Random thoughts and musings of a single Mom striving to follow dreams and find pure BLISS.

When the excitment just isn't there.

Have you ever really wanted to get excited about something, but just couldn't work up the nerve? That's what I'm currently feeling right now.

You see, I have 2 interviews this week and although I really want to get all pumped and excited about, I'm feeling a bit underwhelmed. Ok, I won't bullshit you guys, I'm scared as hell to get excited because, let's face it, I haven't had the best of luck in the interview department. I mean-Really. Now, I have also already interviewed for a job at this same school...humm, it was about this time last year as a matter of fact.

Needless to say, I didn't get the job. And I should have. Although, maybe they realize that now. 

Maybe that's a leg up or perhaps it just makes me look desperate as hell. I guess looking desperate isn't SO bad because, again something to face guys, I am. 

I also have  date this weekend.  And this would be another area I haven't been having the best of luck in.  It's funny though, I wasn't ever a dater before. Seriously. I jut kinda fell into relationships and never really was the girl that went on dates and "played the field". I never questioned it because, while I think I'm pretty damn cute, I realize that I was not, am not, and never will be that girl that instantly gets noticed from across the room. It's ok and it's not from a lack of self esteem, I promise. I'm just Jamie and there's nothing so eye catching and fantastical that instantly attracts the whole idea of eyes meeting from across the crowded, smoky room. That's not how I roll and that's ok. I'm more of the cute girl that becomes a "wow" after a conversation or two. Yep, I'm personality attractive. (And it's always pissed me off that "She has a great personality translates to "she's not attractive".)

So, I find it confusing to be this serial dater now. I'm not kidding. I've gone on dates with 3 (this Sat will be guy 4) since August and only one has made it to date 3. One of them would have had schedules been more kind and he not freaked out about my kids, but that' snot my problem. (Actually, I think he's trying to maneuver another one, but I'm only going to bite if I see some serious motivation on his part- then I'll think about it.  But please no one think I'm holding my really.) 

Anyway, at least the guy this Saturday has a little boy so he understands the idea of time constraints and responsibility that comes with molding a little person's life. He's also "motivated" (his words not mine) to drive anywhere at anytime to spend time with me. Odd. I'm not even sure why I should think it's odd, but I swear it fills me with trepidation.  I feel like I should dig into his psyche and find the hidden reason. Maybe it's because I never gave anyone the chance to act that way towards me or maybe I just kept picking the guys that wouldn't. Humm, probably both.

I've always done for other people because I really don't expect anything done for me. How sad that I do not expect a fuss to be made over me, but let's face it, having never been a "squeaky wheel" I've never had an abundance of attention lavished on me. I've always been able to disappear into the background. Convenient, but not exactly the fodder of dreams, ya know.

I think I'm just in the "Meh, why the hell should I get excited about something that will potentially disapointing and probably not work out anyway" phase. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not feel depressed and, yes, I've been taking my meds, but I just can't motivate myself to get all giddy and excited about either interview or my date. Does this mena that my natual optomism is fading and a pessimistic realism is taking over? Ugh, I hope not. How depressing would that be?

Maybe I just need a vacation.  or maybe I just need SOMETHING to fucking work out-at least for a minute.

Just guessing...


  1. I wouldn't worry about the way you're reacting. It's hard to get all pumped about something that has let you down before. Hopefully this will be the one that breaks the pattern for you! :)

  2. Maybe you are just coming into the quiet place of your life and settling in. What I mean by that is that you are at a point where you don't have to be so worked up about all of it. Not that being excited isn't a good thing, but just that you have made your way into peace. If you get the job, FABULOUS. If not, whatever. Same thing about the guy. You have now been "playing the field" and what have you learned??? Dates are not something to be overly fearful of or have anxiety over. Why? Because when it's over you get to go back home and throw on your pjs and snuggle with your babies. If the date is AWESOME and you get to have another then those are moments go into your happy pile. If the date totally blows and the guy is a douche then, meh....whatever.

    There is no doubt that you will find the perfect job and the perfect guy for you. It may not be today and it may not be tomorrow. But then it again it might..... Until then, however, you can be totally happy where you are. (And I mean in the spiritual sense, not in the physical sense)

    And that in itself is a MAJOR accomplishment on your way to bliss :)

  3. And I am very much all about the Bliss!!


Questions, Comments, Concerns, Thoughts?