Random thoughts and musings of a single Mom striving to follow dreams and find pure BLISS.

Give me a Break

I just had a long chat with my buddy, Aggie, because I received the most interesting thing in the mail today.......

a letter from "you know who"

Yep, that's right. "he" (I wanted you guys to realize that isn't capitalized on purpose) sent me a letter letting me know where he was transferred and will spend his time as a "guest of the state of MS".

Of course, he just could not stop there. Oh no!!! he had to continue...

  • he goes to counseling and AA meetings now (That might be better had he done that BEFORE there was a problem-just throwing that out there)
  • he prays daily for the 3 of us and is in the search for God (Keep looking, buck-O!)
  • he realizes how much he has hurt me (Umm, I'm not really sure he really has a fucking clue!)
  • he misses the kids and realizes he has never ween Cait walk or heard her voice (Perhaps, as before, that should have been a thought BEFORE he decided to get stupid!! just saying)
As I red the letter I found myself getting more and more pissed off and then... WHAM...tears. WTFHell!!  I mean, it's been almost a freaking year and a half since the world slipped sideways and I thought I'd made great stride in my recovery.

Now, Aggie tells me that I have, in fact made amazing strides and that it is not strange that it triggered an emotional response. We were married for 8 years after all. But it still just flies all over me that I wasted another tears, another sniffle, another second of my life thinking about him and what he has done to the kids.

You see,  I accept my responsibility in what happened. I made the choice to marry him. I made the choice to not leave him when I first became unhappy and the marriage was slipping southward. I made the choice to have not one, but two children, especially when I actually knew in my gut by the time I was pregnant with Cait that he was having an affair. God, help me I knew and I couldn't prove it. I knew it and I never had anything by my personal instincts screaming in my head. For that I take responsibility, but I do not, can not, will not ever take responsibility for the behavior exhibited by that "man" (and I use that term loosely) and the things he did to my children.

Although I must say that all of the things he took away (traditional family until, home of their own, someone to call daddy), those two little monkeys are as happy as any other kids their age, and happier in some ways. They will never have to see me cry on a daily basis or feel so sad and listless that I can hardly get out of bed or fly into a manic episode of scrubbing the entire house and then fly into a rage because someone else got credit for it or any of the countless other attractive behaviors that were pretty normal during my marriage.

So, my final question is whether I write him back to explain that I will never give him access to my children-that he allowed that ship to sail when he started fucking someone who wasn't me. he will never receive a single picture, letter, card, or drawing from from one of my children or about my children. Perhaps his parents will oblige him, but not me. Nope. Nope. Nope. Absofuckinglutly not! If the kids want to seek him out when they are adults and he is no longer a guest of the state that is between them and their personal Jesus, but Mommy aint' having a damn thing to do with it. I will not watch him hurt them again while I am in control of their lives.

To write and express my true and deep feelings or not? The Aggie says no because I do not need to become tangled up in all of that shit again, but part of me really wants to inflict as much pain as humanly possible since I cannot actually put my hands on him and physically hurt him. I'm not normally a violent person, but I have been spoiling to hit someone or something for about a year now since I never got the opportunity to look him dead in his eyes and hit him with the biggest thing I could grab in my little hands. And trust me, I can sharpen my word into tiny, poisonous daggers that will need heal properly, but is it worth it? Will it just make it harder to leave it all behind me? Or will I just always want that last taste of finality that only a scathing letter can truly bring? Perhaps I should write it and not send it, much like my letter to that girl.

What say you, faithful few? I trust your learned opinions. Write and send? Write and don't send? Don't write and leave it alone? Leave me a little message so I can take everyone's pulse to help make my decision.

I will say this...I do forgive. It is not aulturistic though; I forgive him only because it is good for MY soul. Right now the only thing rconcerning around my little mind is the well-being of my little three person family-Me, Cait, and T. Everything else in the world is just lagniappe and I will deal with all of that as I feel like it...and right now, I'm not really feeling like it.


  1. You asked,,,,
    Anything at this point you write to him, In my opinion, would be taken as an opening for discussion... i.e., you express your true deep feelings with words like daggers, He thinks, "well, now that she has that out, she can listen" and he writes back justifying, etc....then you have to figure out if you need to write again...It may be therapeutic to write it and throw it away,,but unless you are willing to open dialogue with him,,, don't respond...

  2. Good point! I'm very much NOT willing to dialogue!

  3. I agree with TB. I think if you write him he will think it's okay to be pen pals.

  4. I think I would be more worried about you if you didn't cry over his letter (whether they're tears of anger or sorrow for what could have been if he wasn't such a dickhead)!

    I'm with Tanzie and Gena on this! I think he's just looking for a way to start communicating again, and even if he is trying to find God, there's probably still a healthy amount of manipulation in his motives.

    Right now, I say just let it lie. If you think it would be good to write something out and then not send it, go for it, but I know it would just rile me up and make it that much harder to move on.

    I just want to say, I think you're pretty awesome for putting all this out there! I'm proud of you!

  5. Yeah, Aggie did remind me several times that he was "a devious little midget" (Aggies nickname for his since the first meeting)and I'm pretty sure he thinks I'll cave in and be a sweet little pen pal. Not so much...

  6. I say leave it be.. Don't acknowledge that you even recieved the letter... Maybe better yet, anymore that you recieve from him, quickly put "return to sender" on the front and send back , unopened. Or maybe shred the letter he sent you and put it all in a envelope and send it back.. But I like to not only get even with someone, I like to get one step ahead.. What he did to you and the kids is horrific to say the least. He deserves every bit of what he is getting and more.


Questions, Comments, Concerns, Thoughts?