sentences

the inevitable happened today-he was sentenced. (actually it was yesterday, but i just got the news today.) anyway, when i first read the newspaper article, i felt nothing. it was just a fact that i read in the paper.

25 years. will serve 15. 5 years probation.

then the knot developed in my stomach. i tried to ignore it because, why should i be upset? everything is finally over. final. finished. done.

but i think it's the feeling that it was all really real. it actually happened. he really did all of this to us. i won't wake up and have it be a really fucked up dream. damn.

maybe when i wake up, i'll feel better...

leaks, drains, and gushes

Most days I easily locate the positivity leak and plug it up before any seeps out. Hell, there are even days where I have no leaks at all and I'm just a ray of fucking sunshine all damn day...

Not today. Today, by the time I realized I was loosing  joy the damn opened and the entire allotment I had been saving up over days of hording each precious drop drained from my body. It didn't even pool at my feet so I could possibly soak so of it back up. Nope, it just disappeared. I really hate days like today.

On these days, I seem to have nothing go right and my mood is already SO subterranean that I engage in bouts of self-flagellation. Why make another day bad. Let's just push all the shit that will make me feel bad all into one lousy fucking day. Does it make me feel better? Well, no, but sometimes feeling pain is better than feeling nothing at all...

disconcerting...

Much to my chagrin Toddlers and Tiaras is back on the air for a new season. Oh, yeah, I'm so excited...really. I tried to watch one episode and I lasted all of 10 minutes before the nausea took over and prompted me to turn the channel before I ruined my Mom's rug.

It was sick and twisted and sad. I didn't even know who I felt the worst for: the children who were fluffed and teased into a beauty box or the parents who suffered abuse from the hands of the very monsters they created.

While I am personally convinced that my children are cuter than almost all children featured on TV or in magazines, there is no way I would subject them to that bullshit.  I mean, the girls, little girls, are made up and dressed like prostitutes and then prance around shaking things they do not have like strippers. Is that really the best thing to teach a little girl?  I think my Cait could win without anything other than chapstick (She always wants some when I apply mine.) And if Caitlin ever wanted to participate and asked me "Please" I would allow her to, but she damn sure wouldn't look like the other slutlettes; she would look like the sweet and beautiful little girl she is.

And has anyone noticed that a majority of the moms are just not all that cute? Can you say over-compensation?  Maybe I don't feel the need to doll Cait up because I think I'm already cute and I also think she's cute...as is. While I am making damn sure she has a solid self image and I love that she looks in the mirror and says, "pretty" she also will know she has great value and worth beyond the fact that she's cute. I also want her to realize she, in no way, must fulfill my personal wishes for her life. So many parents relive out their own lives through their children. Mom doesn't feel beautiful and popular so her daughter must be everything she never was...hummm, well that sounds like it'll work.

I wonder how often that backfires? The dad that MUST have the football star son and gets a poet. The Mom has MUST have the beauty queen and end up with a tomboy. As for me, I just want healthy, well adjusted kids that know their worth and respect differences. However, if T wants to be a cheerleader and Cait wants to be the next Mia Hamm, I'm all about it! Would I prefer a certain life for the kids? Yeah, I have ideas. For example, I'd like for my kids to not be teachers. Why? So, they can make more money for less stress and aggravation, especially since it seems they will be paying off my student loans.
The whole "I never got to...so my child will" attitude is just not so healthy. It focuses way too much on negative things. I mean, even my folks have it a little bit, but even though there's was making sure we always had gifts for birthday and Christmas, it still focused on negative events of their own childhoods. Hell, we would have never noticed if we hadn't had the things we had.

It's just so sad to do that to kids. I mean, I'm finding it easy enough to screw up with my kids and probably scar them for life without pushing all my personal baggage on them.  *sigh* Now, that would be a tragedy!

Things That Piss Me Off

I thought I'd let loose a bit of anger and frustration today...

• I have to color my hair today and I'm only a week when I should have done it. I'm not pissed so much that I haven't done it yet, I'm pissed that I have to do it. I mean, I have my Mom color all my WHITE hair while she gets to dance around in her natural, greyless hair color. Talk about some shit!
• I'm having huge bouts of insomnia again. Grrrrr!
• This whole, spinning wheels, unsure where to go or what I'm going to do is pretty much completely in opposition to how I prefer to live my life. I just need some sort of direction, preferably in the form of a job offer, so I can begin making plans again.
• Why is it that some people are continuously allergic to telling the truth. Seriously!?!
• It really does annoy me that Sweet Mamma was right about a Leopard never changing its spots. I keep trying to believe the best in people, but I'll be damned if they keep letting me down. I guess I'll never learn either; it's just sad that I have to learn that lesson.
• My ex STILL hasn't had any sort of court date to put him anywhere other than county jail, which means I STILL haven't gotten my computer back. So, the fucking thing is now a year old and I only used it for 2 months. Pictures of my children are on it. I want it!
• Now, I just wish my life were a Lifetime movie; it's too boring to be on TV at all now. 
• I'm alone, but surrounded by people. I really hate being lonely. I really hate being surrounded. *sigh* I'm bored.
• My life is on hold and it really, really, really pisses me off.  

ego, er, ergo...

