BTW...

The date is off...

It turns out that my recond is still holding for being attracted to the worse possible excuses for manhood. The crush was found to be a lier and a dog, and those are the good adjectives. Ya know, no one is cute enough for those traits to be overlooked. Good thing I figured it out now before it became something that might actually hurt my feelings. Personally, I think it's sad.I can't figure out why people lie. I mean, what do they get out of that because eventually all truths come to light. 

Oh, well. 

Recently, I quickly reviewed the main characteristics of  the guys I have dated (and married) and I have a confession....Hello. My name is Jamie and I'm a shit magnet. I know part of the 12 step program is to "let go and let God," so for that reason I offer this prayer:

Dear God, 

I know (a majority of) McCarty women don't always choose men well and it takes a while for us to find a calm and devoted man who can handle us. Please send me a Jerry, David, or Jesse; so I can find the same happiness my fellow shit-magnet McCarty women have found. Amen.

Love, Jamie 

Single Mom Identification

As I told all of you earlier, I'm totally in love wiht the Ms. Single Mamma blog. I read a post about her best friend joining the "Single Mom Club" and working through the initial feelings of pain and resentment. (Yeah, so it might not be very happy reading, but it's helpful to me just to know I'm not the only one who feels that way.)

Anyway, Mia (the new member) refered to the "hated title" of single mom and I totally identify with that thought. Taking my kids places and not wearing a wedding ring I'm greated with all sort of pretty looks from people who, I can tell, are trying to figure out if I'm divorced or was never married. Not like it's any of their business, but I can feel thier judgment and my embarrassment rise with the passing of each moment. Everytime my kids throw a fit, my brain flashes red and thinks, "Yep, I'm a testment of how well singlehood works." Fair? Nope. Truthful? Yep.

I read a comment an anonomous reader made on the blog and it made me begin considering embracing my title instead of holding it out in front of me like a dirty diaper.

"I have to respond to something Nicole said. She used the phrase the “hated title” of single mother. I would like every single mother that thinks of herself with such a brand to take a moment to think about the labels we place on ourselves. Sure, society has some labels too…there are those that say the welfare system is full of single mothers and even some of our former “friends” that treat us like we have a plague that is contagious (speaking of welfare: did you know that J.K. Rowling- the author of Harry Potter- was a single mother on welfare prior to making her fortune?) When I was a newlywed, pregnant, and newly abandoned by my husband, I worried so much about what friends, family, facebook acquaintances, colleagues, former colleagues and society would say. I was embarassed to tell people. Even my obsetrician didn’t know when my husband left me during my pregnancy. I am an intelligent, hard-working, generous and attractive woman. I went to an Ivy League college. I am into philanthropy. Things like this don’t happen to good people, right? The birth of my daughter and my new life as a single mom has brought me more joy than I can imagine. Sure I am exhausted. Sure I don’t always feel beautiful. No, I haven’t bought one single piece of clothing for myself since before my baby was born 8 months ago. Yes, I cut corners wherever I can. Sure, I get angry at what my ex did. Yes I’ve cried and cried and cried. (Though not since I was forced to make the decision to end things when he creeped back in.) I am sad and lonely sometimes too. But you know what? Most of all I am so proud of myself. I am a single mom and I am doing a great job on my own, with no relief pitcher (other than my daycare providers who afford me an extra hour a day outside of my workday to myself). In fact, I am doing what so many new parents struggle with as married couples, and I’m doing it on my own. I am PROUD to be a single mother. (And yes, I did need some help from the government when I relocated to the US after 3 years abroad and didn’t have health insurance to cover the costs of childbirth in a hospital.) No, this was not how I planned it. No, this was not how I always imagined it. No, this was not what I wanted. However, I don’t let myself feel embarrassment and I don’t get apologetic. I am not too nervous yet about meeting a significant other in my future because I feel I will find a wonderful man who absolutely adores me and respects me for the great job that I’ve done under difficult circumstances. Of course, what has helped me most has been knowing single moms like myself who have been there and done that and who give me lots of hope for a bright future. Those are the people I call when I have a tough day, not the people who tell me how “impossible” it would be for me to date and remind me what I can’t do. By the way, the first thing I told my new boss (I started a new job when my daughter was 4 months old) after I let her know that I would be taking time out of the work day to pump was that I was a single mother. Please, single mommies, take pride in everything you accomplish. So many of us are doing it with much difficulty financially and emotionally but there is nothing that should be “hated” about us."


