Monday

I just wanted to let you guys know that I will be taking a little time off of the blog. You see, my faithful few, the 50,000 words in 50 days starts tomorrow and I'm just not sure if I will have enough time or words left at the end of the day to throw together a blog. I'll try to give updates as I go on my progress or any cool and exciting happenings.

Today will be filled in an attempt to feel up to starting tomorrow...(sore throat and sore ears). 

Wish me luck!!!

Hope Springs Eternal

So, all of you, faithful few, know that I follow Ms. Single Mom's blog. It's enlightening, relaxing, entertaining, and inspiring. Today she posted about a conversation she had with another Single Mom Friend (SMF) about Elizabeth Gilbert's new book Committed. (For those who do not know Ms. Gilbert's story pick up a copy of Eat, Pray, Love and read it. I've read it pre and post divorce.)
Although both women are in lovely relationships the idea of marriage still makes them a bit shaky and doe-eyed.

She posed the question to all of her followers, wonering what WE all think of the marriage question. Would we want to? What are the expectations you would take into a second marriage?

I actually thought about it. And I decided that I would throw my two cents into the fray and below is what I came up with...

Although it's taken a year of avoiding anything to do with "the M word", but I think I would like to get married again one day. However, I have several thoughts on the subject.

First and foremost, I would never marry so my children could have a father. I would never marry because as a teacher I will always struggle to make ends meet. I would never marry because "seems like the right thing to do". I would never marry someone I absolutly could not live without; instead I would marry someone I would want to live without and would stand beside the 3 of us as one of us and not an addition.

The last time around I searched to find love, support, acceptance, excitement, and a multitude of other things I thought would complete me; however, instead of looking for it in someone else, I have found all of it myself. This time I want not someone to complete me, but someone to compliment me-a warm breeze that makes me smile, not one who fills my sails.

Not too shabby, huh? 

All of that being said, the question on the wind is, "Will that someone ever pop up?" Idon'tknow. I am not on the hunt. I am not searching. I am enjoying the new experience of freedom and being. Just being. No expectations save my own. No true need to search for love outside of my own mirror and the faces of my children and there it is not a search-it is a fact.

Ahhh, but being the helpless romantic that I truely am-Damn, Victorian literature-I think of a time when I will again have someone's should on which to rest my head or someone's arms around me as a sleep. There's a part of my soul that craves it; that begs me to find it, but I think I'll let The Universe take care of that. After all, I gotta take care of Thing1 and Thing2. Oh, and me too! 

Discovery of the Obvious

Today I had a job interview. This will be the sixth one I've had in the past year when it became obvious that needing a job was more than a necessity. Now, I've only gotten ONE of those jobs- my gig at Pearl River- but I had to leave it to move back to Goula because living on a part time teacher salary is harder than living on a full time teacher salary. Go figure, right?!

Anyway. I was super nervous because I would have to teach a 15 minute lesson in front of 5 teachers/administrators. now this may not sound like a big deal since I once taught 2 hour high school classes, but I've been out of the classroom for a while and had actually been thinking about leaving it permanently. To strike out in the world of jobs that pay more than peanuts so I can raise my babies without sweating about my sad, little, peanut paycheck.

However, I discovered today that I can't leave.

Like a moth inexplicable drawn to the flame they undoubtedly know will end them, so I am drawn to the classroom. As soon as I opened my mouth today, I fell into "teacher" mode and every bundle of nerves and butterfly vanished and I felt totally at home. I smiled, laughed, cajoled, talked, joked, and had a great time. In fact, I was almost sad when my 15 minutes were up. I had literally forgotten how much I really love teaching. (In truth the state test sucked a majority of my love out and I had to rebuild it. I didn't love it last summer.) But most importantly I had forgotten how damn good I am at it. In seconds all 5 adults were entertained and interested in what I was saying-not just because it was their job to evaluate me. It took less than 5 minutes after my presentation for them to discuss the fact that they loved me and thought I'd "be a perfect fit".

That's right, faithful few, they loved me! They want me. Now they have to see if they can give me full time or the half an hour drive to Mobile 3 days a week may not exactly worth it. Ahhh, the rub!

