Sick and Tired

I am So freaking sick and fucking tired of filling out applications. Seriously. I'm over it. I am in a constant state of applying for jobs, crossing my fingers, getting rejections letters, and applying for something else.  I'm just sick to death of this shit.

When I became a teacher it was under the understanding that teachers were always needed. Umm, lie! At this point I probably couldn't get a job in the Delta right now. I feel like a pariah or something on the coast and I'm not seeing anything further up. Grr!!!!

And just for the record, filling out teacher applications is different from any other, run-of-the-mill application. You have to basically write down everything in the whole world, or maybe it just seems like a lot since I've worked in so many different fucking schools. (Thanks asshole.)

Maybe I'll take a break from the search, even if it does make me feel like a complete loser to sit at my parents home with my kids and my little part time job. I have totally given up writing in the search for a job of some kind, so maybe I should give up the search and go back to writing.

I know I should be patient, but I really feel like my life is on hold-shelved until further notice with no real way out. This that I have now is a partial life because while I live here I feel like and am treated like a teenager (at least my mom does, my Dad realizes I am an adult and the two moneys in the back are my kids.). I mean, I am constantly surrounded without a moment of alone and quiet. I don't feel like I am able to go anywhere or do anything-with or without the kids. I write and there's either a head hanging over me, reading, or a burning look which accuses me other terrible things. Sigh...

I just want to feel like my life is my own. Like my kids and I can get back to our little groove in the world. We had a good thing going in Hattiesburg, but now the idea of the Burg doesn't feel like home anymore. Trouble is I don't know what WILL feel like home. The Coast isn't home. The Burg isn't home. What IS home? I guess I can make anything home that I want to be home, but I'm not quite sure where that will be. Perhaps home is where I will find a job, but what if I don't find a job?! What if I'm stuck here another year?!

Another year of doing nothing, going nowhere, feeling stuck, feeling squished, and wishing my life would start again.