The Great Job Hunt Comes To An End

Holy shit, you guys, I got a job!

Hallelujah!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you freaking believe it? It's only taken a fucking year and a half to get hired by a school, but once more I will have a classroom, a consistent paycheck, and insurance. I am SOOOO amazingly relieved.

Can I get a "Hell Yeah"?

Can I get an "Amen"?

Oh, I finally feel I will be able to take care of my babies and work towards total independence. Plus, I have to say that I enjoyed hearing that I was the gift "God" provided to them since all of my teaching experience was in 10th grade. (Especially since I actually applied for the position before now and wasn't hired for it and now it is MINE).

Can I get another big AMEN, my peoples?

AMEN!!

Handmade Christmas

Well, I haven't kept all of you guys up to date on my employment woes because, truthfully, it's so amazingly depressing to think about I totally pull a Scarlet O'Hara most days; however, the other day I was shoved into reality. I was laid off of my Phoenix gig.  *sigh*

It's true. Just like last year around this time, I am not needed until after the first of the year due to low enrollment. I'm doing a bit of extra training so I won't forget what to do (umm, like I did last year) between now and then, but I'm totally NOT getting paid for it. *sigh*

My response? Dispondant and Depressed. Pop's response? Ok, don't worry about it. LC's response? Cool, now you can concentrate on getting a real job up here. (My response to that one, "I have been, but I have no work experience except teaching."  :P )

Well, I decided after both of those conversations that perhaps I should branch out farther and "spin" my education experience so it fits other areas. I actually applied to 3 non teaching jobs this past week. Check me out!! Starting Monday I will begin calling those various places because, by God, I want a job!

ANYWAY, even before this recent development, I had decided to call upon my creative talents for Christmas. Why? Well, I'm a single mom with 2 two part time jobs, guys;I have no money.

I researched various way to have a frugal, homemade Christmas for a week or so before I ran across things I could really do without totally stressing myself out-or leaving my comfort zone. (Two things I SO don't need to do right now.) Hell, I even found a few things I think I'll make and wrap up for myself.

For more information check out the Christmas Planning link on the right side of the page for more information and links to projects and pages to inspire you. I'll be updating it as I go, so check back to watch my progress or affer suggestions.

Maybe I'll even have my own tutorials...Woooooo. Humm, perhaps I shouldn't get ahead of myself.

Smiles All Around

So, for those that do not follow me on facebook, which means for those who aren't in my immediate family,  I and having the BEST time begin back in the classroom, even if it is only on a part time basis. I swear that it gets  more fun with each class.

But first a bit of back story...the class I'm teaching at the local Community College (MSGCC-JC to be exact) is a short term Comp I & Comp II class. In essence, they will get a year's worth of English in one semester. Tough, but great to get things out of the way. Anyway, the "normal" teacher is out with back surgery. She has been the ONLY person to ever teach these two particular class. EVER!

A majority of the students were expecting her, only to see my smiling face the first day. Needless to say, those expecting her had reservations until about half way through the first class.

That begin said, last night I was told the coolest thing EVER and had to share...I had a student, a returning non-traditional student who had talked to and expected the "other" lady to be exact, told me on her way out of the class that she and another student were discussing me during one of the class breaks. (It's a 5 hour class, we take lots of breaks.) She told me that they were both really glad that I was their teacher and couldn't imagine the other teacher being anywhere as supportive and fun as I am.

Now I tried to be modest and replied, "Well I hope you both still feel that way in December," but inwardly, my faithful few, I was preening like a peacock.

Damn, it's hard to be humble sometimes.

Let's just hope comments like that make their way around campus and land me a permanent position. Fingers cross people. Fingers crossed!!!

Oh I KNOW he didn't!

Let me just tell you, my ever loyal FF (faithful few), that I am about as pissed off as I can possible get about right now. In fact, I had to wait an extra hour after finding my "topic" today just so this post would be more than an example of Gangsta Rap-curse words with a bit of non curse words thrown in to almost make a complete thought. OH. MY. GOOD. GRACIOUS. BUT. I. AM. MAD!!!!

You see, I am a teacher. I've taught CCD (Catholic equivalent of Sunday school), high schoolers, adults, and my own children. I have tried to be anything other than a teacher, but have found that I am a teacher.

