Couch to 5K Again...

Here's the thing...I really want to be a runner when I grow up. I've always wanted to be a runner. But unfortunately I never really thought it was possible to become a runner.

Why?

#1 - I was always told I run too long in the same place.

#2 - MJ claims women were not built to run.

#3 - My brain can't stop thinking "Are you fucking kidding me! Big girls don't run!" each time I try.

So, even though I really want to I have this negative talk the revolves around my brain and thunders in my ears each time I get out there. But I think I have found the key...

If I have a hard time doing a whole minute, why not create my own Ramp up to C25K program, where I only run 30 seconds at a time. I'm thinking that after about 2 weeks I'll be able to accomplish the minute without as much problem.

I'm even going to set it up like the original program and I will walk between my "jog" days in addition. I have 14 Weeks until my 5 K.

I'm thinking 2 weeks for the "Ramp Up" program adn then I will start the 'real" program, but I'm still giving myself enough time to possibley repeat weeks if necessary.

I will do it this time. I will do it this time. I will do it this time. I will do it this time. Dammit!

Weighing Down

I don't think I've let you guys in one this little tidbit, but I joined Weight Watchers after the New Year. I have kept it a bit "hush hush" because I felt like only fat people join WW. Well, guess what? I'm pretty fat, guys. True story, even IF no one actually believes I weigh as much as I do.

So...I bit the bullet and joined after I saw a friend of mine getting amazing results.

Guys, I have to tell you...this shit ROCKS! Seriously!!!

I've always felt kinda pissed off that I could eat whenever I wanted and had to deprive myself when I hardly ever saw my skinny friends do that. Or my skinny sister and mother. Well, on this I CAN eat whatever I want, but I just have to keep it with my point range. I can do that. Of course, I'm finding that things I thought I HAD to be able to eat I don't really want anymore though, because there are things I prefer.

For example, my favorite snack now is a banana slathered with a tbsn of peanut butter. Who know Elvis wasn't actually full of shit?! I can also eat carrots and hummas (LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I was bummed that I couldn't have hummas when I was low carbing. now, I still don't eat a whole lot of bread and whatnot, but now it's by choice and not because I'm told not to.

Now, I'm pretty sure I would have hit my five pound goal before now, but I accidentally clicked the wrong thing and put myself in maintenance instead of weight loss. however, I think it's still good that I lost 5 pounds in 4 weeks. Slow and easy, right?

It's also teaching me how to eat. I biggest issue I've always fought is actually eating, well, eating at all. When I was growing up MJ would comment on having gained a few pounds and  instantly stop eating until she'd lost it (Oops, I "forgot" to eat lunch again.) or would constantly comment on every single thing Pop and I put in out mouths; so, I assumed to lose weight you jut had to not eat. For a long time I was good at that too. In fact, I'm willing to go on a limb and guesstimate that I consumed around 100 calories a day for the entirety of my freshman year of high school. Why? Well, I only ate around my parents and then I ate like I was on a diet. Oh, MJ was SO proud of my weight loss and talked about it to everyone. Truthfully, it's one of the only times I've felt she was really proud of me. Now, some of my friends noticed the whole not eating thing and started getting concerned, but the parents never noticed anything other than my loss. Ok, so that really WAS the plan, but it kinda pissed me off anyway. I know; I was a bitchy teenager. Well, after the school year ended and I had to been seen eating that summer I gained weight and couldn't find that "happy-not-hungry" place anymore when school finally started.

Truthfully, I was actually pretty ok, until the high school boyfriend. With his "help" I slid down into a huge gully of self loathing that continued for years. Perhaps I'll tell you guys about it one day, but I'm not sure if I want to. Suffice it to say that I'm not in that place anymore, but it damn sure took a long time to crawl out.   Anyway, I gained and pulled my fat around me subsociously thinking that only those REALLY interested in me would approach me and I'd be protected from the world. Not so much actually since I proceeded to pick guys that preyed on weak girls. And I was a weak girl. Notice the WAS!!

Sorry, I got derailed...my bad. Anyway, the point is I'm learning to feed my body with healthy foods and not depriving myself of "treats"; however, my definition of treat is changing. I am loving WW and already plan to sign you for three more months when my first 3 are up. I will be a WW girl probably forever.

The only thing I hate about it is that it took me so long to actually join. I can SO do this!

Non-mushy Catch Up

I know that I've had a WHOLE lot to say about my Colombian and not so much to say about anything else lately. Sorry about that. Since I'm spending my weekend sans soccer player, I will take this time to fill all of you guys in on the goings on of me. 

