Exciting

Ok, just a short update on what's been going on so far...

• I have a job interview tomorrow and the idea of returning to the classroom at this particular school does not make me want to throw up! Maybe THIS is where I'm supposed to be? WHile I know I will be fine either way because I will always keep my online classes, I would like to have a full time gig.
• The cute guy who I have a lilttle crush on actually popped onto FB last night to say "Good night" to me.
• I think my son has officially remembered how to potty full time, which means all transitions are done. He's officially ok with living with Nanny and Poppa.
• I finally replaced my camera and got a GREAT deal!
• Cait has gone from stripping naked just in her bed to whenever she feels like it. She appeared in the living room completely bare butt and loked at me crazy when I fussed at her. *sigh*
• I actually wrote 1000 words on my story yesterday!!
• Feeling very at peace with my life right now. I think that's actually the best news of all!!!! 

For the love of a potato...

It must be my Irish roots or something, but I absolutly love anything that can be done to a potato. Smashed, fried, broiled, boiled, smashed, scattered, covered, chuncked...it doesn't matter. They are my weakness and my downfall-but more than that, they are my comfort.

Now it's not unusual because potatoes ARE a comfort food, but for me, it's more than eating them that is the comfort. You see, every Friday night of my childhood consisted of me and Mom hanging out together. Pop would be out on patrol with the Reserves and Kim would be either at her Dad's or out with friends and I had Mom all to myself. Every so often we'd meet Pop at the Annex for a cheeseburger and onion rings (OMG I still remember how yummy it was!), but normally Mom woudl make a huge batch of our "Friday Night Special." FNS is just fried potatoes and onions. Some salt, some pepper, and a bit of ketchup and it's heaven in a plate.

As I got older FNS began to evolve from my Mom's creation to my own. By high school I had added some sausage to make it a full meal. (Now I want no one to wonder why I was ever chunky.) This became my standby comfort meal-until I got married.

I made it for him one time and he spent the entire meal complaining that the potatoes were raw. SO, I like my potatoes with a bit of texture. He complained so often that I never tried to make it again. My comfort became contraband. I could only make it when he wasn't there and despite the fact he had affairs during out marriage, I can count the number of nights we spent apart. Ironic huh?! However, maybe I should have gotten the hint much earlier that if my comfort meal so disgusted him, mabe I shouldn't have married him. I'm just saying.

I had this meal tonight. My Mom and I shared just as we did when I was a kid and I'm glad to have the ability to make this meal for myself again-even if I totally don't need to eat it more than once every three months.

I am thankful and blessed that I have freedom. I can do, say, dress, cook, eat, talk, write, parent, and BE what I want.

Nothing Nice

Ok, I'm pissed! Yep, totally pissed off and if you are easily offended you may want to stop reading now because I just have to get this off my chest.

This computer I'm using is not mine and it pissed me off every single freaking time I open it up! That's right my computer is not mine. My computer is in the hands of the Biloxi crime lab because my ex-husband decided to "gift" it with mounds of naked teenage girls. Yep, that's what happened. Now, the question of the YEAR is: Why did he put it on MY computer when he had his own? Becuase mine was new and shiny, and powerful, and super cool! It could do anything at lightning speed. Now I saved up and bought it for myself because I teach online and needed something that could handle all of the stuff I need to do without freaking out the way my older computer would. It was top-of-the-line for real!

Now, I'm stuck with HIS old piece of shit and my Mom's older model laptop because I still have not recieve my comnputer back. I have called and called and keep being told in a few more months. Seriously? I was told last June I'd have it back in 6 months tops. When 6 months was up I called and was told definitly January. Now, still without it and I am getting more and more bitter about the fact that I'm stuck on these slow ass computers because my sick and self-centered ex thought child porn was a good idea and needed to keep it?! Really? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since family members of his are on my "friends" list so they can keep up with me and the kids I am always wary of saying anything abou him that would offend them-for some reason that I cannot really understand. It's not like THEY don't know what he did! And, hell, it was in the paper on the radio AND on tv so the whole freaking WORLD knows what the did so why am I concerned about it? Why should I have to still hide and be shamed when I didn't do anything wrong except give my love, loyalty, and trust to the wrong-fucking-man.

*sigh* Thanks for letting me do that...it was very nice and cathartic....HOWEVER, I STILL WANT MY GOSH DAMN COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe I should set up a donation line so everyone can contribute to the "Buy Jamie a New Computer Since her exHusband was a Bastard and Tarnished it Putting Pornographic Images of Teens on it" Fund. Tell your friends...

Girl's Night Out

I get to have a night out tonight with friends!! I'm so excited I can't stand it. Actually it's the second time in a month I'm gotten one and I'm overwelmed by the awesomeness(is that a word? Hum, it is now!) of my parents. (Thanks Mom and Dad!) Although tonight will be WAY more low key than last Saturday, I can tell it will be an amazing amount of fun-plus, I don't need another night out that makes me 2 days to recover from again for a while. *sigh*) Thinking of all the poor Girl's Night Outless Ladies out there iv'e decided to complie a list of ways to know just when you might need one.