Maybe we are hated because we are doing what others are too scared to do?

Elsewhere for inspiration

I have a new love in my life-other than my kids. It's a blog called Ms. Single Mama. Everytime I read a post I have a new emotion that unexpectantly pops up. Raw feelings of anger, sadness, relief, and hope overwhelm my heart causing the shiny new scar to stretch and twist. It's reading this that I realized I've allowed my wounds to heal without moving and it's healed too tight-too stiff. I thought the hard part was behind me, but I guess it's right in front of me.

 

I've known for a while that I was avoiding certain things because big emotions are so messy.  They cause scenes and the tantrums that have been banging on the wall of my heart for almost a year now (or longer) have been stiffled because of it. Truth is, I really don't know how to just unleash all my demons-how to let go of my control. I'm not sure how it woud effect me or those around me because I've always been a "hold it all together" stiff-upper-lip kinda girl. There just doesn't seem to be a good time or place to unlock all of it.

 

I'm embarrassed of what's inside....the fear, the hate, the sadness, the longing. I mean, why shoud I still have all of it when I am so blessed with health, wonderfully healthy kids, great and supportive friends and family, and parents that help me out more than the "normal" parents would. (Trust me, I have other single Mom friends and we all tell stories. I'm very lucky.) Each time I almost give in, I am reminded of the scene from Romeo and Juliet where the Friar  fusses at Romeo for not appriciating and for not counting his blessings:

 

A pack of blessings lights up upon thy back;

Happiness courts thee in her best array;

 

But, like a misbehaved and sullen wench,

 

Thou pout'st upon thy fortune and thy love:

 

Take heed, take heed, for such die miserable.
(III/iii/149-151)


I feel so thankless to still feel all of this darkness. I don't want it. I want it gone, but I am clueless as to how to get it out. I thought it would fade away, and whilel it was gotten lighter, but it still weighs heavily on my soul. I know the rest must go it I am ever able to rid myself of th erest of my "misery weight" I gained while married. Maybe my body and mind have to heal together...but I'm still left with the two important questions:

1. Are strong emotions a weakness or a necessity?
2. How can I move my scar without overwhelming myself?

 

 

Wow...Really?!

First things first...

I know you guys love me and all, but why did y'all not pull me aside to tell me I sounded like a raving crazy in my last post?! (I promise I will never again drink wine and blog again.) I know you all are just glad I'm not one of those bitter, pissed of "I hate all men becasue one guy was a P.O.S" divorced chicks, but yo can really tell me when I'm gettin gout of hand. I promise I wond't get mad. Admittedly, I never reread them after they are posted, just check of any comments until I feel like there's something else I need to say. But when the meds kicked in, something caught my eye on this one and I actually read it..."What?!" (I promise I will never again drink wine and blog again.)

That post had to have given you guys the wrong idea about what was going on. Now, I do like chatting with this guy, but, come on, who doesn't like attention. lol Plus, he's funny.  However, I don't think this will be the end-all-be-all of the world.  It's just that I made a promise to a friend that I entend to keep. (I promise I will never again drink wine and blog again.)

My friend Lori gave me wonderful advice, that admittedly I did n't follow at first, but now I see the brilliance of it so I'm totally going to do it now. She told me last July (when the fog cleared from my head) that the best thing I could do for myself is be alone and relationship free for at least a year so I could make sure I had a solid foundation of me. Now, I accidently dated a guy in the fall (it really wasn't supposed to be serious, just hanging out fun. Ooops.). I know, you are wondering how one accidently dates a guy, well when you don't have the courage to speak up you get pulled along into anything. Anyway, I did work my way out of it and decided that I really should listen to Lori. I really wasn't ready. (I promise I will never again drink wine and blog again.)