The biggest thing would be my new job.  Can I just tell you guys how surprised I am that I actually like teaching Jr. High? Seriously. The seventh graders are just cute and still easily molded into whatever I want. I have NEVER been so "yes ma'am ed" in my life. I'm also lucky that I like my boss. He is a super principal and when he says, "Do whatever you feel like you need to do and I will back your play" I absolutely believe him. Love it!

I'm struggling with the idea of "where will I or should I be" still. or maybe it's again. No, no. I think it is still.  Since my job is only until May I am a bit worried about where I will be next year. Now, my boss's secretary has already voiced her opinion on the matter and wants me at Magnolia next year. While I'm down for that, I also hear there will be openings at JC in the English department, which is actually my total dream job. OK, after being a full time writer or just a person who gets paid insanely obscene amounts of money to read books all day, that is. Anyway, I've wanted to end up at a juco since I was a juco student back-in-the-day. I mean, it's more freedom that high school, but no "publish or perish" pressure. It's the perfect happy medium!

There are two things that totally poo-poo on those two ideas...ONE: I never wanted to ever live in this God forsaken town and area again (To those from this are, sorry, but I have to be honest. I hated growing up here).  TWO: the whole issue of being 3 hours from this certain beautiful and amazingly sexy Colombian (Sorry, I guess he HAD to make an appearance. I mean, if we always live 3 hours away from each other will we ever progress past the "rose colored glasses" phase and into reality? For real, guys, he thinks I'm funny and perfect so reality has just NOT set in at all; plus, I'm still waiting for something to be wrong with him. Well, something other than him thinking I'm funny and perfect. ;)  ).

Of course, I still feel all shaky after last year's total FUBAR set of interviews where I wasn't able to score a single job. That just can't happen this year!!! I will NOT live with the parents for another year. I just won't. I need to detox and reprogram my children. I need to find my bearings as a mother and an independent woman again. Plus, let's all be honest here, I'm ready to not feel like a total loser because I'm 33 years old and live with my freaking parents. I also need a bit of space from MJ. Really.

While I have decided to litter the world with my resume from the Coast, across LA (lower Alabama), west Florida, and north to the Atlanta area. Good grief, some great job should be available to me with all of those places covered. Right?

I did apply for a very cool juco job pre-Colombian and it would be even cooler to get it now since I'd be so close to him with that job. We will just have to see what shakes out. I must say that my frugal (cheap) side feels the most comfortable with the coastal jobs so I can live in this house for all but free. (Pop is retiring in August and will move him and MJ somewhere, but where jut depends on what he plans to do.) But that still make me a bit blech because of the whole distance thing. Here again, I'm still thinking that whatever will be will be. Right?! I mean, at least there would be room for him and D to come for the weekend and hang out with us. OK, I'm stopping. I have to stop. I just can't think about it right now because it's silly.

Anyway...I guess the moral of the story is that I am begin proactive in finding my place in the world, but I'm still totally unsure of where it is. However, at least I'm more willing to look now and I will have some money saved up so the idea of moving doesn't make me half as queasy as it did last year.

Light your candles fellas. Say a few prayers. Throw some salt. Or feel free to engage in any other Deity inspiring activity that will send positive energy and vibes my way. Please and thank you in advance. 

So Cute

Disclaimer: This is a seriously sappy posting! Please do not continue reading if you have low tolerances for sap in its many forms. Please stop reading immediately if you find yourself gagging or the eye rolling gets frequent enough to strain any muscles.  

Don't say I didn't warn you...


SO, I met my beautiful Colombian again this weekend. I am constantly taken aback by the big smile that travels right up past his eyes to his forehead every time he sees me. Hugs, kisses, and hand holding follow that smile that never actually fades.

Then he asks, "Do you like my shirt?"

Now this may sound like like a random and slightly odd question, and I thought so to until I looked again at it. You see, the shirt was a tiny, tiny, tiny red and white gingham that looks almost pink from far away. Still confused?  Once before I had made a comment about how nice he'd look in pink because of his complexion. Let me just say, the pink looked fabulous on him and I told him so. 

I also had to add, "So, did you buy that shirt because I told you you'd look so good in pink?"

He looked down smiling, "Yeeeahhhh. I did; so you DO like?" Do you know how hard it was to play it cool on that question? Seriously, people. You just do NOT know! However, I did show my appreciation for him going out on a limb and believing me. Once again, trying not to read things into it, but can't help but giggle at what it could possibly mean.