Do you know you need a Girl's Night Out? (Non-Mom)
1. Spike has become your favorite channel.
2. Thought about watching Family Jewels just to get a shot of Shannon Tweed's boobs.
3. The senetence "no one actually needs more than 3 pairs of shoes anyway" has exited your lips.
4. Burping and passing gas has become funny.

Do you know you need a Girl's Night Out? (Mom)

1. You know the theme song for more than 4 cartoons-plus all the characters.
2. Discussions about poop are more common thatn discussions about the lastest gossip.
3. You can't remember watching something that isn't animated, even when the kids are in bed.
4. Your kids are better dressed then you.
5. The idea of shopping and NOT buying something for the kids fills you with guilt and confusion-what do you buy if you don't buy for the kids?

Seriously, ladies, if you experience ANY of those symptoms, please seek out your closest girl-friend and immediatly make plans for an evening away from anything that isn't directly related to things that are pretty, sparkly, and girly.

Trust me on this...I know what I'm talking about.

Pathways

I did something this week that I have NEVER done in my life-EVER...I allowed someone to read something that I had written. Now, right now you will think that THIS is what I'm talking about, but it's not. I think of this as an exercise in self-promotion, like being Kate Gosslin, but cuter and nicer and you don't have to see me.

Hummm, how do I explain....

SO, my Senior year of high school I took Oral Communications from Sharon Ladner (my favorite teacher of ALL time, btw!) and she had us make a list of 20 things we wanted to go in our lives. While I can't remember all of them, I DO remember that one of the biggies for me was to write a novel; however, I was careful to strategically cover my paper so no one would see THAT one. "Go to Paris" is common and woudln't commented on, but writing a novel makes people ask quesitons and pay attention. And that was the LAST thing I wanted anyone to do in high school. Yep, that's my dirty little secret; I'm a closet writer.

I wrote my first story when I was around 7 or 8, I guess. It was about an alien and I made up my own "alien language" for it. I was very proud of it, but I'm pretty sure I never showed it to anyone, let alone told anyone about it. It was just for me.

I continued writing little things here and there, but I discovered that the books I had were nothing lke the stuff I wrote so my stuff must not be very good. So, I didn't write as much, but the "want to" was still there, just scared to come out. That's when the "itchings" started.

My Pop refers to them as "buzzings" but to me, it actually feels like I have an itch inside my brain. Depending on the strength of the itch, it could be a sentence, a piece of dialogue, or an entire story. A little itch can be ignored, but eventually whatever the itch is MUST come out of my brain if I am to concentrate on anything. At 24 a giant itch caused me to sit in a robe and my hair in a towel for 3 hours while I wrote an entire short story. Yes, I had just gotten out of the shower and I had ignored the itch for two days. I was so compelled to sit and write I didn't even stop and put on clothes. I just sat down and began writing. it was so freeing and cathartic that I was literally crying and laughing and shaking with fear and excitment while I was writing. It was amazing!!! And that's when I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wanted to be a writer. I might have even sent it off to be published somewhere had Katrina not stolen it. Oh well. I guess that one was just for me too.

So, after that I stopped ignoring my itches and writing them down whenever and where I got them. You would not believe the random pieces of paper and napkins I have stuff written on-most nothing but ideas or notes of things I thought were interesting or mihg tbe useful later. Call me a pack rat, but I still have almost all of them.

Now, this all leads me to my recent endevor. When I began running last week, I discovered my iPod was M.I.A., my Mom's Ipod was dead, and my dad's radio thingy needed batteries...ahh, the best laid plans. Anyway, I went with just myself and the sounds of nature and was struck with an instant ITCH. I began composing a story in my head before I made a full rotation around the park. I came home and immediatly began writing. Every time I've run without an iPod I've written more of the story; I'm afraid the Ipod killed my imagination by giving me something to distract me from myself.

Anyway, I digress, yet again, I actually sent everything I had typed to a friend of mine (and fellow blogger cererallunchbox, Thankx Jess) for a bit of feedback. I think I checked my email 8 times the day I sent it, desperatly awaiting something-verdict, judgement, something, I don't know. However, today I got my something and it was a positive something. I feel good about myself. I feel optimistic about being able to actually finish it. I think I'll give periodic updates about my progress, because I've chosen my path and I want you guys to go with me.

Like Totally Crushing.

I think I have a crush! Now, it’s a harmless little thing that will never go anywhere-basically because the guy doesn’t know and never will- but I’m enjoying the excited bubbly feeling I get when I chat with him or he posts to my FB status. Why? Well, cause I’m a girl. I like the idea of being in like or in love. In fact, I’d have to say if I let down all of my guards I am a complete and extremely hopeless romantic. Even though my fairy tale imploded I still believe it’s possible to find another-that my terrible marriage was just the trials that all princesses must endure to find their true love.

Cinderella had the wicked stepmother and stepsisters.

Aurora had the long sleep.