Each day seems to bring me a new query. Is it possible to have SO many questions swirling around ones head without absolutely going crazy?

Ideas? Plans? Questions? Oh MY!

It just doesn't seem like I'm getting anything done. I step forward and four steps back. Applications out...and then I wait. And wait. And wait. Just to be told, "Nah, that's ok." Sigh...

So, I also found a cool sounding MFA program; it's online with the exception of two week long residencies a year (Spring and Fall). It would take 3 years.(Damn, that sounds like a long-ass time!) And it is specifically designed to help students write a novel that would be published at the end of the program. It sounded SO good and like so much fun until 3 little things popped into my brain:

1. It is not possible for me to leave my kids for two weeks a year to gallivant in PA, even if it is for classes.
2. Holy shit, people would have to read my writing and they would find out quickly that I am a total writing impostor.
3. I just am not sure I write well enough to actually do it, let alone survive it. (Maybe it's just because I've been reading Lauren Willig and she's So good and SO smart. My writing feels a little unsophisticated and common next to her writing.)

Even when my family members get excited about my writing I still feel the need to say, "Really? You really like it? Really?" That's probably the area of life that leaves me the most nervous and feel the most vulnerable. I can't figure out why, I mean, it's only the only complete openness-your heart and soul filleted open like catfish, guts and gore hanging out so the entire Universe can count my ribs and see the muck built up inside. But, who knows...(Me, overly dramatic? Nah.)

I believe I am in serious need for an ego boost - sometimes. See, I can't even say definitively that's what I need. Somedays I feel great and others I'm total despair. Ok, so maybe not despair, but kinda low.

It's hard not to think of all the things that have gone "in opposition of my desires" in the past year and wonder exactly what will go my way.

It would be so nice to have a sweet little cottage somewhere. Just me and the babies, hanging out and enjoying our little lives. Nothing huge. Nothing special. Just quiet and unassuming. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I DO want lots of stuff in my quiet and unassuming life, but not right now. I'm good with calm for now...excitement can wait for the future. I think I just want something to happen so I'll stop feeling like I'm running on a hamster wheel-never getting anywhere but wearing my damn fool self out doing it.

I think I need a vacation from reality...Who wants me first?!  

Straight Poop

I am constantly amused by the constant conversations about poop that my son and I have. In fact, we seem to discuss bodily functions a lot. And not just his or mine, but those of dolls (I had no idea until recently that stuffed puppies poop outside when they are big boys.), family members, and other random people that he sees. My son is SO astute that he can accurately pick out those who poop in their underwear and those who poop in the potty-even walking through the mall or WalMart. And he does. Often!

I guess I'm in for a lifetime of boy talk about bodily functions...

Help.

Musings about children...

While reading the random blog posts by my fellow single moms I came across one woman who spoke about a date she had a few months ago. After a great, romantic date, he kissed her and whispered, "You'd be perfect if you didn't have kids." Wha?! WTF?!! Really?  The woman was understandable upset by this declaration, but the guys just didn't understand why she was so angry. Again, WTF??

It's not like he just told her that he wasn't a fan or her wall color or suggested her favorite lipstick wasn't as flattering as she thought it was. He literally just told her that the only flaw she contained were the beings she created, carried in her body for 10 months, nursed, diapered, burped, and rocked to sleep for years. That's like someone telling me they can't be with me because I have crooked fingers and tiny toes-those things are just as much a part of my as my children.

I mean, how do you respond to that, other than a swift bitch-slap across the face?! Is there a single word or utterance that can possibly explain the full range of emotions a comment that insensitive brings? Somehow "Fuck you" just doesn't seem to be enough, but I'm not sure that anything would properly express my feelings.

Now, do not get me wrong, my babies say "please" and "thank you" and can be the sweetest, most loving darlings in the entire known world. However, I refer to my chirens as Thing 1 and Thing 2 for reasons that are not hard for anyone to figure out. After all they are preschoolers that are 22 months apart-the oldest not even 4. While they have heard the words "quiet" and "still", they have no real concept of their meanings. I have told them several times that if they weren't so cute people really would hate them everywhere we go; it's bad enough pretty much everyone who has ever been in a store with us could tell you my children's names. They are really cute though.

I have to admit that THAT exact comment is what scares me about this whole single mom thing. What if the man that is perfect for them just doesn't light my fire. I don't particularly want a replay of the whole "I'm married so my kids have a family" episode, but I really would like for them to have a daddy that isn't mine. I don't think that's too much to ask, but it's a hell of a responsibility to thrust on someone's shoulders.

Is it too much to ask? Is it too much to look for that someone will love those two smaller pieces of me as much as they love me? I think it is, but I also think that I'll run into several road blocks before I find my way.

It's a good think that I like adventures...