Anyway...we venture on our merry way and stop for coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact we do always have coffee first. Why? Because I'm a McCarty and he's Colombian-that's why. SO there!  There was a girl in front of us that had on a pair of bright pink shoes. they weren't the cutest things in the world (kinda like a low top Uggs), but I liked the color and they looked comfy. I commented on them, but he looked and then immediately looked at my feet. You see I have a pair of bright pink suede loafers that I love and have worn several times. SO he looks at me and says, "They aren't cute. YOURS are much cuter? Why you didn't wear your pink shoes? You could have shown her cute shoes." Ahhh, it's like he knows exactly what a girl needs to hear to feel wonderful.

Good times. Good times.

Anyway, he asked me about wanting to go back to school to get his Master's degree, thinking he could work for a bigger company if he had a diploma from the US instead of just from Colombia. Personally, I think it's bullshit his diploma isn't as accepted here. I mean, mathmatics in the same in every language and country right? I also imagine Physics is the same. Sooooo is an Engineering degree from Colombia THAT different from one from here? Pfft! Whatever people! He seemed to really want my input and, of course, I was positive about it because it seemed very important to him to have an American diploma AND because he has ambition to do more that what he is currently doing. Plus, you guys know I'm all about education.  

We talked, laughed, drank coffee, ate, walked, hugged, held hands, kissed and generally had a wonderful time. His assessment of me? I'm pleasant to spend time with, nice, sweet, easy going, understanding, cute, funny, smart, fun, optimistic, flexible, relaxing...and that's pretty much where he stopped. I think that's a damn fine list. (especially since, from what I gather, D's mom is the exact opposite of all of that. OK, I'm betting she's pretty, but I've never seen a pic or anything of her.)

What do you guys think? Is that what becomes a girl friend, or would if I didn't live 3 hours away? I guess we shall see... 

Good Kinds of Trouble Brewing

Sooooooooooo, I have to share this basically because I want a written record that I have just had one of the three cutest, most disgustily sweet and nausiating conversations ever with my beautiful Colombian! (Conversations that I never thought I would ever had in my entire life, mind you.)

The first?
After a particularly sweet comment I giggled (I do a lot of giggling) and said, "Oh, you are so sweet." His reply? (I swear I am telling the truth; this is not a lie or a put on in any way even if it sounds like it!) "No, you are sweet." Me: "I dont' know you are awful sweet." Him: "You are sweeter."

If I'm lying I'm dying!

The next one of those was started over me saying he was cute. Swear to God (Thanks Uncle Sonny) he instantly said, "No, you are cute." And thus the "argument" begins...

What was today's about? Ummm, it was about who was more wonderful.

Isn't it just disgusting?

Do I love it?

Oh, you bet your sweet ass I do!

I'm enjoying every single second of it. I have even stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, I realize that it can at any second, but I'm pretty sure he'd give me a heads up AND I'm really enjoying the ride right now and plan to not get in my head too much about it.

Besides, a Theta sistah of mine, who is married to a beautiful Latin man herself, told me that from the sounds of it I should go ahead and start planning the wedding. Not that I will or anything because that'd be pretty creepy, but I do accept the fact that he does like me and does want to continue to develop things, even if we are 3 hours apart.

Me? Of course I do. I mean, how often does a girl get a text at 7:00 AM that says, "Good morning precious. have a great day."

vg

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Bravery and Removal of Doubt

So, I inadvertently started a "talk" with my MAT last night. Actually, it was accidentally on purpose to be honest because I had been wondering for a little while, but too chicken-shit to actually ask a question. yep, I was scared to hear the answer and in my family if you don't talk about it then it doesn't actually happen. Ignorance being the path of bliss.

Anyway...a blast from the past popped up on my chat and suddenly asked me out. Surprised since I haven't actually heard from LC in forever (yeah, you remember him? He was the one that got all scared about the kids and bailed on me. Weak!) and he suddenly wants to get together again.

Now, since MAT is working on Saturday and has D all Sunday, I will not get to see my sweet and sexy Colombian, but it made me realize that even if I WAS interested in seeing him (which I'm not because he freaking flaked on me) I'd rather save the little "Jamie" time I have towards weekend passes to see my beautiful Colombian.

Since that was my thought process, that's what I told him when he asked about my day. I quickly realized what it sounded like and said, "Now I'm not trying to make you feel anyway or do anything, I'm just telling you what I felt."

He was perfectly fine having the conversation though. He said he was glad I was thinking in terms of being exclusive because he definitely likes me and wants to continue to see me. We agreed that the only real stumbling block we have right now is the 3 hours that separate our lives. But he did ask me to be patient with him and his full and busy life, while assuring me he'll be patient with mine.  

