I didn't get it.
*SIGH* There I was trucking along, happily singing a tune and giggling to myself. Was I planning a future up there in the country? Yep. Dude, I didn't even see that wall coming at me so I couldn't stop in time. I ran SMACK into that sucker. What a blow to the ego. That is offically job number and school number 4 (4. 4. four. FOUR! 4!!!!!) that has given me ye old rejection notice.
At this point I must digress a touch to make sure you understand the I. DO. NOT. take. rejection. well! I know. I know. You are thinking that no one takes it well. But I really am starting to take this shit personally. Yes, I am more expensive than other teachers. Yes, I have been out of the classroom for a year. Yes, I probably SMELL of desperation. But damn somebody needs to help a a single Mom out and freaking hire me!!! Seriously! I'm a really good teacher.
After an hour or so of sweat and tears, my body and my mind began to feel better, but I can't really sat the same for my heart or my soul. All I can think it that had I not trusted Joe, had I listened to my instincts, I would not be in this situation. Then, I would still be working at Gulfport. Then, I'd still have a steady pay check and insurance. Then, I wouldn't feel like a total loser living having to live with her parents because she can't take care of her kids on her own. (Sorry, Pop, that's just how I feel and no amount of "pep talks" can cure that, unfortunatly.)
There IS a small part of me that wonders if this is God's way of telling me She really likes me book idea and what's me to finish it. But the larger part of my brain says, "Yeah, whatever. You've been rejected FOUR times from the only thing that you have ever done or been trained to do. What in the Hell makes you think that you can actually finish, let alone sell a book. Seriously?!! Wow, what a Crackhead." Now a majority of this negative self talk comes from the following facts:
- I have never really had a job that wasn't as a teacher.
- I went to school to BE a teacher.
- I've always WANTED to be a teacher. (The Burn-Out I was feeling before has disapeared and has been replaced with pure necessity...I need a job!)
- I've never made any money writing, which is the only other thing I've ever really wanted to do. (This may be because I'm too chicken-shit to actually submit anything for fear of rejection though-however, not the point.)
you know at one point, you were going to be a writer and you were thinking about jobs at writing places like newspapers or magazines or some such.... Have you thought about the suntimes herald or whatever the name of the newspaper is on the coast? Just thinking... just for a minute... I was proud when you became a teacher, but you have a big-ole-degree... Teachers can do other things... Think outside the box until something opens up... Just sayin... You will be successful, I promise. I love you,,, I promise,,, You are loved,,, I promise...
ReplyDeleteI can feel your frustration...I won't even get into mine here on your blog, but you are not alone. As you said, you are a good teacher and there is a job for you out there. As long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other, you're moving in the right direction. People only fail when they stop trying.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you, your kiddos, and your great parents! Things are gonna get better.
Hey Jamie Girl ~~ Aunt Tanzie may be onto something, which made me think of something else....there are a lot of magazines and online publications that pay freelance writers by the article...It may be sort of like pimping yourself out - writing wise - for a while, but it could give you a different platform in which to write while making a few bucks here and there - AND - you won't have to 9-5 it while you work on your book :)
ReplyDeleteI love you cuz!
I agree with Gina....theres also a website where I have found a few freelance gigs.. www.odesk.com..
ReplyDelete