unimpressed

Never underestimate people being strangely butt-hurt and pissy when you are suddenly not at their beck and fuckin call...even though they were never at yours.

However, I will not let my feelings continue to be hurt. I. will live unapologetically the way I feel I should live.

Isn't it odd when people seem to feel they have some sort of hold on you that they neither should have nor were asked to have. Sigh....people are crazy.

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I'm Baaaack...

I was told today that my poor cuz was so lost because I haven't blogged in a while...Sorry, Sunnie. This one's for you.

I know it's been a while since I showed up here, but I spent week before last so darn sick that I barely had the energy to crawl into bed each night. Then last week I was in some crazy funk that I just couldn't shake no matter what I tried.


I'm thinking it was probably just the aftermath of my wonderful, amazing, fabulous Valentine's with mi Marquito. I mean, ya spend 24 hours wrapped in the light and loving warmth of Cloud 8,422 and then  plunged into the cold reality of life, it tends to play havoc on your psyche. I'm just guessing people; I have no clue why I was in my head all week. (Not that I don't have several theories mind you.)


However, I did manage to belly crawl out by this past Sunday and MAT was very happy to hear the difference in my voice. I guess the lunch time phone calls I received Thursday and Friday were literally to check on me because he said the other night he was starting to get concerned because I was acting differently, "Not like my Jamie."


I need to pause here to tell all of you that being referred to as "my Jamie" or the newly minted "mi Jamiecita" is absolutely thrilling. He used that to start a text this afternoon and got so giddy and light headed that I got up and gave all my students in that class and piece of candy-just cause. That is what that man does to me...he just makes every moment seem like one to celebrate.


Anyway...Between gaining two pounds while being too sick to track my eating on WW the week before or the fabulous news that I have to have a "procedure" for an abnormal pap (lucky me) or the lack of sleep that comes from MJ being out of town and both kids crawling into bed with me each night, it just wasn't my week. Ok, it didn't help that I know I wasn't going to be able to see MAT that weekend either. I joked with him that I knew it was important for him to work since he spent so much money on our amazing Valentine dinner. He was busy. I was busy. It was a beautiful weekend and even though I spent the majority of it outside with the kiddies, I couldn't help but think it'd be even more fun with MAT and little D running around with us.

I am feeling better and today's flirty chats with Marquito certainly helped my day. Insert large smile and cleansing sigh here...

Valentine

Perhaps I am overly dramatic or fatalistic, but I swear at least once a week I expect to get the call, email, text, chat, or whatever that effectively ends this little cloud of giggly joy of mine. Yep, it still just seems impossible that this will continue because, let's face it, I really haven't had the best luck with guys ever. I'm guessing this is different because I didn't choose him, he started it so technically he chose me. That boggles my mind, guys. It just does and I promise, I really do have a moderately healthy self esteem...now.

Anyway, I had to ask a question that made me queasy, but I did it anyway. You see, I found this little gift that i knew I had to get for him, but first I needed to find out if it needed to be a Valentine's gift or a birthday gift. (His birthday is the 20th.) So, I asked what it should be for.

He replied that he'd "be happy if you'd be my Valentine." I swear my hands were shaky and sweating waiting for that reply. Did I think he'd be all, "Are you kidding, Hell no," or "That's a bit too much for me right now,"? Umm, yeah, actually I did. Hear again, I keep expecting the worst and getting pleasantly surprised.

Anyway, long story short (too late) I have a Valentine's date! He made reservations for us to take a cooking class where we make this fancy brunch with the help of a chef and then eat it. I've always wanted to do something like that! Isnt' it just the sweetest?! I'm gushing...I know. It's totally disgusting and I'd vomit myself if it weren't actually happening to me.

I think it is cute and sweet and all romantical. Like him...

Downer Central

So, I got some super cool, totally killer news the other day. On a whim, I threw out a resume to an online University that was looking for a Curriculum designer. I never actually thought they'd call or anything, but low and behold...they freaking called! Seriously!

I talked to the Human Resources lady and she set up a phone interview for tomorrow afternoon. I am excited. My pop is pretty pumped. MAT is excited for me. Everyone seems to be excited...except MJ.

In addition to really not acting excited today she lowered the boom of her problem with this "whole thing". Let's, at this point, try to understand that I am only mildly qualified for this job, but it does get me on a community college/university level, which is where I have been wanting to be or at least wanting to get to. Do I expect to get this job? Well, no. Will this stop me from trying? Well, no.  Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled downer session...her problem is the job is located in Orange Beach, Alabama. Yep, two hours from Pascagoula and her. Why? Because from the sounds of it, I am supposed to stay put, cross my fingers for a job here, and never budge from where I am or strive for what I want in life because that makes me a bad mother. That's right fellas. I am a bad mother.