Blowing My Mind

Ok, so there is this thing that has been absolutly killing me for the longest time....

United States 119

United Kingdom 8
Denmark 5
Germany 4
Slovenia 3
France 2
Hungary 1

Russia 1




That, my FF is the Audience form this past week. Here's what kills me: I have a sorority sister in France and I know 2 people who live in Germany, and, of course, the United States is just a given, but I am in awe over the people who are reading this thing. For real! Actually this has been a low week because there are usually people from China and various other places too.

To be perfectly onest I have no idea why anyone in the world other than my family and most sorority sisters would read my mindless ramblings and rants. Crazy! However, thanks guys!!!! Love ya!!!

Number Two in the list of things that blow my mind...my sweet MAT who calls just to see how my day is going, thinks it is sexy that I know what little Spanish I do. (I can only cuss and hold very short, simple conversations, but mainly cuss.), is excited to hang out with me and my kiddies tomorrow, and occasionally whines, "Why do you have to live so far away my beautiful Jamie?"  

Ahhhh my poor little fluttery heart....

Group Date

So the last time I uttered the question, "The kids and I are going to ____, why don't you come with us" to a guy there was a deafening simlence that followed and a few days later he bolted! Seriosuly, he really did. No call. No text. No return texts. No FB chat. NOTHING. Whatever.

So, the other day when I made the comment, "Since you ahve to work on Saturday and you don't have a sitter on Sunday, what do you think about all of us getting together-the whole crew?"

Now, I would be lying if I said I wasn't completely naucious as soon as I realized what I had just said because of previous experience. Granted the last guy didn't have kids and MAT does, but that doens't mean he'd be all Woo Hoo about hanging out with my kiddies. 

His reaction? "That sounds great!" And he means it! I did asl him if it made him uncomfortable and I swear I heard the confused look on his face as he typed (yep, we were chatting), "No. We have kids, so it's a natural thing for us to do something together with our kids." So...he and I are having a group date on Sunday....me, him, Tristan, Caitlin, and Diego.

I'm both excited and a bit nervous. What if my kids are terrible and behave like wild animals? What if Diego just hates me? (Not that I've ever met a 2 year old that didn't like, but but you never know.) What if lots of things...

Not that I've ever been in this position, but I'm thinking it's kind of a big deal for two people who have kids and like one another to get together with thier kids. It feels like a big deal.

This is what happens when I can't sleep...

I will regret this in the morning without a doubt. While my red, unfocused eyes stare blankly at my bouncing children I will think back on how I was not able to sleep and seriously regret not forcing myself to sleep.

Perhaps my mind keeps drifting forward a day to my first day of work where I will know no one....and I have to do a district inservice to boot. And, did I mention that said inservice is at the high school where I accepted a job and then was told I couldn't accept the job and felt like I had done something very wrong? Yeah, that one. Now, be sure to understand that I am not responsible and was never thought to have done anything wrong at all, but I hate all forms of conflict and two principals fighting over me smacks of conflict in my book. Just saying...

However, my mind could be racing over the thought that it is time for classes to resume at JC and I have not received an email or a call offering me a class. Umm, ok, so they do not even reopen until tomorrow, but that is decidedly beside the point! I want to know if I have an extra job, by God. Why do people never do things on MY time clock? Again...just saying...

Maybe my brain keeps replaying clips of phone conversations and emails and actual face-to-face dialogue between me and my MAT. (If he calls me "my Jamie," I'm thinking he can be mine too.) He's very curious about what everyone is saying about him, especially since I have actually mentioned him by name on a FB status, and I do not have the heart to tell him that I only refer to him as a nameless "date" on a blog and do not speak of him outloud otherwise. I'm just not sure he would understand that to say it out loud to those around me makes it real and therefore something that can crush me if/when it ends.

I know in some level he would because he was hurt deeply by his ex, but I can see none of that on his face-ever. Each time we are together, either in person or on the phone or online, he is fully there, ya know.  No holding back, no games, no subterfuge-just him and his honesty. Now he flirts...Lord does that man flirt...and Lord, bless my soul, is he ever good at it...but it feels differently than what I'm used to. I'm used to blatant flirting that is heavily laced with innuendo and propositions, but his is....well, honest and straightforward. Open. There is affection without overt references to sex being bandied about; there are only terms of endearment and questions about my day and plans and occasional "kiss" thrown in for good measure. In fact, the only thing remotely racy about our conversations is the increasing number of times the word "kiss" is thrown around. (Hell, he even says "kiss" before he gets off the phone with me.)  And I am sitting here feeling nervous because I have no words to describe what this feels like and I'm trying desperately to play it off and grown up because it's not like I'm a stupid teenager (although, I know you all probably don't believe it after all the crushes I've had in the past year) and can afford to be so flippant with thoughts and ideas.

