Handmade Christmas

Well, I haven't kept all of you guys up to date on my employment woes because, truthfully, it's so amazingly depressing to think about I totally pull a Scarlet O'Hara most days; however, the other day I was shoved into reality. I was laid off of my Phoenix gig.  *sigh*

It's true. Just like last year around this time, I am not needed until after the first of the year due to low enrollment. I'm doing a bit of extra training so I won't forget what to do (umm, like I did last year) between now and then, but I'm totally NOT getting paid for it. *sigh*

My response? Dispondant and Depressed. Pop's response? Ok, don't worry about it. LC's response? Cool, now you can concentrate on getting a real job up here. (My response to that one, "I have been, but I have no work experience except teaching."  :P )

Well, I decided after both of those conversations that perhaps I should branch out farther and "spin" my education experience so it fits other areas. I actually applied to 3 non teaching jobs this past week. Check me out!! Starting Monday I will begin calling those various places because, by God, I want a job!

ANYWAY, even before this recent development, I had decided to call upon my creative talents for Christmas. Why? Well, I'm a single mom with 2 two part time jobs, guys;I have no money.

I researched various way to have a frugal, homemade Christmas for a week or so before I ran across things I could really do without totally stressing myself out-or leaving my comfort zone. (Two things I SO don't need to do right now.) Hell, I even found a few things I think I'll make and wrap up for myself.

For more information check out the Christmas Planning link on the right side of the page for more information and links to projects and pages to inspire you. I'll be updating it as I go, so check back to watch my progress or affer suggestions.

Maybe I'll even have my own tutorials...Woooooo. Humm, perhaps I shouldn't get ahead of myself.

Confidence?!

My last post earned a few comments that left me reeling.

I was complimented on my confidence. Can you believe that shit?! Me? Confident? For real?

I have to say that is not a description that has everevereverever  been used to describe me in any way, shape, form, or capacity. Seriously.

Of course then I had to read my post again and I discovered the damnedest thing...I did sound confident. Whoa....so then I had to think back over my day and I discovered that at no point in my day did I feel negative in anyway about myself. I didn't hide and shy away from people one time. In fact, I even found myself giving and getting smiles in return-and from cute men too.

That's when it struck me...holy shit, I AM confident. Huh, ain't that some shit. 


I wonder when that happened?!

Well, I guess it all started when I was no longer bombarded with messages that I was shit.  Then, there is the whole elimination of everyone and everything that made me feel badly about myself.

Definitely a move in a positive direction, wouldn't you say?

Well, I've also dropped some weight and quite a few inches. I'm nowhere near my "goal" by a long shot, but I have to say that I am really enjoying the shape and dimension of my body. There's a definite hourglass effect happening and it makes me feel very sexy. (SHOCKSHOCK)  At this point I could even care less if anyone else sees it or even appriciates it because I like it.

Get the fuck out...there's that whole confidence thing again.

hahahahahawoooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooohahahahahahahahahahah...
that's fucking cool as shit, guys. check me and my (slowly, but continuiously shrinking) ass out!

I am confident.

I am happy.

I am finally comfortable with me.


Well, at least for today; tomorrow might be another story, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. But what a cool bridge for me to have to cross!!

Throwing Myself Under the Bus

Yep, I'm going to do it; you heard it here first. (or at all actually because I don't think my comings and goings are really news worthy-yet (WINKWINK) )

Anyway, I have come to a huge decision and wanted to share it here so I would have people constantly on my ass about it basically. If you have never looked at the pages listed along the top, left side of this page (No the Other Left. Geeze guys!) you should notice a link that is titled What this Girl will Do in a Year.

If you can't see it you are, indeed looking at the wrong side of the page, so look again. Ahh, now we are cooking with gas.

Well, one of the items on that list is to finish my major WIP (work in progress) by Christmas. The idea for this particular piece struck me (damn near literally) while I was attempting the C25K back in Febuary. (No, I didn't finish that either, but it is ALSO on my list. By God, I WILL do it!) However, after working and piddling with it I decided to get super serious this past June. And then I hit a huge block wall...

It's not I ran out of things to say,  I literally hit a section that I couldn't write through, under, over, sidways, beside, or in the general vicinity of and every time I tried I hated it so completely that it began to color the entire work for me. Well, FF I just couldn't have that!  

So, I took some time off to work on other pieces.

Then I did some traveling.

Then I got my classes at JC.

Then T started to school and I thought my time would magically open up...WRONG!

