W, F, and G - Part 3

This book is kicking my butt! Seriously. For years I have felt these nameless feelings and never knew how to communicate them-how to give them a name. This thing has hit the proverbial nail on the head.

"Wanting what I wanted was not allowed. I needed to sacrifice, atone, make up for being myself."

"Diets are based on the unspoken fear that you are a madwoman, a food terrorists, lunatic. Eventually you will destroy all that you love and so you need to be stopped. The promise of a diet is not only that you will have a different body; it is that in having a different body, you will have a different life. If you hate yourself enough, you will love yourself. If you torture yourself enough, you will become a peaceful, relaxed person."

Luckily, it didn't hurt for long. It was just a little prick and then...calm. Actual calm.

I closed my eyes last night and drifted to sleep without a single ounce of stress or "Ican'tturnmybrainoff" tossing and turning. It was freaking great.

Who knew I could ever stop feeling bad and ashamed for being me...

I think it might just be possible. God, I hope so cause I'm pretty tired of it.

Taking Responsibility

It's been a year now. A year since my marriage ended and time that I identify and take responsibility for my role in what was a "pretty on the outside and ugly on the inside" marriage.

Don't get me wrong, I certainly don't think I caused this, but I do not think I necessarily helped either. You see I had a list. Yep, a list of things that would make a good boyfriend/husband. I thought I had hit some sort of weird jackpot because he met every requirement on that list; in addition to that, he met lists that weren't on the list also. I used my head...checked off my list and pushed in my chips. Done.

What I didn't do was hand over the keys to me. I held back a small piece of myself that, truthfully, I've hidden from everyone. hell, I'd almost forgotten it was there until recently.  So, while I was throwing every once of attention, support, and loyalty into my marriage I ultimately left out two major things...love and trust. Why? Well, suffice it to say, I never really intended anyone to get them. They are messy and more likely than not, will end up exploding in your face. I thought I was safer to keep part of myself back. (Gee, no wonder I was so ecstatically happy all the time.) No shit, I thought him loving me as much as he did would be enough to carry me through life. I didn't believe in fairy tales...they just didn't happen to girls like me.

Strangely enough, as most chicks in my situation, the divorced-single Mom favor, as anti-fairy tale- No longer believing in love or anything resembling it. Me? I finally do.

Isn't that both fucked up and hilarious?!

Just when I should be raging against love, I finally think I'd like to try it. Why? I feel like I was saved from my life because something better was planned for me. I guess I prayed hard enough to God, The Universe, and every other Deity in the world that they collectively decided to give me what I least expected...happiness.

Now, I have found this happiness and love? Nope. Will I find this happiness and love? Truthfully, I don't know. I think I will, but I now know that nothing is certain in life. However, I think the greatest gift I've been given is the  realization that I short-changed myself and my ex-husband, and for that I am sorry. But I have the opportunity to make it up to myself and actually be willing to accept and give love. Will I go searching under every rock until I come find it? Will I create a page long list of requirements that this imaginary man must reach? Nope. I'm good. I did that the last time remember? I have totally learned my lesson.

Love will come to me when it does. When I have made my peace with myself, with my life, with those around me, with The Universe. How do I know this?

Because I deserve it AND because I now believe in fairy tales.

And I'm proud to say that that is the first time I have EVER been able to say that in my entire life.

W, F, and G - Part 2

Holy crap!

Just when I thought it'd be OK and I'd get through the rest of the book with out a hitch...WRONG!

I feel like a silly emo kid reading The Bell Jar or Catcher in the Rye for the first time because I want to break out my pencil and underline passages and make notes in the margines.

"Dieting was like praying. It was a plainative cry to whomever was listening: I know i am fat. I know I am ugly. I know I am undiscliplined, but see how hard I try. See how violently I restrict myself, deprive myself, punish myself. Surely there must be a reward for those who know how horrible they are. "

And that was the passage that almost made me throw up...but I continued on...

"And precisely because dieting and binging were the main ways I was expressing my despair, the consequences of not dieting or binging were staggering...like breaking a vow that was never supposed to be broken."

Moving from wanting to throw up to wanting to cry. Progress? Maybe or maybe not, I'll just have to see.

Women, Food, and God - Part 1

I have begun, for a second time, reading a book titled Women, Food, and God.  It was recommended to me by Sharon Ladner (For those that do not know of her, I'm sure there will be a future post on her; She's SUPER FAB!) and I decided I should read it. (Basically, if she told me that reading the phone book every night I would give it a go.)

I was blindsided by the prologue...the freaking prologue, guys, which talks about who needs to read the book. It didn't bode well for me, so I had to put the book down and regroup. Now, I'm back to work on reading it again and I did have to go back over what knocked the air out of me the first time so I could move on...

Page 17, paragraph above the break still gets to me, but I must move past it so I can move past it.

...that being alone means being lonely. If feeling your feelings means being destroyed. If being vulnerable is for sissies or if opening to love is a big mistake...

Even writing this down makes a hard ball form in my tummy-A ball made of fear and regret. Fear because I know I have to deal and I'm not sure how. Regret because I know that's the part of my failed marriage and divorce that was my fault. (I won't be going into that particular story on this post. I think it deserves it's own post.)

I will keep all of you faithful few updated on my progress and anything else that scares me along the way. I'm determined to finish it and to use this blog to mull out the scary bits with all of you...

New Hair

I've been thinking about cutting my hair off. Actually, I've been considering it for a while, but thought my face was too ROUND.

Now I have check bones again-not enough of them for my taste, but enough that I'm way not so round. Anyway, I'm thining of something piecy, funky, cool, cute, and short. WHY? Well, my hair has ZERO texture and it is super thick....do you know what that means? It doesn't do anything. At all. Nothing.  

It's too thick and heavy to hold curl; however, it is too texturally fine to took lusterous when long becuase it constatnly needs to be brushed and starts to look thin. It just hangs limp. Do you KNOW what it takes to make hair as think as mine look thin?

I've taken stock of my last month of hair-dos and realized that I pull it back every single day. Every day!! it hangs in my face and bothers me enough to even wear it up to the store and church. I kept it chin-length and angled becuase my mom told me it woud look better, but I'm just not sure I want to keep it there. I really, really, really think I want it short.

So, here are the pics I'm considering...I'll probably take pieces and parts of different ones and talk with my hair dresser.

So, I'm noticing that they are ALL really similar...Yeah I think next week is the week!

Thought of the Day

The thought manifests as the word. Word manifests as the deed. Deed develops into habit. Habit develops into character.   Buddha

Further Evidence of my Crazy

So my crazy is evident once again. my brain has been stuck in a constant loop of day dreams, even when I can't write them down and I gotta tell ya, my make-believe world is way more interesting than reality.

Just the slightest hint of anything sends my mind off in search of all kinds of "what could be" situations. Maybe this will happen? What if this happens instead? This would be so cool!

Sigh

Then I remember, "Oh yeah, that's not really happening." Oh well. It was nice while it lasted.