Now that my heart has healed enough to sport a shiny new scar, I'm ready to relearn to flirt. I'm ready to be comfortable talking to guys. I'm ready to see what's available and casually date. After all she didn't tell me to become a hermit and cloister myself away for that year; she just said to make sure I'm a solid ME before ending being an US. That being said, I gotta say I did get a bit overly enthusiastic about doing something very grown up, like go on a date, but I guess that is part of my natural charm. You guys know I get worked up over stuff. I'm either worried about it or crazed. I'm working on keeping myself a bit more calm...or at least waiting for the medication to kick in before I open my big mouth. (I promise I will never again drink wine and blog again. I promise I will never again drink wine and blog again. I promise I will never again drink wine and blog again. I promise I will never again drink wine and blog again.)


Moving right along...

This weekend is another big step for me; I'm leaving my babies for threeish whole days. I'm leaving for Gulf Shores on Friday and coming home on Monday. I think I can constructivly focus my guilt for leaving into having a really great time. About half of us going are Mom's so we will be able to support one another while we are gone. I plan on relaxing, laughing, and focusing on being me the entire time I'm there.

Because of my new motto to not drink wine and blog I will not be posting for several days because, yes, I do intend to do a bit of drinking while I am gone. I apologize in advance if I drunk text any of you guys, because while my computer can be taken from me my phone cannot. ;-)

Oh My Goodness!

I was officially asked out by the guy I've been crushing on. Holy Shit!!! I have a date. An official date.

Details to follow, but right now I have to figure out what the hell to wear....aaaaakkkkkkk!

Today was a good day...

What makes a good day for me? It really depends on the day, but it's usually something simple because, while I admit to being high mantainance, I am easily entertained.

Today, I am currently having a good day. Why? Humm, let us count the ways...

1. I looked in the mirror and noticed that I have cheek bones again! (I can't wait until I my jaw line back too.) 
2. While I'm not sore from my workout, I can FEEL it working. And I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
3. My son feels better and has not thrown up this morning. Yippy!
4. I got a text this morning from my crush, just to chat, and recieved a "Good night" last night before bed. (I'm thinking that's a positive sign, right?!)
5. The burn on my hand is itching like crazy, which means it is healing.
6. My babies are super cute and healthy as horses!
7. I'm lucky to have really supportive family members.

Mom Vs. Woman

While I was married I didn't think too much about how the title Mom effected that of Woman because I was just Mom. Well, truth be told, I was barely that because it was made very clear what a terrible mom I was, but I wasn't actually seen as a woman anymore either. I never had to figure out whether those two sides of myself should be seperated or combined. Who will win out in the end-Jamie or Mommy?

That is behind me and now I'm thinking about it because I find myself conflicted. As a woman, I do not want to be alone forever. I want to meet someone, fall in love, and try to live happily ever after-take two. I mean, at the end of the day, I am still young and a girl's got needs. No matter how many hugs and cuddles I get from my children, I miss having a man's arms hold me. No mater how many ksses and "I love you's" I get from them, I can't help but want them from elsewhere too. However, I'm afraid it's a selfish want/need/desire.

However, as a mom, I do not want to short change my children while trying to be Jamie. The whole dating thing would take time away from my babies. Is it worth that? And even if it is, will finding someone really be all it's cracked up to be? I mean, not all men are going to be like my Dad and just right in to raise children as they were his own. In fact, my biggest fear is I will love someone who isn't the best for my kids. I don't want them to have a "step father," I want them to have a Dad, especially since the chances of them never seeing their real "doner" is very unlikely. They deserve that.  What is a perfect father for them is someone that doesn't necessarily "light my candle"? Do I strive for their happiness or my own. Or should I just ignore my own desires and purely focus my energy on them and their lives?

In 2010, I do not need a man to raise a family and have a full life. My children will be as well off or better without any other man in their live other than my Dad and their Uncle Bran. If I had to make the decision of their happiness or mine I would chose theirs without question, but is that what I have to do now? Can I be both Jamie and Mommy at the same time? If so, how?


*sigh* I got nothing...well, I do have a headache now.

Blessings, Bloopers, and Why ya can't have beer at 6 AM

Although I went to bed at 8:30 PM, sleep visited me in only brief snatches of time. It seemed that my dreams were taunting me by showing worlds and ideas that were not true and could never be true. (Sorry, I'm not in college and since she's retired, I don't see myself having Mrs. Frye again.) While awake my mind began forming things around me into categories and flinging ideas at me so quickly that I wished I had a pen and paper.

