Things I'm figuring out.

I've spent SO much time in my life being introspective and overthinking every step I've ever taken. So, its ironic that I'd learn so much when I finally stopped thinking and decided to just do.

Always I've thought about appearaces, perseption, opinions, and being "right" and sometimes I feel like I missed out on valuable experiences that I really wanted because it just didn't seem "Jamie". For example, my senior year of high school I wanted dark purple stripes on the under layer of my hair. Since my hair was below my shoulders, it would only have been seen when either I fliped my hair or it was pulled back. I never did it. Now Kim has purple hair and I find myself amazingly envious.  Never in my whole life would I have ever thought of my sisiter with crazy hair- I mean, this the the girl who still swears her senior year hair style is still her favorite. (She graduated in 1990; you figure it out.) I've always thought is Kim as delishously normal while I've always silently railed against my self imposed bars of normalcy. Turns out that the door has been open the whole time, but I've been too afraid to walk through it. I've peaked out, but only when other people weren't looking.  I've been too afraid to call too much attention to myself. If I'm quiet and move slowly no one will know I'm here.

While looking through mom blogs I came across a phrase that I have been turning over in my head...I'm actually NOT a single mom, I'm an only parent. The Mom on the particular blog is a widow, but in thinking about it...I'm all but one myself. A majority of single Mom's have a single dad somewhere in the mix that takes on some sort of responsibility for the kids, even if it is just because of the law or their family make them. I find myself envious of friends of mine that have weekends where the kids go to stay with the dad, even if it is not often. I'll never have that. Even if he ever gets out of jail, he'll never keep my children because by then he'll have no parental rights. I am an Only Parent. I'm the only one the kids will ever truly know. I'm the only one that will ever dry tears, wipe butts, scare off potential dates, embaress them at school, negotiate allowance or ground them after doing something dumb. God, that's overfuckingwhelming. I get the credit when they do well and I also get the blame if they don't. *sigh*

I'm also figured out that there is nothing I want and nothing I need here on the Coast. Now, I'm not sure what I want or need, but I just know I won't find it here. That seems super scary because this place is so familular and comfortable that I could stay here and make a go of it, but I'd never be totally satisfied-not really. I think that's part of the reason I haven't found a gig here, I'm jst not supposed to. Now I just have to decide if there will ever be a place in which I am satisfied. North, South, East or West...where, oh, where will I fit best?