Happy Birthday Baby!!!

My baby boy is now a big boy! It's just overwhelming to think that four years ago today I was lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to random and various things they hook you up to when they induce your labor...but mine had been induced almost a day and a half before. Let's just say I was VERY tired of being in labor (and pain since I wasn't given pain medication in case it "slowed" my labor, like it could have gotten slower).

So, the downside of two days of labor and an emergency C-section at 8:00 PM is that when you baby is born you are so exhausted that all you can do is sleep and everything you remember is kinda hazy. I remember the doctor and the nurses telling jokes and singing to me. I remember tears sliding down my face because he did not cry immediately and I was terrified something was wrong.  I also remember looking at that smashed little face, our eyes meeting and the unspoken message of "Lady, I just wanna sleep for a while if that's OK with you" popping into my brain. Works for me!  (That's why when the way too chipper nurse said, "Do you wanna try to nurse now?" the comment, "You've got to be fucking kidding me?" popped into my head and unfortunately came out of my mouth. ( I seriously didn't know I had said it aloud until much later-they'd already given me morphine so I don't think I was really responsible for my lack of filter.)


Anyway. I find myself still being in complete awe of him. I guess, him being my first-born, I always will be. He's aggravating, wildly hyper active, precocious, not always the best listener, stubborn, sneaky, hardheaded, occasionally whiny, sensitive, fierily protective, empathetic, sweet, funny, personable, helpful, loving, curious, and wickedly cute.

Since I really have no words...all I really know is if I play my cards just right, I will mold this precious son of mine into a person I would be friends with and a man I am proud of.



What a blessing and a cool responsibility to be his Mom?!!!

Begining at the Begining Again

Operation Self-Esteem--Day Fucking One.
(Elizabeth Gilbert)

Yep, I think I have finally hit the self-analysis wall. Actually, I slammed into it head first, rubbed up against it like a cat, and just- kept- beating- my- head- against- the- stupid- ass- fucking- wall! So, now hopefully all of that is out of my system for a minute and perhaps, it is time to back off and take stock of life as it stands.

I have a job. It may not start until October, but at least I know that I have one. And that interview really boosted my confidence so I'm willing to look into other options that start before October.

I'm not yet the size I want to be and I didn't meet the goal I set in January; HOWEVER, I am numerous inches smaller in most of the areas I wanted to shrink. I'm also pretty proud of the hourglass figure I've achieved and most of the time I feel very Marilyn.

I may not have completed the C25K, but I've decided to start again since I'm in better shape this time than last time I tried. The treadmill is cleaned off for use (since it's too bleeding hot to do it outside) and I even have an app for that on my phone.

My kids aren't the best behaved in the world, but they are cute, polite, listen relatively well, and will be going back to school soon. Did I mention they are cute? Plus they are gong to be way smarter than me so I totally may need to go back to school just so I can keep up.

I might still be living at home, but when Pop graduates from USM (finally) they are going on some trips so I get a bit of a break. Plus, I never have to pay a babysitter when I go to the gym.

I've decided to eliminate all toxic people from my life as much as possible, and if it isn't possible I can at least limit my exposure and how I allow them to effect me and my life.  First and foremost being my ex-husband because he is officially a guest of the state way up in North Mississippi for the next 15 years. I know it sounds strange, but until everything was final I just had this nagging feeling that he could show up at my door. Now, rationally, I know he had no way to do that, but his bail had been lowered and I just couldn't feel totally safe. Not really. Living with my pop has given me the most solace because he would never be dumb enough to face my Dad after what he did; however, I'm sure he's really pissed at me and bound to get even more pissed. (But that's for a later post)

DB told me last night that I need to talk less, do more. Actually that is a paraphrase, but that was the basic thought. She's right, of course, and not just because she is a physiologist and isnt' her job to be right, but because she's known me forever and knows I need to just get out and DO. Do what? Doesn't matter as long as I just get out and do something! I am gong to start a list of things I really want to do in the next year and hopefully I can get them all checked off by the time my year is up.