This isn't a conversation we haven't had before, but it never fails to overwhelm me every time. Any time I have a single thought that deviates from hers I become a bad mother. Shall we say that most of my thoughts diviate from hers. It's as though she doesn't understand that I do not have the luxury of being a stay at home mom and devoting every waking second of my life to my children. And to be honest, I dno't want to. I like being Jamie as much as I like being Mommy and I think it is possible to be both. Silly me. I actually said, durign this particular "discussion", "A happy Mommy is good for the kids." Her reply? "A happy Mommy comes second."

Please, do not misunderstand, I do love this woman, but she and I speak a different language. She sees herself as a martyr that sacrificed herself on the cross of motherhood and I see her as someone who really did as she pleased at any given time, but made it seem as though everything revolved around us. I wore the clothes she wanted me to wear, I wore my hair how she wanted me to wear it, I took the classes she wanted me to take, and I took it all with my head down and listened to her bitch about every small, insignificant thing I ever did, said, or thought that she disaproved of...and I did it with a smile people. Why? The same reason we all did, some battles cannot be won so you should just surrender before it begins. It was all about keeping the water smooth. Still is.

I'm not really a bad mother for wanting to follow my dreams am I?

Couch to 5K Again...

Here's the thing...I really want to be a runner when I grow up. I've always wanted to be a runner. But unfortunately I never really thought it was possible to become a runner.

Why?

#1 - I was always told I run too long in the same place.

#2 - MJ claims women were not built to run.

#3 - My brain can't stop thinking "Are you fucking kidding me! Big girls don't run!" each time I try.

So, even though I really want to I have this negative talk the revolves around my brain and thunders in my ears each time I get out there. But I think I have found the key...

If I have a hard time doing a whole minute, why not create my own Ramp up to C25K program, where I only run 30 seconds at a time. I'm thinking that after about 2 weeks I'll be able to accomplish the minute without as much problem.

I'm even going to set it up like the original program and I will walk between my "jog" days in addition. I have 14 Weeks until my 5 K.

I'm thinking 2 weeks for the "Ramp Up" program adn then I will start the 'real" program, but I'm still giving myself enough time to possibley repeat weeks if necessary.

I will do it this time. I will do it this time. I will do it this time. I will do it this time. Dammit!

Weighing Down

I don't think I've let you guys in one this little tidbit, but I joined Weight Watchers after the New Year. I have kept it a bit "hush hush" because I felt like only fat people join WW. Well, guess what? I'm pretty fat, guys. True story, even IF no one actually believes I weigh as much as I do.

So...I bit the bullet and joined after I saw a friend of mine getting amazing results.

Guys, I have to tell you...this shit ROCKS! Seriously!!!

I've always felt kinda pissed off that I could eat whenever I wanted and had to deprive myself when I hardly ever saw my skinny friends do that. Or my skinny sister and mother. Well, on this I CAN eat whatever I want, but I just have to keep it with my point range. I can do that. Of course, I'm finding that things I thought I HAD to be able to eat I don't really want anymore though, because there are things I prefer.

For example, my favorite snack now is a banana slathered with a tbsn of peanut butter. Who know Elvis wasn't actually full of shit?! I can also eat carrots and hummas (LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I was bummed that I couldn't have hummas when I was low carbing. now, I still don't eat a whole lot of bread and whatnot, but now it's by choice and not because I'm told not to.

Now, I'm pretty sure I would have hit my five pound goal before now, but I accidentally clicked the wrong thing and put myself in maintenance instead of weight loss. however, I think it's still good that I lost 5 pounds in 4 weeks. Slow and easy, right?

It's also teaching me how to eat. I biggest issue I've always fought is actually eating, well, eating at all. When I was growing up MJ would comment on having gained a few pounds and  instantly stop eating until she'd lost it (Oops, I "forgot" to eat lunch again.) or would constantly comment on every single thing Pop and I put in out mouths; so, I assumed to lose weight you jut had to not eat. For a long time I was good at that too. In fact, I'm willing to go on a limb and guesstimate that I consumed around 100 calories a day for the entirety of my freshman year of high school. Why? Well, I only ate around my parents and then I ate like I was on a diet. Oh, MJ was SO proud of my weight loss and talked about it to everyone. Truthfully, it's one of the only times I've felt she was really proud of me. Now, some of my friends noticed the whole not eating thing and started getting concerned, but the parents never noticed anything other than my loss. Ok, so that really WAS the plan, but it kinda pissed me off anyway. I know; I was a bitchy teenager. Well, after the school year ended and I had to been seen eating that summer I gained weight and couldn't find that "happy-not-hungry" place anymore when school finally started.

