Happy Birthday Baby!!!

My baby boy is now a big boy! It's just overwhelming to think that four years ago today I was lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to random and various things they hook you up to when they induce your labor...but mine had been induced almost a day and a half before. Let's just say I was VERY tired of being in labor (and pain since I wasn't given pain medication in case it "slowed" my labor, like it could have gotten slower).

So, the downside of two days of labor and an emergency C-section at 8:00 PM is that when you baby is born you are so exhausted that all you can do is sleep and everything you remember is kinda hazy. I remember the doctor and the nurses telling jokes and singing to me. I remember tears sliding down my face because he did not cry immediately and I was terrified something was wrong.  I also remember looking at that smashed little face, our eyes meeting and the unspoken message of "Lady, I just wanna sleep for a while if that's OK with you" popping into my brain. Works for me!  (That's why when the way too chipper nurse said, "Do you wanna try to nurse now?" the comment, "You've got to be fucking kidding me?" popped into my head and unfortunately came out of my mouth. ( I seriously didn't know I had said it aloud until much later-they'd already given me morphine so I don't think I was really responsible for my lack of filter.)


Anyway. I find myself still being in complete awe of him. I guess, him being my first-born, I always will be. He's aggravating, wildly hyper active, precocious, not always the best listener, stubborn, sneaky, hardheaded, occasionally whiny, sensitive, fierily protective, empathetic, sweet, funny, personable, helpful, loving, curious, and wickedly cute.

Since I really have no words...all I really know is if I play my cards just right, I will mold this precious son of mine into a person I would be friends with and a man I am proud of.



What a blessing and a cool responsibility to be his Mom?!!!

Begining at the Begining Again

Operation Self-Esteem--Day Fucking One.
(Elizabeth Gilbert)

Yep, I think I have finally hit the self-analysis wall. Actually, I slammed into it head first, rubbed up against it like a cat, and just- kept- beating- my- head- against- the- stupid- ass- fucking- wall! So, now hopefully all of that is out of my system for a minute and perhaps, it is time to back off and take stock of life as it stands.

I have a job. It may not start until October, but at least I know that I have one. And that interview really boosted my confidence so I'm willing to look into other options that start before October.

I'm not yet the size I want to be and I didn't meet the goal I set in January; HOWEVER, I am numerous inches smaller in most of the areas I wanted to shrink. I'm also pretty proud of the hourglass figure I've achieved and most of the time I feel very Marilyn.

I may not have completed the C25K, but I've decided to start again since I'm in better shape this time than last time I tried. The treadmill is cleaned off for use (since it's too bleeding hot to do it outside) and I even have an app for that on my phone.

My kids aren't the best behaved in the world, but they are cute, polite, listen relatively well, and will be going back to school soon. Did I mention they are cute? Plus they are gong to be way smarter than me so I totally may need to go back to school just so I can keep up.

I might still be living at home, but when Pop graduates from USM (finally) they are going on some trips so I get a bit of a break. Plus, I never have to pay a babysitter when I go to the gym.

I've decided to eliminate all toxic people from my life as much as possible, and if it isn't possible I can at least limit my exposure and how I allow them to effect me and my life.  First and foremost being my ex-husband because he is officially a guest of the state way up in North Mississippi for the next 15 years. I know it sounds strange, but until everything was final I just had this nagging feeling that he could show up at my door. Now, rationally, I know he had no way to do that, but his bail had been lowered and I just couldn't feel totally safe. Not really. Living with my pop has given me the most solace because he would never be dumb enough to face my Dad after what he did; however, I'm sure he's really pissed at me and bound to get even more pissed. (But that's for a later post)

DB told me last night that I need to talk less, do more. Actually that is a paraphrase, but that was the basic thought. She's right, of course, and not just because she is a physiologist and isnt' her job to be right, but because she's known me forever and knows I need to just get out and DO. Do what? Doesn't matter as long as I just get out and do something! I am gong to start a list of things I really want to do in the next year and hopefully I can get them all checked off by the time my year is up.

Most of all I'm going to give myself a break; I just think it is time. Each day, no matter how hard it gets, I'm going to pay myself on the shoulder and congratulate myself on what I have done up to this point. Yep, actually give myself credit for not crawling into the hole I really REALLY wanted to crawl into last year and floating through life letting everyone else take care of me. Good job, Me!

Weekly Wrap Up

There are so many things that happen in the course of a week. Good-Bad-Indifferent-Crazy-And each of them vying to overtake me and control the week as a whole. Most of the time I can keep a pretty solid balance, but I'm afraid I was not as successful this week. Looking over the past week there are some clear winners in the grand struggle for dominance in my life.

