made me see the world in a totally different way. Something huge and overwhelmingly powerful that takes your breath away. Now did I feel that about "whatshisname"? No, but by point I didn't figure it was physically possible for me to fall in love and I was using a mini-checklist to find the perfect guy. (The reason I didn't think I could actually feel love is for another post because, truthfully, I have NO idea where that idea came from.)

However, the love I feel for my children isn't even that crazy, powerful way. It's much more  of a quiet feeling that ebbs higher at certain times, but it's always there. It's not even something I'm concious of; it almost feels like another appendage-it's just there. Is that what actual love, like romantic love, feels like too?

I mean I always thought I was very much an Elinore, but I'm thinking maybe I've been a Marianne all along, but tried to force myself into Elinore's shoes. (Note-If you have neither read or seen the Emma Thompson version of Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austin you will just not understand that statement no matter how hard I try to expalin it.)

I mean, how much have the lines, "Can the soul really be satisfied with such polite affections? To love is to burn, to be on fire. Like Juliet or Guinevere or Eloise." always resonated with my heart? But that would be infatuation woudn't it? A blaze that fades and fizzles as time rides by and eventually leaves you shivering. Perhaps, instead, it is a slow, quite smolder that, much like the love I have for the kids, flares and burns at times and then dies back into something comforting and manageable, easy to maintain. Is that really it? I know most of you are married, faithful few? Is that really what it is? Have I finally unlocked some mystery that has puzzled me for 32 years?

Is the true fairy tale just being happy to smile into the eyes for someone else for years?

These are things I need answered guys...come on. I need a bit of help here.

Smiles All Around

So, for those that do not follow me on facebook, which means for those who aren't in my immediate family,  I and having the BEST time begin back in the classroom, even if it is only on a part time basis. I swear that it gets  more fun with each class.

But first a bit of back story...the class I'm teaching at the local Community College (MSGCC-JC to be exact) is a short term Comp I & Comp II class. In essence, they will get a year's worth of English in one semester. Tough, but great to get things out of the way. Anyway, the "normal" teacher is out with back surgery. She has been the ONLY person to ever teach these two particular class. EVER!

A majority of the students were expecting her, only to see my smiling face the first day. Needless to say, those expecting her had reservations until about half way through the first class.

That begin said, last night I was told the coolest thing EVER and had to share...I had a student, a returning non-traditional student who had talked to and expected the "other" lady to be exact, told me on her way out of the class that she and another student were discussing me during one of the class breaks. (It's a 5 hour class, we take lots of breaks.) She told me that they were both really glad that I was their teacher and couldn't imagine the other teacher being anywhere as supportive and fun as I am.

Now I tried to be modest and replied, "Well I hope you both still feel that way in December," but inwardly, my faithful few, I was preening like a peacock.

Damn, it's hard to be humble sometimes.

Let's just hope comments like that make their way around campus and land me a permanent position. Fingers cross people. Fingers crossed!!!