Truthfully, I was actually pretty ok, until the high school boyfriend. With his "help" I slid down into a huge gully of self loathing that continued for years. Perhaps I'll tell you guys about it one day, but I'm not sure if I want to. Suffice it to say that I'm not in that place anymore, but it damn sure took a long time to crawl out.   Anyway, I gained and pulled my fat around me subsociously thinking that only those REALLY interested in me would approach me and I'd be protected from the world. Not so much actually since I proceeded to pick guys that preyed on weak girls. And I was a weak girl. Notice the WAS!!

Sorry, I got derailed...my bad. Anyway, the point is I'm learning to feed my body with healthy foods and not depriving myself of "treats"; however, my definition of treat is changing. I am loving WW and already plan to sign you for three more months when my first 3 are up. I will be a WW girl probably forever.

The only thing I hate about it is that it took me so long to actually join. I can SO do this!

Non-mushy Catch Up

I know that I've had a WHOLE lot to say about my Colombian and not so much to say about anything else lately. Sorry about that. Since I'm spending my weekend sans soccer player, I will take this time to fill all of you guys in on the goings on of me. 

The biggest thing would be my new job.  Can I just tell you guys how surprised I am that I actually like teaching Jr. High? Seriously. The seventh graders are just cute and still easily molded into whatever I want. I have NEVER been so "yes ma'am ed" in my life. I'm also lucky that I like my boss. He is a super principal and when he says, "Do whatever you feel like you need to do and I will back your play" I absolutely believe him. Love it!

I'm struggling with the idea of "where will I or should I be" still. or maybe it's again. No, no. I think it is still.  Since my job is only until May I am a bit worried about where I will be next year. Now, my boss's secretary has already voiced her opinion on the matter and wants me at Magnolia next year. While I'm down for that, I also hear there will be openings at JC in the English department, which is actually my total dream job. OK, after being a full time writer or just a person who gets paid insanely obscene amounts of money to read books all day, that is. Anyway, I've wanted to end up at a juco since I was a juco student back-in-the-day. I mean, it's more freedom that high school, but no "publish or perish" pressure. It's the perfect happy medium!

There are two things that totally poo-poo on those two ideas...ONE: I never wanted to ever live in this God forsaken town and area again (To those from this are, sorry, but I have to be honest. I hated growing up here).  TWO: the whole issue of being 3 hours from this certain beautiful and amazingly sexy Colombian (Sorry, I guess he HAD to make an appearance. I mean, if we always live 3 hours away from each other will we ever progress past the "rose colored glasses" phase and into reality? For real, guys, he thinks I'm funny and perfect so reality has just NOT set in at all; plus, I'm still waiting for something to be wrong with him. Well, something other than him thinking I'm funny and perfect. ;)  ).

Of course, I still feel all shaky after last year's total FUBAR set of interviews where I wasn't able to score a single job. That just can't happen this year!!! I will NOT live with the parents for another year. I just won't. I need to detox and reprogram my children. I need to find my bearings as a mother and an independent woman again. Plus, let's all be honest here, I'm ready to not feel like a total loser because I'm 33 years old and live with my freaking parents. I also need a bit of space from MJ. Really.

While I have decided to litter the world with my resume from the Coast, across LA (lower Alabama), west Florida, and north to the Atlanta area. Good grief, some great job should be available to me with all of those places covered. Right?

I did apply for a very cool juco job pre-Colombian and it would be even cooler to get it now since I'd be so close to him with that job. We will just have to see what shakes out. I must say that my frugal (cheap) side feels the most comfortable with the coastal jobs so I can live in this house for all but free. (Pop is retiring in August and will move him and MJ somewhere, but where jut depends on what he plans to do.) But that still make me a bit blech because of the whole distance thing. Here again, I'm still thinking that whatever will be will be. Right?! I mean, at least there would be room for him and D to come for the weekend and hang out with us. OK, I'm stopping. I have to stop. I just can't think about it right now because it's silly.

Anyway...I guess the moral of the story is that I am begin proactive in finding my place in the world, but I'm still totally unsure of where it is. However, at least I'm more willing to look now and I will have some money saved up so the idea of moving doesn't make me half as queasy as it did last year.

Light your candles fellas. Say a few prayers. Throw some salt. Or feel free to engage in any other Deity inspiring activity that will send positive energy and vibes my way. Please and thank you in advance.