So, I finally got up, thinking it was still the middle of the night, figuring I'd grab a beer and sit and write out my lists and work on my story. Nope. It was 6 AM. The idea of getting a beer still sounded good, but just seemed a bit scuzzy, so I made coffee instead. Here are my lists thus far...


Blessings

• While plauged with allergies (still), I am healthy. Allergies will not kill me, only make my face hurt.
• My children are healthy.
• I have a family that loves and supports me.
• I have great friends that love and support me.
• I have reconnected with people who have become more important to me now than they were in the past and I didn't think that possible.
• I can vent my frustrations through this and no tells me to shut my whiney ass up.
• No one has told me to shut my whiney ass up.
• I have my position at University of Phoenix, which is an income, and could become full time if I keep plugging along.
• I received a raise at U of Phoenix and was already offered 2 more classes after my current 2 end.
• I have pleasant children that make me laugh, even when they aren't on their best behavior.
• I have people in my life that remind me to get off my whiney ass and take chances. (Thanks, Cuz)
• I am loved and accepted as I am.
• I understand that while I am love and accepted as I am, it's perfectly ok for me to grow, change, and evolve as necessary.
• My pity parties, while HUGE, do not last long.
• Although I can still feel the gash in my soul from last year each time I hit a set-back, it is smaller and a bit less painful.
• I do not have to constatly be on my toes, wondering what I will do wrong next. I am actually not reminded of my screw up anymore by anyone but myself. Perhaps I should give myself a break?!
• I do not have to share my children with anyone who woudl be mean to them (or me).
• I do not have to endure the constant ex-husband drama that so many of my divorced friends do.
• In two weeks I get to have three days of uninterrupted "I can do whatever I want" time away from all worries and cares with my Sisters.
• I have parents who like me and the kids living with them and do not find us a burden. 
• I have the freedom, ability, and education to achieve whatever it is I decide I want.  
• Lack of spelling ability isn't painful.

 Bloopers

• My daughter has managed to strip off her pants and diaper twice during  our trip, which is impressive since she ususally manages that in 15 mins at home, but running through a house of boys and watching the boys reactions of horror is pretty darn funny. (Especially since she thinks it's hilarious!)
• My son fell off the bed twice while asleep and never woke up. I just pulled him back on the bed with me and he only sighed and rolled over. It was all I could do not to crack up when I suddenly hear THUD and no longer feel him beside me.
• His feet also slipped off the bed once. He would have stayed alseep, feet on floor, head on pillow for the rest of the night had I not, once again, pulled him back onto the bed.
• I am constantly impressed and amused by the various ways in which my nephews can plant themselves and sleep. For example, Dylan is stretched, face down, in the chair across from me-head propped up on one arm rest and feet propped over the other. It looks very uncomfortable to me, but he is sleeping well.
• I realized tonight that my Cait sounds like Maggie Simpson, excpt Cait uses her thumb instead of a pacifier.

Ya can't always get whatcha want, but you find you get whatcha need. (Thanks, Mick!)

updates on brick walls.

So, this is my offical update for the Jamie Job Hunt...


I didn't get it.


*SIGH* There I was trucking along, happily singing a tune and giggling to myself. Was I planning a future up there in the country? Yep. Dude, I didn't even see that wall coming at me so I couldn't stop in time. I ran SMACK into that sucker. What a blow to the ego. That is offically job number and school number 4 (4. 4. four. FOUR! 4!!!!!) that has given me ye old rejection notice.

At this point I must digress a touch to make sure you understand the I. DO. NOT. take. rejection. well! I know. I know. You are thinking that no one takes it well. But I really am starting to take this shit personally. Yes, I am more expensive than other teachers. Yes, I have been out of the classroom for a year. Yes, I probably SMELL of desperation. But damn somebody needs to help a a single Mom out and freaking hire me!!! Seriously! I'm a really good teacher.

After an hour or so of sweat and tears, my body  and my mind began to feel better, but I can't really sat the same for my heart or my soul. All I can think it that had I not trusted Joe, had I listened to my instincts, I would not be in this situation. Then, I would still be working at Gulfport. Then, I'd still have a steady pay check and insurance. Then, I wouldn't feel like a total loser living having to live with her parents because she can't take care of her kids on her own. (Sorry, Pop, that's just how I feel and no amount of "pep talks" can cure that, unfortunatly.)

