Thanks

Night before last last I laid in bed and cried.


Now...before you guys get all up in arms...especially those related to me, you should know know they were happy tears.


I cried because my sweet husband held me in his arms and asked me why I never gave myself any credit for being smart or pretty or wonderful.


He held in in the darkness as he told me how important I was and how much I was worth not only to him, but to our family.


Trust me, I didn't cry even a quarter of what I wanted to; however, I let silent tears roll down my cheeks wishing I could bury my face in the pillow and release all the poison that had been built up in my system for so long-all the negative thoughts, ideas, and comments that rattle inside my brain. Instead I allowed my slow tears and my bursting heart to purge the negativity.


I'm not sure I've really thanked God properly for my husband...but I did that night. I sure did!

The Married Lady

I'm married

...more to come later.

Much loove!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why I Hate Alabama

Now the title may be a  bit inflammatory, but I seriously DO have an intense dislike of Alabama right now. I do apologize to anyone who lives there, was born there, knows someone from there, or generally likes anything in the general direction of that state-several people in that state have earned my ire and therefore the entire state is on notice!

Notice I tell you!!!!!!!!!!!

Lets start at the beginning...This has all happened since December:

1- Marco got his first ever speeding ticket in Alabama coming to visit me.

2- I got MY first ever speeding ticket coming home from my sister's house.

3- We were stopped at a random roadblock on a back road at 10:00 at night and the cop acted like a total ass to Marco. "Son, you been drinking?" Really? Plus shined the flashlight in the car and almost woke up the kids and took his SWEET time in clearing us through. I guess he expected to find a van load of illegals or something. I half expected him to ask for Marco's papers or some shit. Really, dude?  

4- Yesterday we went to get our marriage license in Dothan. Let me tell you guys something, these people have the stupidest working hours known to man! (and that's another story, I guess.) Anyway, The broad behind the counter was obviously not a fan of brown people (or perhaps just her job in general) because she was all about evil-eyeing us the whole time...but it got worse when Marco opened his mouth. You see, I never notice his accent until we are around people who give him "that look" when they hear his accent. So, between the accent and his social security card, which states he is here for work purposes only, she did NOT warm up to the happy couple. I mean, she still looked at him like his paperwork was fake or something. THEN, she notices his Pink Floyd short and says, "What do you know about Pink Floyd anyway or are you just wearing the shirt?" He simply smiled and said, "Well, I certainly know several songs of theirs, but I also liked the shirt."(God, he is so easy going and polite!) I, on the other hand, was FUMING, people! Fuming! Just who in the name of hell did she think she was to say anything like that?! Just when I thought it could get no worse, she decided to be an ignorant bitch about the name on the marriage license. I even explained that in Latin culture the Father's name is used and then the Mother's maiden name is added at the end; however the "last name"is still the Father's name. Nope, "According to the social security card, the first name listed is the first name and the last name listed in the last name. I can capitalize both names, but you will end up with both names when you go change your name." I think she really enjoyed that. Stupid bitch. Even a the bank, which everyone knows is super careful about names, dropped the "mother's name" for him since it tended to cause issues and just generally be super long on checks. She had a nice little half smile/smirk on her face when she said it too. Grr, what a bitch. What she may NOT know it that the last time I changed my name I literally got the option of choosing what name went where as well as what was kept and what was discarded. I guess she thought it was my penance for marrying a foreigner...I'm sure in her head she said Mexican because all brown people are Mexican, right?!  I'm also sure she went home to her rednecky friends and family had they sat around bitching about those damn Mexicans who are "stealing our jobs" and NOW our women. Sigh... Anyway, to top the whole experience with a cherry, they do NOT mail the certified copies; so, to receive a copy of my marriage license and change my name to the super-long-craziness she thinks she has saddled me with, I have to drive BACK to DothanfuckingAlabama to see that fat bitch once again. Oh. Happy. Day.

As an addendum, I will say that not all people in Alabama are like that because we had a wonderful waitress for dinner right after who even replied in Spanish to Tristan when he told her, "Gracias." However, I stand beside my statement, which was made as we left the licensing office, "We will never live in Alabama!" 

Sorry, Bama, you lost five knew potential residents due to the arrogance and the racism of many of your residents.      

Set-Backs

Let me just share my crap day with you all....

I know...I know....for weeks and months even I have been oozing rainbows and glitter, but let me tell you guys I have had a helluva day! And not in the best way possible! 

To start, I had a meeting with a priest today about my annulment. Now, for those who aren't Catholic, an annulment in the Church is NOT like an annulment in the secular world. It in no way makes my children illegitimate of claims I was never married; it simply states that the marriage, for whatever reason, failed due to certain reasons (basically whatever you file) and it must be a darn good reason. You see, Catholics don't mind if you divorce; they mind mind you getting remarried. ANYWAY, I had to meet with the head of the annulment tribunal and my case since I want a very strong, airtight case (yes, they can say, "Umm, no."). Now, I was under the impression that I HAD a strong, airtight case, but obviously I was wrong. 