If nothing else it helped me remember that I really am a freaking, outdamnstanding teacher and I do want to be back into the classroom. Even if I don't go to work there, at least I know that teaching is still my passion and my calling. Score 1 for Team Jamie.

Tomorrow

I'm completely freaking out about tomorrow. What is tomorrow, you ask? Tomorrow is an interview at Remington College. An interview where I have to teach a 15 minute lesson. I'm not sure what makes me more nervous, the interview itself or teaching in front of random people that already know what I'm teaching. Yep, I have to teach a bunch or teacher and administrators about run on sentences. Really?

Maybe I should up my dosage of lexapro for tomorrow so I don't throw up.

Ok, faithful few, please pray that I do well and get this job!!! I NEEEEEED this job! Man, I sure hope they don't smell despiration on me....

Shit Stirrin'

Anyway, every family, group of friends, group of coworkers, or group you can think of has at least one "Shit Stirrer;" it's like a rule.   However, depending on the group (or family) there may be more than one.

These are the people that love to "accidentally" piss at least one person off and then suddenly disappear. They delight in causing strife and hurting feelings wherever they go.  If you look around your group and aren't sure who the "shit stirrer" is, guess what, it's you.

So, to all the shit stirrers in the world I leave you with this thought...

My Sweet Mama always said, "If you stir up shit, you will always end up with shit up on ya!"

(And I'll be damned if that isn't the Gospel truth-much like all of her random advice, but that's another post.)

No Apologies!

Even though at least once a day I hear "Gibbs's Rule Number 1," I find myself constantly apologizing for, well, everything. I decided that there were a number of things for which I was just absolutely not going to fucking apologize any longer. And not because Gibbs told me each day it was weak, but because I shouldn't have to apologize and I'm just not gonna any more.

So, just to preface this list of things the world will just have to get over, I will tell you all the story of why I feel the need to stop apologizing....I have a job interview July8th at 2 PM. While normally I would pull out a cute, teachery top and flowy (AKA fat girl) slacks, I find myself facing 2 big problems:
1. My flowy, fat-girl pants are too big. (Totally NOT complaining here guys, just staying facts.)
2. I'm do not think my normal, cutesy, English teachery tops will cut it because I'm not interviewing at a school, but a business college. Granted, I will be teaching English, but this a trade school of sorts and it would be appropriate to be a bit more businessy in my attire until I figure out the lay of the land, as it were. Or at least get the job.

Anyway, I stopped into my favorite store, Cato's, for a quick look around. They have the exact same things for regular AND plus sizes, which is nice and unusual. And I'm able to shop for outfits because my top have is a regular size and my bottom half is a plus. (I just love being 2 sizes smaller on top, really. I do. sigh)Regardless...because it is summer there weren't any suits or things of that nature (not that I can actually wear a suit being two different sizes, but you understand.) so I'm combing for jackets and slacks in separates. I find a kick-ass jacket that I SOOOO want, however, I do not think it is interview material-at all. It's a short, bracelet-length number that is black and white zebra print with a bright pink belt. OMG! I am SO in love. However, once again...maybe not so much for an interview. Would I teach in it? Damn right, I would! Would I get hired in it? Umm, probably not! Moving on...Sweeping the whole store, I found one jacket I thought would be cute for an interview. Cropped, short sleeve, fitted waist, 2 button-Stacy and Clinton would be SOOO proud!! I put in on and, y'all, it looked like it was made for me. It fit perfect. It was a smaller size than normal. And, wait for it, it was totally on uber-clearance. Done!! It's MINE!

So, I bought the jacket and finished up my running around with a trip to the gym. Yeah me for being dedicated! It wasn't until I looked at it while on my way home that the lump of dread settled into my tummy. What did I just do? Why did I buy this? I can't wear this! I have to take this back. I SO cannot wear this in an interview. It's, it's, it's too Jamie.
(To let you guys know, it is black with white polka dots. The dots make a large, abstracty, swirl pattern and are graduated in size. I'll post a pic soon-promise.)