Why?

Well I have always seen teaching as my personal calling. (I know I usually don't get all "churchy" and choose to keep most of my religious views to myself due to growing up the lone Catholic among Baptists who thought all Catholics were going to Hell because we worship statues and aren't Christian, so hold on cause I mean business!!) No matter what I have ever tried to do in my life I have come back to teacher because I KNOW beyond a shadow that no matter how frustrated I get my frustration lies with "man" and not with the teaching itself.

Ya see, when you are truly called do DO or BE something, you will never find complete fulfillment until you answer that call. Translation, I can do any job I want, but will never find contentment in my soul until I teach.

Don't believe me? Read this...

1 Corinthians 12:28
And in the church God has appointed first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then workers of miracles, also those having gifts of healing, those able to help others, those with gifts of administration, and those speaking in different kinds of tongues. 


See? I told you!

So, now I will get to why I'm angry...
"You should have chosen a different career field."

Are you freaking kidding me?????????????????????????????????????????????????????  Seriously! Are you an idiot on purpose or does that shit just come naturally? What a schmo!!

What happened to teaching being an honorable profession that was respected?

I think it started with all of that "Those who can't...Teach" bullshit! I mean WTF people. If I could sucked at what I do then I damn sure couldn't teach it. For example, I suck at math; therefore I do not teach math. However, I am a good writer; therefore I teach writing. See what I mean?!  I do not know who concocted that little jewel of propaganda, but I'd sure like to whoop his/her ass!

I mean, damn, we are begged to become teachers and then allowed to drown in a pit of overwhelming frustration by barley being able to support ourselves (or our families) and pay our students loans and deal with parents who think we are against their children and deal with students who think we are against them and appease administrators who have no idea what we do but are under so much pressure to make numbers that they can't help but make our lives miserable. Did I mention that we are begged to become teachers by the very government that has created all of these stupid-assed state tests that absolutely have no way of assessing  what a student actually knows. How do I know that? BECAUSE I FUCKING WENT TO SCHOOL FOR 5 YEARS AND GOT A MASTER'S DEGREE IN EDUCATION THAT TELLS ME HOW TO ASSESS STUDENTS COMPREHENSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! An over-lengthy multiple choice test that lasts between 2 to 4 hours was NOT mentioned in any class I ever had as something positive. Translation: It's a stupid idea that only hurts our students...but I think I'll stop now and give this rant it's own personal post later.

Anyway, I digress so, back to my original topic...It seems that Mr. Taylor has just outlived his usefulness as a public servant. I never minded that he was a Catholic school alum. I never minded that his children all attended Catholic school. However, when MY career and MY calling (as well as that of so many others) is dismissed so completely and so thoughtlessly, I can now see that he has become part of the problem instead part of the solution.

Now, do I know how schools should be funded so teachers can finally receive the paychecks they deserve? Nope. Why? I didn't go to school to figure that out. I went to school to hone my skills as a teacher so I could spread the love of language. Why? Because I love to read and I love to write so I decided to combine my love of those things with my passion and calling for teaching and....Voila!! English teacher!

So, now I am told that I'm at fault for being poorly paid. That I should have chosen better? That I should have ignored my true calling from God and committed my life to another  occupation that would fill my pocketbook, but not my soul? That since I did, in fact, choose to be a teacher I should shut up and deal because "I should have known better"?

Well, guess what, Mr. Taylor? While I knew I would never be rich, I did think that I could support myself and while I never thought I would ever be a single mom of two that needed to live with her parents because it is all but impossible to survive. But I guess THAT'S my fault too.

I know one thing that I will happily take credit for...helping vote you out of office. Maybe they will let you teach at your Alma mater when you come back home.

Gene Taylor, a Representative that my family has voted into office for years and years and years (until now), was asked a question about why teachers were the second lowest paid college degree, but one of the most important. His reply was....

Begining at the Begining Again

Operation Self-Esteem--Day Fucking One.
(Elizabeth Gilbert)

Yep, I think I have finally hit the self-analysis wall. Actually, I slammed into it head first, rubbed up against it like a cat, and just- kept- beating- my- head- against- the- stupid- ass- fucking- wall! So, now hopefully all of that is out of my system for a minute and perhaps, it is time to back off and take stock of life as it stands.