Most of all I'm going to give myself a break; I just think it is time. Each day, no matter how hard it gets, I'm going to pay myself on the shoulder and congratulate myself on what I have done up to this point. Yep, actually give myself credit for not crawling into the hole I really REALLY wanted to crawl into last year and floating through life letting everyone else take care of me. Good job, Me!

Weekly Wrap Up

There are so many things that happen in the course of a week. Good-Bad-Indifferent-Crazy-And each of them vying to overtake me and control the week as a whole. Most of the time I can keep a pretty solid balance, but I'm afraid I was not as successful this week. Looking over the past week there are some clear winners in the grand struggle for dominance in my life.

Coming into first place is: emotional eating. (Sometimes the physical discomfort associated is at least something to either distract from feelings OR something to feel out of the numbness. My job won't start until October, which certainly doesn't help my pocketbook. I did apply for a few other positions; although it was a bit hard to not think that there is no real point to apply because I probably won't get them anyway. *sigh* Just imagine me not on meds. )

A close second: Listlessness. (I have not written a single word in a week. That's right, a whole week. I'm so 'shamed, but I just have not been able to think or concentrate on anything long enough to accomplish much of anything. Hell, I haven't even to the gym but once because I just couldn't figure out how to get there with the kids not taking naps and Kalan with us. And Lawd, Lawd, did T and Kalan fight and argue.)

Ah, but we just can't forget guilt. (T is not registered for school. I'm not doing very well in the class I've been helping my Pop with. I really, really want to run away sometimes and depending on the day, most of the time I want to go alone. My kids are hyper and crazy and make mj nuts, so I don't feel I can go anywhere or do anything if it doesn't involve my children.)


At the very bottom of the list is a very slight spark of hope. Just because it got a bit buried this past week doesn't mean it won't reemerge this week. After all, tomorrow is another day.

Wedding Thoughts

This is my super-fab cousin Sunnie is getting married in two weeks.She is also the apple of my son's eye. Seriously, I think he'd go live with "MY cousin Sunnie" in a second.

There she at the right...notice the family resemblance...Fair skin. Faux red hair. Sarcastic smile. We are practically twins!

Anyway, she is marrying this guy here...Jesse Pounders.  I have only met Jesse once, but I'm always drawn in my a calm soul and he certainly has that.

You tend to notice things like that about people when you come from a terribly ADD family where everyone fidgets and constantly fills the silence.





I have been trying to give advice and suggestions and be supportive via text, email, and FB about the wedding. I even offered to drive up early and help set up everything. I'm sure she has more than enough help, but I'm a fan of both of them and, truthfully, they are living examples of my hopes.

You see, a majority of us McCarty women have "issues" with our men. (I think I might have blogged out this before.) However, Sunnie has not been immune to the guy-debacle. She has been super supportive during this whole "single mom" thing because she was one way before me.

But when her back was turned, this man caught her by surprise and changed everything. She is blissfully happy in her country wonderland, surrounded by plants and dirt-the way all good hippies should live. While on one had I am "pea-green with envy," I am also so happy because she totally deserves to find her bliss and her true happiness.

I know my time is coming because we all find it eventually, that person who calms and compliments our hectic brains. And when I do...I'm eloping!

Strange Realizations

So, my friend, D, and I were chatting last night, discussing our amazing lack of lives, when I was totally caught off guard with what should have been obvious. When she and I talk about these things we want we are actually talking about vastly different things.

I said I wanted a social life. (Now this is the part where I admit that I actually sabotage myself from having a social life. The longer I at home, without said life, the more likely I am to stay that way. I even start to make up excuses and plot how to NOT go anywhere. It almost feels like I make myself agoraphobic. Now multiply that with the guilt I feel whenever I go somewhere without the kids and my parents watch them for me. Hell, I only went to the gym once this past week because I just felt terrible and selfish every time I thought about going. If the kids weren't asleep, I just couldn't make myself go. I feel like I have to work up as much good will with my mom as possible because my kids stress her out. She's a believer that kids should be seen and not heard and my kids just can't manage that one-my fault, I didn't raise them that way.) Anyhow, back to my story...

