Bravery and Removal of Doubt

So, I inadvertently started a "talk" with my MAT last night. Actually, it was accidentally on purpose to be honest because I had been wondering for a little while, but too chicken-shit to actually ask a question. yep, I was scared to hear the answer and in my family if you don't talk about it then it doesn't actually happen. Ignorance being the path of bliss.

Anyway...a blast from the past popped up on my chat and suddenly asked me out. Surprised since I haven't actually heard from LC in forever (yeah, you remember him? He was the one that got all scared about the kids and bailed on me. Weak!) and he suddenly wants to get together again.

Now, since MAT is working on Saturday and has D all Sunday, I will not get to see my sweet and sexy Colombian, but it made me realize that even if I WAS interested in seeing him (which I'm not because he freaking flaked on me) I'd rather save the little "Jamie" time I have towards weekend passes to see my beautiful Colombian.

Since that was my thought process, that's what I told him when he asked about my day. I quickly realized what it sounded like and said, "Now I'm not trying to make you feel anyway or do anything, I'm just telling you what I felt."

He was perfectly fine having the conversation though. He said he was glad I was thinking in terms of being exclusive because he definitely likes me and wants to continue to see me. We agreed that the only real stumbling block we have right now is the 3 hours that separate our lives. But he did ask me to be patient with him and his full and busy life, while assuring me he'll be patient with mine.  

Group Date

So the last time I uttered the question, "The kids and I are going to ____, why don't you come with us" to a guy there was a deafening simlence that followed and a few days later he bolted! Seriosuly, he really did. No call. No text. No return texts. No FB chat. NOTHING. Whatever.

So, the other day when I made the comment, "Since you ahve to work on Saturday and you don't have a sitter on Sunday, what do you think about all of us getting together-the whole crew?"

Now, I would be lying if I said I wasn't completely naucious as soon as I realized what I had just said because of previous experience. Granted the last guy didn't have kids and MAT does, but that doens't mean he'd be all Woo Hoo about hanging out with my kiddies. 

His reaction? "That sounds great!" And he means it! I did asl him if it made him uncomfortable and I swear I heard the confused look on his face as he typed (yep, we were chatting), "No. We have kids, so it's a natural thing for us to do something together with our kids." So...he and I are having a group date on Sunday....me, him, Tristan, Caitlin, and Diego.

I'm both excited and a bit nervous. What if my kids are terrible and behave like wild animals? What if Diego just hates me? (Not that I've ever met a 2 year old that didn't like, but but you never know.) What if lots of things...

Not that I've ever been in this position, but I'm thinking it's kind of a big deal for two people who have kids and like one another to get together with thier kids. It feels like a big deal.

Bellingrath Gardens

So, I was telling you guys earlier in the week that I had a date for Friday night, so since it's Saturday, I figured I'd update...

Yep, I did in fact have a date. Interesting fact, even in heels, I only come mid-chest to someone who is 6'6". Just saying. why is this important? Well, because BG is, in fact, 6'6".   And kudos for him that there were no short jokes thrown about-at least out loud.

He was very sweet. Great voice. Great smile. Soothing demeanor. And I'm always a fan of someone who doesn't mind a few silences - comfortable silences.

After meeting at the resraunt where we would eventually have dinner, we wandered through Belligrath. We chatted a bit, made both appropriate and inappropriate jokes about people and the scenery (he likes to eavesdrop too; a major plus for me), and since he'd been there before he was a wonderful tour guide while I sipped hot chocolate and enjoyed his company. Now, I'm not saying there wasn't a bit of underlying tension because I can tell he is naturally as shy as I am, but we were both working through it and having a good time.

Ok, so I have to interject that when I slid into the passanger seat of his car I was instantly surrounded by the masculine smell of him, I did instantly feel warm and comfortable...and just a little tingly.

