ego, er, ergo...

Each day seems to bring me a new query. Is it possible to have SO many questions swirling around ones head without absolutely going crazy?

Ideas? Plans? Questions? Oh MY!

It just doesn't seem like I'm getting anything done. I step forward and four steps back. Applications out...and then I wait. And wait. And wait. Just to be told, "Nah, that's ok." Sigh...

So, I also found a cool sounding MFA program; it's online with the exception of two week long residencies a year (Spring and Fall). It would take 3 years.(Damn, that sounds like a long-ass time!) And it is specifically designed to help students write a novel that would be published at the end of the program. It sounded SO good and like so much fun until 3 little things popped into my brain:

1. It is not possible for me to leave my kids for two weeks a year to gallivant in PA, even if it is for classes.
2. Holy shit, people would have to read my writing and they would find out quickly that I am a total writing impostor.
3. I just am not sure I write well enough to actually do it, let alone survive it. (Maybe it's just because I've been reading Lauren Willig and she's So good and SO smart. My writing feels a little unsophisticated and common next to her writing.)

Even when my family members get excited about my writing I still feel the need to say, "Really? You really like it? Really?" That's probably the area of life that leaves me the most nervous and feel the most vulnerable. I can't figure out why, I mean, it's only the only complete openness-your heart and soul filleted open like catfish, guts and gore hanging out so the entire Universe can count my ribs and see the muck built up inside. But, who knows...(Me, overly dramatic? Nah.)

I believe I am in serious need for an ego boost - sometimes. See, I can't even say definitively that's what I need. Somedays I feel great and others I'm total despair. Ok, so maybe not despair, but kinda low.

It's hard not to think of all the things that have gone "in opposition of my desires" in the past year and wonder exactly what will go my way.

It would be so nice to have a sweet little cottage somewhere. Just me and the babies, hanging out and enjoying our little lives. Nothing huge. Nothing special. Just quiet and unassuming. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I DO want lots of stuff in my quiet and unassuming life, but not right now. I'm good with calm for now...excitement can wait for the future. I think I just want something to happen so I'll stop feeling like I'm running on a hamster wheel-never getting anywhere but wearing my damn fool self out doing it.

I think I need a vacation from reality...Who wants me first?!