Random thoughts and musings of a single Mom striving to follow dreams and find pure BLISS.

What you have to do.

While having lunch with a friend today, she turned to me and said, "Jamie, I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of this. You just shouldn't have had to." I just laughed and agreed with her, but somewhere deep inside me something shifted and suddenly...I really felt like it was ok. There was no bitter taste, no residual anger-nothing but a laugh and a glance to the back seat at my Tristan.

Faithful few, you have no idea what it means to actually feel ok. To think that just maybe I can go an entire day without swallowing random flares of either hot, burning rage or deep, paralyzing sadness. However, its not the same feeling I remember that I had years ago...that was more akin to numbness than being ok. If nothing else I've learned that you have to chance it.

When I married Joe, I thought I was making a good choice. And if you use logic and pure facts of the time I did, unfortunately, I should have actually used more than just my head and facts. I should have included my instinct and my heart. Ooops. For so long I ignored both because I didn't trust myself with those things, let alone anyone else.

I think I'm getting to the place where I might actually be willing to take the chance. I already know what pain and betrayal are, so I might as well have the mania of intense love because I know I can live through the other. I know I can always do what I have to do-and live to tell the tell.


  1. so now is the time to get back in the saddle for the doctorate program.... just saying because I think it is fitting right here... I love you girly!!!

  2. Actually, I realized when I started those classes last summer that I really, really, really hate academic writing and I was sick to death of doing it. Just because you are pretty good at soemthing doesn't mean you should keep doing it. Instead, I'm ready to work on other types of writing that has absolutly nothing to do with parathetical documentation or using the correct "buzz words".


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