Anyway, after the gardens we had dinner and pleasant conversation. He smiles very well. I travels up to his eyes and lights up his face. He also mentioned another Christmasy thing that he enjoyed and was searching for...and double checked when I was leaving for Atlanta. Hummm, I think that means I'm going to be invited out again.  

Once dinner was over he walked me to my car, hugged me, and asked me to be careful.

I texted him to let him know I was home safe and sounds and he was glad I let him know and said he'd talk to me soon. 

I wonder how soon? 

I Stand Corrected

Do you how I have said over and over and over that I hate roses, especially red ones? Umm, I have to officially retract that statement.

While they will probably never be my favorite in the world, I received a red rose last night and it was undoubtedly the sweetest gesture I have ever witness on a first date.

I found myself both preening like a peacock and blushing furiously at the same time.

Most of the time when roses are presented it seems very contrived, and while it may be typical for him, it didn't feel like it. It felt like he actually wanted to make the effort to make me smile. I like that.

I guess roses aren't so bad after all.  

In Honor of Being Sneaky

I have been racking my brain since I signed up for my friend's blogfest at Cerebral Lunchbox to figure out exactly what to write about. You see, we are supposed to write about a time when we screwed someone over (or got screwed over ourselves) in honor of just how badly the native Americans were screwed over when the first "pale face" stepped foot off a boat.

Ahhh...that was a fine bit of nasty sneakiness wasn't it?

Of course, I totally feel remorseless because every person who would create the future genetics of me were either chillin in Ireland or being of the screwed over Choctaws. Therefore, I can SO talk all the shit I want.

But I believe I digress...I still have to think of something witty and creatively intelligent to say about being screwed over. Grrrr... So here's the thing, I started this blog because I was screwed over. Like Royally So! (If you are new here I really don't want to go into it but feel free to rifle through old posts to hear all about whatshisname and all of the fun we had while married. Whoa palatable sarcasm. Too much?) Anyway...

Since I can conjure up any examples of a time when I deliberately screwed someone over in a malicious way (I'm one of those people that's just too damn nice for her own good. It's disgusting really.) I figured I'd talk about how I subtly subject my little children to being screwed over in small amount each day. (Having half of my genes they too, are too nice for their own good too.)

Now, before anyone calls DHS on me, just read on because it's more about being sneaky than really being mean...because it's all about leaving the house.

You see my babies tend towards being Mommy Clingy (even now I'm typing this one handed because Cait is laying beside me holding my hand. Not hating, just saying.) and the love to go places. They love riding in cars (I'm so thankful they are good trip takers, but I think that's another post). They love going shopping They love people watching. Basically, it's obvious that we share genetics because I'm the same way, I just like to go and be out. Now most of the time I take them wherever I go, but there are times when Mommy needs a break. A Break, do you hear me?! 

I have never never never understood those "Martyr Mommies" that insist that they love to live for their children's every waking moment and breathe. Seriously? Did you just move here from Stepford or are you diseased? Don't get too close I'm afraid whatever it is you have will rub off on me and I will forget how to be Jamie. Personally, I think they are lying because they think that's what woman/mommies are supposed to do. Yeah, umm not so much here...Anywhoo, I digress yet again, sorry...

So back to my break. I do not get them very often, but when I do I am ready and out the door in 5 minutes flat!!! I do not want to waste a single second to sweet freedom and quiet, but I am almost always left with the problem of how to get out of the door unnoticed. Now Tuesday nights, when I have class, they are nonplussed about me leaving then because they know that mommy works on that night, but any other time I have tiny tots scrambling for shoes and trying to barricade the door by the time I get there. "I go. I go!!" Sigh

How do I get them out of the way so I can sneak out and enjoy my time alone? Oh, I'm a total sneak and, thankfully, my parents share this trait and have no problem with bribery. I usually send them into the den under the guise of "Poppa has a treat for you guys" and as soon as they round the corner to the den, I silently slide out the door.

Now it doesn't always work and there have been times I have left them yelling and banging on the door, and yes, as a matter of fact, I can here them as I walk to the car. And yes, I do continue to walk to the car. Why?

