Love and Possibilities

After doing such a stellar job last week, I don't even know where the wagon is anymore. For the past two days I have been SO far off the wagon I'm not sure where it went.


However, for the first time in a while I did not get all sad and self-defeatist about it; I just went to bed and woke up to start all over. It's amazing what happens when you allow yourself to actually like yourself.


Wow, that's one of the very few times I can ever remember thinking that exact phrase. Huh, I like myself. How cool is that shit!


It's funny, I've lost this same six pounds before (many times before actually) but I've never looked at myself and said, "Damn, Sis, you did good! And ya look good too! Great job!" This time I did.

This time I never thought in terms of "can't" but "don't want". I never told myself I couldn't have anything; I was instead choosing not to have it. And then I found I really didn't want it. Nothing nailed that home like walking down the bread and cookie isle, smelling each through the packaging yet not wanting any of it. Not even tempted. It was freeing. After living my entire life constantly thinking about food (either in terms of what I can have, should have, shouldn't have, won't have, didn't have, etc), I kinda feel like I'm making headway finally in the struggle to take charge of me. Like I'm finding me. Really discovering and taking charge of my body and my mind for the first time. I know I'm normally not all "New Agey" but this is just pretty cool. And a totally new feeling.  

One one hand I'm really sad it took this damn long, but on the other, I'm glad it's actually happening at all.