updates on brick walls.

So, this is my offical update for the Jamie Job Hunt...


I didn't get it.


*SIGH* There I was trucking along, happily singing a tune and giggling to myself. Was I planning a future up there in the country? Yep. Dude, I didn't even see that wall coming at me so I couldn't stop in time. I ran SMACK into that sucker. What a blow to the ego. That is offically job number and school number 4 (4. 4. four. FOUR! 4!!!!!) that has given me ye old rejection notice.

At this point I must digress a touch to make sure you understand the I. DO. NOT. take. rejection. well! I know. I know. You are thinking that no one takes it well. But I really am starting to take this shit personally. Yes, I am more expensive than other teachers. Yes, I have been out of the classroom for a year. Yes, I probably SMELL of desperation. But damn somebody needs to help a a single Mom out and freaking hire me!!! Seriously! I'm a really good teacher.

After an hour or so of sweat and tears, my body  and my mind began to feel better, but I can't really sat the same for my heart or my soul. All I can think it that had I not trusted Joe, had I listened to my instincts, I would not be in this situation. Then, I would still be working at Gulfport. Then, I'd still have a steady pay check and insurance. Then, I wouldn't feel like a total loser living having to live with her parents because she can't take care of her kids on her own. (Sorry, Pop, that's just how I feel and no amount of "pep talks" can cure that, unfortunatly.)

There IS a small part of me that wonders if this is God's way of telling me She really likes me book idea and what's me to finish it. But the larger part of my brain says, "Yeah, whatever. You've been rejected FOUR times from the only thing that you have ever done or been trained to do. What in the Hell makes you think that you can actually finish, let alone sell a book. Seriously?!! Wow, what a Crackhead." Now a majority of this negative self talk comes from the following facts:

1. I have never really had a job that wasn't as a teacher.
2. I went to school to BE a teacher.
3. I've always WANTED to be a teacher. (The Burn-Out I was feeling before has disapeared and has been replaced with pure necessity...I need a job!)
4. I've never made any money writing, which is the only other thing I've ever really wanted to do. (This may be because I'm too chicken-shit to actually submit anything for fear of rejection though-however, not the point.)

Now, I really DO know that it will be ok, but it just sucks huge, ginoumous phallus that I am STILL jobless. Once again forgetting that I recently got a raise from the University of Phoenix and have already been offered (and have accepted) two more classes from them, which start right after my current classes end. I know that one day I WILL be independant and move out of my parent's house. I know that one day I WILL have a job that I really love. I know that one day everything in the world will staighten out and be what I what it to be. I really do know....I just don't know when and that, my dears, is the rub.