Three reasons:

1. My parents will bribe them with candy or food to make them stop.
2. They will be over it and be completely fine in 60 seconds.
3. By the time I'm willing to leave without distraction, I need to go. Seriously. Need. To. Go.

Does this make the world's worst Mommy? While so many think so, I tend to belive that perserving my sanity makes me a much better Mommy...sneakiness and all.  

Interests and Dealbreakers

So, I started composing this in my head last night while driving home from Hattiesburg, home from my date with LC. I thought about how my life has changed evolved over the past decade. As a young 22 year old (I'm NOT 33 yet, people) I had a definitely LIST of what I wanted in a guy. Let me just tell you that this list was long, detailed, and definitely specific. Now, I was no different from any of my friends or any other girls I knew because we ALL had lists, but I had no idea where the LIST would lead-eventual disaster. Yep, the ex embodied the list. He met pretty much every singe requirement, even "Must be able to recite Shakespeare" and I thought I must be the luckiest girl ever. Now, when the world blew up on me I began to readjust my perspective. As I healed up I decided that the list did me wrong or maybe I just did the list wrong. Yeah, I did the list wrong.  Instead of concentrating on a list of random attributes I should have thought about things that would make life happier.

This being said, I have developed The Dealbreakers. There are not very many, but they are concrete, unchangable, and nonnegotiable.

1-Addictionless. I will never again subject myself to dealing with alcoholism or any other additction that takes away from me or my family.
2-Must love my babies and be willing to be an "instant dad" because my children have no other, and barely remember the "donor". (In fact, Cait doesn't at all. She thinks my dad is her dad.) 

Yep, that's it. No Shakespeare. No physical features. No specific personality traits. Just no addicts and love my babies. Why? Those are the things that are super important to me and were the issues that caused strife in my life and my former marriage.

That being said, I bet you guys want me to just get on with the discussion of my date yesterday. Well, it went a little something like this...

By the time I got to Hattiesburg, I really was thinking I'd have to pull over to throw up. I mean, I was chewing a piece of gum (Hey, I drank a lot of coffee during class, don't judge) and even my little piece of Big Red was making me gag. Yep, it was pretty bad. Thankfully, just being in the Burg relaxes me, so that's a big plus. I also found out a very significant thing about myself yesterday; I feel compelled to constantly reapply mascara when nervous.Ii think I had on at least 6 layers and the details of my eyelashes could be seen for at least a mile. Just saying.

Anyway, he arrived just before me and my first thought was, "Holy shit he's tall. Ooo I don't think I've ever seen a guys truck that clean in my life." (Don't you guys just love my inner monologue?! Such an insite to my random-ass psyche.) Since he was there first there was no final hair fluff or lipstick check (SO glad I reapplied at the last stop light) so I just got out of the car, took a deep breath, and walked over to him. I was right...he is seriously tall. Seriously, I had too look up at him and didn't even come up to his shoulder. (I realize that I'm pretty short at 5'3", but he's like 6'1". More about that later.)

I won't bore anyone with the details like he has really pretty eyes (A blue/grey that have an inner and outer ring of darker blue) that never left my face, even though I had on a V neck top. He might have peaked when my head was turned, but I never noticed. Call me crazy, but that's a sign of a polite and very disciplined guy.

I referred to him above as a guy, but actually, guy is the wrong word for him.  He's a man. A grown man. And as scary as that sounds to me, it was nice to be in the company of someone who was totally comfortable with himself and his life. He is every bit of who I saw yesterday and that was so new and relaxing.

I had a great time. I found myself smiling at the strangest moments-like the whole time. We laughed the entire time. When we sat next to one another it was toally natural for him to put his arm around me to play with my hair. I was every bit of who I naturally am-my opinions, my thoughts, my mannerisms, my voice where I would normally feel as though I should shift or alter myself to present the "best face" (see earlier post She's Shifty for examples). He held my hand it felt as though it had always been there. He even continued to pay attention to me as he had to take a work call; we all know I'm a sucker for attention.