D, however, wants an exciting life. Now the description she presented of the "perfect, fantasy life of excitement" sounded like I would find it fun for about five minutes-perhaps ten, but definitely no longer than an hour.

I think excitement might be overrated or at least what most people consider excitement. I'm just not an adrenaline junkie. I can handle roller coasters about once a year (at best). While I drive a little fast, it makes me hyperventilate to ride with someone driving fast. I prefer to eeeeaaassse into new situations, not jump in head first. in other words, I'm a total scardy cat. I admit it.

However, I think there is something to be said about calm souls and enjoy quiet evenings as much nights out. That sounds like a whole lot of fun to me. I mean, me ex was the life of the party. Fun, outgoing, and totally bored by nights at home with me and the kids. In think that was one of the issues that prompted him to find, umm, another playmate-as it were. An evening playing with the kids and snuggling on the couch after they are in bed sounds as thrilling to me as an evening out...actually it sounds way more fun than a wild night at a club.

Ahhh my wild and crazy dreams...

40 mg days

Truthfully, it's been a 40 mg week. (for the past few weeks). I am a relatively simple creature and always have been. I am happy until someone or something screws it up. Hell I can even handle it when someone screws up my happiness and still be happy...be there are always limits that a person can be pushed.

In case you guys haven't guessed, I am so far past my personal limit I am finding it difficult to breathe. Seriously.

I'm living a "damned if I do and damned if I don't" episode of a fucked up TV series right now. Maybe a Lifetime one. I do something nice-I did it wrong. I do something to help-I did that wrong too. I do something I'm asked to do-I do that shit wrong as well. However, if I do nothing at all-I'm just as wrong as I would be if I did anything. Hum, guess what my solution is? That's right, faithful few, I try to remember not to do shit. Hell, if I'm gong to be berated and reminded how wrong everything I do is, I'd rather it be for not doing anything...it just feels less personal that way. Ya know?!


This week we have K with us. love the kid, but if I have to watch one more episode of tween-TV (iCarly, Wizards of Waverly Place, etc.) I'm not sure if I will puke, throw up, or explode. However, i do know where he gets the eye roll and hand-on-head deep sigh shit from. Those shows. OMG, those kids are sassy and sacrcastic and rude. I'm not sure why it's "cute" but obviously someone thinks it is. I'm terrified T1&T2 will pick up on it and force me to smack the hell out of them for it. (It may seem cruel or  terrible, but do not for a second think I will hesitate to thrust my hand across the mouth of my children when needed or appropriate. For example, my son hollered in my face one time...ask me if he has ever done it again.)

SO, moving on...what did I do to soothe myself today? Well, duh! I did what every occasional, self-loathing, emotional eater does...I totally overate at dinner and then had a big bowl of ice cream with the kids. Why? Becuase physical discomfort does distract from emotional discomfort. It's true. Wanna know how I know this? because I'm an emotional eater.


Tomorrow is another day...maybe I'll only need 20.

The Wrap-up

So, its the end of this lovely weekend and although I should be in bed, I just can't freaking sleep. I have tried a dozen things to help me sleep, but I draw the line at warm milk. Sorry, if I don't like it cold, I sure at hell won't like it warm. Blech!

Anyway, this is my last ditch effort at sleep. I figure if I can write all of the random craziness in my brain I might, just might be able to get to sleep before my children wake up. OK now, let's start at the beginning...

Friday-massive cleaning tactics because of the Sadler invasion that evening. Picture it, six kids (whose ages range from14 to 2) and three adults in one small house. Fruit-basket-turn-over to be sure, but it was fun- claustrophobic, but fun.

I got to hear an almost play-by-play for a good friend of mine fall in love over the weekend. I'm so excited for her because she deserves to be happy so badly. She would send me random messages about things he would say or do. Totally swoon worthy! Although he has a brother, I'm actually wondering if I can get him cloned. lol  Actually, its the first time a friend of mine found happiness in boyland that I felt not even the smallest pang of envy because I didn't have one too. Maybe I've realized that it will come when it comes, or not. I certainly do not relish the idea of being alone, but I'm not afraid of it anymore. That's a big step for me. I'm letting go of my perceptions of pretty much everything. I'm going to create my own time and space from what works for me and not what is The Status Quo. I can now wrap myself up in the idea of being whole and solid on my own instead of needing another half.