WTF?!?!?!?!?!

How in the name of all that is holy can I NOT have a strong case?!  It was officially the first time in a very long time where I felt responsible for what happened. I felt like I was under attack. I felt like I I was almost being blamed. Plus, I must say that Father was very unimpressed that I used birth control while married. Ummm...is HE going to pay for all the kiddies? Yeah, I didn't think so. Just saying...

I must also meet with their psychologist to further strengthen my case. Sigh...whatthefuckever....

The big happy for all of that is, while the annulment may not be settled for almost another year, mi amorcito could care less. He also assures me that neither him mom nor his grandmother will even blink over the whole thing. Even MJ commented at lunch today, "Well, that is just stupid, I'm certainly glad you aren't waiting on that whole thing."

Ok, score!!!! 

My next worry.....I am terrified I will not get my dress shortened in time AND that I actually will not be able to fit into it. I mean, I have been worrying myself into a total frenzy all dang day. I cannot wait to try it on when I get back to Florida tomorrow. But I do NOT know what in the name of Heaven I will do if it doesn't fit. Holy shit I think I may throw up.

Actually, I think I will make sure my hair isn't a shitty shade of red and I'm going to bed. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day...

Time of a Change

So, I just realized that I have to change this whole blog thing. Why? Umm, because I'm staring down the barrel of not being a single mom anymore. In fact, since we've been happily tucked away in MAT's house in Florida since schol let out, I'd pretty much say that I'm definitely NOT a single mom anymore.

That and we picked up our wedding rings on Saturday.

Yep, I said it.

Wedding rings...CHECK!



I'll save the story of the rings for another day, but suffice it to say that I learned a whole lot about myself and his regaurd for me during our shopping jaunt. Things I thought I had moved past, but obvioulsy not. Nothing bad, mind you, but certainly things that I should work on within myself-Or more that I should work on within myself, rather. 

Now, if you forgive me, I must change my general description for this sucker.

Long, Wild, Crazy Ride

I realized a few minutes ago that, while today has a special significance for being Father's Day, it also bares a slightly stronger significance for my own life...two years ago today I though my world was completely over.

I thought there was no way I would ever recover from the feeling of betrayal that enveloped me like a large woman crushing me against her chest-hot, suffacating, and wholey unwelcome. 

 I never thought to ever have another Father's Day go by without acutly feeling what I had lost for my children, namely a Father of their very own. Yes, I said what I had lost them.

You see, although I had been miserable for longer than I dare even admit, I felt it was my duty to my children to keep the family together because it was not their fault that I was unhappy. He seems contented enough and the children were happy enough. I accepted that obviously it was just my own problem that I was desperately unhappy and unsatisfied with my lot in life. Why should I shake up my babies' lives for soemthing that was purely me?

After the insident in question, I spent some time contemplating how I was too blame for it. That obviously my dissatisfacion in my marriage caused me to become a sub-par wife and lead him down a path which lead directly to adultery...Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.  

I do, in fact, take respoinsibility for my failings in my first marriage, because I did certianly have some, but I no longer take total responsibility. I have not for some time actually. Thankfully.

However, it does color my current relationship some, as I'm sure MAT's failed relationship with his son's mom colors his time with me. Again, thankfully, it colors it in the best way possible because we have learned to appricate the good things and call out the questionsable things early.

While I have always felt blessed to have such a wonderful Dad, I can now say that my children are equally blessed becuase this man who has inherited the title to Dad takes it very seriously. He is everythig I could want in ta Father for them and loves them completely and eats up each time the call him "Dad" and each time they proudly use a Spanish word.

My world that so easily shattered two years ago, has risen like a Phoenix and it now as it should be...full of love, laughter, and family.

Me Worried?

I finally got the call I've been waiting for. The call that offers me an interview for a job in Florida.

Oh happy day!!!!!!!!!!!

Marco says he is officially taping his fingers crossed for me.

Now because he is desperate for me to have a job or thought I wouldn't get one, but because he knows I am willing and read to work any particular job to help our little (five isn't so little is it?) family and prefers that I get to actually DO what it is that I love and went to school to do. 

What a sweet man.

I can't wait to be in Florida again. I can't wait to sweat in the park while playing with my kids, dance around the kitchen while cooking dinner for my family, and curled up on the couch with the arms of the man I love wrapped around me and my head on his chest. It really IS the perfect way to spend an evening.

My favorite way to spend an evening...Or an afternoon...Or any time in between.

It's time to go home.