Snow White had a stepmother and a long sleep.

I had Joe.

I think that’s about even.

Now you may ask, “Jamie, how exactly can you find it in yourself to still believe in happy endings and fairy tales?” Truthfully, I don’t know. I’m either crazy or just glutton for punishment, maybe I’m naive. Who knows? All I really know is that I will try again.

Hummm, maybe it’s just my competitive nature to not lose that’s making me want to find love again. I WILL win against all odds. And why not? I'm smart, relativly cute, funny, educated, fun, not to mention responsible and occasionally practical...surely I'm destined for great things?! Plus, I gotta say, I've NEVER met a Mom that didn't LOVE me!

Almost as an aside I must make a confession…I began writing this last night and when I awoke this morning I experienced the most terrifying, gut-wrenching, out of control combination of fear and anger directed towards the idea of love. It washed over me and called me “stupid” for even considering someone who could love me. How could I trust after barely living through the ultimate betrayal? How was someone going to fall in love with me when my husband hadn't even loved me or at least loved me enough to forsake all others? What in the name of hell was I thinking?

And then…the nice guy chatted with me and made me smile.

Maybe I’m just completely insane?!

She’s shifty

(Please do not mistake my musings for one of those sad and pathetic “my family is the root of all my problems” kind of tirades. I’m just retracing my steps to find out where I got lost. All responsibility for actions or non-actions is mine and mine alone. Thank you.)

So, I'm not sure why, but I have this affliction. As soon as I as within a touching distance of a guy I like and I lose ALL ability to hold onto my personality. Yep, that's right-I'm a personality shifter. I become exactly what the guys either want or expects me to be. and i also suddenly begin to love whatever they love. Why? for example, i don't like classical music or seafood, but I've dated guys who did and suddenly I'm listening to music without words, which would normally either put me to sleep or make me want to scream) and ordering shrimp instead of steak. Wha? My Mom is not like that. Other women in my family aren't like that. Why am I? Hell if I know. But I'm willing to do the leg-work to find out.

I realized that for the past 15 years I have spent no more than 3 months in a row without being in a relationship of some kind. Now, is that healthy? Obviously not because I'm in kinda sad shape right now.

How do you form your own personality? Is it ingrained in us from birth what we are to become or do we get to choose who we are and what we come to love?

Everyone in my family swears my baby-girl looks and acts just like me. I watch my daughter (23 months) and I am amazed by her vibrant, yet mercurial personality. Am I like that? I joke with people that Cait is what I would have been had I had any self esteem, but that’s really not a joke. She is unabashedly true to her wants and desires in a way I do not remember ever being. Just as I shift with guys, I shift in my family as well. I am the peace-keeper-the ever neutral Switzerland. Never having an opinion, but going with the flow and smoothing feathers. However, that was years ago when my Dad and my Sister (both with strong personalities) clashed at every turn. Why did I not evolve into my authentic self when my sister went to college and left me an only child at 12? What held me back? My parents would not have; in fact, they tried to get me to have true opinions even when my sister would have yelled them down.

In trying to find what I lost I will begin with defining those things that I love? (*note- I will be leaving out my children, my family, and my friends because they are all just a given.) Hummmmm, what do I love? Gerber daisies (I’ve decided even though they were in my wedding, carried by my bridesmaids, I can still like them.), Pink, Purple, Sparkle (of any kind), dandelions, tattoos (yes, I really do, and I want a couple more. However, I do NOT want to look like Kat Von D.), Tinkerbelle, making sarcastic remarks, laughing until I cry, any book, movie, or documentary set in Victorian, Tutor, or Elizabethan England (yep, I’m an Anglophile), sitting outside and feeling the wind and sun on my face, sitting alone and reading in silence (so, I don’t actually get to do that one much.), pedicures, facials, my hair being red, Disney, writing, taking naps, yoga pants, sitting under the stars, cuddling....

What do I hate?
Roses (sorry, i just don't like them, especially red ones. The bright pink ones are pretty nice though.), being in a hurry, competing with someone I love, people telling me what to do, people telling me what I think (especially when they are wrong), feeling scared, being confused, having no time to myself, my cluttered room (normally it's due to lack of effort, but it's actually lack of space currently), feeling alone in a crowd, having anger and hate bubble up at random moments, crying...

I'm leaving the ellipses up because I think this will be an ongoing experiment in myself. Feel free to leave comments of your own favorites- it might jst give me more ideas.

Once upon a time there was a little girl who believed in fairy tales. She sought out her Prince in every venue in each face, only to find herself disapointed each time. In fact, she searched so often and so completely she forgot she was part of the equation. Oops!

So this is where my story begins-a failed fairy tale.

Since I was 17, I've continuously been in a relationship, but with the demise of my marriage I've decided to take stock of myself and try to rememeber what makes Jamie click.

• What do I love?
• What do I hate?
• What are my dreams?
• What do I want from life and from myself?
• What do I belive?
• Where do I want to be?

and when I am ready...What do I want in a man?