I sometimes, wondering, because in writing it is so hard to detect particular inflections that show up verbally, if people mean comments the way I take them. In a chat it easier because you can ask, but on a random comment...all but impossible. However, I have decided that if it makes me happy to take a comment a particular way, I'm going to do just that because it hurts no one if I do.  So there. 

Today I watched my Brother-in-Law play beaseball with my kids (and his too). He ticked and hugged and even let Cait put bows in his hair and while I loved him for it, it didn't make me sad.  I think that's HUGE  for me. No, no, I know it's HUGE for me. I didn't think of what my kids were missing out on; instead, I simply enjoyed the moment of watching them play and of beign in the background.  (Seriously, by the 100,000th Mommy, you'd have to be deaf not to need a time out. I don't care what anyone says.) 

In the next few weeks, the final push to get whatshisname completely ripped from our lives will be in full effect. He will not have a single right to them AND they will have MY name and not HIS name. We will all have my name. While I am still in contact with his family, because his family didn't fuck everything up he did, I think it's better that the kids do not have that "name" hanging over them forever. Plus, it is be the sweat of MY brow that clothes, feeds, shelters, spoils, loves and discliplines them so they should have MY name. I don't even mind going back to the middle of the alphabet; at least the McCs come before the rest of the Ms.

Ah, so enthused by so little...Oh, I also have written absolutly nothing sice Friday. Nope, not a word, sentence, phrase, nada! Why? Umm, did you read above the vast number of people that were in this house this weekend? Yeah, that's why. I plan on making it up this week and continuing my push to finish. I think I will concentrate on filling in gaps that bother me since I've changed stuff half way in. I have copious notes of changes and additions that keep floating in front of my eyes while I'm writing so I guess I should go ahead and get that done so I can figure out the rest of the story. It's getting pretty good, but I still don't knwo who the bad guy is. There are several contenders who have motive and oppotunity, but I just do not know how it will turn out. I have no idea if that is good or bad either, but it certainly is the way it's going.

Ok, perhaps I can sleep now. I sure hope so since I can feel my eyelids sinking....G'Night!

Sabotage!

The more I write the more I feel I am getting accomplished,but the more life keeps trying to get in the way. It's almost seems too scary to think about finishing a novel. What happens then? 

I realize it's about now that I sabotage myself. I start thinking of other things, finding excuses, or wanting to write on another subject.

It's like every weight loss journey I've ever been on. Almost before something starts working I begin finding reasons and excuses to fail. And then I just throw up. Screw it, I'll always be this way. Everyone in the family is this way.

My major goals includes: Not sabotaging myself, Not thinking about what comes next, and Not overthinking myself or the process.

Taking Today's Temp

Today?

Oh, I'm bitter, digruntled, dispondant, annoyed, angry, frustrated and generally pissed off right now!

Why?

Because I had a line on a full time gig (and one that would not only allow me to move out, but make is necessary to move out since it was a few hours away) and when I called today all positions had been filled.

Damnittofuckinghell!

And while I'm at it...

Have I written my 1000 words today?

NOPE, but since I have to kill someone today I'm pretty damn sure I'm in the perfect mind set to do so.

50,000 in 50 days...Day 1

Faint-and-fucking-fall-out, I got my 1000 words finished! Actually, I wrote 1301 words. And I did that despite changing diapers, filling cups with milk, constantly reminding the kids to stop running and to use inside voices, peal Caitlin off of me when she tried to scale my upper body while I was typing, and that's just part of the fun this morning.

I'm pretty proud of myself and I'm trying to be positive that I can keep up the pace for all 50 days.

Monday

I just wanted to let you guys know that I will be taking a little time off of the blog. You see, my faithful few, the 50,000 words in 50 days starts tomorrow and I'm just not sure if I will have enough time or words left at the end of the day to throw together a blog. I'll try to give updates as I go on my progress or any cool and exciting happenings.