While I know that whatever happens I will survive and move on, just as have before and will again, but I'm actually more afraid of getting used to this kind of treatment and always being disappointed if I never receive it again. I actually started to ask him if he was interested in a thing that's happening next month and stopped myself with the thought, "Really, Jamie. You want to ask him about next month. Ya assuming a lot aren't you?" 

This is after knowing that he already said he will run my first 5K with me in May, but I have a hard time counting on that.  It's not that I do not believe him; it's just that it boggles my damn mind. Seriously, guys, why. I mean I met him in November and started emailing and talking on the phone. We had our first date the saturday before Christmas. We just had our third date (AND we all know from past posts that I seem to have a shelf life of around 6 weeks or 3ish dates. Not sure why, but that has been the trend.) and I think I'm waiting for the shoe to drop and each day it doesn't I'm not sure whether to breath a sigh of relief and do a happy dance or just keep my fingers crossed.

I know...I know..I'm thinking WAY too much about all of this shit and I should give it a rest, get some sleep and just relax...easy for you to say, Paco. You don't have to worry about the weird fluttery feeling you get thinking about some really sweet and extremely handsome man with excellent hands and very, very muscled abs(Oh yes, hand on chest..zero fat, pudge, anything...just very hard, solid muscle. Whoa...) And how the more excited you get when his name pops up on the phone or online the more nervous you get and how stupid it all sounds-even when it's just said in your own head. I mean, Hallmark doesn't make a "I like you and it scares the mortal hell out of me because I just can't think of any reason why I should get to keep you even tough I have no idea why I'd even have a single thought about keeping anyone this soon after us meeting" card. Good God I'm nurotic tonight..

SEE!!!

This is what happens when I can't sleep!!! I toss. I turn. I starting thinking and then I can't turn my fucking brain off!! Holy hell!!  I'm fucking going to bed....

PS-Just to let you guys know, i'm pretty sure this all spurred from the possibility of us going a group outing this weekend. Me and my two & him and his one. I keep thinking that either sometime this week (in a panic of "OMG her kids that might be too serious") or next week (in a panic of "OMG her kids are wild and I can't deal") the death knell will sound and that will be all she wrote...sigh.......damn, I really AM going to bed this time.

New Year's Day - 1/1/11 Rocks!

I have successfully spent a New Year's Day in a total state of bliss! Now, I know I am prone to exaggeration, but I'm really NOT this time. It was a fanfuckingtastic day!

I woke up with my babies curled up around me.. nice.

They watched PBS while I took a shower and started getting dressed...very nice.

Although it rained on my drive to meet MAT, had a cup of coffee with me and plenty of time to get there...not bad.

I was early and found us a nice corner booth in W.H. and had, yet another cup of coffee, while I waited...excellent.

He walked in shaking off water from him head and immediately broke into a huge smile as soon as he saw me...most excellent.

Walked over and promptly dropped the first of many kisses on my lips and grabbed my hands from across the table...sigh

Because of the rain, our original plan was ruined so we went bowling instead...cute (Yep, this girl went bowling. Good grief, I hadn't been bowling since I still lived in Phoenix and have refused to go since then...I busted my ass and had the freaking bruise to show for it, for like, 6 months. Shitty!)

He won a game and then I won a game. Damn, that was some super fun bowling! Seriously. Of course, anything is fun when you are trying your best to distract the other person in the name of being "supportive"...amazing!

Then we played 2 games of pool...fabulous! (Again, I have not played pool since whatshisname because he took that shit so seriously that I was bored, pretty much, every time; however, how could I get bored with so much attention and affection being lavished on me? YES, I said lavished!! swoon)

Long story short (too late!) we had a wonderful time. We talked,  laughed, held hands, and, well, kissed from the time he walked in the restaurant until I closed the door of my van to drive back to D's house.

My drive back to MS was dry and the kids slept the whole way, which was good because my mind kept wandering just a skosh. To be perfectly honest, I can't even begin to tell you guys what I was thinking the entire time we were together because I'm just not sure I have the appropriate vocabulary. Lie...I HAVE the vocabulary, but even I can't say some things out loud. Whoa...

On the whole the only thing that sucked about the entire day was saying goodbye to my sexy soccer player. I really love 2011 right now...