Coming into first place is: emotional eating. (Sometimes the physical discomfort associated is at least something to either distract from feelings OR something to feel out of the numbness. My job won't start until October, which certainly doesn't help my pocketbook. I did apply for a few other positions; although it was a bit hard to not think that there is no real point to apply because I probably won't get them anyway. *sigh* Just imagine me not on meds. )

A close second: Listlessness. (I have not written a single word in a week. That's right, a whole week. I'm so 'shamed, but I just have not been able to think or concentrate on anything long enough to accomplish much of anything. Hell, I haven't even to the gym but once because I just couldn't figure out how to get there with the kids not taking naps and Kalan with us. And Lawd, Lawd, did T and Kalan fight and argue.)

Ah, but we just can't forget guilt. (T is not registered for school. I'm not doing very well in the class I've been helping my Pop with. I really, really want to run away sometimes and depending on the day, most of the time I want to go alone. My kids are hyper and crazy and make mj nuts, so I don't feel I can go anywhere or do anything if it doesn't involve my children.)


At the very bottom of the list is a very slight spark of hope. Just because it got a bit buried this past week doesn't mean it won't reemerge this week. After all, tomorrow is another day.

Wedding Thoughts

This is my super-fab cousin Sunnie is getting married in two weeks.She is also the apple of my son's eye. Seriously, I think he'd go live with "MY cousin Sunnie" in a second.

There she at the right...notice the family resemblance...Fair skin. Faux red hair. Sarcastic smile. We are practically twins!

Anyway, she is marrying this guy here...Jesse Pounders.  I have only met Jesse once, but I'm always drawn in my a calm soul and he certainly has that.

You tend to notice things like that about people when you come from a terribly ADD family where everyone fidgets and constantly fills the silence.





I have been trying to give advice and suggestions and be supportive via text, email, and FB about the wedding. I even offered to drive up early and help set up everything. I'm sure she has more than enough help, but I'm a fan of both of them and, truthfully, they are living examples of my hopes.

You see, a majority of us McCarty women have "issues" with our men. (I think I might have blogged out this before.) However, Sunnie has not been immune to the guy-debacle. She has been super supportive during this whole "single mom" thing because she was one way before me.

But when her back was turned, this man caught her by surprise and changed everything. She is blissfully happy in her country wonderland, surrounded by plants and dirt-the way all good hippies should live. While on one had I am "pea-green with envy," I am also so happy because she totally deserves to find her bliss and her true happiness.

I know my time is coming because we all find it eventually, that person who calms and compliments our hectic brains. And when I do...I'm eloping!

Strange Realizations

So, my friend, D, and I were chatting last night, discussing our amazing lack of lives, when I was totally caught off guard with what should have been obvious. When she and I talk about these things we want we are actually talking about vastly different things.

I said I wanted a social life. (Now this is the part where I admit that I actually sabotage myself from having a social life. The longer I at home, without said life, the more likely I am to stay that way. I even start to make up excuses and plot how to NOT go anywhere. It almost feels like I make myself agoraphobic. Now multiply that with the guilt I feel whenever I go somewhere without the kids and my parents watch them for me. Hell, I only went to the gym once this past week because I just felt terrible and selfish every time I thought about going. If the kids weren't asleep, I just couldn't make myself go. I feel like I have to work up as much good will with my mom as possible because my kids stress her out. She's a believer that kids should be seen and not heard and my kids just can't manage that one-my fault, I didn't raise them that way.) Anyhow, back to my story...

D, however, wants an exciting life. Now the description she presented of the "perfect, fantasy life of excitement" sounded like I would find it fun for about five minutes-perhaps ten, but definitely no longer than an hour.

I think excitement might be overrated or at least what most people consider excitement. I'm just not an adrenaline junkie. I can handle roller coasters about once a year (at best). While I drive a little fast, it makes me hyperventilate to ride with someone driving fast. I prefer to eeeeaaassse into new situations, not jump in head first. in other words, I'm a total scardy cat. I admit it.

However, I think there is something to be said about calm souls and enjoy quiet evenings as much nights out. That sounds like a whole lot of fun to me. I mean, me ex was the life of the party. Fun, outgoing, and totally bored by nights at home with me and the kids. In think that was one of the issues that prompted him to find, umm, another playmate-as it were. An evening playing with the kids and snuggling on the couch after they are in bed sounds as thrilling to me as an evening out...actually it sounds way more fun than a wild night at a club.

Ahhh my wild and crazy dreams...

40 mg days

Truthfully, it's been a 40 mg week. (for the past few weeks). I am a relatively simple creature and always have been. I am happy until someone or something screws it up. Hell I can even handle it when someone screws up my happiness and still be happy...be there are always limits that a person can be pushed.

In case you guys haven't guessed, I am so far past my personal limit I am finding it difficult to breathe. Seriously.

