What a difference a year makes...Happiness ahead

So, this morning I ran into the mom of a childhood friend. She asked me how things were going and then caught me up on what her daughter was doing these days. As she was talking my brain was screaming "Loser!!!! you sound like a complete and total loser, girl! I mean, really?"  I could see the pity in her eyes and the thought of "she was such a smart girl. too bad" radiating from her. Sigh....

My inner monologue was a total Debbie-Downer the entire ride home. I just couldn't get past the idea that at 32 (shh, don't tell) I'm a single mom living at home with my parents. I mean, how sadly pathetic.

But, then I stopped because I remembered what today was. Today, August 4th, 2010 would have been my 9th wedding anniversary.

I remembered that last year, on this day,  tears still slid down my face when someone asked me, "So, how's everything going?" because my anger and sadness over the entire situation was overwhelming. Last year, on this day, two wonderful friends of mine took me to a bar and got me plastered because I had already cried twice that day-once right before we left. Last year on this day I still felt hollow and defeated-living on my own with no job and money running out, still learning how to handle being a single mom. But today......

(Cheesy as it sounds, I really am feel like a Phoenix who has risen from the ashes.)

Buahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today I feel awesome. Today I realized that this day had snuck up on me because I hadn't even thought about its significance. Today I know that I am a completely different person from who I was a year ago. I am stronger than I even imagined. I feel so completely different about myself and my future-so positive, in spite of my occasional setbacks. I still may not have a lot of money, but I have a job. I may live with my parents, but I save on childcare. I may not have everything I want in life, but I have the moxy to go out and fucking get it for myself-unabashedly, unapologeticly.

I get to live my life my way. I get to raise my kids my way. I get to find my way in the world my way. I get to Find MY Happiness....my way.