Today will be filled in an attempt to feel up to starting tomorrow...(sore throat and sore ears). 

Wish me luck!!!

Hope Springs Eternal

So, all of you, faithful few, know that I follow Ms. Single Mom's blog. It's enlightening, relaxing, entertaining, and inspiring. Today she posted about a conversation she had with another Single Mom Friend (SMF) about Elizabeth Gilbert's new book Committed. (For those who do not know Ms. Gilbert's story pick up a copy of Eat, Pray, Love and read it. I've read it pre and post divorce.)
Although both women are in lovely relationships the idea of marriage still makes them a bit shaky and doe-eyed.

She posed the question to all of her followers, wonering what WE all think of the marriage question. Would we want to? What are the expectations you would take into a second marriage?

I actually thought about it. And I decided that I would throw my two cents into the fray and below is what I came up with...

Although it's taken a year of avoiding anything to do with "the M word", but I think I would like to get married again one day. However, I have several thoughts on the subject.

First and foremost, I would never marry so my children could have a father. I would never marry because as a teacher I will always struggle to make ends meet. I would never marry because "seems like the right thing to do". I would never marry someone I absolutly could not live without; instead I would marry someone I would want to live without and would stand beside the 3 of us as one of us and not an addition.

The last time around I searched to find love, support, acceptance, excitement, and a multitude of other things I thought would complete me; however, instead of looking for it in someone else, I have found all of it myself. This time I want not someone to complete me, but someone to compliment me-a warm breeze that makes me smile, not one who fills my sails.

Not too shabby, huh? 

All of that being said, the question on the wind is, "Will that someone ever pop up?" Idon'tknow. I am not on the hunt. I am not searching. I am enjoying the new experience of freedom and being. Just being. No expectations save my own. No true need to search for love outside of my own mirror and the faces of my children and there it is not a search-it is a fact.

Ahhh, but being the helpless romantic that I truely am-Damn, Victorian literature-I think of a time when I will again have someone's should on which to rest my head or someone's arms around me as a sleep. There's a part of my soul that craves it; that begs me to find it, but I think I'll let The Universe take care of that. After all, I gotta take care of Thing1 and Thing2. Oh, and me too! 

Discovery of the Obvious

Today I had a job interview. This will be the sixth one I've had in the past year when it became obvious that needing a job was more than a necessity. Now, I've only gotten ONE of those jobs- my gig at Pearl River- but I had to leave it to move back to Goula because living on a part time teacher salary is harder than living on a full time teacher salary. Go figure, right?!

Anyway. I was super nervous because I would have to teach a 15 minute lesson in front of 5 teachers/administrators. now this may not sound like a big deal since I once taught 2 hour high school classes, but I've been out of the classroom for a while and had actually been thinking about leaving it permanently. To strike out in the world of jobs that pay more than peanuts so I can raise my babies without sweating about my sad, little, peanut paycheck.

However, I discovered today that I can't leave.

Like a moth inexplicable drawn to the flame they undoubtedly know will end them, so I am drawn to the classroom. As soon as I opened my mouth today, I fell into "teacher" mode and every bundle of nerves and butterfly vanished and I felt totally at home. I smiled, laughed, cajoled, talked, joked, and had a great time. In fact, I was almost sad when my 15 minutes were up. I had literally forgotten how much I really love teaching. (In truth the state test sucked a majority of my love out and I had to rebuild it. I didn't love it last summer.) But most importantly I had forgotten how damn good I am at it. In seconds all 5 adults were entertained and interested in what I was saying-not just because it was their job to evaluate me. It took less than 5 minutes after my presentation for them to discuss the fact that they loved me and thought I'd "be a perfect fit".

That's right, faithful few, they loved me! They want me. Now they have to see if they can give me full time or the half an hour drive to Mobile 3 days a week may not exactly worth it. Ahhh, the rub!

If nothing else it helped me remember that I really am a freaking, outdamnstanding teacher and I do want to be back into the classroom. Even if I don't go to work there, at least I know that teaching is still my passion and my calling. Score 1 for Team Jamie.