There IS a small part of me that wonders if this is God's way of telling me She really likes me book idea and what's me to finish it. But the larger part of my brain says, "Yeah, whatever. You've been rejected FOUR times from the only thing that you have ever done or been trained to do. What in the Hell makes you think that you can actually finish, let alone sell a book. Seriously?!! Wow, what a Crackhead." Now a majority of this negative self talk comes from the following facts:

1. I have never really had a job that wasn't as a teacher.
2. I went to school to BE a teacher.
3. I've always WANTED to be a teacher. (The Burn-Out I was feeling before has disapeared and has been replaced with pure necessity...I need a job!)
4. I've never made any money writing, which is the only other thing I've ever really wanted to do. (This may be because I'm too chicken-shit to actually submit anything for fear of rejection though-however, not the point.)

Now, I really DO know that it will be ok, but it just sucks huge, ginoumous phallus that I am STILL jobless. Once again forgetting that I recently got a raise from the University of Phoenix and have already been offered (and have accepted) two more classes from them, which start right after my current classes end. I know that one day I WILL be independant and move out of my parent's house. I know that one day I WILL have a job that I really love. I know that one day everything in the world will staighten out and be what I what it to be. I really do know....I just don't know when and that, my dears, is the rub.

Continued Crush

So, in case you guys weren't paying attention or thought I was kidding, I really do have a crush on a boy. Seriously. Now I'm taknig a chance he may read this, but since I'll never actually tell him in person I guess it's ok, but I doubt he's reading this.  It's also why I include no names...to protect the innocent. Or maybe just me...

So, I realized soon after the whole divorce thing that I've NEVER been good at this whole dating thing and I'm pretty sure I'm even worse at it now having not worried about it or even thought about it in almost ten years.  I do not even know how to tell if a guy is interested in me or not. I guess my crush is kinda my training wheels to getting my Groove back-if I ever had a groove to begin with.

One of my friends told me to read He's Just Not That Into You, but I have no access to a library here in Hotlanta and it's $12 to download onto my Kindle. I don't think it's THAT important.

However, I have discovered that I really do love to flirt. Is that good? Humm, not sure, but I do. The boy and I chat at least once a day and I get a bit bolder each time. it's so much fun to have attention paid to me. tee-hee

He is giving me an idea of what would be nice to have in a guy...
* A good job. (While I'd love to not teach and just sit and write I realize that's not possible. But it's a nice dream.)
* A good father or soemone who would make a good father.  (I really want someone who will treat MY kids the way my Dad always treated Kim. I'm nto a fan of the whle Step thing, either they are your kids or not. That's jsut how I feel about it.)
* Likes to have fun in a variety of ways-some of which even include very simple things. (I still want to be taken on a date to a place that does not serve beer. Seriously! When I was married we didn't go ANYWHERE that didn't serve beer. Ask me how long it's been sicne I've been to the movies? LONG TIME! Why? They don't serve beer. Sad? Umm yeah, but that's what happens when you are married to an alcoholic. Definitly don't want one of THOSE again.)
* Someone who is not competitive with me and let's me have MY time without jealousy.
* Doesn't NEED me to love everything he loves or likes, but doesn't poop on what I like or love.
* Doesn't take everything in life SO seriously that he can't relax
* I never have to worry about something I say or do causing a huge uproar and ending in either a 45 minute lecture on why I'm wrong and what 's wrong with me or the silent treatment.
* Pays attention to me.
* Flirts with me.
* Is proud to have me on him arm even if I'm having a bad hair day or gain a bit of weight.
* Is supportive of whatever I have to do to lose weight (Of course it will be dafe, but let's not bitch about cutting back on unhealthy stuff and adding healthier stuff.)
* Doesn't play silly games like a high school kid-Say whatcha mean and mean whatcha say. Period.
* I'd like to be spoiled instead of constantly spoiling him. (Basically treats me like a princess, or a Queen.)

I'm not saying this crush of mine is all of those things or will ever be, but he gives me hope that I really will find the guy who is. Because I've decided I deserve to be loved well and correctly.