I felt important. But most importantly...

I never felt anxious, which you guys know is almost crazy talk. In fact, it continued on the way home because I had no wild, nervous energy to work off or think out. I simply drove home and spoke to him occasionally as he checked up on me at random intervals.

He texted me this morning to tell me he had a great time and I was "awesome", plus making usre I'd had a nice time. 

I'd say it a good sign....

Strange Realizations

So, my friend, D, and I were chatting last night, discussing our amazing lack of lives, when I was totally caught off guard with what should have been obvious. When she and I talk about these things we want we are actually talking about vastly different things.

I said I wanted a social life. (Now this is the part where I admit that I actually sabotage myself from having a social life. The longer I at home, without said life, the more likely I am to stay that way. I even start to make up excuses and plot how to NOT go anywhere. It almost feels like I make myself agoraphobic. Now multiply that with the guilt I feel whenever I go somewhere without the kids and my parents watch them for me. Hell, I only went to the gym once this past week because I just felt terrible and selfish every time I thought about going. If the kids weren't asleep, I just couldn't make myself go. I feel like I have to work up as much good will with my mom as possible because my kids stress her out. She's a believer that kids should be seen and not heard and my kids just can't manage that one-my fault, I didn't raise them that way.) Anyhow, back to my story...

D, however, wants an exciting life. Now the description she presented of the "perfect, fantasy life of excitement" sounded like I would find it fun for about five minutes-perhaps ten, but definitely no longer than an hour.

I think excitement might be overrated or at least what most people consider excitement. I'm just not an adrenaline junkie. I can handle roller coasters about once a year (at best). While I drive a little fast, it makes me hyperventilate to ride with someone driving fast. I prefer to eeeeaaassse into new situations, not jump in head first. in other words, I'm a total scardy cat. I admit it.

However, I think there is something to be said about calm souls and enjoy quiet evenings as much nights out. That sounds like a whole lot of fun to me. I mean, me ex was the life of the party. Fun, outgoing, and totally bored by nights at home with me and the kids. In think that was one of the issues that prompted him to find, umm, another playmate-as it were. An evening playing with the kids and snuggling on the couch after they are in bed sounds as thrilling to me as an evening out...actually it sounds way more fun than a wild night at a club.

Ahhh my wild and crazy dreams...

Girl's Night Out

I get to have a night out tonight with friends!! I'm so excited I can't stand it. Actually it's the second time in a month I'm gotten one and I'm overwelmed by the awesomeness(is that a word? Hum, it is now!) of my parents. (Thanks Mom and Dad!) Although tonight will be WAY more low key than last Saturday, I can tell it will be an amazing amount of fun-plus, I don't need another night out that makes me 2 days to recover from again for a while. *sigh*) Thinking of all the poor Girl's Night Outless Ladies out there iv'e decided to complie a list of ways to know just when you might need one.

Do you know you need a Girl's Night Out? (Non-Mom)
1. Spike has become your favorite channel.
2. Thought about watching Family Jewels just to get a shot of Shannon Tweed's boobs.
3. The senetence "no one actually needs more than 3 pairs of shoes anyway" has exited your lips.
4. Burping and passing gas has become funny.

Do you know you need a Girl's Night Out? (Mom)

1. You know the theme song for more than 4 cartoons-plus all the characters.
2. Discussions about poop are more common thatn discussions about the lastest gossip.
3. You can't remember watching something that isn't animated, even when the kids are in bed.
4. Your kids are better dressed then you.
5. The idea of shopping and NOT buying something for the kids fills you with guilt and confusion-what do you buy if you don't buy for the kids?

Seriously, ladies, if you experience ANY of those symptoms, please seek out your closest girl-friend and immediatly make plans for an evening away from anything that isn't directly related to things that are pretty, sparkly, and girly.

Trust me on this...I know what I'm talking about.