I'm living a "damned if I do and damned if I don't" episode of a fucked up TV series right now. Maybe a Lifetime one. I do something nice-I did it wrong. I do something to help-I did that wrong too. I do something I'm asked to do-I do that shit wrong as well. However, if I do nothing at all-I'm just as wrong as I would be if I did anything. Hum, guess what my solution is? That's right, faithful few, I try to remember not to do shit. Hell, if I'm gong to be berated and reminded how wrong everything I do is, I'd rather it be for not doing anything...it just feels less personal that way. Ya know?!


This week we have K with us. love the kid, but if I have to watch one more episode of tween-TV (iCarly, Wizards of Waverly Place, etc.) I'm not sure if I will puke, throw up, or explode. However, i do know where he gets the eye roll and hand-on-head deep sigh shit from. Those shows. OMG, those kids are sassy and sacrcastic and rude. I'm not sure why it's "cute" but obviously someone thinks it is. I'm terrified T1&T2 will pick up on it and force me to smack the hell out of them for it. (It may seem cruel or  terrible, but do not for a second think I will hesitate to thrust my hand across the mouth of my children when needed or appropriate. For example, my son hollered in my face one time...ask me if he has ever done it again.)

SO, moving on...what did I do to soothe myself today? Well, duh! I did what every occasional, self-loathing, emotional eater does...I totally overate at dinner and then had a big bowl of ice cream with the kids. Why? Becuase physical discomfort does distract from emotional discomfort. It's true. Wanna know how I know this? because I'm an emotional eater.


Tomorrow is another day...maybe I'll only need 20.

The Wrap-up

So, its the end of this lovely weekend and although I should be in bed, I just can't freaking sleep. I have tried a dozen things to help me sleep, but I draw the line at warm milk. Sorry, if I don't like it cold, I sure at hell won't like it warm. Blech!

Anyway, this is my last ditch effort at sleep. I figure if I can write all of the random craziness in my brain I might, just might be able to get to sleep before my children wake up. OK now, let's start at the beginning...

Friday-massive cleaning tactics because of the Sadler invasion that evening. Picture it, six kids (whose ages range from14 to 2) and three adults in one small house. Fruit-basket-turn-over to be sure, but it was fun- claustrophobic, but fun.

I got to hear an almost play-by-play for a good friend of mine fall in love over the weekend. I'm so excited for her because she deserves to be happy so badly. She would send me random messages about things he would say or do. Totally swoon worthy! Although he has a brother, I'm actually wondering if I can get him cloned. lol  Actually, its the first time a friend of mine found happiness in boyland that I felt not even the smallest pang of envy because I didn't have one too. Maybe I've realized that it will come when it comes, or not. I certainly do not relish the idea of being alone, but I'm not afraid of it anymore. That's a big step for me. I'm letting go of my perceptions of pretty much everything. I'm going to create my own time and space from what works for me and not what is The Status Quo. I can now wrap myself up in the idea of being whole and solid on my own instead of needing another half.

I sometimes, wondering, because in writing it is so hard to detect particular inflections that show up verbally, if people mean comments the way I take them. In a chat it easier because you can ask, but on a random comment...all but impossible. However, I have decided that if it makes me happy to take a comment a particular way, I'm going to do just that because it hurts no one if I do.  So there. 

Today I watched my Brother-in-Law play beaseball with my kids (and his too). He ticked and hugged and even let Cait put bows in his hair and while I loved him for it, it didn't make me sad.  I think that's HUGE  for me. No, no, I know it's HUGE for me. I didn't think of what my kids were missing out on; instead, I simply enjoyed the moment of watching them play and of beign in the background.  (Seriously, by the 100,000th Mommy, you'd have to be deaf not to need a time out. I don't care what anyone says.) 

In the next few weeks, the final push to get whatshisname completely ripped from our lives will be in full effect. He will not have a single right to them AND they will have MY name and not HIS name. We will all have my name. While I am still in contact with his family, because his family didn't fuck everything up he did, I think it's better that the kids do not have that "name" hanging over them forever. Plus, it is be the sweat of MY brow that clothes, feeds, shelters, spoils, loves and discliplines them so they should have MY name. I don't even mind going back to the middle of the alphabet; at least the McCs come before the rest of the Ms.

Ah, so enthused by so little...Oh, I also have written absolutly nothing sice Friday. Nope, not a word, sentence, phrase, nada! Why? Umm, did you read above the vast number of people that were in this house this weekend? Yeah, that's why. I plan on making it up this week and continuing my push to finish. I think I will concentrate on filling in gaps that bother me since I've changed stuff half way in. I have copious notes of changes and additions that keep floating in front of my eyes while I'm writing so I guess I should go ahead and get that done so I can figure out the rest of the story. It's getting pretty good, but I still don't knwo who the bad guy is. There are several contenders who have motive and oppotunity, but I just do not know how it will turn out. I have no idea if that is good or bad either, but it certainly is the way it's going.

Ok, perhaps I can sleep now. I sure hope so since I can feel my eyelids sinking....G'Night!