I have a job. It may not start until October, but at least I know that I have one. And that interview really boosted my confidence so I'm willing to look into other options that start before October.

I'm not yet the size I want to be and I didn't meet the goal I set in January; HOWEVER, I am numerous inches smaller in most of the areas I wanted to shrink. I'm also pretty proud of the hourglass figure I've achieved and most of the time I feel very Marilyn.

I may not have completed the C25K, but I've decided to start again since I'm in better shape this time than last time I tried. The treadmill is cleaned off for use (since it's too bleeding hot to do it outside) and I even have an app for that on my phone.

My kids aren't the best behaved in the world, but they are cute, polite, listen relatively well, and will be going back to school soon. Did I mention they are cute? Plus they are gong to be way smarter than me so I totally may need to go back to school just so I can keep up.

I might still be living at home, but when Pop graduates from USM (finally) they are going on some trips so I get a bit of a break. Plus, I never have to pay a babysitter when I go to the gym.

I've decided to eliminate all toxic people from my life as much as possible, and if it isn't possible I can at least limit my exposure and how I allow them to effect me and my life.  First and foremost being my ex-husband because he is officially a guest of the state way up in North Mississippi for the next 15 years. I know it sounds strange, but until everything was final I just had this nagging feeling that he could show up at my door. Now, rationally, I know he had no way to do that, but his bail had been lowered and I just couldn't feel totally safe. Not really. Living with my pop has given me the most solace because he would never be dumb enough to face my Dad after what he did; however, I'm sure he's really pissed at me and bound to get even more pissed. (But that's for a later post)

DB told me last night that I need to talk less, do more. Actually that is a paraphrase, but that was the basic thought. She's right, of course, and not just because she is a physiologist and isnt' her job to be right, but because she's known me forever and knows I need to just get out and DO. Do what? Doesn't matter as long as I just get out and do something! I am gong to start a list of things I really want to do in the next year and hopefully I can get them all checked off by the time my year is up.

Most of all I'm going to give myself a break; I just think it is time. Each day, no matter how hard it gets, I'm going to pay myself on the shoulder and congratulate myself on what I have done up to this point. Yep, actually give myself credit for not crawling into the hole I really REALLY wanted to crawl into last year and floating through life letting everyone else take care of me. Good job, Me!

Sick and Tired

I am So freaking sick and fucking tired of filling out applications. Seriously. I'm over it. I am in a constant state of applying for jobs, crossing my fingers, getting rejections letters, and applying for something else.  I'm just sick to death of this shit.

When I became a teacher it was under the understanding that teachers were always needed. Umm, lie! At this point I probably couldn't get a job in the Delta right now. I feel like a pariah or something on the coast and I'm not seeing anything further up. Grr!!!!

And just for the record, filling out teacher applications is different from any other, run-of-the-mill application. You have to basically write down everything in the whole world, or maybe it just seems like a lot since I've worked in so many different fucking schools. (Thanks asshole.)

Maybe I'll take a break from the search, even if it does make me feel like a complete loser to sit at my parents home with my kids and my little part time job. I have totally given up writing in the search for a job of some kind, so maybe I should give up the search and go back to writing.

I know I should be patient, but I really feel like my life is on hold-shelved until further notice with no real way out. This that I have now is a partial life because while I live here I feel like and am treated like a teenager (at least my mom does, my Dad realizes I am an adult and the two moneys in the back are my kids.). I mean, I am constantly surrounded without a moment of alone and quiet. I don't feel like I am able to go anywhere or do anything-with or without the kids. I write and there's either a head hanging over me, reading, or a burning look which accuses me other terrible things. Sigh...

I just want to feel like my life is my own. Like my kids and I can get back to our little groove in the world. We had a good thing going in Hattiesburg, but now the idea of the Burg doesn't feel like home anymore. Trouble is I don't know what WILL feel like home. The Coast isn't home. The Burg isn't home. What IS home? I guess I can make anything home that I want to be home, but I'm not quite sure where that will be. Perhaps home is where I will find a job, but what if I don't find a job?! What if I'm stuck here another year?!

Another year of doing nothing, going nowhere, feeling stuck, feeling squished, and wishing my life would start again.