The Great jamie Job Hunt

I can't believe I didn't blog about this earlier, but as you all know, I'm on the hunt for a full time classroom gig. Now, I know that I said when I came out of the classroom last year that I'd never go back into a high school classroom again, but little did I know that I was wrong. I actually had an interview this past Wednesday at East Central High School. For those that do not know where that is...you drive north from Pascagoula until you are almost in the middle of nowhere and turn east at the random red light. (If the red light wasn't there I'd never know where to go.)  It is "up the country" but actually a really great school district.

So, let me tell you guys about my interview and let me know how y'all think it went...First of all, I got there an hour early and drove around the massive metropolis of Hurley for all of 5 minutes (yep, that's all it took) before stopping at the new CVS to use the restroom and grab a water. So, I know that sounds crazy, but I have to go alot when I'm nervous so I might as well stay hydrated reguardless. Anyway. I arrive twenty minutes, or maybe 25, before my interview, but there was just nothing else to do and I was afraid the CVS people would start thinking I was shop lifting if I stayed there any longer.

It was So a typical small, rural school. I got a brief biography of each person who walked into the office. Gosh, I really do miss gossipy school secretaries. The ones at Bay High and Gulfport were way too closed-mouthed for me.  Anyway. I chatted with the office worker and the secretary and waited for the interview before me to finally leave. She took forever. I mean I got there at 1:05 or 1:10 ish and she was in there and didn't leave until 1:3 or 1:40ish. Mabye the principal was telling her that while one teaches in kahkis, one does not necessarily interview in them. Maybe I'm just judgemental (Lord, knows I've been accused of that before, but only by my ex-husband) but you are supposed to always go dressed to the 9s when interviewing for a job, right?! Anyway. Kahki chick leaves, the principal runs a few errands, and then it's time for me.

First, I introduced myself as Jamie McCarty. That's great, but I'm not legally Jamie McCarty; I'm still a Council until my babies can be switched over to McCarty. I corrected myself, but wondered if the principal thought I might have multiple personality disorder. maybe not the best way to start it off, but can't change it once I've done it.

I sat down and for one of the first times in my life I wasn't nervous during an interview. I was nervous before I walked into his office, but that all stopped after I shook his hand. I simply sat down, crossed my legs, and was "just jamie." I didn't worry about posture or my speech or anything else. I was actually comfortable. Of course, I'm sure the fact that my parents had reminded me that whether I get the job or not was NOT the end of the world. I'd survive and thrive either way.

He asked me all of 5 questions and gave me the rational behind asking all of the questions (which was a new thing for me; usually they just ask questions, not explain why they want to know the answer) except for the last one. His last question was, "What is your 5 year plan?" Now I did have Big Daddy flashbacks and also wondered if he had read my FB page, but instead of giggling I absolutly spoke from the heart, "I want to find and home school and community. I want roots. I'm sure you've seen the number of schools on my resume and I have to tell you I only want to be a first year teach one more time. My ex-husband had a kind of wander-lust that was never satisfied. He just knew things would be better somewhere else and I went along for the ride because he was my husband and I was being supportive. Now, tha the is my ex-husband I do not hav to do that anymore. I want a home. I would like this to be my home because my children are getting to school age and I'd like nothing better than for them to go through school in this district." After I said that he looked at me, smiled, and said, "Do you have any questions for me?

He told me I'd either have a phone call or a letter from him on April 12th. man, I hope it's a phone call offering me a job....

What do you guys think.

Happy Easter!

Today is Easter and I finally has a moment to drop you guys a line. I have been at my sister's house since Thursday night to help out with her boys during their Spring Break.

Imagine , if you will, six kids (14 to 23 months), two medium sized dogs, four adults, and a partrage in a pear tree! Holy cow! As much as I love my sister and my nephews, I totally deserve my Girl's weekend in April after this.

It's not that any of them are bad; I'm just not used to SO much activity. There is a constant stream of feet moving up the stairs, down the stairs, in the door, out the door, and there's no stop. And unlike my babies, the boys and the dogs don't take a nap...so, MY babies don't want to nap because they don't nap. Whew!!!

Plus, Mom and I are trying to help clean up and I'm taking on the job of teaching my nephews how to do chores and actually clean up after themselves. It's going to be hard, but I'm willing to give it a try.

Please pray for me...