I have a new love in my life-other than my kids. It's a blog called Ms. Single Mama. Everytime I read a post I have a new emotion that unexpectantly pops up. Raw feelings of anger, sadness, relief, and hope overwhelm my heart causing the shiny new scar to stretch and twist. It's reading this that I realized I've allowed my wounds to heal without moving and it's healed too tight-too stiff. I thought the hard part was behind me, but I guess it's right in front of me.
I've known for a while that I was avoiding certain things because big emotions are so messy. They cause scenes and the tantrums that have been banging on the wall of my heart for almost a year now (or longer) have been stiffled because of it. Truth is, I really don't know how to just unleash all my demons-how to let go of my control. I'm not sure how it woud effect me or those around me because I've always been a "hold it all together" stiff-upper-lip kinda girl. There just doesn't seem to be a good time or place to unlock all of it.
I'm embarrassed of what's inside....the fear, the hate, the sadness, the longing. I mean, why shoud I still have all of it when I am so blessed with health, wonderfully healthy kids, great and supportive friends and family, and parents that help me out more than the "normal" parents would. (Trust me, I have other single Mom friends and we all tell stories. I'm very lucky.) Each time I almost give in, I am reminded of the scene from
Romeo and Juliet where the Friar fusses at Romeo for not appriciating and for not counting his blessings:
A pack of blessings lights up upon thy back;
Happiness courts thee in her best array;
But, like a misbehaved and sullen wench,
Thou pout'st upon thy fortune and thy love:
Take heed, take heed, for such die miserable.
(III/iii/149-151)
I feel so thankless to still feel all of this darkness. I don't want it. I want it gone, but I am clueless as to how to get it out. I thought it would fade away, and whilel it was gotten lighter, but it still weighs heavily on my soul. I know the rest must go it I am ever able to rid myself of th erest of my "misery weight" I gained while married. Maybe my body and mind have to heal together...but I'm still left with the two important questions:
- Are strong emotions a weakness or a necessity?
- How can I move my scar without overwhelming myself?
I've been trying to let go myself. I'm such a blend of my mom and dad that during any tragic moment, I feel I HAVE to stay strong for others. That's definitely a battle I understand.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that's really helped me is joining a support group. It's different from having friends to talk to because they don't have preconceived ideas about you. So you can talk/complain/cry about whatever you need to without someone thinking "But her situation is so great!" It's freeing to just be able to release to a third party.
A couple of things from the Bible have come up in group several times that have helped, too. The first is that old adage "The Patience of Job." Job really wasn't that patient. At one point he demands that God comes down and explain the hand he's been dealt. God didn't strike down Job, He let him question, rant and rave. Second is Jesus in the Garden. He begged for the cup to be passed. Jesus knew how it was going to turn out, but he still wanted a way around the suffering.
Wow, this response has gotten WAY too long! :) I guess what I'm trying to say is that life can suck even when outsiders would call it great. You've been through a lot and even though things are better now, you still need the freedom to get your feelings out. It can be scary, and it is overwhelming, but you'll be frozen if you don't let it happen.