Anyway, when I showed my parents my purchase they both liked it and (to their credit) looked at me all-crazy when I asked it is was soo much, just too Jamie, for a businessy interview. Now it didn't help when my mom wanted me to wear a black top under it and black pants...ummm, not interviewing to be a mortician. Promise. But The Voice (See posts on Women, Food and God) kept pick-pick-picking at me until I really almost took the bleeding thing back. Instead I tried it on, felt the way it fit my body, saw the way the shape of it enhanced my waist and camouflaged my "mommy belly", and told The Voice to immediately and under no uncertain terms "Fuck Off"!!! The jacket looks good. When that Voice isn't nagging at the back of my head telling me it's too much-or perhaps I'm too much and should tone ME down-it makes me feel confident. If my jacket, which is the only suit jacket I have EVER put on that actually fits me, contains too much personality for me to work there; then, you know what? I have too much personality to work there.

I will not apologize again for being who I am OR:

• for liking bright colors around me and, yes, in my clothing.
• for liking patterns for all kinds
• for wanting things that are pretty
• for liking things hat are different. (Different is not bad...it's just not status quo.)
• for not wanting to blend into the background anymore like the wallflower I've always been
• for not being what other perceive me to be
• for not being what a traditional mommy should be (I keep being told that I'm not so whatever.)
• for wanting things that are just out of my reach just so I have a goal to focus on
• for needing a bit of peaceful time alone with myself and my thoughts during the day. (Yep, there's the nontraditional mom thing rearing it's ugly head. I can't save it all up for bedtime; I actually need snip-its of time at random intervals during the day just to decompress and let end up yelling for no reason. Sue me!)
• for finding it easier to laugh and talk with my kids than "order" them around the house.
• for thinking that teaching them to do something on their own is WAY more important than my need to it do be done MY way. (They will eventually learn to do it better, but it'll take time. )
• for knowing that when I do punish my kids for something that its for their own good, and no, it does not hurt me as much as it hurts them. (It doesn't make me happy, but it doesn't make me sad either. It just makes me hope I don't have to teach that particular lesson too many more times before it clicks and sticks.)
• for not feeling like I'm in my 30s ever and being constantly amazed that I really am 32. (Most of the time I really do forget. )
• for not having the exact body I want and loving it anyway.( Listen, I had 2 kids in 3 years, plus a shitty marriage all of which ended up with weight gain. I have stretch marks, stretched out skin on my tummy, more weight than I want (but less today than I had yesterday), and a plethora of other little things that make my imperfect...But it carried babies and rocked babies; it is strong (I can carry a 4 year old and a 2 year old at the same time..Take THAT Jillian Michaels! You try it!); it does everything I need it to do; and each day I move it it works even better for me.  I can think of one good reason to NOT love it.)
• for wanting to improve my body and spending/saving money to do it. (I am a member of a gym-that takes money. I try to eat healthy and unprocessed-that takes money. I intend, once the money is saved, to have a tummy tuck and breast lift-that takes money. Would all of that money be better spent on my children's education or on any number of things for my children. Yeah, I'm sure I could do that...but I am taking no food out of their mouths, no clothes off their backs, no shelter from their heads, and no toys from their wish list to obtain these things that I want. Why do I want them if I loooove my body so much? Because why would I not want to give my body nice things and make it look nice as it cares for me? I don't think it's selfish, at least no more than buying myself anything else. Besides, I've never once said I was freaking Mother Theresa. )
• for knowing I'm flawed and imperfect, but still deserving of love and kindness.
• for changing my mind about things when they no longer suit me. (Do we really still need to LOVE the same things now that we did as kids? Really? can't we move on a grow?)
• for sometimes holding a grudge when I get my feelings hurt. ( I do not advertise it. I do not talk about it. However, I absolutely do not think it's a terrible thing that I may not like someone that injured me in some way. Here again...Not Buddha. Not Mother Theresa.)

I'm sure I'll think of other things to not apologize about, but one thing is damn sure...I won't apologize for that either.

