Random thoughts and musings of a single Mom striving to follow dreams and find pure BLISS.

No Apologies!

Even though at least once a day I hear "Gibbs's Rule Number 1," I find myself constantly apologizing for, well, everything. I decided that there were a number of things for which I was just absolutely not going to fucking apologize any longer. And not because Gibbs told me each day it was weak, but because I shouldn't have to apologize and I'm just not gonna any more.

So, just to preface this list of things the world will just have to get over, I will tell you all the story of why I feel the need to stop apologizing....I have a job interview July8th at 2 PM. While normally I would pull out a cute, teachery top and flowy (AKA fat girl) slacks, I find myself facing 2 big problems:
1. My flowy, fat-girl pants are too big. (Totally NOT complaining here guys, just staying facts.)
2. I'm do not think my normal, cutesy, English teachery tops will cut it because I'm not interviewing at a school, but a business college. Granted, I will be teaching English, but this a trade school of sorts and it would be appropriate to be a bit more businessy in my attire until I figure out the lay of the land, as it were. Or at least get the job.

Anyway, I stopped into my favorite store, Cato's, for a quick look around. They have the exact same things for regular AND plus sizes, which is nice and unusual. And I'm able to shop for outfits because my top have is a regular size and my bottom half is a plus. (I just love being 2 sizes smaller on top, really. I do. sigh)Regardless...because it is summer there weren't any suits or things of that nature (not that I can actually wear a suit being two different sizes, but you understand.) so I'm combing for jackets and slacks in separates. I find a kick-ass jacket that I SOOOO want, however, I do not think it is interview material-at all. It's a short, bracelet-length number that is black and white zebra print with a bright pink belt. OMG! I am SO in love. However, once again...maybe not so much for an interview. Would I teach in it? Damn right, I would! Would I get hired in it? Umm, probably not! Moving on...Sweeping the whole store, I found one jacket I thought would be cute for an interview. Cropped, short sleeve, fitted waist, 2 button-Stacy and Clinton would be SOOO proud!! I put in on and, y'all, it looked like it was made for me. It fit perfect. It was a smaller size than normal. And, wait for it, it was totally on uber-clearance. Done!! It's MINE!

So, I bought the jacket and finished up my running around with a trip to the gym. Yeah me for being dedicated! It wasn't until I looked at it while on my way home that the lump of dread settled into my tummy. What did I just do? Why did I buy this? I can't wear this! I have to take this back. I SO cannot wear this in an interview. It's, it's, it's too Jamie.
(To let you guys know, it is black with white polka dots. The dots make a large, abstracty, swirl pattern and are graduated in size. I'll post a pic soon-promise.)

Anyway, when I showed my parents my purchase they both liked it and (to their credit) looked at me all-crazy when I asked it is was soo much, just too Jamie, for a businessy interview. Now it didn't help when my mom wanted me to wear a black top under it and black pants...ummm, not interviewing to be a mortician. Promise. But The Voice (See posts on Women, Food and God) kept pick-pick-picking at me until I really almost took the bleeding thing back. Instead I tried it on, felt the way it fit my body, saw the way the shape of it enhanced my waist and camouflaged my "mommy belly", and told The Voice to immediately and under no uncertain terms "Fuck Off"!!! The jacket looks good. When that Voice isn't nagging at the back of my head telling me it's too much-or perhaps I'm too much and should tone ME down-it makes me feel confident. If my jacket, which is the only suit jacket I have EVER put on that actually fits me, contains too much personality for me to work there; then, you know what? I have too much personality to work there.

I will not apologize again for being who I am OR:
  • for liking bright colors around me and, yes, in my clothing.
  • for liking patterns for all kinds
  • for wanting things that are pretty
  • for liking things hat are different. (Different is not's just not status quo.)
  • for not wanting to blend into the background anymore like the wallflower I've always been
  • for not being what other perceive me to be
  • for not being what a traditional mommy should be (I keep being told that I'm not so whatever.)
  • for wanting things that are just out of my reach just so I have a goal to focus on
  • for needing a bit of peaceful time alone with myself and my thoughts during the day. (Yep, there's the nontraditional mom thing rearing it's ugly head. I can't save it all up for bedtime; I actually need snip-its of time at random intervals during the day just to decompress and let end up yelling for no reason. Sue me!)
  • for finding it easier to laugh and talk with my kids than "order" them around the house.
  • for thinking that teaching them to do something on their own is WAY more important than my need to it do be done MY way. (They will eventually learn to do it better, but it'll take time. )
  • for knowing that when I do punish my kids for something that its for their own good, and no, it does not hurt me as much as it hurts them. (It doesn't make me happy, but it doesn't make me sad either. It just makes me hope I don't have to teach that particular lesson too many more times before it clicks and sticks.)
  • for not feeling like I'm in my 30s ever and being constantly amazed that I really am 32. (Most of the time I really do forget. )
  • for not having the exact body I want and loving it anyway.( Listen, I had 2 kids in 3 years, plus a shitty marriage all of which ended up with weight gain. I have stretch marks, stretched out skin on my tummy, more weight than I want (but less today than I had yesterday), and a plethora of other little things that make my imperfect...But it carried babies and rocked babies; it is strong (I can carry a 4 year old and a 2 year old at the same time..Take THAT Jillian Michaels! You try it!); it does everything I need it to do; and each day I move it it works even better for me.  I can think of one good reason to NOT love it.)
  • for wanting to improve my body and spending/saving money to do it. (I am a member of a gym-that takes money. I try to eat healthy and unprocessed-that takes money. I intend, once the money is saved, to have a tummy tuck and breast lift-that takes money. Would all of that money be better spent on my children's education or on any number of things for my children. Yeah, I'm sure I could do that...but I am taking no food out of their mouths, no clothes off their backs, no shelter from their heads, and no toys from their wish list to obtain these things that I want. Why do I want them if I loooove my body so much? Because why would I not want to give my body nice things and make it look nice as it cares for me? I don't think it's selfish, at least no more than buying myself anything else. Besides, I've never once said I was freaking Mother Theresa. )
  • for knowing I'm flawed and imperfect, but still deserving of love and kindness.
  • for changing my mind about things when they no longer suit me. (Do we really still need to LOVE the same things now that we did as kids? Really? can't we move on a grow?)
  • for sometimes holding a grudge when I get my feelings hurt. ( I do not advertise it. I do not talk about it. However, I absolutely do not think it's a terrible thing that I may not like someone that injured me in some way. Here again...Not Buddha. Not Mother Theresa.)
I'm sure I'll think of other things to not apologize about, but one thing is damn sure...I won't apologize for that either.

I'm just going to enjoy the experience of being unequivically, unapologetically, and authentically Jamie. or at least I'm going to enjoy working on it because I'm sure it will take some getting used to. I'll keep you guys updated on my progress....HEY, why don't you all think about what you apologize for in life that you should stop? We can compare notes.

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