Nope, now MJ makes even more snide comments whenever she sees anyone on a computer. "What? I wasn't saying anything about you?!" Methinks she doth protest too damn much, but that's just me. Patience has never been a virtue of mine (ask any former students, they'll tell ya that's the honest truth.), but I have tried to be as passive as possible (as a gift to my Pop) in expalining that between the writing I'm (attempting), teaching online, grading papers via email, and yes, periodically checking FB to catch up on anything that happens outside the city limits of Pascafuckingoula that the computer is pretty much necessary to my life.

With that being said... have spent less and less time working on anything of substance because I can only throw short snatches of time together to do anything without being made to feel, well, like total shit about it. (I even stopped going to the gym for 2 solid months so I never had to be away from the kids. guess what? No parade...)

The writing has suffered. I have suffered.  

The suffering ends now. Damnit. I WILL finish. I will mark this off my list. It will be something I'm proud of, but I have to stop accepting convenient excuses to put it off.

And how, pray tell, will I accomplish this lofty goal? Besides tell all of you so you can stay on my ass out it, I am actually going to query a few agent. AAKK!!!!! Yep, you read that correctly. I read about a couple of agents that are looking for new blood and thought, "What. The. Hell. Why not?"

Now, I fully intend for those of these nice ladies to read my query letter and first 5-10 pages and basically tell me, "It was nice, but it's me not you." I mean, no one gets a stroke of luck on their first shot. Would it be awesome? Hell yeah, but not exactly practical. that being said I'm sure I will thrown an enormous pity party complete with streamers, confetti, and hats while eating Ben and Jerry's Birthday Cake Ice cream straight out of the carton. Knowing something doesn't make it easier, folks, you know this. Don't judge!

So, that's the big announcement...

I will finish at least a first draft by Christmas AND I will send out 2 query letters so I can get the first of what I'm told will be a string of rejections out of the way.

Wish me luck!!!

Weekly Wrap Up

There are so many things that happen in the course of a week. Good-Bad-Indifferent-Crazy-And each of them vying to overtake me and control the week as a whole. Most of the time I can keep a pretty solid balance, but I'm afraid I was not as successful this week. Looking over the past week there are some clear winners in the grand struggle for dominance in my life.

Coming into first place is: emotional eating. (Sometimes the physical discomfort associated is at least something to either distract from feelings OR something to feel out of the numbness. My job won't start until October, which certainly doesn't help my pocketbook. I did apply for a few other positions; although it was a bit hard to not think that there is no real point to apply because I probably won't get them anyway. *sigh* Just imagine me not on meds. )

A close second: Listlessness. (I have not written a single word in a week. That's right, a whole week. I'm so 'shamed, but I just have not been able to think or concentrate on anything long enough to accomplish much of anything. Hell, I haven't even to the gym but once because I just couldn't figure out how to get there with the kids not taking naps and Kalan with us. And Lawd, Lawd, did T and Kalan fight and argue.)

Ah, but we just can't forget guilt. (T is not registered for school. I'm not doing very well in the class I've been helping my Pop with. I really, really want to run away sometimes and depending on the day, most of the time I want to go alone. My kids are hyper and crazy and make mj nuts, so I don't feel I can go anywhere or do anything if it doesn't involve my children.)


At the very bottom of the list is a very slight spark of hope. Just because it got a bit buried this past week doesn't mean it won't reemerge this week. After all, tomorrow is another day.

Hope Springs Eternal

So, all of you, faithful few, know that I follow Ms. Single Mom's blog. It's enlightening, relaxing, entertaining, and inspiring. Today she posted about a conversation she had with another Single Mom Friend (SMF) about Elizabeth Gilbert's new book Committed. (For those who do not know Ms. Gilbert's story pick up a copy of Eat, Pray, Love and read it. I've read it pre and post divorce.)
Although both women are in lovely relationships the idea of marriage still makes them a bit shaky and doe-eyed.

She posed the question to all of her followers, wonering what WE all think of the marriage question. Would we want to? What are the expectations you would take into a second marriage?

I actually thought about it. And I decided that I would throw my two cents into the fray and below is what I came up with...

Although it's taken a year of avoiding anything to do with "the M word", but I think I would like to get married again one day. However, I have several thoughts on the subject.

First and foremost, I would never marry so my children could have a father. I would never marry because as a teacher I will always struggle to make ends meet. I would never marry because "seems like the right thing to do". I would never marry someone I absolutly could not live without; instead I would marry someone I would want to live without and would stand beside the 3 of us as one of us and not an addition.

The last time around I searched to find love, support, acceptance, excitement, and a multitude of other things I thought would complete me; however, instead of looking for it in someone else, I have found all of it myself. This time I want not someone to complete me, but someone to compliment me-a warm breeze that makes me smile, not one who fills my sails.