I'm just going to enjoy the experience of being unequivically, unapologetically, and authentically Jamie. or at least I'm going to enjoy working on it because I'm sure it will take some getting used to. I'll keep you guys updated on my progress....HEY, why don't you all think about what you apologize for in life that you should stop? We can compare notes.

Women, Food, and God - The End / The Final Review

I'm not usually one to ramble on about God and spirituality. I believe in God and I am spiritual in my own way. I'm a pretty good Catholic girl; however, I don't feel the need to inform the world. I'm perfectly happy be-bopping my own marry way and letting everyone else be-bop theirs. My guess this comes from my years as a public high school teacher, you know the whole separation of Church and state thing-I'm very "Don't ask- Don't tell" when it comes to God.

Anyhoo, that being said, I picked up Women, Food, and God with some degree of trepidation, even though one of my most trusted sources in the world told me to pick it up.  Let me tell you, my faithful few, it rocked my freaking world! Seriously. Maybe you have read my previous posts about this book, but now that I'm finished with it, I think I may read it again and give it out as gifts until everyone I know has this book!

It has completely changed my idea of eating and food in general. I'm not saying that my brain is now perfectly clear and rainbows are as far as I can see, but I am telling you that I'm aware of shit now that I knew, but didn't realize effected me. And I also didn't know that anyone else felt the same way about themselves that I fet about myself. Woe Buddy!!

You see, this book doesn't tell you what to eat or how to eat; it makes you think about "Why" you are eating. Are you eating because you are hungry or because you are sad/angry/frustrated/overwhelmed/etc? Do you know? Can you tell the difference? I coudn't. At least I know after I do it now  I realize what I have done.

For example, at lunch, I stuffed food down my face quickly so I could get my kids situated with thier meals, drinks, napkins, and headed off to nap-time; I didn't realize until afterwards that I have no idea what I ate or even what it tasted like. I am only vaugly aware of the after-taste of mustard.) Why could I not have made the meal more pleasureable to all of us? Why did I have to be SO in control for the surroundings and trapping of "meal" that I was unaware of mine. Then, as all moms do, I found myself picking off of the kid's plates as I cleaned up...Hello!! Not hungry, McCarty! Why are you putting food in your mouth?!!!  Sease and disist!!! Unhand those fries!!!

These are the kind of things that are discussed in the book. Begining the moment instead of off somewhere else, hiding from something "unpleasant". I hide from unpleasant all the time, but I realized recently that I miss out on a whole lot of pleasant when I do that. Now I have a guide out of my hidey hole and into the world.

Although I said above the book doesn't tell you what or how to eat, it does give you 7 Guidelines and they are both simple common sense and incredibly difficult-all at the same time.

1. Eat when hungry. (What if you can't recongnize hungery from boredom or saddness or fear?)
2. Eat in a clam environment. (Piff, Dude, I have kids! What calm environment?)
3. Eat without distractions. (See Guideline 2)
4. Eat what your body wants. (It sounds great, but...dangerous)
5. Eat until you are satisfied. (See guideline 1)
6. Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others. (See below!)
7. Eat with enjoyment. (Problem! I have never felt anything but guilt and disgust when I eat.)

Ok, Number 6 knocked the wind out of my body. I swear I didn't realize other people were as fucked up as I am. As far back as I can remember I have hated eating in front of people because I always "felt" their thoughts and judgments..."She SO shouldn't be eating that! Put down the food, big girl! A salad, yeah right! So, NOW we all know how you got that way!" (The book calls that The Voice. It sucks and I now know I can tell it to "fuck off". Yippy!)  I think I've eaten in a restraunt alone once and I took a book with me because I just HAD to block out the idea that people were watching me eat. The idea that I must be prepared to always eat in front of someone and never sneak a quick snack while no one is looking is terrifying. It breaks everything I have ever thought about eating down to the very core. Honestly, I'm scared.

But I also want to stop hiding. I want to feel every single emotion, even if it is unpleasant or unseeminly or messy. I want to know that I did truely "live deliberately... live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die Discover that I had not lived.” (Thoreau).