What you have to do.

While having lunch with a friend today, she turned to me and said, "Jamie, I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of this. You just shouldn't have had to." I just laughed and agreed with her, but somewhere deep inside me something shifted and suddenly...I really felt like it was ok. There was no bitter taste, no residual anger-nothing but a laugh and a glance to the back seat at my Tristan.

Faithful few, you have no idea what it means to actually feel ok. To think that just maybe I can go an entire day without swallowing random flares of either hot, burning rage or deep, paralyzing sadness. However, its not the same feeling I remember that I had years ago...that was more akin to numbness than being ok. If nothing else I've learned that you have to chance it.

When I married Joe, I thought I was making a good choice. And if you use logic and pure facts of the time I did, unfortunately, I should have actually used more than just my head and facts. I should have included my instinct and my heart. Ooops. For so long I ignored both because I didn't trust myself with those things, let alone anyone else.

I think I'm getting to the place where I might actually be willing to take the chance. I already know what pain and betrayal are, so I might as well have the mania of intense love because I know I can live through the other. I know I can always do what I have to do-and live to tell the tell.