Tomorrow

I'm completely freaking out about tomorrow. What is tomorrow, you ask? Tomorrow is an interview at Remington College. An interview where I have to teach a 15 minute lesson. I'm not sure what makes me more nervous, the interview itself or teaching in front of random people that already know what I'm teaching. Yep, I have to teach a bunch or teacher and administrators about run on sentences. Really?

Maybe I should up my dosage of lexapro for tomorrow so I don't throw up.

Ok, faithful few, please pray that I do well and get this job!!! I NEEEEEED this job! Man, I sure hope they don't smell despiration on me....

Shit Stirrin'

Anyway, every family, group of friends, group of coworkers, or group you can think of has at least one "Shit Stirrer;" it's like a rule.   However, depending on the group (or family) there may be more than one.

These are the people that love to "accidentally" piss at least one person off and then suddenly disappear. They delight in causing strife and hurting feelings wherever they go.  If you look around your group and aren't sure who the "shit stirrer" is, guess what, it's you.

So, to all the shit stirrers in the world I leave you with this thought...

My Sweet Mama always said, "If you stir up shit, you will always end up with shit up on ya!"

(And I'll be damned if that isn't the Gospel truth-much like all of her random advice, but that's another post.)

No Apologies!

Even though at least once a day I hear "Gibbs's Rule Number 1," I find myself constantly apologizing for, well, everything. I decided that there were a number of things for which I was just absolutely not going to fucking apologize any longer. And not because Gibbs told me each day it was weak, but because I shouldn't have to apologize and I'm just not gonna any more.

So, just to preface this list of things the world will just have to get over, I will tell you all the story of why I feel the need to stop apologizing....I have a job interview July8th at 2 PM. While normally I would pull out a cute, teachery top and flowy (AKA fat girl) slacks, I find myself facing 2 big problems:
1. My flowy, fat-girl pants are too big. (Totally NOT complaining here guys, just staying facts.)
2. I'm do not think my normal, cutesy, English teachery tops will cut it because I'm not interviewing at a school, but a business college. Granted, I will be teaching English, but this a trade school of sorts and it would be appropriate to be a bit more businessy in my attire until I figure out the lay of the land, as it were. Or at least get the job.

Anyway, I stopped into my favorite store, Cato's, for a quick look around. They have the exact same things for regular AND plus sizes, which is nice and unusual. And I'm able to shop for outfits because my top have is a regular size and my bottom half is a plus. (I just love being 2 sizes smaller on top, really. I do. sigh)Regardless...because it is summer there weren't any suits or things of that nature (not that I can actually wear a suit being two different sizes, but you understand.) so I'm combing for jackets and slacks in separates. I find a kick-ass jacket that I SOOOO want, however, I do not think it is interview material-at all. It's a short, bracelet-length number that is black and white zebra print with a bright pink belt. OMG! I am SO in love. However, once again...maybe not so much for an interview. Would I teach in it? Damn right, I would! Would I get hired in it? Umm, probably not! Moving on...Sweeping the whole store, I found one jacket I thought would be cute for an interview. Cropped, short sleeve, fitted waist, 2 button-Stacy and Clinton would be SOOO proud!! I put in on and, y'all, it looked like it was made for me. It fit perfect. It was a smaller size than normal. And, wait for it, it was totally on uber-clearance. Done!! It's MINE!

So, I bought the jacket and finished up my running around with a trip to the gym. Yeah me for being dedicated! It wasn't until I looked at it while on my way home that the lump of dread settled into my tummy. What did I just do? Why did I buy this? I can't wear this! I have to take this back. I SO cannot wear this in an interview. It's, it's, it's too Jamie.
(To let you guys know, it is black with white polka dots. The dots make a large, abstracty, swirl pattern and are graduated in size. I'll post a pic soon-promise.)

