Single Mom Identification

As I told all of you earlier, I'm totally in love wiht the Ms. Single Mamma blog. I read a post about her best friend joining the "Single Mom Club" and working through the initial feelings of pain and resentment. (Yeah, so it might not be very happy reading, but it's helpful to me just to know I'm not the only one who feels that way.)

Anyway, Mia (the new member) refered to the "hated title" of single mom and I totally identify with that thought. Taking my kids places and not wearing a wedding ring I'm greated with all sort of pretty looks from people who, I can tell, are trying to figure out if I'm divorced or was never married. Not like it's any of their business, but I can feel thier judgment and my embarrassment rise with the passing of each moment. Everytime my kids throw a fit, my brain flashes red and thinks, "Yep, I'm a testment of how well singlehood works." Fair? Nope. Truthful? Yep.

I read a comment an anonomous reader made on the blog and it made me begin considering embracing my title instead of holding it out in front of me like a dirty diaper.

"I have to respond to something Nicole said. She used the phrase the “hated title” of single mother. I would like every single mother that thinks of herself with such a brand to take a moment to think about the labels we place on ourselves. Sure, society has some labels too…there are those that say the welfare system is full of single mothers and even some of our former “friends” that treat us like we have a plague that is contagious (speaking of welfare: did you know that J.K. Rowling- the author of Harry Potter- was a single mother on welfare prior to making her fortune?) When I was a newlywed, pregnant, and newly abandoned by my husband, I worried so much about what friends, family, facebook acquaintances, colleagues, former colleagues and society would say. I was embarassed to tell people. Even my obsetrician didn’t know when my husband left me during my pregnancy. I am an intelligent, hard-working, generous and attractive woman. I went to an Ivy League college. I am into philanthropy. Things like this don’t happen to good people, right? The birth of my daughter and my new life as a single mom has brought me more joy than I can imagine. Sure I am exhausted. Sure I don’t always feel beautiful. No, I haven’t bought one single piece of clothing for myself since before my baby was born 8 months ago. Yes, I cut corners wherever I can. Sure, I get angry at what my ex did. Yes I’ve cried and cried and cried. (Though not since I was forced to make the decision to end things when he creeped back in.) I am sad and lonely sometimes too. But you know what? Most of all I am so proud of myself. I am a single mom and I am doing a great job on my own, with no relief pitcher (other than my daycare providers who afford me an extra hour a day outside of my workday to myself). In fact, I am doing what so many new parents struggle with as married couples, and I’m doing it on my own. I am PROUD to be a single mother. (And yes, I did need some help from the government when I relocated to the US after 3 years abroad and didn’t have health insurance to cover the costs of childbirth in a hospital.) No, this was not how I planned it. No, this was not how I always imagined it. No, this was not what I wanted. However, I don’t let myself feel embarrassment and I don’t get apologetic. I am not too nervous yet about meeting a significant other in my future because I feel I will find a wonderful man who absolutely adores me and respects me for the great job that I’ve done under difficult circumstances. Of course, what has helped me most has been knowing single moms like myself who have been there and done that and who give me lots of hope for a bright future. Those are the people I call when I have a tough day, not the people who tell me how “impossible” it would be for me to date and remind me what I can’t do. By the way, the first thing I told my new boss (I started a new job when my daughter was 4 months old) after I let her know that I would be taking time out of the work day to pump was that I was a single mother. Please, single mommies, take pride in everything you accomplish. So many of us are doing it with much difficulty financially and emotionally but there is nothing that should be “hated” about us."


Maybe we are hated because we are doing what others are too scared to do?