Not too shabby, huh? 

All of that being said, the question on the wind is, "Will that someone ever pop up?" Idon'tknow. I am not on the hunt. I am not searching. I am enjoying the new experience of freedom and being. Just being. No expectations save my own. No true need to search for love outside of my own mirror and the faces of my children and there it is not a search-it is a fact.

Ahhh, but being the helpless romantic that I truely am-Damn, Victorian literature-I think of a time when I will again have someone's should on which to rest my head or someone's arms around me as a sleep. There's a part of my soul that craves it; that begs me to find it, but I think I'll let The Universe take care of that. After all, I gotta take care of Thing1 and Thing2. Oh, and me too! 

Women, Food, and God - The End / The Final Review

I'm not usually one to ramble on about God and spirituality. I believe in God and I am spiritual in my own way. I'm a pretty good Catholic girl; however, I don't feel the need to inform the world. I'm perfectly happy be-bopping my own marry way and letting everyone else be-bop theirs. My guess this comes from my years as a public high school teacher, you know the whole separation of Church and state thing-I'm very "Don't ask- Don't tell" when it comes to God.

Anyhoo, that being said, I picked up Women, Food, and God with some degree of trepidation, even though one of my most trusted sources in the world told me to pick it up.  Let me tell you, my faithful few, it rocked my freaking world! Seriously. Maybe you have read my previous posts about this book, but now that I'm finished with it, I think I may read it again and give it out as gifts until everyone I know has this book!

It has completely changed my idea of eating and food in general. I'm not saying that my brain is now perfectly clear and rainbows are as far as I can see, but I am telling you that I'm aware of shit now that I knew, but didn't realize effected me. And I also didn't know that anyone else felt the same way about themselves that I fet about myself. Woe Buddy!!

You see, this book doesn't tell you what to eat or how to eat; it makes you think about "Why" you are eating. Are you eating because you are hungry or because you are sad/angry/frustrated/overwhelmed/etc? Do you know? Can you tell the difference? I coudn't. At least I know after I do it now  I realize what I have done.

For example, at lunch, I stuffed food down my face quickly so I could get my kids situated with thier meals, drinks, napkins, and headed off to nap-time; I didn't realize until afterwards that I have no idea what I ate or even what it tasted like. I am only vaugly aware of the after-taste of mustard.) Why could I not have made the meal more pleasureable to all of us? Why did I have to be SO in control for the surroundings and trapping of "meal" that I was unaware of mine. Then, as all moms do, I found myself picking off of the kid's plates as I cleaned up...Hello!! Not hungry, McCarty! Why are you putting food in your mouth?!!!  Sease and disist!!! Unhand those fries!!!

These are the kind of things that are discussed in the book. Begining the moment instead of off somewhere else, hiding from something "unpleasant". I hide from unpleasant all the time, but I realized recently that I miss out on a whole lot of pleasant when I do that. Now I have a guide out of my hidey hole and into the world.

Although I said above the book doesn't tell you what or how to eat, it does give you 7 Guidelines and they are both simple common sense and incredibly difficult-all at the same time.

1. Eat when hungry. (What if you can't recongnize hungery from boredom or saddness or fear?)
2. Eat in a clam environment. (Piff, Dude, I have kids! What calm environment?)
3. Eat without distractions. (See Guideline 2)
4. Eat what your body wants. (It sounds great, but...dangerous)
5. Eat until you are satisfied. (See guideline 1)
6. Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others. (See below!)
7. Eat with enjoyment. (Problem! I have never felt anything but guilt and disgust when I eat.)

Ok, Number 6 knocked the wind out of my body. I swear I didn't realize other people were as fucked up as I am. As far back as I can remember I have hated eating in front of people because I always "felt" their thoughts and judgments..."She SO shouldn't be eating that! Put down the food, big girl! A salad, yeah right! So, NOW we all know how you got that way!" (The book calls that The Voice. It sucks and I now know I can tell it to "fuck off". Yippy!)  I think I've eaten in a restraunt alone once and I took a book with me because I just HAD to block out the idea that people were watching me eat. The idea that I must be prepared to always eat in front of someone and never sneak a quick snack while no one is looking is terrifying. It breaks everything I have ever thought about eating down to the very core. Honestly, I'm scared.

But I also want to stop hiding. I want to feel every single emotion, even if it is unpleasant or unseeminly or messy. I want to know that I did truely "live deliberately... live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die Discover that I had not lived.” (Thoreau).