Anyway, when I showed my parents my purchase they both liked it and (to their credit) looked at me all-crazy when I asked it is was soo much, just too Jamie, for a businessy interview. Now it didn't help when my mom wanted me to wear a black top under it and black pants...ummm, not interviewing to be a mortician. Promise. But The Voice (See posts on Women, Food and God) kept pick-pick-picking at me until I really almost took the bleeding thing back. Instead I tried it on, felt the way it fit my body, saw the way the shape of it enhanced my waist and camouflaged my "mommy belly", and told The Voice to immediately and under no uncertain terms "Fuck Off"!!! The jacket looks good. When that Voice isn't nagging at the back of my head telling me it's too much-or perhaps I'm too much and should tone ME down-it makes me feel confident. If my jacket, which is the only suit jacket I have EVER put on that actually fits me, contains too much personality for me to work there; then, you know what? I have too much personality to work there.

I will not apologize again for being who I am OR:

• for liking bright colors around me and, yes, in my clothing.
• for liking patterns for all kinds
• for wanting things that are pretty
• for liking things hat are different. (Different is not bad...it's just not status quo.)
• for not wanting to blend into the background anymore like the wallflower I've always been
• for not being what other perceive me to be
• for not being what a traditional mommy should be (I keep being told that I'm not so whatever.)
• for wanting things that are just out of my reach just so I have a goal to focus on
• for needing a bit of peaceful time alone with myself and my thoughts during the day. (Yep, there's the nontraditional mom thing rearing it's ugly head. I can't save it all up for bedtime; I actually need snip-its of time at random intervals during the day just to decompress and let end up yelling for no reason. Sue me!)
• for finding it easier to laugh and talk with my kids than "order" them around the house.
• for thinking that teaching them to do something on their own is WAY more important than my need to it do be done MY way. (They will eventually learn to do it better, but it'll take time. )
• for knowing that when I do punish my kids for something that its for their own good, and no, it does not hurt me as much as it hurts them. (It doesn't make me happy, but it doesn't make me sad either. It just makes me hope I don't have to teach that particular lesson too many more times before it clicks and sticks.)
• for not feeling like I'm in my 30s ever and being constantly amazed that I really am 32. (Most of the time I really do forget. )
• for not having the exact body I want and loving it anyway.( Listen, I had 2 kids in 3 years, plus a shitty marriage all of which ended up with weight gain. I have stretch marks, stretched out skin on my tummy, more weight than I want (but less today than I had yesterday), and a plethora of other little things that make my imperfect...But it carried babies and rocked babies; it is strong (I can carry a 4 year old and a 2 year old at the same time..Take THAT Jillian Michaels! You try it!); it does everything I need it to do; and each day I move it it works even better for me.  I can think of one good reason to NOT love it.)
• for wanting to improve my body and spending/saving money to do it. (I am a member of a gym-that takes money. I try to eat healthy and unprocessed-that takes money. I intend, once the money is saved, to have a tummy tuck and breast lift-that takes money. Would all of that money be better spent on my children's education or on any number of things for my children. Yeah, I'm sure I could do that...but I am taking no food out of their mouths, no clothes off their backs, no shelter from their heads, and no toys from their wish list to obtain these things that I want. Why do I want them if I loooove my body so much? Because why would I not want to give my body nice things and make it look nice as it cares for me? I don't think it's selfish, at least no more than buying myself anything else. Besides, I've never once said I was freaking Mother Theresa. )
• for knowing I'm flawed and imperfect, but still deserving of love and kindness.
• for changing my mind about things when they no longer suit me. (Do we really still need to LOVE the same things now that we did as kids? Really? can't we move on a grow?)
• for sometimes holding a grudge when I get my feelings hurt. ( I do not advertise it. I do not talk about it. However, I absolutely do not think it's a terrible thing that I may not like someone that injured me in some way. Here again...Not Buddha. Not Mother Theresa.)

I'm sure I'll think of other things to not apologize about, but one thing is damn sure...I won't apologize for that either.

I'm just going to enjoy the experience of being unequivically, unapologetically, and authentically Jamie. or at least I'm going to enjoy working on it because I'm sure it will take some getting used to. I'll keep you guys updated on my progress....HEY, why don't you all think about what you apologize for in life that you should stop? We can compare notes.